Leaving a toxic relationship ~ why is it so difficult?

To return to the original topic:

In my own experience, this is what I have frequently mistakenly done and have believed to be true:



That if someone is mistreating me or disrespecting me, that I must somehow earn their respect, fight for their respect, and turn the person's abusive/toxic behavior around by explaining what respectful treatment entails. I spent YEARS doing just that, in many different toxic relationships!

Boy, what a waste of energy ALL of those efforts turned out to be!!!!!

Someone who frequently disrespects and disregards another will NEVER change their TRUE CHARACTER. The spots of a leapard do not change! Once a disrespectful, dishonorable person, always a disrespectful, dishonorable person.

I did not realize at the time the mere truth of the quote above - that frequent disrespect and disregard are a sign of that person's CHARACTER, not of my own SELF WORTH.

When I finally realized that my self worth is NOT DEFINED by how someone treats me, but rather by how I TREAT MYSELF and by HOW I ALLOWED others to treat me, everything turned around for me in my own mind.

I think many many people make this SAME MISTAKE. And that we frequently can place FAR TOO MUCH OF OUR OWN SELF WORTH AND VALUE in someone else's hands.

That's the same thing as placing our HAPPINESS in someone else's hands - another big mistake.

Our happiness depends solely on US. We are responsible for making our own happiness in life... no one else is responsible for that.

And we are responsible for our own sense of self-worth and value in this world. Giving someone else that power is like handing over the reigns of your life to someone else.

And I circle back to the simple truth that people with higher self esteem have a far easier time leaving a toxic/abusive relationship than people with low self esteem. People with low self esteem seem to think it's their fault and blame themselves, or they are codependent, or they believe they are unlovable and unworthy of true love and respect.

I FINALLY learned this! When someone treats you badly it’s because they WANT to! I spent so much time and energy trying to figure out what was happening and why. What did I do to deserve such bad treatment? I learned, for whatever reason, they didn’t like me and didn’t want to act nicely to me. It was just that simple. Now when it happens I EXIT stage left.

Lots of things over the years such as; Meet-ups, churches (including classes and extra curricular activities), volunteering, group therapy, adult classes, on-line dating (it was an utter joke), and others that I can't think of now. Plus now I live in a 55 + place and it has some single people. A lot of those people just keep to themselves or they have enough going for them with friends and family that they don't need me. That's the way it's been with these other places I had listed, also.

That IS exactly what the cops did towards my husband. He did go to apply for restraining order and he was black and blue and they said “ man up”

It’s horrible.

Well, I think they key is to learn that it's not personal, and that the toxic person would and will treat anyone the same exact way.

@christina, that is horrific. Hard to believe that that actually happens in this world today, but it does. That is just plain wrong.

I found this on an abuse forum.... about trauma bonding. This is very accurate!

And this I find to be helpful as well, for those of us who keep getting into toxic relationships:

And this.... I think those of us who have trouble leaving a toxic relationship, also have poor boundaries -- I know I have:

But it is personal. The same person acts nicely to others. They can be very charming. There are two sides to them. Some ‘toxic’ people have shown me both sides of themselves. Others have only shown me the mean, abuser. I’m not sure if they show all people both sides. It depends on what purpose that person serves for them. They may only show them the charmer?

The images you posted in your last posts on this thread speak to my other thread about why is my son now acting completely different with a spouse who alienated him from his parents. OMG thanks!

Ahh, you're welcome! I hope those images help some people.

That's the charm of the toxic person at play. It definitely is not personal. They will direct it at a specific victim whom they target because they think that person is somehow weak or meek and will take it without protest. Abusers deliberately target their victims and know exactly what they're doing. They target people whom they think they can abuse.. they test the waters with them, dipping their toes in, testing with the more subtle and sometimes not so subtle abuse tactics to see how the victim will respond, and then they escalate their tactics to more extreme levels of abuse, if the victim doesn't protest and/or walk away. This is why abuse is so insidious. Sometimes it's not so obvious in the beginning. They test the person first. And the person who has weaker boundaries, lower self esteem, who was abused in childhood and/or is not educated about abuse tactics, won't pick up on the subtleties of the abuse.

