My sister doesn’t want to have a sibling relationship with me?

My sister and I are both in our early 20’s, we both live at home, due to financial constraints. We have always fought with one another throughout our lives. Though we have had stages of cordial behaviour. This doesn’t last too long.

However, over the last two years my sister has pulled back from me entirely and does not seem to want to associate with me. Why do I say this?

- She does not bother with me anymore.
- She ignores most of my text messages.
- We used to occasionally go out to the cinema or for fast food, that does not happen now.
- She has deleted me from Facebook.
- She makes a point of rarely being in our house.

Basically her schedule is work, work, work. I think this is to get away with from us as a family, as she stays out to 11pm and often works two shifts which is abnormal in my eyes.

She does not disclose much of her own life with our family. I have no idea if she is in a relationship or has been in a relationship. I can definitely see her being in a relationship and not telling any of us.

It has crossed my mind that she may be LGBT as she has never talked about liking any man and has said that she does not care for relationships. That may be true but this has crossed my mind, due to her secrecy and the fact that one of her friends is transgender.

Recently, she was supposed to have graduated. We have each asked her for her degree results, she continually tells us that she has not got them. Again, I am now wondering if she has dropped out or failed. I have her a gift and she thanked me but did not seem to care.

She does not seem to want to have a relationship with me, even a cordial relationship. She seems to be indifferent to me. I would say that she has basically cut me off and is only in our home for sleep. I respect she wants privacy but is it not too much of an ask for her to at least talk to or bother with me once a month or so?

It hurts me that I am her brother, but she wants nothing to do with me and seems to have this built up resentment towards me for no real reason.

It sounds like she wants space to figure herself out. Try not to take this personally and just give her the space.

She is presumably building her life best she can in these difficult times. You are both independent adults. You dont need each others approval. It would behoove you to do the same.

That sounds painful.

I don't think there is 'no real reason' for her pulling away. She must have her own reasons. Unfortunately, we can't force others to want a relationship with us. Family included.

All you can do is give her her space and be there for her (if that is what you want).

Not all sibling relationships are meant to be mutual and supportive of each other. Not all family's are functional. Not all family's have supportive family members. It's the hard reality of life.

My sister and I grew up emotionally detached from each other. And, later in our 20s I tried to take steps to change that interpersonal dynamic between us, but failed. She is who she is. She will not change.

My sister also does not want to have a real connection to me and is very detached and indifferent to me. She cut me off from her life and her family's life. I only get to talk to her children if I ask to be invited to her house for their birthdays. She has alienated me from our extended cousins on both our parents' families by campaigning against me.

As a result, no one has any interest in staying connected to me through social media or even email. Today, a friend of our mother's and I chatted on the phone randomly b/c I check my mother's FB account to update her friends and former colleagues of her welfare since she is in a nursing home.

Her best friend of 50 years reached out to my mom on FB so I responded and gave her my phone #. She was shocked when I updated her on the severed familial connections I have with my siblings. I know as a result, when she talks to my siblings about our phone conversation today, my siblings will no doubt retaliate with petty gossip about me.

My brother -- a religious zealot who posts about how great God is on his FB account -- physically abused me in our younger years. He and I have been estranged for years. When he tried to reach out through a cousin and my estranged sister to talk to me, I told them both to go to hell. Because neither my sister or cousin like me as both have alienated me from their own familial lives so I have zero contact with them already.

I told them to go to hell, b/c they tried to make me feel bad about their abuse of me. None of them have ever taken responsibility for their own actions against me and they have never apologized to me. Because they don't like or respect me. We're all in our middle-age years too. Much older than you and your sister.

When I told this to my mother's BF of 50 years, she just couldn't believe it. She is herself very religious. I'm a staunch Atheist so I despise religion as its an effective tool people use to hide behind, in order to avoid being held accountable for their own actions against other people.

My siblings "public narrative" or propaganda about our family that they post on their FB, isn't a true reflection of their non-existent relationship with me; it's just what they want people to see. And if those people want to believe my siblings poor opinion of me as being factual, well, I can't do anything about that as much as it may hurt my feelings.

The best advice I can give you to is to research alienated and estranged siblings online. There are so many articles and blogs and other forums that offer really therapeutic and helpful advice on how to transition and adjust to a sibling estrangement.

The worst you can do is to have expectations for her; that she has to meet you where you're at, as far as your expectations. That's the wrong approach. For her own reasons, she has alienated you.

You can reach out to find out the reasons why, but you may not be happy with her answers. And, if you respond defensively as if she's wrong to think or believe what she thinks or believes, you will never be able to repair that broken sibling relationship.

Also, do not involve your parents in this matter. They will not understand and as parents, will try to blame one of you for causing this rift, as they will be unwilling to accept any responsibility for any role they played in why you and your sister have become estranged. So, just leave them out of it.

Do not go to them for advice or emotional support as they will only blame you and offer you their judgmental biased opinions. This is a situation where you need to seek support outside of your family system.

