[Catie96]

..I don't even know where to start...

My husband and I have been going threw things and are trying to patch things backup. He is taking a nap right now. We have passwords on our phones but neither of knows each other passwords,..(iknow his but he doesn't know)...I just had a feeling telling me to look threw his phone real quick. He has a Porn ADDICTION!! And that's one of our problems, I look at his Internet History and Mainly there is porn websites but the I see.....shake me damn head......There's a dating app that we met off of, 3 years ago, we both were on and off it looking for A Unicorn(Poly Relationship). We had a couple chance that was close but never really succeeded. So we stopped for a while.
But lately, My episodes have been really been HARD on the BOTH of us! I did couples things and he did couples things that I will explain later that has landed us at the last straw....
Anyways...we both agreed to delete the app and not go back on it....When I checked his Internet History couples minutes ago, I seen that he was on it still....And I'm Just...FURIOUS, SURPRISE, SHAMED, DISRESPECTED, I feel so stupid......but yet OUT OF WORDS.......I'm staring at him with such hurt while sitting here shaking making my tics react, eyes full of years but won't dare to drop because of him...
I haven't gone into the app to see what he has been doing or saying, but I definitely do have a feeling and I just don't know what to do AT THIS MOMENT and just feel stuck...
Can someone please give me Advice, Suggestions, some kind of Information that can HELP me UNDERSTAND or COPE of how I feel and WHAT TO DO!?!?

[mote.of.soul]

Aw, I'm real sorry you're going through this with your husband right now, very heartbreaking. I can definitely understand all those feelings you listed. But I haven't been in a relationship for years so I don''t feel I should be handing out relationship advice at this stage - but someone here is bound to come along very soon with some experience and wisdom to help you, Catie96.

Don't you worry - there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there. ((hugs))

[sarahsweets]

I am sorry this is so hard. I dont know what to tell you about the app. On one hand my gut is dont snoop and confront him. On the other hand if I found this out about my husband I would have a hard time not snooping.

[Open Eyes]

Hi Catie, Welcome to Psych Central. I am sorry you have to deal with this kind of relationship challenge. For many women, it feels like they are being cheated on and betrayed. I think some males develop this addiction when they don't have a partner and they want to satisfy their normal sexual urges, and this can begin when a male is rather young too. It's very probable that he had this addiction long before he met you, perhaps for years. In their mind it's not really cheating, it's not loving the other individuals, it's all just about the activity itself that they discovered and began to use for their own sexual pleasure. Truth is, a lot of women develop their own self pleasure where they too like to masterbate for themselves even when they have a partner. Both men and women find it is an effective way to relieve stress and anxiety. And, these individuals do this because they like to simply enjoy themselves without actually having to perform for anyone else. Actually, this ususally begins with each individual as a part of self discovery long before the individual interacts with another individual. So, a person doesn't consider it actually cheating, instead it's just something they do for themselves.

Now, some individuals will read what I am explaining here and think I am terrible and it's awful and I am wrong etc. Yet, I am sharing a reality of human nature. We are designed to experience pleasure with or without another individual. And quite honestly, it's actually a part of obstaining until one finds a good partner that can be right for reproduction. It's also how an individual can relieve their normal sex drive when their partner is unable to engage due to health challenges or at certain stages of pregnancy.

The real concern is not so much when a partner engages in self satisfying aside from his/her relationship, it's more about taking that to a level of cheating with another individual that is wrong for a relationship, unless the couple agrees to an open relationship. Some individuals do need visual stimulation to self satisfy, that is why a man is provided with visuals when he is expected to provide sperm for different medical reasons. It's when it becomes an addition that can present the problem for the relationship.

[Have Hope]

HI @Catie96. Sorry you are going through such turmoil, and welcome to the forum!

Just so we can know, what are you most hurt and upset over? The porn, the fact that you found the dating app, or both? Do you feel betrayed because he may be seeking someone else outside of your relationship, but you're not sure if he is? What are your feelings about him having a porn habit? And where do you stand on porn itself within a relationship?

Some people find porn perfectly acceptable in a relationship, and others are very hurt by it and feel it is a betrayal and similar to cheating. Porn addiction takes things to a whole different level and can become problematic if it interferes with the intimacy in the relationship.

So I wondering how you feel about porn, and what is upsetting you the most?

[divine1966]

Being on a dating app would be immediate deal breaker. At this point I’d probably snoop further to make sure he is actually using it so I have evidence and then I’d file for divorce. Just my opinion of course

[Open Eyes]

Yes, I agree with divine on this part. Your husband should most definitely NOT be interacting on a dating app. That is a form of cheating for sure.

Also, I want to be clear about my previous post. There are things an individual does once in a while that are ok. However, when it comes to someone developing an addiction, that can interfere with having a healthy relationship.

That is like someone enjoying a glass of wine now and then verses someone that becomes alcohol dependent which RUINS their relationships be it friendships or partner because their life ends up revolving around the alcohol or whatever that person forms an addiction to.

Unfortunately, sometimes we get into relationships that turn out to be unheathy for us. So there can come a time where we have to sit and consider our own mental health because it's always unhealthy when expected to be an enabler and suffer because the other person has an addiction problem they may take out on us or deceive us in someway with.

