Passive Aggressive People

Nothing incenses me more than a passive aggressive person. And they can in part and sometimes get away with it because you can never truly call them out on the behavior because it's more subtle, it's not direct and it's very sneaky.

It's the worst kind of person in my personal opinion. When it is done to harm another, it is purely out of malice and intent to harm. That kind of person is a low life person in my opinion.

I see this all too often in people, and what makes me most angry is that they never own up to it. I want to tell them, just be direct, for crying out loud. And if you're angry, then own up to it and say so. Don't take it out on others in indirect ways.

The healthy way to deal with anger is to confront it, own it and to address it with the person you're angry with. Passive aggressiveness is not a healthy way to deal with people in relationships. It's just not.

Dear Have Hope,

I can see what you mean. Wish I knew what to say that would help.

Sincerely yours, -- Yao Wen

Usually people you describe are very unwell and suffer from something they aren’t addressing through proper channels like professional help/ therapy or just not willing/capable to fix their own life.

They usually are angry about things going wrong in their own life, don’t know how to address it and how to fix it, so they lash on to others. They lash passive aggressively and not directly because it’s easier. Honestly I feel sad for them. Their life is a mess.

Whenever possible either tell them directly to back off or ignore them. Not worth your time. Unless you must interact with them (like at work) don’t waste 5 minutes on them. If they ask for help, advice some way of improving their lives. And if not, let them ride into the sunset. We all have bigger fish to fry. No time to deal with silliness

Thank you, @Yaowen and thank you, @divine1966!

I agree that these kinds of people are not emotionally well, and that they likely project all their own suffering and personal anger onto others by lashing out passive aggressively. I believe their dysfunctional way of communicating is much more about their own internal state than about another person, like you said, Divine.

I feel very sad for them too, because they must be very dysfunctional in their own lives and clearly cannot communicate their feelings or emotions properly or in healthier and more productive ways. All they end up doing is creating a toxic relationship dynamic, resentment and anger to all the individuals whom they offend through their passive aggressiveness.

There are many unwell people in this world. And there are those who love to point fingers and blame others when really, they are to blame for all their problems and for the problems occurring in a relationship dynamic.

Passive aggressive people love to project what is really THEIR problem onto everyone else or onto another person. They cannot acknowledge or deal with their own problems or their own emotions, and therefore, they project them onto everyone else and take it out on everyone else. That's why I say that they are unhealthy people.

Not my kind of person. I can't deal with that, and there's plenty of it in this world.

Sadly they might have personality disorder of sorts but not understand that or not know that help is available. I hope they get the help they need. It can’t be easy to live in anger, always feel like a victim and lash out. It just can’t be an easy life. Help is out there though. I will pray for them

Yes, well, deep inside, they must be miserable, unhappy and anger-filled people. It is most sad. That's nice of you to pray for them. I don't. I am not so nice, because I have been at the brunt of certain individual's passive aggressiveness, and I find it so offensive that I think the person needs a serious kick in the groin and in the head. Yes, they really do need help, and it most likely is a personality disorder of sorts or a mental health issue on their part.

And you ever notice that once you call someone out on something, that they fire back even harder and even more passive aggressively? Doth protest too much! lol! It's SO obvious, it's practically laughable and I am in fact, laughing AT THEM. Because it's SO pathetic.

I am in fact a pretty happy person..... so all this says is something about THEIR poor character and THEIR inner misery as a person.

I hear you. I just think if (very likely) they have personality disorder or other issues so they do need help. They maybe have cognitive limitations that causes them not fully understand their own behaviors. They might not know any better due to their limitations. So I am trying to be compassionate towards their struggle.

Yes.. I will try to have greater compassion myself. You are leading by example, Divine! TY.

I think there are many types of passive aggressive behaviour? When it’s intentional it’s the most annoying

(Not you or anyone here)

I also think it’s healthier to address the anger to the person someone is angry with. I guess sometimes that isn’t possible though.

I have to admit right off the bat that I am known for being passive-aggressive. I do consider myself to be multifaceted and I do try everything else before going down that road and I only do it when the other person is a "my way or the highway" type of person. My husband is that way a lot of times where he's very critical and issues orders to me rather than asking. Recently, I was eating a fish burger and he said, "Look at you, you're going to get fat! Why are you eating that?" So, I threw the whole thing away after one bite.