I also want to add, if your family puts education above all else, and your sister dropped out, she is probably fearful that NONE of you (your parents or you her brother) will respect her for her own life choices as an adult. There are families who will single out the black sheep (the person who doesn't follow the family's preplanned guidelines for them) and shame and threaten them with family alienation if they don't comply to the family system's preplanned path for them.

If your parents are anti-gay and your sister is gay, she's probably hiding it. She's probably working 2 jobs to save so she can move out and get away from you three b/c she perceives her independence as being threatened by all of your expectations and judgments for her and against her. I don't know your family system dynamics, so this is all conjecture.

But as a black sheep myself, I did not follow my family system's path like my other siblings did and was shunned and shamed for it.

If you truly respect your sister and want a healthy relationship with her you will have to accept her for who she is. You will have to meet her where she's at. You cannot, as her brother, impose your belief system on her to shame her for her choices. That is not your right to do so.

She's probably pulled away from you and your parents because she feels alienated already. If she has dropped out of school, will your parents kick her out of their house? Will they threaten her? That could be one reason.

A college student named Jennifer Pan, hid her true life from her parents. They told her she had to become a doctor. She was more athletic than academic and was an ice skating champion.

She was going to participate in the olympics but a knee injury changed her life's trajectory. So, her parents gave her an ultimatum: you either go to school to become a doctor or a pharmacist, get straight A's and live at home, or you are cut off from us forever.

Jennifer's brother went to an ivy league school and got a degree in mechanical engineering. Jennifer dropped out of college, but forged her grades as straight A's because her parents demanded to see her grades.

She created a double life for herself; straight A pharmaceutical school student meanwhile she was living w/a drug dealer boyfriend and was not going to pharmaceutical school. Eventually, she snapped at 24 years old and her now-ex boyfriend gave her the phone # of two felonious convicts who she paid $2400 to kill her parents in a staged robbery.

She let them in the night of her parent's murder and they shot and killed her mother but the shots fired at her father kept him alive. Eventually, she was convicted and given a life sentence.

I'm not telling you that story to say that your sister is like Jennifer Pan. But, stories like hers are far too common.

If I were you, I'd leave your sister alone. If you really want to be a part of her life, you will need to become her ally by accepting her for who she really is, even if that means going against what your parents think of her. You'll have to lose the alliance of your parents for the alliance of your sister. Unless your parents are not that controlling and demanding of you and your sister's lives and want what is best for your sister. You'd have to give us more information about your family dynamics I guess to help us understand the whole family system dynamics.

Easiest solution: just let your sister live her life and accept that she doesn't want a sibling relationship with you and turn to other sources of blogs and articles for online information to help you deal with this situation.

Thank you for your comment, it explains the situation well. I’m sorry that you have had such a time of it with your sister.

I do and have been trying to rely on my parents as emotional support, though they would never confirm my opinions or beliefs about my sisters behaviour.

I did talk to my mother about this yesterday. I think she talked to my sister about it (after denying my opinions) as her attitude changed. I don’t know if that’s confirmation that things aren’t as bad as I thought.

I’m not sure? I suppose I need to have confirmation from her. Perhaps she just wants peace and to be left alone? As odd as that sounds, I don’t know the answer despite living under the same roof as her.

But yes, I do and did feel that she is indifferent to me. As in she does not care for a sibling relationship with me and is not bothered by that. That is more hurtful and painful than being disliked to me, as it indicates that she doesn’t think about me.

I suppose I could say that this family has always been important to me. I am close to my mother and worry about who I will have when she dies, so it’s important that I maintain strong or close relationships with my siblings.

To me, my sister seems to be indifferent to me or can only take me in small doses. That is the way it is. I don’t know if I contribute to that or if she just does not attach the same importance to it.

But I have noticed that some of my siblings are offended when I say that they have no interest in me. I’m not really sure why because it’s true??

I will look into your suggestion thank you.

I'm sorry to hear that your sister doesn't want a relationship with you anymore. Were you two ever close to each other? Did anything happen to make her pull away from you? As for not expressing interest in men, maybe she prefers to keep her feelings private? Or maybe she might be asexual? Is she a private person? It sounds like she might be a private person. I didn't share to many personal feelings with my younger sister or my family since they'd usually end up judging me or end up making fun of me. They didn't respect my privacy at all. My dad laughed when he read my diary and he'd try to tape record our phone conversations. My mom would try to spy on us a lot, ugh.

Did you and your family ever make her feel judged or stupid? Did you ever reveal a secret of hers? Don't feel to bad. I was never close to my younger sister. Things became worse as when we became adults. We're not both in our 40's and we haven't spoken to each other in over 4 years since our last fall out. She just snapped at me for a very stupid reason. Long story short, I don't trust her since she has been involved in a lot of shady stuff in the past including identity theft. Her b.f was at fault she said and it was all his idea and she didn't know what he was up to, but she suspected something. She was questioned but not arrested.

