I can’t stop thinking about few things I’ve started to notice lately. I was pretty fat back in a day and I took massive action to change it. When I lost few pounds but was still chubby people around me noticed. They complemented and encouraged me. A few months later I shaped up even more and bought new clothes and now you can really tell the difference. Then I caught up with my friends again and you know what?

Radio silence. I’m not expecting people to adore me every minute, but it’s interesting. Yesterday I told them a story about how I bumped into that cute girl I used to work with the other day and that I thought she seemed very interested in me right from the beginning but I wasn't sure. The reactions of my friends were… interesting. I felt like a public enemy number one. They came up with various scenarios why she was just nice (and NOT INTERESTED, 100%) and one of them even told me that “I should lose more weight”. Funny part is that I’m currently in better shape that he is.

What is up with them? I honestly feel attacked, even though I feel great because of progress I’ve made. I’m not antagonizing them in any way. I can see few reasons, sure, but first I want to ask for your opinion, because of your neutral attitude. Thanks!

[Open Eyes]

Meh, people often don't really know what to say. And if the other person was heavier than you, maybe your getting into shape made him feel a bit self conscious.

It's good that you are working on yourself, lost weight and are seeing and feeling the difference. The important thing is to keep working on your self esteem, you still carry some hurts from being overweight and bullied so typically you will still be a bit sensitive as that is very normal from working on overcoming bullying and abuse that created low self esteem challenges.

[divine1966]

I personally don’t like when people comment on my weight regardless if it went up or down. I think people might not know if it’s ok to comment. Sometimes people lose weight due to illness so when someone comments “oh you lost weight and look so great”, it’s all kind of wrong.

About situation with a girl it could be she was just being nice. It’s wrong of them to tell you that you should lose more weight though. Not appropriate comment at all

Originally Posted by divine1966

About situation with a girl it could be she was just being nice.

See? That's the thing. Or maybe she was attracted to me. Not an option, I guess, huh?


It's very common attitude. Once people see you as fat, sick or damaged, they will always assume worse scenario for you in situation such as this. That is one of the biggest reasons why people who changed their life are harsh, ruthless bad guys. I'm really close to becoming one too.

[Open Eyes]

I think people can be jerks no matter WHAT a person looks like or how nice they are.

Originally Posted by MisterPaul

See? That's the thing. Or maybe she was attracted to me. Not an option, I guess, huh?

It's very common attitude. Once people see you as fat, sick or damaged, they will always assume worse scenario for you in situation such as this. That is one of the biggest reasons why people who changed their life are harsh, ruthless bad guys. I'm really close to becoming one too.

The change in your "friends" attitude towards you after your weight loss has everything to do with the utility that your friendship with them served them, as their "fat friend." This is why, when people lose weight, they lose their "friends."

But, actually, the weight loss, is a signal to these "friends" that your role in their life has changed. You are no longer "weak" and "easy to manipulate" or "someone they conveniently ignore." When you lose weight, you regain your self-worth, your self-esteem increases. Because, when you lose weight, you show the world that you value yourself. And to the "friends" who are fair weather, well, this is bad news for them, because it means to them that now they can't get away with treating you as poorly as they did before.

Now that you have lost weight and regained your self value, you hold yourself to a higher standard, which means, you hold others to a higher standard. You no longer are willing to put up with people's crap and abuse. And the wrong kind of people will notice this change, with weight loss, in the people they never really valued in the first place. But who the hell wants those people in their life?

And, many times, when we make changes to our inner life or outer appearance, the reaction of our friends and family reveals A LOT about the level of value we serve in those people's lives. Sometimes, we find out, we served no real value if they suddenly are unavailable to talk to or hang out with, or they are suddenly mean or standoffish.

But in the long run the weight loss is a great way to shed the wrong people, as well as the pounds. Keep that in mind.

[*Beth*]

Be very, very, very cautious about looking to others for approval regarding your body. Regardless of what we weigh, confident people will be complimentary or not even think about weight; people who lack confidence might be mean to you.

From someone who has been model-thin, "normal" weight, and overweight, my advice is to work on your own self worth. Don't allow others to tell you who you are!

As for the girl? Of course she could be interested in you! It's absolutely ridiculous for anyone to believe otherwise. Only she knows.

I'll tell you what turns everybody off. Bitterness. "Harsh" and "ruthless" comes from a place of being bitter. Bitter is definitely never a good place to be.