And yes, they are charming to others on the outside. It's never personal. But it is targeted.

Thank you for your kind thoughts.....hugs! I have been alone for 19 years now and doing find, except I hate being alone!

Better to be lonely than in a toxic relationship, trust me!!!!! FAR better. At least when you're on your own, you can do as you please.

Hugs to you!

I know I'm late to the party but thought I'd add my 2c here. I think part of the difficulty is that in what you refer to as a toxic relationship I would call it a dysfunctional one. I think that stating it as a toxic relationship typically implies that you're with someone toxic for some reason thus placing the entire toxicity on them and none of it on ourselves. The fact is dysfunctional relationships are not void of our own input into the toxicity or at the very least the enabling of such bad behavior in others.

No matter how you will rationalize that they (the other person) was/is wrong and behaving badly, they have an usually continue to - give us something whether intentionally or not. if there was absolutely nothing in it that we gain by sticking around there would be very little difficulty leaving. Mind you what we get from it, from them, may not even be healthy or good for us (which is the most likely case) but somehow they feed or give something to us that we either subconsciously or consciously need. There is always a magnetism or draw of some kind and I think this is fundamental to why it is difficult to leave.

I hope that this simplistic explanation is not going to be taken as if it's the entire answer or that I think that's all it is. nor do I think it invalidates what others have said but I do think it's worth considering along with other answers.

I agree with some of what you stated and put forth here. I agree it sometimes takes two to tango. And I agree that people still may get something out of the unhealthy relationship and therefore have difficulty leaving.

I disagree with the use or replacement of toxic with dysfunctional. There are defined toxic personality types, defined and characterized by many different psychologists. So there is such a thing as a toxic person and subsequently a toxic relationship. There’s numerous articles all over the web defining toxic relationships, just as there are that define toxic personalities.

A non toxic person can become involved with a toxic personality who infects their relationship with their poison. And yes, as a result, the relationship is dysfunctional. The only blame that can be placed on the non toxic person is staying in a toxic/unhealthy relationship dynamic.

So there is such a thing as a toxic person and a toxic relationship. Look it up online. Toxic personality, characteristics, toxic people and toxic relationships. There’s tons of material available online on this topic.

Toxic is defined as someone who effects our mental health negatively, simply put.

35 Signs You'''re in a Toxic Relationship | Inc.com

35 signs you’re in a toxic relationship

while I believe that you've found citations that show some psychologists may use the term "toxic" personality, I don't agree with it.

That’s fine. We can agree to disagree. I’m speaking about toxic relationships in this thread.

Here's from that article (35 Signs You'''re in a Toxic Relationship | Inc.com)

Here are some signs to help you recognize a toxic relationship:

1. All take, no give. Any relationship in which you experience withdrawals of energy without deposits will leave you in the negative.
2. Feeling drained. If, instead of feeling happy and productive, you're always mentally, emotionally, and even physically drained, it's time to re-evaluate.
3. Lack of trust. A relationship without trust is like a car without gas: You can stay in it all you want, but it won't go anywhere.
4. Hostile atmosphere. Constant anger is a sure sign of an unhealthy relationship. You should never be around hostility because it makes you feel unsafe.
5. Occupied with imbalance. A one-sided relationship can never run smoothly.
6. Constant judgment. In judgmental relationships, criticism is not intended to be helpful but rather to belittle.
7. Persistent unreliability. Mutual reliability is important to building trust and is at the core of any good relationship.
8. Nonstop narcissism. If the other party's interest in the relationship is really just a reflection of him or herself, it's impossible to achieve any kind of balance.
9. Loaded with negative energy. It's almost impossible for anything positive to come out of a relationship filled with negativity.
10. Lack of communication. Without communication, there is no relationship. Period.
11. Continuous disrespect. Mutual respect is the first requirement of a good partnership.
12. Mutual avoidance. If you spend your time avoiding each other, that tells you all you need to know.
13. Insufficient support. If you cannot turn to each other, is there a reason to be in the relationship?
14. Ceaseless control issues. If one person is in control, or a constant tug-of-war is going on, you're probably spending too much energy navigating the relationship.
15. Never-ending drama. Good relationships improve your life; they don't make it messier.
16. Persistent self-betrayal. If you find yourself changing your opinions to please someone else, you're in a damaging relationship.
17. Constant challenges. All relationships go through challenges, but good relationships work through them.
18. Feelings of unworthiness. It's an insidious thing negative relationships do: They leave you feeling you don't deserve any better.
19. Vibes of entrapment. Is the other person a positive force in your life, or are you there because you don't see any way out?
20. Always undermining. If a relationship can't be reassuring, it's failing a crucial test.
21. Empty pretense. Smiles don't always mean everything is OK.
22. Packed with uncertainty. When nothing is sure, forward movement feels impossible.
23. Brimming with envy. Partners are never equal in all aspects, but that should be a source of strength, not of a source of disruptive envy.
24. Shortage of autonomy. Anyone in any relationship should have the right to say no.
25. Permeates victimhood. You can't move onto the future if you're tied to someone who's still stuck in the past.
26. Diminishes your self-worth. When you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't acknowledge your value, it can be hard to see it yourself.
27. Laced with dishonesty. Every lie between partners undercuts a little bit of the relationship.
28. Makes you unhappy. If someone is constantly making you unhappy, you owe it to yourself to let that person go.
29. Feels uncomfortable. Sometimes your mind needs more time to discover what your heart already knows.
30. Lowers your high standards. Toxic relationships can cause us to slowly begin accepting what was once not acceptable.
31. Senses stagnant. Growth and learning are vital, and you can't afford to be cut off from them.
32. Cuts corners. Nothing is ever worth cutting corners, or accepting anything that is second rate.
33. Filled with criticism. A nonstop barrage of criticism never helped anyone improve; it's not about making things better but boosting the critic's ego.
34. Brings out the worst. If you are constantly being your worst, you cannot be your best self.
35. Cannot do anything right. If you cannot do anything right, maybe the relationship is all wrong.

Relationships are important, and a toxic relationship can cost you dearly in time and energy that you could be putting to much better use.

Stay true to yourself and your values, listen to your heart, and be strong if you need to extricate yourself from a toxic relationship.

21 out of 35 for my marriage. We’re both the toxic person.

Pretty eye opening and enlightening I think. Hugs.

It’s merely the combination of anxious, depressed, codependent people. No surprises here.

Excerpts from another good article (from Psych Central):

"When it comes to codependency, denial has been called the hallmark of addiction. It’s true not only for drug (including alcohol) addicts, but also for their partners and family members. This axiom also applies to abuse and other types of addiction. We may use denial in varying degrees:

First degree: Denial that the problem, symptom, feeling or need exists.
Second degree: Minimization or rationalization.
Third degree: Admitting it, but denying the consequences.
Fourth degree: Unwilling to seek help for it.

Thus, denial doesn’t always mean we don’t see there’s a problem. We might rationalize, excuse, or minimize its significance or effect upon us...

Denial of needs is a major reason codependents remain unhappy in relationships.

Frequently, partners of addicts or abusers are on the “merry-go-round” of denial. The addicts and abusers can be loving and even responsible at times and promise to stop their drug use or abuse, but soon start breaking trust and promises again. Once again apologies and promises are made and believed because the partner loves them, may deny his or her own needs and worth, and is afraid to end the relationship.

You might be wondering how to tell if you’re in denial. There are actually signs.

Do you:

Think about how you wish things would be in your relationship?
Wonder, “If only, he (or she) would . . .?”
Doubt or dismiss your feelings?
Believe repeated broken assurances?
Conceal embarrassing aspects of your relationship?
Hope things will improve when something happens (e.g., a vacation, moving, or getting married)?
Make concessions and placate, hoping it will change someone else?
Feel resentful or used by your partner?
Spend years waiting for your relationship to improve or someone to change?
Walk on eggshells, worry about your partner’s whereabouts, or dread talking about problems?"

Article:
Are You in Denial?