I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

They were ok?. “Ok next time make your own brownies”. So critical....

LOL I remember blasting my partner for doing this. We go out of our way to make something for others.. the money and effort.. and we get a shrug and, "It was ok".. really?!

I know right??

He tried to make up for it later. Didn’t matter. The comment was made.

This reminds me of a maternal unit

Last night I almost ended it. I tried to at least. I let loose on him over his comment on the brownies. My reaction was over the top strong for the context, yet it has been building from other prior comments. I told him I want a divorce. I told him how I don't think he loves me and that he's just using me as a bank account. We got into it a bit, and I also said he hasn't changed since our conversation about divorce in July. Of course in this conversation, he threw in my face that I had called the police.

Bottom line is: I am not ready, my ducks are not in a row, I don't even have a job yet, so I let him talk me out of it. And he did talk me down, telling me he DOES love me, etc.

Such BS. If he loved me, he wouldn't treat me the way he does.

I have my 1st therapy appt this morning with the new therapist.

My new therapist is great!!! I am very pleased that I found him.

His tactic for how I endure this marriage until I can leave: one tactic he gave me was to give my husband ZERO credibility in what he says to me. ZERO. Most especially with the negative comments he makes towards me.

This should help.

I feel SO dependent on him right now to pay half the rent. I wish I could kick him out right now. Last night when I tried to end the marriage, he offered that I be the one to move out. And I said I would take all the furniture then which is MINE.

I suspect through the divorce that he will try to get half of my furniture. I want to fight to keep it all since it's all MINE. I need a good lawyer.

I feel sick to my stomach over all of this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by guy1111 Pot will stunt your maturity. This is a fact. This may be why he is stuck in the past with video game all-nighters, etc. I think you mentioned before that he smokes. I apologize if I am wrong about that.

I am not saying @Have Hope's husband doesnt have a problem with pot but I am a medical MJ patient and am not stunted.

I'm starting to get scared again. Scared of being alone. I don't have a huge group of friends. I have a larger shared network of friends that is mutual with my husband. We share a social circle. I worry about what's going to happen to that shared social circle once we do finally separate and divorce, and what will happen to ME. I am scared..... it hits me once and a while, and what I usually do is bury it so that I don't worry about it right now since it's not what's right in front of me.

What's most important is getting out an an abusive marriage, and worrying about the aftermath later. At least that's how I see it. I don't want my fears of being alone to stop me from leaving my husband.

He can’t function without getting high. That makes him an addict and regular excessive smoking pot effects ones brain functions same way as regular and excessive alcohol consumption. It’s a known fact. He couldn’t stay sober on his own wedding day and had to score drugs. So it’s not medicinal or occasional use

So I am sure it’s different from your situation.

You can make new friends. I’ve met ton on meetup. Don’t have to be alone. Things are crazy during covid but under normal circumstances you can be out and about every weekend if you want to.

Oh yes, he is an addict. It's not just for medicinal purposes, as he claims. He smokes as soon as he wakes up and all day Sat and Sun. He smokes all night long, as soon as he gets home. He used to smoke during work hours, but stopped. And when he didn't have weed for a day and a half on our honeymoon? He went bezeerk. He was moody and most difficult to be around. He went on a mission to find weed. So he has a drug addiction.

I admit it -- throughout my life, I've leaned on relationships and men to resolve loneliness and/or a sense of emptiness in my life.

That was...... up until NOW.

I want to change this pattern about myself. Sure, I've been single for periods of time - I think my longest stretch was eight months, which is not very long.

Typically, after a breakup? I was in a new relationship within three months. I have trouble being alone. Yet I know that being alone and single can be very fulfilling. I know this from other people.

I have several close friends who are older than me and still single. I can lean on them. I can nurture new friendships. I could join hiking groups, once COVID is passed (whenever that is). I know I can do any number of things to fill up my life. But my history is that I've filled up my life by entering a new relationship. And that's usually because I've been going through something difficult, so I look to a relationship to help me through that difficult period.

I'm just being honest about myself in order to make some very necessary and important changes. And I need help with this.

I need to change my patterns. I need to change how I am. I need to fill up my life with activities I enjoy and meet other people.

How can I be both independent and dependent at the same time? I am very independent and am very free spirited. Then again, I can't stay clear of getting entangled in relationships. DOH!

From what you said before I think this is a good idea and also you can spend this time very wisely. You pretty much described yourself as a narcissist magnet, so meeting new people can improve your skills of recognizing such individuals in the future and that can protect your from them.

PS. I must say I feel a little bit uncomfortable and yet intrigued replying to your messages knowing I'm one of the people you try to stay away from

I AM a narcissist magnet! SIX of them!!!! In a row!!!!!! Who's ever heard of such a string?

Go figure - my dad is one. I never learned any better.... until now. I am resolved to freaking address my problems so that I can get better, healthier and find healthy relationships instead of this toxic mess I keep finding myself in.

My new therapist I can already tell will be a huge part of this process for me.

It is ironic that you reply to my posts, but I do appreciate your posts at the same time. I also know you're in recovery and are trying to work on your own issues. That takes a lot of courage to truly be genuine in the therapy process, to look at oneself deeply and to see what needs improvement. And I am not saying it to boost your ego. It's rare that a diagnosed narcissist wants to actually work on themselves.... so it's something rare and to be applauded. Most say "there's nothing wrong with ME. It's everyone else!". So, I applaud you for wanting to make improvements. That's always admirable in anyone.

You might be independent in a sense of paying your own bills but dependent in emotional sense.

It’s normal to want a relationship. But it’s advisable to take a break. My former therapist advised no dating for a minimum of a year after unhealthy relationships. She also advised to stay very busy to avoid temptation to start dating out of boredom

That's a good distinction thank you! It helps me to actually make that distinction.

I aim to take a very long break after this is over.

I need the strength, the fortitude and the courage to get through this. I have it all within me. And i must once again, muster the strength.

You will

I'm sending love and positive energy

Thanks so much @Fuzzybear... I need both!!!

My anxiety is through the roof. The night I blacked out and called the police on my husband? I had called my sister that night to tell her I was scared of him because he had gone into another rage. He keeps throwing it in my face that I called the police. What he doesn't acknowledge is that I was scared of him that night, and I told him this the other night.

I didn't get to discuss this yet with my new therapist. My next appt is not until next Thursday. I wish I could have therapy 2-3 times a week. That's how much I feel I need it right now, but I cannot afford all the co-pays.

Even though things are calm and smooth right now between us, I feel the oppression and abuse floating in the air around me. It's smothering me.

I am practically in a panic over leaving him, and I don't understand why. Am I afraid he'll retaliate? Am I afraid of a smear campaign? Am I afraid he will fight me in order to split up equally ALL MY furniture that I want to keep? I think it's all of the above. The mixture of emotions is powerful. All I know is my anxiety is strong each and every day.

I agree with you. I should clarify. Generally, if you started smoking pot daily to maintain your mental and emotional stability at, say, 14 and you continued your habit, you will always have roughly the maturity of a 14 year old. It isn't something I am saying to be mean. I don't think marijuana is inherently bad. I'm just trying to give some insight so people can have sympathy and understanding for others' conditions.