[Klt3sGoldilocks]

Sometimes I think it's jealousy. You accomplished something they haven't or refuse to work on.
Some people dont know how to genuinely be happy for others. Don't let it get to you. Keep up the good work you are doing for yourself. Eventually they will get over it.

[Klt3sGoldilocks]

Sometimes I think it's jealousy. You accomplished something they haven't or refuse to work on.
Some people dont know how to genuinely be happy for others. Don't let it get to you. Keep up the good work you are doing for yourself. Eventually they will get over themselves.

Originally Posted by BethRags

I'll tell you what turns everybody off. Bitterness. "Harsh" and "ruthless" comes from a place of being bitter. Bitter is definitely never a good place to be.

Easier said than done. Being treated very poorly for most of your life leaves scars. No matter what I do or how hard I work on myself today, these "me against them" moments are going to be there. And then I am harsh and often ruthless and I think I can't change that.

[MsLady]

Maybe they're uncomfortable with the "new you" because you likely behave more differently now (confident, outgoing, optimistic, etc) and they're just not used to it yet.

Maybe they were drawn to the "old you" because they could relate with you on some level, but now that you've changed, they're having to adjust how to relate with you.

The girl, maybe she was interested and maybe she was being friendly. You'll never know until you ask her out

Many people don't like changes and as rude as they may have been, it may be more to do with not liking the change than not liking the new you.

I knew a guy who lost more than half his weight over the course of a summer. Everyone commented on how great he looked. He felt like the added attention was superficial, as he was still the same person they ignored before summer. So for a bit, the compliments he received did not get internalized as such.

[divine1966]

Our society puts a lot of pressure on looks, especially thinness. Sure for health reasons extra weight is bad and it’s good to keep it within healthy parameters but other than that being thin is not a requirement for a life of success or happiness. I don’t know if these guys care about weight or not. Lots of men are oblivious about these things

I don’t know about that girl. Ask her for a cup of coffee?

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by MisterPaul

Easier said than done. Being treated very poorly for most of your life leaves scars. No matter what I do or how hard I work on myself today, these "me against them" moments are going to be there. And then I am harsh and often ruthless and I think I can't change that.

All healthy behavior is easier said than done, in my experience. That said, self worth is worth working toward.

[mote.of.soul]

You sound like you may have quite a positive, optimistic mindset @MisterPaul, and, so, if you're interacting with a person who doesn't have that same mindset, then generally you will hear and feel, you will sense the negativity, the disparity, and you may feel like the life is being sucked out of you by certain people. I'm just guessing but I think that's what may be happening in your case. It's just different mindsets. Positive vs negative.

And also, congratulations on the weight loss. Super well done, it's a good achievement.💪💪

[sarcgeo]

Human beings are strange creatures. Throughout most of my life, most of the people that have appeared in my life had a double side to them. I have one true friend that I can honestly say I trust and will confide in him almost anything. People are complex adorned with many puzzle pieces that make them who they are. I do not have the luxury of many friends and that is because I cannot trust easily. I am rather cynical and wonder what people's motives are in befriending me. At 44 ripe years, I can safely say that very, very few people in my real life know who I am and my heart. In a way, I push people away; therefore, there won't need to be heartache down the road.

I am sorry this happened to you and some people can really be superficial. If all they care about is looks and body weight, then they will never know the real you. Don't get me wrong, looks and body weight are a part of you, but they don't define you. What defines you is that voice you hear before you go to sleep. That soft voice that tells you who you are and your capabilities. Don't allow judgments by superficial human beings affect you, since it is only a projection of their insecurities.

Be in touch with your inner voice. I hate this lonely road that I am on, yet it is one that I have chosen. The life of a hermit is not for everyone, but it is one that I choose out of safety for my sanity and due to the duality of human beings. I simply cannot trust, yet as I do have one friend, I will give you trust over time. Trust is earned and never forget who you are within.

Some "friends" can take more than you realize and sometimes will push you to the edge of doubting yourself. Trust me, as it has happened to me many, many times.

--sarc

[*Beth*]

^^^ Yes!

Originally Posted by MisterPaul

Easier said than done. Being treated very poorly for most of your life leaves scars. No matter what I do or how hard I work on myself today, these "me against them" moments are going to be there. And then I am harsh and often ruthless and I think I can't change that.

Those "me against them" moments you write about, are there for everyone, when it comes to investing ourselves in people who are essentially incompatible with us, because of different value systems, etc.

Just don't let those dictate your inner self-worth because those moments are the ego's response to incompatible personalities and value systems, if that makes any sense?