While it ebbs and flows, my work can be filled with sociopaths and tyrants. I once had to do a summary of a project that had already been done by another organization. I told the requester at HQ that it had already been done and that doing a redundant report that might contradict parts of the original report would be bad. I was lectured on how it was a still a requirement and that I had to do it. So, I generated a concise, 12 page summary and then got chewed out for not including "everything." I then put in everything: emails, replies to emails, notes, thoughts about notes, took out paragraph headers and made three page runon sentences for a total of 174 pages of drivel. I would then call and email, asking what the person thought of page 128, line 47, etc. I never heard back from them.

I had to deal with a woman we called The Alabama Tick and The Eye of Sauron. She dug herself into a position where you had to go through her to get paperwork through and she demanded that you kiss her ring every time you wanted to get anything done. If you didn't bend the knee she would berate you publicly and make sure your paperwork was never completed and then throw you under the bus to management. She had this behavior where if you didn't bow down she would walk into the area, wave her hand dismissively and say that there was a problem with someone before walking into the manager's office and shutting the door. Someone would then be summoned to be chewed out over something inconsequential. I fell afoul of her when she demanded that I be her gopher and do her admin work and I rebuffed her because I was being paid to fly and she wasn't my boss. That, and she was stalking myself and a friend in the locker room. Funny, how she would always show up in the shower when we were there. After that I was subjected to never being able to get my paper through and the mandatory humiliation that she would throw around publicly at people who failed to meet her standards. I took it on the cheek for two years before I told her, "You want to play that game, let's play that game." She told me threateningly that she was going to read everything that I wrote. I thanked her...and then would save up all of my paper for Friday at 3:30pm where I would pile the paper on her desk and tell her that the boss needed it Monday morning. Fate intervened when she was assigned to work part time for me and it was mandatory for her to keep her job. I would walk into the area, wave my hand dismissively and say that there was a problem with someone. She was so odious that about thirty of us mounted a covert campaign to convince her to retire and we finally did it.

I am usually wonderfully direct, but when I encounter someone who is determined to mess with me and won't take no for an answer I do go hard passive-aggressive. It's something I'm working on, but it's a survival mechanism.

Hahah Raven, 174 page report. What do you think about page 148, line 25? This is certainly one of those times when passive aggressive is the only way to deal with a person like that, since you can’t avoid them at work! I like your writing style

I never really thought that passive aggressive behavior was , on occasion, probably the only way to deal with certain people and situations.
All I can say for myself is that I’ve been dealing with this type of behavior from my SO for over 50 years !!! And I’m a type of person that likes to deal with issues directly and to the point ! She has caused me a tremendous amount of pain over the years. Whatever pain she may be going through is unknown because, being passive aggressive allows her to deflect and not talk about things directly and with honesty. The only reason we’re still together is a common addiction to each other, and maybe fate. But it’s been one hell of a roller coaster ride of a life.
Wish I had what it took to leave her for good. But I’m weak.

I hear you. I am the type of person who is direct too and I prefer to work out any conflicts, differences of opinion or difficult issues directly... I like to talk things through in a mature, adult manner, if at all possible. It's a difficult situation in a partnership when those kinds of stylistic differences exist. It can make things most maddening for the person who wants to deal with things head on. I feel your pain and I am very sorry to hear this has been exasperating for you. It's so very hard to leave a spouse or partner, especially after 50 years!!! Hugs to you.

I just posted in this forum and deleted my post. My post was on another topic.

I find “passive aggressive” people hard to deal with....

They do not own their stuff and tell me I am “passive aggressive”

They tell me I have the same faults they have. Most of those faults I do NOT have and who are they to judge anyway

It is boring

Kind thoughts and respect to all

(Not about anyone on pc)

Yeah... that's projection of their own issues onto you. I have learned over time to not absorb other people's projections into my thoughts or psyche. It's hard to do when someone is slinging crap your way unfairly and unjustly, but it's easier once you see what they're doing and don't take any ownership of their poor behaviors.

Hugs to you! I was having the same issue with a friend. He would project a lot of thing onto me and would even tell me what I was feeling with an astonishing level of inaccuracy.

Kind thoughts right back to you.

I had many passive aggressive behaviors. And I’m sure still I have some of this.
Only thing I can say to my favor is that normally people who display these behaviours don’t do it on purpose, they do it because they have problems and didn’t get a healthier way to interact with others.

