[AzulOscuro]

Hope I don’t get deleted this thread. I’m gonna try to take a normal conversation with other users without anyone feeling told off.

A few time ago it was brought up an interesting topic here about some people being difficult because they are so focused on a view of point, their view of point, that only look for validation and they refute or don’t hear any other possible view point or what other people have to say.

I want to talk about a different group here. And I’m doing it because when I barely feel affected by people since I keep distance because of my social anxiety, I feel insulted when they behave as they do with other people.

I’m referring to people with such a lack of empathy and also full of themselves that when someone have a problem, they are unable to put into this person shoes and don’t consider how the other person may feel with their responses. They don’t help, they pretend to say what they think is their truth, according to their principles. This help nothing. It’s like a scolding.
They feel proud of themselves because they are far from being politically correct but their truth is ahead of everything, it’s over if they are doing something or not to help the other person.
I myself was such Egotistic with a person here and I’m ashamed. I don’t hide.
We all make mistakes so maybe our truth is only that our truth in a moment, under different circumstances, with a range of values, only belonging to ourselves.

I don’t know if I’m being clear enough in what I want to brought up. One of my faults, is not being very direct because I’m afraid of messing things up when I’m totally direct. So, tell me if I make sense.

[TishaBuv]

If it’s me, I’m sorry. We’re probably all fairly difficult people here, as it is a psych site.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

We’re probably all fairly difficult people here, as it is a psych site.

100% I agree.

[sarahsweets]

do you mean people here?

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

do you mean people here?

Nah! People everywhere. People who goes here and there imparting doctrine ( their doctrine).
Only, online is easier to find this kind of people uncovered. They dare more. It’s easier since they don’t compromise their true identity.

[AzulOscuro]

I disagree with Tisha and seesaw. The fact that someone has psychological issues it doesn’t make us different or less smart or less responsible.

I don’t know any of you so, even if I wanted to point to someone, that I don’t, my opinion would be very unfair and unfounded.

[Have Hope]

@AzulOscuro, I think I know the kind of person you're talking about. I have a girlfriend IRL who loves to talk down to me and tell me exactly how to do everything, as though I know nothing. She is most assuming and quite arrogant to think I know nothing about how to handle myself in the world. She doesn't lack empathy, but she lacks something. I haven't spoken to her in over a year because the last time we talked, she was dictating at me how to handle the politics at work, droning on about it for an hour. She literally just talked at me as though to hear herself talk. It drove me so batty, I didn't call her until just recently because of this virus.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

I disagree with Tisha and seesaw. The fact that someone has psychological issues it doesn’t make us different or less smart or less responsible.

I don’t know any of you so, even if I wanted to point to someone, that I don’t, my opinion would be very unfair and unfounded.

You only said “difficult”, not the other qualities you just stated. I think it’s safe to generalize that psychological issues or even people who tend to post in a forum, tend to be somewhat difficult people. But, hey, who isn’t a difficult person. I suppose everyone I know is in their own way.

I consider myself a specialist at dealing with difficult people, as I have had so much experience with it. I can certainly be one, too. There are all levels of it, too. There are impossible people. I’ve had to give up on impossible people, yet still have to deal with them, as they are family.

I agree, we are more bold here on an anonymous forum. I don’t interact with people on a personal level like this anywhere else. I have a few close friends and family members. I keep my issues to myself pretty much now. I want to keep them in my life, so I don’t drive them away with my issues.

My best advice about dealing with difficult people is to focus on what you want/need from them and work toward that, in spite of their opposition. If they are just too difficult and not worth the effort, walk away if you can.

I know how you feel about seeing others on here be mistreated by others. You want to say something. But, the PC rules say to let the OP handle themselves.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

I disagree with Tisha and seesaw. The fact that someone has psychological issues it doesn’t make us different or less smart or less responsible.


I don’t know any of you so, even if I wanted to point to someone, that I don’t, my opinion would be very unfair and unfounded.

I never said that psychological issues make one less smart or responsible. They do however make us different, that's just a fact. If we werent different we wouldn't be diagnosed with these disorders. And having these disorders can make us difficult to deal with at different times. You dont think it's more difficult to deal with a triggered person than not triggered person? Anyone can be difficult to deal with from time to time. I deal with difficult people frequently. The key is to figure out what is causing them to be difficult and then you can usually neutralize it.

Btw, difficult =/= bad.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

@AzulOscuro, I think I know the kind of person you're talking about. I have a girlfriend IRL who loves to talk down to me and tell me exactly how to do everything, as though I know nothing. She is most assuming and quite arrogant to think I know nothing about how to handle myself in the world. She doesn't lack empathy, but she lacks something. I haven't spoken to her in over a year because the last time we talked, she was dictating at me how to handle the politics at work, droning on about it for an hour. She literally just talked at me as though to hear herself talk. It drove me so batty, I didn't call her until just recently because of this virus.

