Trust issues with my husband - please help

I've been cheated on several times in past relationships.

In the last relationship before my husband that was important to me, my partner started chatting and flirting with another woman outside our relationship. I caught him and it was over. I was completely devastated for a very long time after that. I worried I had pushed him away and into the arms of another woman - so to speak.

Well, my husband has broken my trust in a couple different ways, and I am having a really hard time trusting him. The biggest issue and fear I face is that he lie and will cheat on me, like the others did.

There's nothing he's done that points to this possibility, however.

But because he's broken a couple promises and because he hasn't been fully truthful with me on a few occasions,, I fear the worst, and all my trust goes out the window.

In the last relationship, my partner told me repeatedly that he would NEVER cheat - then he did (pretty much, in my mind at least - to me, it was emotional cheating).

And, just like him, my husband PROMISES he would NEVER ever ever cheat on me.

But the way I think is: if my husband can break promises AND lie to me, what other promises will he break and what else will he lie to me about?

How do I get over my trust issues and extreme insecurity? I'm already in therapy.

Sometimes people withhold the truth because they don’t want to hurt the other person. But it depends on what truth exactly you’re referring to. Are you able to give us some examples? As for not living up to promises that in itself isn’t necessarily an indication that he will cheat, just that he couldn’t keep site of his goals.

My ex husband cheated. Signs? He would outright lie about where he was and what he was doing. He became very secretive. Passcode locks on every single one of his devices. Going out random hours. Text messages during the evening. Wedding ring suddenly fell off in the swimming pool but I found it in the car. I could give so many examples here and yes it sucks if you’ve been through it in the past.

Oh dear - no my husband doesn’t do anything like what you described.. I really have no reason to think he would cheat because he doesn’t seem like he would and shows no signs of it.

To detail where he’s withheld the truth would take me some time and I’m typing on my phone which is harder. It’s been little things - omissions of the full truth let’s say.

I think it’s my own fears combined with my past and the broken promises/ half truths by my husband.

I think you’re right. I honestly couldn’t pick up much in your post to suggest he’s cheating!

Yes, and the problem is all in my head. I don't know how to get past my fear that he will.

It's my own trust issues because I've been cheated on several times in the past. My husband in some ways reminds me of my last ex, and my last ex cheated, so I worry that he will too.

This is what he’s lied about:

He lied once about a woman hitting on him. Or he omitted an important element of the story that clearly indicated she was hitting on him, which he initially tried to deny.

He lied about not cheating on his ex wife when they were living in separate bedrooms for two years. He made out with another woman during this period of time, yet had told me REPEATEDLY that he never cheated. He later claimed that he had forgotten all about this kiss and didn’t consider it cheating even though he also almost slept with this woman.

He also took my credit card and used it without asking me if he could. I found out through an email notification that he used it. He had permission from me to use it just once, then he used it again the very next day without asking me if it was OK to use it a second time.

Then he's broken a promise that he made before we got married, telling me that he would never ever yell at me again, and he has yelled at me - many many times. So he broke that promise.

So, I have a hard time trusting him, but he gets angry every single time I question him on anything.

Like this past weekend, he blew up at me over questions I had of him asking mainly about his level of fidelity. He got really frustrated with me and blew up in anger... it reminded me of his past rages. He yelled, do I have to deal with this for the next 50 years?!?

I later told him that he needs to earn my trust - that he's broken my trust in a few ways, and that he has to now deal with it and earn it back.

I also told him point blank: when we first met, you told me what a wonderful, loving, caring and sweet person you are, and you promised you would NEVER ever hurt me, then you abused me for the first year and a half of our marriage!!

So the trust issues on my end are due to partly me and partly him.

For me, a lot of it is in my head, imagining the worst.

I don't see how the trust issues are "partly you." He broke your trust. The trust issues are about HIM and what he did.

Thank you.

What it's doing to me is making me mistrustful of nearly everything he says and does. I am coloring everything with mistrust.

Oh @Have Hope this is really tough and I want to validate you and your feelings. On one hand your trust issues stem from real experiences and that makes them relevant. On the other hand maybe he feels like because he hasn’t cheated you should know that he won’t. But experiences shape us. Whether or not you should just trust him isn’t the issue. The issue is he still is deceitful about certain things which triggers you understandably so, into worrying that these “tame” instances are indicative of a bigger problem.