I have a book about social skills and there are important chapters dedicated to assertiveness and it was of great help to identify and why as passive attitude and aggressive ones are so harmful, not only their relation with other people but also for the self-steen of the person.

For me people who display such extremes behaviours are trying to compensate. I have a tattoo that symbolise the search for balance, for the single reason that I tend to miss myself in the extremes. I want to keep the North somehow.

I think it’s time to revise these chapters about assertiveness.

Good thread!

From this article, passive aggressiveness almost seems like a defense mechanism of sorts.

From Psychology Today:

"Passive-aggressive behavior often arises when an individual feels powerless and lacks a strong voice in a challenging environment. If the negative life experience is salient enough to be psychologically anchored, one’s passive-aggressive instinct may emerge repeatedly in other, approximating dynamics (such as a husband who unconsciously deals with his mother issues through his wife). The passive-aggressive, out of the fear of being dominated once more, may utilize a set of survival and resistance strategies to avoid (in his or her perception) being victimized again.

It’s often difficult to gain a full picture of why a passive-aggressive behaves as she or he does. However, even a partial understanding can help increase awareness and improve communication.

Below are six possible root causes of passive-aggressive behavior, with excerpts from my book, How to Successfully Handle Passive-Aggressive People.

1. One’s family history. Was there a strong and possibly domineering parent or sibling in the passive-aggressive’s life? Was there competition for attention, affection, and approval? Was there a power struggle over obedience, conformity, and individual identity?

2. If there's a dominant individual in the passive-aggressive’s family, did the passive-aggressive witness/observe others in the family using passive-aggressive tactics to resist (fight), avoid (flight) or stonewall (freeze)? Were difficult emotions, such as anger, frustration, hurt, defensiveness, or resentment kept hidden but simmering?

3. Was/is there a dominant figure of the opposite sex who exerted an inordinate degree of influence? This can be a parent or sibling. It can also be a teacher, friend, community leader, romantic partner, or colleague. Observe the power dynamics of how the passive-aggressive interacts with a strong woman or man. Does the passive-aggressive fight and resist subversively? Flight and avoid important problems? Or freeze and go into denial?

4. For a female passive-aggressive, was she influenced by one or more domineering male figures growing up? Did or does she have to deal with male-dominant environments such as family, school, or work? Was/is her experience with other women competitive (i.e. jealousy) rather than cooperative or supportive?

5. Did the passive-aggressive experience any social weaknesses and/or disadvantages during her or his formative years? This may include being judged or made fun of due to appearance, or perceived lack of intellectual, speech, social or physical ability. What about presently?

6. Were there any societal constraints that inhibited the passive-aggressive’s freedom of expression? This may include being the target of gender bias, cultural discrimination, class difference, homophobia, religious conformity, attitudinal correctness, and/or other socio-cultural restrictions.

article:
What Makes People Passive-Aggressive? 6 Possible Causes | Psychology Today

The article you posted took me to another where passive aggressive behaviours were described and for a moment I got all scared. Stab in the back among others. I don’t achieve such extremes. As much I ignore you or go far from you if I felt hurt and nothing can be done.

It’s interesting. There’s another article that point to child abuse as a cause for the passive aggressive behaviour. It makes lots of sense since the person who uses these passive aggressive patters are reproducing both roles, the one of the abuser and the one of himself, the abused.

It’s so important a kid feels himself loved, accepted, listened, respected. So important. Thanks god, we are now more aware than ever about how important it is because we are born with a temperament. Researchers were done with babies to know whether we were born with a higher or lower level of resilience and it came out that yes, we have a tendency. But, brought up is so relevant.

That was an excellent article about causes of passive aggressive behaviors. Definitely food for thought. It explains a lot. Doesn’t necessarily excuses bad behaviors but explains why people might behave in this manner

That's really good and thanks for sharing that. I gave it some thought and I grew up in an environment where women should not be too direct, especially in conflict. I do my best to be direct, but I work in an environment where sometimes standing your ground appropriately is bad for your health and career so I go into guerrilla warfare mode. There is still a lot of bias that I experience where women should be seen and not heard and should just obey so I peck away at their pillars of greatness from below when I have to.

Yeah, I thought that article was eye opening. It helped me to understand it better. I grew up where anger was never expressed openly, so I learned to bury my anger and took it inwards against myself. I was never really passive aggressive, but I had trouble dealing with anger most of my life. I am still learning how to appropriately handle it.