I understand, you needed to recharge your battery by being a time apart from her.
I literally run away from this people. Talking about a situation from the outside when you don’t invest yourself emotionally is easy. The hard thing is to put in the others’ circumstances and trying to be a little more unattached from our ego. You know, now it’s not about you, it’s about the other person.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

You only said “difficult”, not the other qualities you just stated. I think it’s safe to generalize that psychological issues or even people who tend to post in a forum, tend to be somewhat difficult people. But, hey, who isn’t a difficult person. I suppose everyone I know is in their own way.

I consider myself a specialist at dealing with difficult people, as I have had so much experience with it. I can certainly be one, too. There are all levels of it, too. There are impossible people. I’ve had to give up on impossible people, yet still have to deal with them, as they are family.

I agree, we are more bold here on an anonymous forum. I don’t interact with people on a personal level like this anywhere else. I have a few close friends and family members. I keep my issues to myself pretty much now. I want to keep them in my life, so I don’t drive them away with my issues.

My best advice about dealing with difficult people is to focus on what you want/need from them and work toward that, in spite of their opposition. If they are just too difficult and not worth the effort, walk away if you can.

I know how you feel about seeing others on here be mistreated by others. You want to say something. But, the PC rules say to let the OP handle themselves.

As a joke it’s ok. In these boards and other similar we are all “nutz” I think humor is something that begins by laughing at ourselves but up to this point. Not beyond.

I’m not refering to personal peculiarities. I’m referring to those people who keep on slapping your face by throwing you up their opinions, using their own filters. Sometimes, even they seem to do it on purpose. This is what I feel actually bothered by. This is far from empathy and it’s more close to the insult.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by seesaw

I never said that psychological issues make one less smart or responsible. They do however make us different, that's just a fact. If we werent different we wouldn't be diagnosed with these disorders. And having these disorders can make us difficult to deal with at different times. You dont think it's more difficult to deal with a triggered person than not triggered person? Anyone can be difficult to deal with from time to time. I deal with difficult people frequently. The key is to figure out what is causing them to be difficult and then you can usually neutralize it.

Btw, difficult =/= bad.

Difficult is a way to avoid having the thread delete.
We all know what we are talking about here.
Call me sensitive if you will, but some people should be able to look beyond their noses. And I swear you that people with psychological issues are not the worst for me to deal with.
Arrogant people is the one I run away from. No communication, no feedback, no compassion, no nothing.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

I understand, you needed to recharge your battery by being a time apart from her.
I literally run away from this people. Talking about a situation from the outside when you don’t invest yourself emotionally is easy. The hard thing is to put in the others’ circumstances and trying to be a little more unattached from our ego. You know, now it’s not about you, it’s about the other person.

Yes.... this friend loves to "educate" me and tell me what to do. I don't know if it's arrogance on her part or what. She thinks she knows best, is what it comes down to. She's always been this way and has always treated me like a little sister whom she needs to watch over and educate. It's SOOOOOO annoying! But since I've known her since college, I also know her to be VERY insecure. So I believe that this is her way of overcompensating, by acting like a know-it-all.

I owe her a call next weekend, and I have to admit, I'm not really looking forward to it. I am not going to reveal any details of my life that invite her to tell me what to do or educate me.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Yes.... this friend loves to "educate" me and tell me what to do. I don't know if it's arrogance on her part or what. She thinks she knows best, is what it comes down to. She's always been this way and has always treated me like a little sister whom she needs to watch over and educate. It's SOOOOOO annoying! But since I've known her since college, I also know her to be VERY insecure. So I believe that this is her way of overcompensating, by acting like a know-it-all.

I owe her a call next weekend, and I have to admit, I'm not really looking forward to it. I am not going to reveal any details of my life that invite her to tell me what to do or educate me.

Interesting point you brought up here. Some people who show themselves very controlled have a great level of insecurity behind.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

Difficult is a way to avoid having the thread delete.
We all know what we are talking about here.
Call me sensitive if you will, but some people should be able to look beyond their noses. And I swear you that people with psychological issues are not the worst for me to deal with.
Arrogant people is the one I run away from. No communication, no feedback, no compassion, no nothing.

We don't all know what we are talking about here if you are using words that mean one thing but you mean another. In fact, that makes it very challenging to know what you are talking about.

