I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

do NOT use his lawyer, and yes he will try to change your mind. Stay strong, I know how hard that is.xo

Thank you.

I have been through FAR too much in my life. Far too much. I am exhausted.

It's hard to fully trust him because he has been dishonest on several occasions. He has sworn to me that he would never ever cheat on me. He claims it's not in his DNA.... that it's not who he is. But because I've been told the same exact things by another ex who did cheat on me in the end, it's hard for me to fully trust him. So my mistrust is partially due to my own past, and partially due to my husband's own level of dishonesty with me.

I'm going to set my therapist straight. I do not like that he assumes he will cheat. And since I aim to leave my husband anyways, it's not the most important issue right now. Exiting from my marriage somehow is the most important issue. Nonetheless, IF he DID cheat on me and regardless of how I feel towards him, I would feel most betrayed AND devastated. Cheating hurts, especially when someone claims they love you SOOOOO much, just as my ex claimed, and just as my husband claims.

I guess when we married I took a leap of faith. I thought perhaps it could work, but I had strong doubts and a nagging feeling in my gut. I knew my gut was telling me not to marry him. But I really wasn't ready or willing to deal with another failed engagement at that point in my life. I had one failed engagement just prior to meeting my husband. And that had devastated me. It wasn't the best decision I made to marry him, but I no longer am beating myself up over it.

And thank you...

Agreed! I will not use his lawyer. I need to get my own.

And yes, he's trying now to change my mind. It IS very hard. But my feelings towards him are changing and not for the better.

I can't imagine having any trust in someone who had accused me of assaulting them, and lyed about discussions with police. To me that is threatening and controlling, and seems like you're being baited and punished. I wouldn't trust that person to have integrity in other areas, or to stick by their vows. I can understand how and why this is all so difficult, but can't honestly understand how you can trust your husband's word about anything. I think what your therapist said might have been harsh, but also would say it's safer to assume he is cheating, than to assume he isn't. Just hope you can stay safe, and get a safe distance, physically, mentally and emotionally

@KBMK,

I do not know whether he lied about what was said to the police. The police simply told me they had no record of my husband being asked if he wanted me arrested. That does not necessarily mean my husband lied about this. I blacked out. He claims I tried to grab his phone from him.

I know my husband is not cheating. He is with me constantly. Please don't assume he is. That is very triggering for me! There is zero evidence of it - it's only my fears talking.

I only fear that could happen in the future because of my own trust issues and because he's been dishonest previously. He promises and swears he never would. I will divorce him before that could even happen down the road, though, IF it were to ever happen.

However, that being said, I do have trouble trusting my husband on much these days. He told me he could toss me out of the apartment the other day when I said I wanted to divorce him, which is not true. My name is on the lease. He cannot throw me out.

I am very much struggling. He's trying to "win" me over again by being all nice, sweet and loving. I'm not feeding into it and I am not buying it. He thinks he can change my mind from a divorce and that I will fall back in love with him. No chance at that.

I am safe for the time being. Thanks.

I don't get it. The other night when I (again) announced I wish to divorce, I also told him that he would have to change his entire personality in order for me to be with him.

We also talked about who would move out, and it was determined that I would have to move and he would stay in the apartment.

Ever since then, he has been bending over backwards trying to please me. He's being mr. nice and mr. sweet.

What bothers me about this is I believe he desperately doesn't wish to lose everything that he has with me, ie, all the physical things and benefits involved in being married to me.

He has a fully furnished apartment because of me, and he has strong credit he can rely on with me. Without my credit and help, he cannot even get his own apartment. All apt owners where we live run credit checks, and with a bankruptcy, he's screwed in terms of being able to get his own place.

And if I leave, I leave with all my furniture and belongings, which would empty the apartment out completely except for a couple of TVs, a broken bed and an empty fish tank. He would have nothing except for a very large empty apartment that he would have to pay the full rent on.

It makes it even worse to think and feel that he's being disingenuous right now, trying to hold onto me for these reasons.

I feel it's all fake.

My marriage sounds exactly like this. Literally, down to the concept that, well, I've already paid for the honeymoon, might as well.. lol.
(10 years divorced now, and much happier)

I'm so glad you're much happier now. That gives me some amount of hope!

My abuse hotline shut down???????????? I cannot call them anymore???????

I am talking to an online advisor right now. She tells me I am also dealing with physical abuse because he holds me down in bed against my will and I struggle to get up.

I already knew this, but it's most sobering, nonetheless.

If you can get away from someone who's abusive, you will *ALWAYS* be happier after. Imagine you're swimming and you have someone who's always trying to duck your head down. If you can get away from them you still might find snapping turtles, you still might get tired, you still might have the sun in your eyes, etc - but hot darn, at least you don't have anyone trying to duck you under! LOL! We do have a child together so I do still have to deal with his sorry behind every once in a while but yes, I'm soooo much happier out of that mess. And it wasn't horrific either - no black eyes or anything, just the constant weight of oppressive control/judgement/crapping on everything I wanted or liked or enjoyed. UGH! LOL

Thank u for sharing this info! It's very inspiring to read and hear. I feel very oppressed too.... it's terrible. And now he's being mr nice guy on his best behavior trying to win me over again.