He got deported since he was an illegal alien. She has always been a jealous, fake, competitive and stuck up brat. She is ashamed of me since I have depression and anxiety. She has never really been that nice or supportive of me. She made fun of me growing up and be mean to me but nice to her friends.

Do your parents favor either or you? If so, then that could be part of the problem. My parents favor my sister since she kisses their butt. I don't. Maybe things will change in the future between you and your sister. You're both still young. Did you try talking to her and telling her how you feel? Maybe write her a note and slide it under her door. If she chooses to still ignore you, then it's her loss.

Ok, so I am a little bit offended at your remark. I am not homophobic.

I do not know if my sister is LGBT, how do I feel if she was? I would honestly be worried about her life because of the struggles that gay people face and how there is still a lot of homophobia about. I have wants and things I want her to achieve but if she doesn’t achieve them, well it’s her life and her life to live.

That’s true for her degree too. I believe she’s capable of graduating. I would be upset if she did not disclose her issues so that we could help.

Ugh you sound like my brother. I have spent my life basically trying to avoid telling my brother anything because he always has to move the conversation toward my being LGBT because I have high standards. I would never tell my brother about my flirtations or crushes because he would make fun of it and exaggeratedly tell the stories to strangers / families. When I was 16 I was set up on a date and I told my mom, she told him and then there was sooo much pressure and disappointment when things didn't work out. I had none of these expectations. Zero support. I realized I could never tell them anything.

My brother lacks all respect for me and thus I give him as little information as possible. I like my life and he sees my life a story fodder for his fun times. I failed at the personal life and excelled at career and he excelled at career and failed at a personal life. It is OBVIOUS if he chose to think about it with an ounce of compassion for his sister. I don't make fun of him and his inability to hold a job with strangers ...

I am not LGBT, I am just fat and have high standards. I can't get what I want so I opt out.

I find so many great women single primary because of poor choices out there. My brother has never once attempted to find a guy for me or set me up. He prefers the LGBT story so he can "pretend" to care about me but not really. He has even hindered my relationships as I would never want to expose anyone to him and he made sure I was the person to care for my parents when he was out dating. Not easy to date and take care of elderly parents.

I bet strongly she feels you would make fun of whatever the situation is...

I have to go for a colonoscopy on Tuesday and I would LOVE to have a brother drive me but he has made it known that he resents that I am not married so that my husband can do it and he enjoys messing with me if I am out or high or anything.. so little wonder I won't be calling him and I would prefer to pass from Colon cancer than ask him to do anything for me.

Excuse me? How dare you? When did I ever day that I would not support my sister?

I said I was concerned for her because of the country I live in. You are a very naive person if you think that gay people are accepted by everyone in this world.

Was your relationship with her OK overall before this? If you think you could have a conversation with your sister, and you had a good relationship with her, then maybe you should ask her what is going on. She may appreciate it to know that you care. If she doesn’t want to open up, then she will let you know, whether it is about university or being LGBTQ or whatever reason, but at least she would know you care and she may open up later. My sister and I don’t have a typical sibling relationship. She abused me all my life and I try to have as little as possible with her. In our case, we cannot have a normal conversation as I am in a fight or flight (more flight than fight) mode and she thinks she is my boss. Hopefully yours is better and you can tell her you care.

My sister did the same thing to me, she made some excuse about it being because i was supposed to do something for her daughter, my niece and i didnt.. Its not that i do not want to do it its that its not time to do it yet, and i need funds. £300 is not a lot of money, trust me i burn that fast. Although i plan on surprising them in Jan 2021. I know that something very serious happened and i was accused for doing something i didnt do. It caused a rift between me and my sister, because of her daughter. I still love them unconditionally and care about them.

Just show love for your sibling if you surprise her by being thoughtful and caring and concerned even when she doesnt deserve it, what will that say about you. She is family and will always be, so keep caring about her.

It sounds to me like you're making a lot of assumptions about her and discrediting her need for privacy. In fact, you're coming off judgmental in this post, IMO.

There's always a reason why we behave in certain ways. You're just not in the "know" about her reasons and likely because you've always had a turbulent relationship with her. I'm sure there are many reasons why she's resenting you and has taken you out of her life.. even temporarily. What role have you played in this?

Give her the space. You don't know what's going on. She may be working overtime to save up for a mortgage or a place of her own. Maybe she's in an unhealthy relationship. Maybe she's in a happy place and can't share that happiness with you because of your history. Don't guess. She's cut you out because of your behaviours or the unhealthy relationship you both have with each other.

LGBT or not, is irrelevant, unless she feels you will judge her. The fact that she has a transgender friend does not mean she's gay.

I bolded your post where I felt you were projecting your own negativity.

You have to work on patching things up with her, you will both need each other in the future. Make the first moves if you need to, but all the best.