People are "difficult" for all sorts of reasons. But it doesn't sound like you are talking about difficult people. It sounds like you are talking about people who give unsolicited advice (meaning advice when you don't need or want it) or who talk down to you or who force their opinions/advice on you without caring if it's actually helpful. Is that accurate?

[divine1966]

Define difficult. Difficult in what way?

Also why must you associate with people you find difficult? If they aren’t coworkers you must keep in contact or close family you must see, why stick around? I don’t understand when people talk about nasty friends or acquitances. Just stay away from people who bother you

[ARaven0137]

Difficult in what way? I'm just curious.

For better and worse I work in a field that has a lot of egos and some really big ones. Many with the biggest egos are woefully unqualified and are horrible people (as I ranted in the work rant thread). Power and control issues run rampant among this group and toxic managers destroy careers, projects and entire sections. I would consider myself cocky, but you kind of have to be in this field. People at my work will walk all over you unless you show fangs every so often.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

Interesting point you brought up here. Some people who show themselves very controlled have a great level of insecurity behind.

Oh yes... and people who exhibit big egos typically have deep insecurities lying beneath it all. On the surface they appear grand, but underneath, they're very insecure. My boss and manager can be this way, especially my boss. So my friend I believe doesn't really have a big ego like she portrays... I think she's deeply insecure and therefore pretends to know a lot.

[divine1966]

Sadly sometimes we can’t escape if we have troublesome people at work. Got to pay your bills. So just have to learn coping skills and let it go.

[Open Eyes]

My daughter showed talent when it came to riding ponies and horses. She really enjoyed riding and engaging with them I took her to work with a trainer that owned a small show barn and he began to train her. I kept asking her how things were going and if she liked this trainer and she felt she was ok. Then one day she looked up at me while I was driving her to a lesson and she had fear in her eyes. She said to me, "The trainer told me that I better never think of leaving him and that no other trainer would train me if I did".

That trainer made a BIG MISTAKE when he chose to do that. I looked at my daughter and told her "When ANYONE says that to you then it's time to move on". I told her I would show her how to do just that. I picked a day where I could move her horse home to my own farm with no issues. Then I informed the trainer we were no longer interested in training with him. I did find another trainer quite easily who knew my daughter had talent and also had a talented horse and would gladly welcome a paying client.

After we did that this trainer proceeded to begin a smear campaign of lies, then he would literally stand at the ingate with his hands on his hips and try to imtimidate my daughter who was just a child. He did this in front of other trainers (this is actually a form of child abuse). My daughter was amazing and ignored him and went into each competition jumping courses and winning classes. This really impressed me and many other trainers.

That was a very important lesson my daughter HAD to learn. And when she came across others who insisted she do things THEIR way like that, she doesn't choose to listen to their threats. I remember getting some calls from others who were astonished and said "I can't believe you were so brave like that", sadly they were too afraid to leave this trainer and what saddened me the most was they were parents. What saddened me was the message they sent their young girls by having that fear.

Maybe these other girl's parents were afraid, maybe these other girls had fear too. BUT, at least they got to see someone else choose to be brave and actually end up doing ok, actually more than ok. And NO other trainer treated her that way after that either. My daughter ended up learning from a lot of different trainers instead of just that one who needed to control her. That was MUCH healthier for her because she became quite the horsewoman by working with a variety of trainers that had varying styles of teaching and relating to horses who practiced quality horsemanship skills and respected others who did the same. And they show respect for the opinions of others too.

Some people choose to navigate by needing others to have the same opinions as theirs. Some need to navigate where they don't like it or feel threatened if they feel they don't have the "control" in relationships. They will say things like "I don't like it when you choose to agree with that other person, that you decided to forgive something I find unforgivable, that you did not choose my idea above other's ideas, that you like so and so and I don't etc., etc."

That is when you just walk away and that's in most relationships online or otherwise.

[DechanDawa]

Personally I think this is the greatest cause of depression. That is, when we can't accept the way people are and wish they were different. It causes a lot of unhappiness for us. We ALL do it. (I did it just last night and it ruined my whole evening.) Maybe it becomes a habit to ruminate on the unacceptable behavior of the other.

But we have freedom. We can chose to be honest and tell the person what we really think. This is what I wish I had done in the past. I sometimes revisit situations and rewrite them in my mind. It is refreshing to think of what I might have said.

We can turn away, walk away, and maybe grieve for what we cannot have. Yes, grieve. I have a brother who I wish I was closer to...and it is never going to happen. I make excuses for him - and his crappy behavior. But, in truth, he is selfish, self-centered, lacking in empathy and compassion, and is horribly patronizing. He doesn't seem to know any of this bad stuff about himself. His wife is much worse. I think in 40 years of marriage he has picked up her bad personality traits. They married very young...as teenagers...so they have had a lifetime to perfect their crappy personalities and melt into their bad social habits as a couple.