Thank you Sarah.

Yes.... though he has not been dishonest with me in a long time. The real issue is that HE has been dishonest in the first place, which triggers me into thinking he will be dishonest about other things, including fidelity.

And I am somewhat projecting onto my husband the traits of my ex. They mirror each other in a few ways. But my ex was more like a pathological liar. He, too, promised me he would NEVER cheat. We had multiple conversations about that topic. Then what happens? He cheated on me in the end and betrayed me.

And now, I see a similar pattern with my husband, who is not a pathological liar, but who has omitted the full truth of the matter in several conversations, which makes me mistrust him, and therefore believe HE too may cheat on me - also because he's made other promises and has broken those.

Maybe i'm just far too damaged to be married or in any relationship. I am very damaged from my past, and it's effecting my present.

I just spoke with my therapist.

I have to figure out if I can allow myself to trust my husband when he has been dishonest with me on a few occasions.

One occasion, I can pretty much overlook (ie, the woman hitting on him).

Another? The credit card issue? I don't know if I can move past it and trust him. To me, that was a pretty sneaky thing to do behind my back. And if he can be sneaky in that way, what other ways will he be sneaky behind my back? It's a question of character.

And the third instance? REPEATEDLY telling me he NEVER cheated on his ex wife when he in fact DID kiss another woman? That's pretty questionable to me.

He claims that he didn't think kissing was cheating, AND that he had forgotten all about it.

I am not exactly buying his story, especially when he claims he knew after that this that his marriage was over.

I am also now uncertain about whether he lied about when and where this occurred - I could have sworn he said it was at a camping festival where he kissed this woman, then later he told me it was at a barmixtzfah.

So there are remaining questions on this last one -- did he lie, and then cover up his initial lie with more lies?

So, I have to figure out whether I can move past these few instances and move forward with trust in him OR not.

And right now, I really don't know if I can move past it and trust him. I have not been able to fully trust him ever since these things occurred, and it's been a year.

To me these are red and yellow flags --- in my last relationship, I saw red flags, instances where I should not trust him, I decided to trust him (stupidly), then he turned out to be a liar and a cheater. I really don't want to make the same mistake TWICE.

What also concerns me with him? Every time my husband blows a fuse over my mistrust of him? He acts like "how dare you question my integrity!" When in fact, his integrity IS in question based on these past instances. Then he demands that I NEVER question him again.

And once when I asked why I was not a member of his close knit private Facebook group of friends? He blew a fuse over that, thinking I was accusing him of doing something secretive. I don't know -- could this be a matter of doth protest too much?

He seems to blow a fuse every single time I am questioning him. Which makes me even MORE suspicious of him.

There may be NO way for me to get past these first untruths with him. I may never be able to trust him again.

In which case, this may need to be over. And that is what I am pondering RIGHT NOW.

Looks like we are divorcing.

Oh no. How did this decision happen? What happened?

I got too drunk last night and made a huge stink and scene. I feel pushed over the edge.

He pretty much had gone into another rage on Sat morning. I had therapy yesterday, and a lot of my trust issues came up. I stewed all day over the mistrust I feel towards my husband, got way too drunk, then decided to end things with him.

Today is a different story. I am very hungover and am uncertain of what I've decided.

Looks like we're working through things. We still need a therapist.

I would find it hard to trust someone who kept lying and being secretive. And what with the yelling and defensiveness. So, your fears are understandable.

Despite our personal stories, our partners also give us reason to feel secure or doubtful. Your husband is not giving you reasons to trust him.

Good luck with therapy.

Thanks. There were three instances of dishonesty but it hasn’t been constant or a regular thing. I’m having trouble though trusting him based on the three instances.

We do need therapy.

I am feeling very guilty about my behavior the other night with my husband. I am seriously beating myself up.

Now I worry he is going to view me differently and treat me differently as a result of the other night's fiasco that I caused - I worry that I have been brought down a rung or three in his mind, and that now I am the bad guy.

That's the most drunk he's seen me - I was blackout drunk. Obviously, I need to steer clear of alcohol right now, but it was pretty bad and I really acted out.

Which points to my frame of mind right now. I am downward spiraling, between COVID, very tight finances, my unemployment status and our marital issues. It's far too much for me to deal with at once and I cracked under all the pressure and stress.

