Is it me? Or is it him?

Well, heres my story. Hold on, grab the popcorn.
Married my much younger lover when he was in county jail. I was 48 he was 28 at the time. I figured I wasnt song anything else. So why not.
Then he got sentenced. 9 years. 2 years later, after I had once more drug myself off of rock bottom due to my addiction. He confessed to being bi sexual. Ok, I dealt with it. Moved on. He had a lover inside. He needed to stay out of seg. So he could learn a trade. For our future. But for 6 .5 years he ended up in seg every 3 months. I could set the date on my calendar by it. Yet, I stood by. And financially supported him. I went to school. Landed a good job. Worked my rear off. While he drank and whatever else he did in there in my dime.
But, being an addict, I lost my job after 3 years. Moved back with mom to recoup. And that's when he started with the anger. Mad at me for losing his place to go home to. Yelling at me that he has no where to go. Telling me I hurt him with that. That not only did I screw up my life but his as well. Said he doesnt look at me the same anymore. Because he gets out in 11 months. And he has to stay in the halfway house to take his classes because I lost his home to go to. It has gotten to the point that nothing I do or say is ok. According to him, I am only a notch above him being in prison. Since I'm at mamma's at my age.
I found a better job. Double the money. Fell, shattered my elbow, knocked me out of work. Then coronavirus struck. The oil business bottomed out ( where I was working(
I catch myself telling him little fibs just to keep him off my case. Every phone call is a fight. Every letter is riddled with comments. ' I wont have the lies in my home, you have to change or we cant be together' I've told him several times this isnt working. Then i hear how he is suicidal in his cell because he cant make his wife happy.
I looked over so so so much stuff. Forgave and moved forward. Yet, i feel as if he wont forgive me I don't think he even likes me anymore. Is my " condition" just telling me this? He says I'm wrong. I cant be imagining his rude butt. Can I?

Any reason to keep this 'relationship'? What do you get out of this? (something...)

He got himself into jail -- you did not accomplish that for him - he did that all himself, and he is entirely responsible for the position he is now in. Do not let him railroad you into believing that HIS issues that he now faces are YOUR fault. You have an addiction and need treatment. You both need rehab of sorts in order to function and thrive in society. He needs a halfway house after jail to be able to stay out of jail.

I wonder what it is that you see in this guy and want?

What do you need him for? I’d divorce him while he is still in prison and go to rehab and work on my addiction. He sounds like bad news no matter if he is in or out. I’d worry about him getting out being worse than when he went in. He is a bad news.

Im wondering if he was just using you for your money and for a place to stay and start over when he gets out. I don't see "love" anywhere from either direction. What's seg?

This is a situation for which the phrase "you can do bad all by yourself" was made for. No more money for him. Invest it in a divorce.

Is it me or him? It's him. Run. Get a divorce now. He will find another victim to exploit, don't lose a moment worrying about him.

(I'm starting with MsLady's quote, because I think she hit the nail on the head.)

I'm really sorry to say, but it VERY much appears he's using you. He gets "mad" and "hurt" because he senses his "supply" is getting cut off.

Also, you gave and gave, and forgave and forgave. You have nothing to seek his forgiveness for.

And yeah, they'll play the "suicide card". Don't fall for it. It's just to put you back in line.

Every move and comment is designed to keep you in his sway, giving him all that he wants. Period. And i'm guessing you don't get much in return. Crumbs maybe? Usually in service of another goal. (If I play nice....)

This kind of stuff can really seriously erode self-esteem. Something many of us already have in short supply. You don't need that. It doesn't help your recovery.

I hope you do not think I made too many leaps. But it's a behavioral pattern I quickly recognized from unfortunate personal experience. And a lot of reading about emotional abuse.

I wish you the very best moving forward.

I was wondering this. I think he is probably using you?

His suicide threat is a form of emotional blackmail.

It will be helpful I think to learn more about emotional blackmail if you aren't already familiar it.

Is it you or him? Honest answer is both. You should not have married this guy in the first place. All you are to him is a sugar mama. You both have addiction problems. And you clearly must have low self esteem if you keep using whatever you are addicted to and you sabotage your work with your continuing to stay addicted. And you must not think much of yourself in the first place to marry such a loser who basically treats you like crap.

Ditch this loser and get sober and work on your self esteem issues so you don’t end up with losers like this.

Since you have no property nor children together. The divorce will be simple... You need to file now while he is in jail/prison. Cut any and all contact with him... Today! You owe him NO explaination.. You have been his meal ticket unfortunately, But the good thing is YOU can stop that today.

You deserve so much better, Focus your energy on yourself right now

Seg is isolation cell where people are sent as a punishment if they cause fights in prison or otherwise break the rules

Surprisingly high number of women marry inmates. I guess the appeal is hopes to change and save the guy. It doesn’t work this way. And the other appeal is you are married and in a relationship but never really have to deal with a guy because he is locked up. If he is always locked up, you don’t even know him. It’s not real relationship. It’s a fantasy.

Get divorced before he gets out. For you all know he is likely dangerous

Yikes. Lets pretend he's a nice guy caught up in a poor circumstance. While in jail, he's developed a pattern of aggressive behaviours (never mind what brought him there in the first place). If he's in seg for fights, he'll very likely get into a physical fight with you over money, living situation, etc.

You can not save him. He's too far under and you'll likely die of an overdose in attempt to cope with his behaviours.. or be killed by his hand.

It's a dead duck! Divorce is the only logical solution to get you started with helping yourself. Sorry! Big hugs to you. You don't need him!!