I grieve over the loss of relationships I wish were different. Yes. But not as much as I used to...I have become more pragmatic as I age.

AT THE SAME TIME I feel more grateful for the relationships that work. I have another brother who seems to grow more saintly with the years. He is sensitive, generous, caring, and intelligent. He almost always says the right thing. When he makes a mistake he apologizes. The older he gets the softer and more beautiful he is. So there!

My adult child is another "deary" -- you know, a dear one. He grows more loving and open-hearted with every year. I love to watch his spiritual progress. He wouldn't call it that...but it is spiritual growth, in my eyes.


Some people take the low road...others hike the high road.


We need to focus on the dearies. The dear ones who bring a smile to our soul.

I spent too much of my life around the grouches. Now I am done!


Life is hard. That's why we have to be soft, softer, softest.

Dear Azul...don't let the grouches get you down. Focus on the dearies.

Take care, deep blue.

[Open Eyes]

DechanDawa how you describe your siblings is eerily similar to what I deal with. My older sister is a major control freak and drama queen. She basically loads so much up with her "drama, drama, drama" and NEED to have control over everything. My sister literally markets anything she can to create her "drama, drama, drama".

My older brother is way different, he has the ability to pay attention and respect things I care about. He has really softened with age.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

DechanDawa how you describe your siblings is eerily similar to what I deal with. My older sister is a major control freak and drama queen. She basically loads so much up with her "drama, drama, drama" and NEED to have control over everything. My sister literally markets anything she can to create her "drama, drama, drama".

My older brother is way different, he has the ability to pay attention and respect things I care about. He has really softened with age.

OMG You could be describing my older sister. Her entire life was about her drama, drama, drama, drama. BIG DRAMA. My sister was the Queen of Control Freaks.

Well, a few years ago my sister died. Even at the end she manipulated everything. She had ignored me (and my calls) for almost a decade...then suddenly she was back... and right in my face. I couldn't confront her...because she was...well, dying! So then she was calling me several times a week and it was all about her illness...and more drama, drama, drama. I was having all kinds of freaky things happening in my life and I just repressed everything to attend to her emotional needs. It was exhausting! By the end I was drained, and ended up quitting two jobs I loved because I was such a mess!


I can spend hours and hours going over my relationship with my sister, rewriting it. But the bottom line is I just wanted her love -and whatever she gave...was too little...too late. I have had PTSD over her death. And mixed emotions...anger...sadness...grief...blah, blah, blah.

The truth is she really behaved badly most of the time -- like a total *****. And now she's dead. And...I...am...so...sad...about...it.


Sigh. Let's not be like our sisters. Let's leave good memories (mostly)!

[Open Eyes]

I am sorry DechanDawa, given what you have shared, my older sister would be extremely triggering to you. She has a horrible affect on people, it's so embarassing.

My sister has done so many bad things the last years of my parent's lives. I have had a lot of different kinds of grieving I have been going through. You are probably grieving a very different kind of loss when it comes to your older sister. Something you wanted to experience that simply never happened and never will.

Try to remember, YOU are a nice person, she chose to be manipulative and mean. That was her choice and it was probably the best that you were at a distance from her.

AT THE SAME TIME I feel more grateful for the relationships that work. I have another brother who seems to grow more saintly with the years. He is sensitive, generous, caring, and intelligent. He almost always says the right thing. When he makes a mistake he apologizes. The older he gets the softer and more beautiful he is. So there!

That is how my older brother has been too.

[TishaBuv]

My major trigger is that I am upset by how some people who supposedly love me have treated me. It’s not my overreaction. It’s real.

I got diagnosed with varying things, or not diagnosed at all. I recently started seeing a new psychiatrist. He only briefly listened to my issues and then prescribed me a heavy dose of meds. He did not give me any diagnosis.

So, what I learned is, if you complain about bad treatment from people, you get a cocktail of meds.

Since the pandemic, and the new meds, I am more depressed and anxious. I called him. He upped the meds. More complaints, more meds.

If there’s a take away lesson I’m aiming for it’s to shut my mouth and stop talking about the bad treatment from other people.

I agree, don’t be around people who treat you badly, even when they are your family. For my mental health, I need to find something else to do and distance myself.

I, too, also have people who are close and treat me well, as I do them. The simple truth of the matter is some people are nice and some aren’t. Stick to the nice ones. I treat everybody as though they are nice, until they prove me otherwise.