Last night, he pleasured me in the middle of the night waking me up, and because it was the middle of the night and I was super sleepy, I couldn't exactly reciprocate. He therefore called me "one-way sally" (in jest he says). It was mean and I didn't appreciate it at all. Now I need to address this mean so-called "joke" with him. This is one of the things he used to do that was abusive.

I worry he will now slide backwards into old behaviors because I screwed up so badly the other night.

I am torn. A part of me wants to just divorce him and be alone. And another part of me wants to give him and our marriage a chance.

We just had it out over text just now. He seemed almost like he was backtracking regarding past abuse. I told him his joke last night was mean, and he apologized, but then said maybe we're not ready to move on and make up. I said if that's the case, then I want a formal separation - if you cannot forgive me for the other night, when i've dealt with 18 months of abuse from you and finally cracked, then we need to simply just separate.

So we talked it out and he later tells me he is not backtracking and that he is sorry for his mean comment.

Oh, I just don't know.

Life is SO hard right now and SUCH a challenge. I really did crack under all the pressure and stress. I have to have some compassion for myself and not beat myself up too much.

So sorry you are going through all this, sounds beyond stressful. These are the hardest decisions. Are you able to get any space from your husband, to think things through? Could you stay somewhere else for a while?
I thought this might have helped my marriage, but was told point blank that it was over if I wasn't home every night. Your story about the bank card triggered me a little, as this is something that happened early on in my abusive relationship, and was explained away, but never sat right. I wondered later on how much he had been testing the waters...seeing what he could get away with. Really don't beat yourself up.
As you say, there are red and yellow flags, and it's a big decision, but also, have you considered what things you really DO want, and should expect to have in a marriage? I am sorry to say that it doesn't sound like you're being cherished. It sounds like you're putting an awful lot of work in, and getting little back, other placation and excuses, and if his favours demand reciprocation...then I wouldn't class them as favours, sounds more like coercion. Do correct me if I'm wrong. I am sure he is giving you a million reasons not to leave him, but you don't need a single good reason to stay or leave, and do not have to prove yourself or explain your decision to anyone. It might seem impossible to make a decision, but you are clearly giving this all a good amount of consideration, and whatever you feel you need to do, and decide to do, that's perfectly valid. Sending heaps of hope and well wishes

Thank you sooooo much for your post and for your caring and thoughtful words. Truly appreciated.

He's been pretty good over the last 3 months until just recently. There are many reasons for me to want to stay, and several reasons for me to want to leave.

Unfortunately, I am in no position to leave him (even if I wanted to) because I lost my job and am unemployed. Until I am employed again I don't even have a choice in the matter.

He does do a lot that shows he cherishes me in fact - and he shows me this on nearly a daily basis. I talk all about the bad things, but he does little things, like shower me with love and affection, he buys me flowers and says sweet nothings to me, or words showing his affections.

But there's no denying that he was abusive for the first 18 months of our marriage. He is working on improving all of these behaviors that I laid out to him, a couple of which reared again this past weekend and week.

So I really do not know what's going to happen right now. When I get really angry at him, I want a divorce. Then I back down because I get scared and I fear I don't really want a divorce. Hence, the internal conflicted emotions.

The credit card issue really bothered me. It hasn't happened since then.

And the fact of the matter is: I am currently stuck. I have got to get a job, which places even more pressure on myself.

I cant remember are you in therapy together?

Not yet. I had to change insurance companies twice recently so that has influenced us. We need to find one and soon.

What is wrong with him? He wakes you up in the middle of the night to get some sex from you? Sure he did some stuff too but it sounds like his expectation was that you have to do the same even though it’s middle of the night. And you are woken up. What’s his deal? He sounds immature.

Do you think you consume alcohol to help you deal with his inconsistent behaviors and all this drama? It’s not uncommon. It sounds stressful

I don’t think you not trusting him is just your issue. Whenever I didn't trust someone, I was always right about them: they weren’t trustworthy. I have no trust issues trusting trustworthy people. I suspect you’d trust trustworthy people too. I don’t think he’ll cheat but he doesn’t sound like a person you can rely on in life with 100% certainty. That’s maybe why your gut feelings tell you not to trust him