[MickeyCheeky]

I am so sorry this is happening to You and your Husband, @Catie96! It seems REALLY painful! I completely agree with all the other wise and wonderful posters. I can certainly understand you being upset by the porn and especially by him using that dating app. I definitely feel like it'd be best for you to talk to him about ALL of this and see how it goes from there. Hopefully he will understand what you mean and you'll both be able to reach an agreement or conclusion. I also highly recommend seeing a Couple Counsellor if he's willing to. I feel like that would REALLY help both of you! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @Catie96, ALL of Your Family, ALL of Your Friends, Your Husband and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK, MY DEAR, SWEET, KIND, AWESOME, WISE, SAGE, SMART, INTELLIGENT, THOUGHTFUL, REFLECTIVE AND WONDERFUL FRIEND?!

it sucks he has a porn issue, but you went looking...so I guess in some way..don't look for things you don't want to find. and he doesn't know you have his password either...so in truth you aren't being totally truthful either.

are you going to confront him , stating all your found info? stating you HAVE his password and went snooping>? that shows no trust on his your side...so the issue while seemingly one sided on your front ins't exactly so..

not taking anyone's sides here but before you can chastise someone you need to make sure you crap is all good. just saying. good luck with everything

[AzulOscuro]

I cheated on my partner online and he cheated on me before also online. For us, it was cheating but as Open Eyes says, many men and I would also dare to say women don’t see it like cheating.
In these cases, from my point of view the best is how you both see the matter. Why he wasn’t honest when you both made a deal about deleting the app. If it’s still worthy to go on with the relationship or not, working on the relationship to improve it...

You are the one who knows better your husband. You have the right to know the truth.
Do you think talking straight away with him is gonna be effective? Or do you think make a little of research before about what’s he doing in the app is gonna be better? You are the only one who can reply to these questions.

What is normal and anormal in a couple is only a matter of them. How they both consider what’s happening. So, I wouldn’t worried about the porn stuff unless it’s an addiction.

[divine1966]

I think only you can decide what works for you.

Did you confront him already?

If cheating is a no no for you then end it. But maybe it’s not a deal breaker for you.

Many women stay with cheaters so we can’t tell you what to do. It depends what you are willing to put up with. Are you financially independent? If not you should try to get there. Sadly many people stay in bad marriages because they can’t or won’t become independent and would put up with bad treatment as long as their inappropriate spouse pays bills.

I urge you to thrive for independence so you don’t stick around for that sad reason

[Fuzzybear]

remember you snooped on his phone. you had his password and while he might have been going to a porn site which you consider cheating , you "cheated:" by having a password which he did not know you had and then went onto his SECURE phone. sometimes, one bad deed deserves another....

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by resurgam

remember you snooped on his phone. you had his password and while he might have been going to a porn site which you consider cheating , you "cheated:" by having a password which he did not know you had and then went onto his SECURE phone. sometimes, one bad deed deserves another....

I think when referring to cheating she meant he has an account and is active on online dating site. Being on porn sites is a separate issue. At least that’s how I read it

yes but she cheated on him by having HIS password..she said that neither one of them supposedly knew each other's password but she knew his and snooped on his phone...I would consider that as cheating ...not being totally honest & faithful

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by resurgam

yes but she cheated on him by having HIS password..she said that neither one of them supposedly knew each other's password but she knew his and snooped on his phone...I would consider that as cheating ...not being totally honest & faithful

Makes sense. Might not be “unfaithful” but not being honest for sure.

[TheDarkWoods]

Did you end up confronting him?
I can relate to this situation with my own SO, only it has been time and time again that I have caught him in his porn addiction because he let's it interfere with day to day life. I always jump the gun though and I always get confrontational which is a poor strategy, honestly. It always ends in us fighting it out, having our words out at each other and then me forgiving him under certain conditions and agreements which may or may not be followed through.

He had an emotional affair mixed up in all this. This is a grey area, however. He had the intent of getting us into some "threesome" or so he claims but it was entirely behind my back when it should have been brought up with me before he even messaged her. Also, the way he spoke to her and the things he said were not ok for a man who is in a monogamous relationship to say. I had a dislike for this woman and when he found out his threesome was not going to happen he continued to speak with her until caught- long winded, but just to clarify. It is similar of your own partner was looking for a third as well? My SO never touched her though. That is the only reason we remain together.

Trust is a hard thing go regain once it has been shattered. Some times it is even irrepairable. I might suggest though going into the app to see if it is collecting dust or if he has indeed been active on it and go from there. Or even check from your own end if you still have an account if he has been active?

I do not think that going onto a significant others phone is 'cheating'. If someone has nothing to hide and they are faithful, themselves, then there would be no problem.
Understandably he will probably grow defensive when he finds out that you snooped and will try to turn it on to you. I guess it is going to be a discussion you will have to have.

It has gotten to the point in our own series of ultimatums that my SO is no longer allowed to have a password I do not know. He did this freely in an attempt to regain my trust. It is our compromise. He has my passwords, too. He always does though, I am lame and never change them.

Anyways, I hope you will find an amiable solution or compromise with your own husband. I know it is a sickening feeling, stumbling across something like this.
Hugs, and good luck!