Typical abusive pattern - trying to restart the 'honeymoon' phase. You can't break his cycle - you can only break your cycle. You can't change what he does or is going to do, you can only change how you react to it. I know it's hard, but it's a very rewarding decision once you escape the environment. Do you have moral support close by? A friend who can help you move, etc?

Soo true. I do have support through friends, family, a local domestic abuse center, on here, and through individual therapy. So, yes, I do have a support system in place, thankfully!

A good friend says he can help me to move.

This is an excellent analogy. I used to always say it was like having my shins kicked. You know when someone wants you down a peg, and you can't fix that with words. I hope you get out @HaveHope , and hope that nobody holds you down again (against your will )

The last person I saw said I had a strong left hook (I was being spiteful...not ready for real intimacy, and when he'd say romantic things I would back off or have a bit of a rant about "getting real, and taking responsibility"). I'm sure it wasn't nice for him, and I'm sorry I was like that, but we got to be honest with each other and parted on good terms.
Sorry you have to deal with him, still @ToughCookie ,but awesome that you're out of the crap, and that it didn't turn into a horrific nightmare.

When it's really bad it's like someone breaking your legs then "having" to carry you, then you have to get out their hold and crawl away.
Can not be safe and vulnerable with people that need the control and advantage, and can't always help becoming vulnerable, unfortunately.

Hard not to internalise that stuff as well, and be down on yourself. Just remember @HaveHope , you didn't ask for any of this, and your husband's actions are not a reflection on your own worth at all. You've really got to go easy on yourself, and keep hope for your own future

He does physically hold me down in bed against my will. I struggle to get up and have to be firm with him so that he releases his grip on me.

I have not come to terms yet with the fact that I am also being physically abused along with the rest.

And thank you.

I know his treatment of me is not a reflection on ME, but rather it's a reflection on HIM.

I just regret sorely the day I met him. I was very vulnerable and weakened from a prior broken engagement with another abuser.

The madness must end... .and SOON.

Yes holding people down against their will is physical abuse. It’s also very unusual behavior. I’ve never met a man who’d do that and I’ve met quite a few.

He needs you to maintain life style he wants. I find it weird he wants you to move when he can’t even pay rent alone. What does he need large place by himself for?

I actually had another abuser do the same thing to me. He would hold me and grab me against my will.

My husband cannot get another apartment, like I explained earlier, due to his poor credit. All apt owners here require credit checks, even for short term, furnished transitional apartments. I have to be the one to leave. I could care less about how he figures he can afford the rent... unless I am required by my lease to find a replacement if I leave before the lease ends.

What I care about is ME, MY solutions, and what I am going to do. I could care less about HIM.

I was just thinking that you don’t have to agree on moving out. Who cares if he can’t get another apartment. His parents could co sign. But it’s neither here nor there. I just don’t want you to worry about his needs or abilities. He’ll figure it out

Holding or grabbing anyone against their will is unacceptable. And one time is too many.

He's digging in his heels, so what can I do? I haven't filed for divorce yet, and I cannot kick him out. If he refuses to leave when it comes time to file, then I am forced to be the one to leave. It may be best that way anyways, because then I can truly get a fresh start.

It is unacceptable behavior (to hold me down). I am appalled by it. This morning I ripped myself free.

I took out a bank loan last week in a panic after I had told my husband I want a divorce. It's nearly 14K that I took out.

Now that I am not going to file right away for divorce (until I have a job - back to the original plan), I need to return the whole loan back to the bank.

I just hope in doing so, that I will be eligible for a new loan when it actually comes time for me to leave and move out. I am assuming I will need this money... just not now.

He's totally love bombing me lately, and I want to puke. I feel SO ill to my stomach. Every fibre in my being wants to leave this relationship...... I am getting sick. NOT physically. I am really becoming sick.

Ask a bank if it’s ok to return it? It might be ok.

She's now looking into whether I can both return it AND apply for a new loan within a few months, when I really need it.

Wish I hadn't done that. It was a knee jerk reaction that turned out to be premature.

I went into his iPhone watch because I am suspicious. Yes, I know this is wrong to do, so please don't flog me for that.

I found texts from his ex wife. He told me (supposedly) that he had flat out asked her not to text him anymore. This is the ex that asked him twice to come over to fix her TV, even after we were married. Well, I found a text initiated by HER. He didn't tell me about this, and he knows he is supposed to inform me if she contacts him again. It's called respect. Well, he did not inform me, and he's kept this secret from me. The texts were innocent, and he kept his answers very short.

I am of the belief that she still wants him. She continues to initiate contact with him and find reasons to be in touch with him still. It's sooo inappropriate.

And I am also of the belief that he either never told her to stop messaging him, OR he is not telling me of her texts because he doesn't want to upset me further than I've already been.

Either way, he's a liar. This is PROOF of it.... more proof of it at least.

I will not confront him about this. It's just more evidence on top of a PILE of reasons for divorcing him. But I am angry about it.

I know this sounds pedantic, but he does things that he knows upset you to the point of needing to divorce, and to actually physically get out from under him, and fact check anything he tells you. I think it's more likely that he doesn't want to have to deal with you getting upset with him...if you see what I mean. It's not about you. You have more than enough reasons to be upset/angry. I know it's hard to move on