That's how I frame my own "me against them" moments. When we are in sync with people of like mind, we don't have those "me against them" moments. We are are up against opposing personalities, opposing viewpoints, opposing value systems, then we will have a lot of "me against them" moments.

I think your harsh and ruthless response is a defense mechanism against those incompatible friendships. It makes sense that you would want to protect yourself against other people who put you down for your weight.

Well, those people are shallow for doing that. So, don't internalize their shallow view of you as how you should feel about yourself. Don't compare yourself to anyone. That's a game that can never be won for anyone. It's an easy trap to fall into too. I could compare myself to a lot of people, but if I distance myself, I can see that they have major flaws just like I do, so then, their lives are far from perfect too.

I've thought it through and the biggest fear I have is that they are right and I actually am not a big deal and no matter what I do, that's not going to change. But I'll do the work, hoping they're wrong and there is a way out.


I appreciate your input here, guys

Originally Posted by MisterPaul

I've thought it through and the biggest fear I have is that they are right and I actually am not a big deal and no matter what I do, that's not going to change. But I'll do the work, hoping they're wrong and there is a way out.

I appreciate your input here, guys

Try not to attach your sense of self-worth to other people's opinions of you. Try to find a way to learn to accept yourself inwardly, so that other people's opinions of you don't really matter to you in the long run. I think if you can do that, you'll feel a lot better.

Hang in there.

[guy1111]

All of these replies to your original post are great advice! You have made a drastic positive change to your life! You are a good person worthy of respect. You need to keep telling yourself this until you believe it. It takes time and lots more work needs to be done to put your old self in the past. You will have many more major life changes in the future as well. This is just the beginning. Imagine what you can do with the power you have to change your thinking. Most people never get to where you are at. They just accept themselves as they are and never change. You may lose some friends and gain new ones that see the new you. You may feel uncomfortable and want to revert back to your old self, but you are better than that! Keep going. Everyone here is proud of you!

[MsLady]

Originally Posted by MisterPaul

I've thought it through and the biggest fear I have is that they are right and I actually am not a big deal and no matter what I do, that's not going to change.

Part of the work is about being able to see your accomplishments as a "big deal" to YOU. You're looking for external rewards but, as corny as it sounds, the rewards are within you.

There are many reasons why these people didn't give you the attention you needed.. and I get it, it stings. Our friends and social circle "ought to be" happy with us. Unless you ask them all directly, you'll never know why. So for that, it's pointless to stew over it.

Just be your authentic self. Make sure your feelings of proudness doesn't cross over into arrogance, as I've seen that happen in others, as well. If they continue to be unsupportive of you, make new friends.

Originally Posted by MsLady

There are many reasons why these people didn't give you the attention you needed.. and I get it, it stings. Our friends and social circle "ought to be" happy with us. Unless you ask them all directly, you'll never know why. So for that, it's pointless to stew over it.

I may sound arrogant but I'm slowly starting to believe that maybe, just maybe, I went a little bit too far with my progress. Funny how sometimes people around you can be very supportive as you deal with your problems (for example weight problems), but one day you show up in better shape than they are and... I dunno, maybe I'm reaching, but we all have egos and we rarely enjoy when others surpass us. It's human nature, hard to deny it.


I let the time be the judge here since I'm not stopping this train. I've just lost another 2 pounds

[guy1111]

I was reading a book called, The Body Keeps The Score. It is about how our minds and bodies are connected and how trauma can affect our chemical balances and even our physical health. In the book, the author describes coping mechanisms such as drinking and eating.

This may be completely off base, so forgive me. The author said that if we are overweight due to coping with a previous trauma and we shed the weight, we notice people reacting differently to us. If there are unresolved issues from people hurting us before we were overweight, those issues may pop back up.

Could you be experiencing increased attention that has been difficult to deal with in the past?

I know for me, when I began to get healthy, I struggled to cope because my old unhealthy habbits were too tempting to go back too. I didn't have a crutch to fall back on and felt overwhelmed facing social situations I wasn't used to head on.

Either way, congrats on the continued weight loss!!

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I personally don’t like when people comment on my weight regardless if it went up or down. I think people might not know if it’s ok to comment. Sometimes people lose weight due to illness so when someone comments “oh you lost weight and look so great”, it’s all kind of wrong.

About situation with a girl it could be she was just being nice. It’s wrong of them to tell you that you should lose more weight though. Not appropriate comment at all

Good post. I do not like it when people comment on my weight... up or down. I find it boring and inappropriate. It can also sometimes be deliberately rude.