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  #326  
Old Nov 18, 2020, 04:26 PM
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Originally Posted by KBMK View Post
I know this sounds pedantic, but he does things that he knows upset you to the point of needing to divorce, and to actually physically get out from under him, and fact check anything he tells you. I think it's more likely that he doesn't want to have to deal with you getting upset with him...if you see what I mean. It's not about you. You have more than enough reasons to be upset/angry. I know it's hard to move on
Thank you for your reply and for the validation.

I can't actually move on until I am officially separated from him. We're not separated and I am still involved, though it's all an act on my part. I am playing this ridiculous game until I am empowered to tell him that I want a divorce, here are the divorce papers, and I am moving out. Period. I am crying wolf until then if I mention divorce again.

But yes, I am angry about this. He could have lied to me outright, and he may never have told her not to text him, since she still IS. I will never know. Either he lied and never told her this, or she violated his request.

My best girlfriend says to not say a word since I'm out the door anyways. I'm trying to emotionally separate from the whole situation.
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  #327  
Old Nov 18, 2020, 05:13 PM
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I'm now drinking every day in order to cope. I am really going downhill. Coping with an abusive marriage without being able to leave and without being empowered in any way right now is making me self destruct and downward spiral. I don't even care. It's my coping mechanism. It numbs me, and it's helping me to deal. Then I pass out as early as possible so that I don't have to converse much with my husband.

I need SOMETHING to give.... this is becoming impossible for me to sustain much longer.

I am praying every single day for a solution.. for a job.. for a speedy exit from my marriage.

I really cannot deal anymore with any of this.
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  #328  
Old Nov 19, 2020, 03:34 AM
RockyRoad007 RockyRoad007 is offline
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
I took out a bank loan last week in a panic after I had told my husband I want a divorce. It's nearly 14K that I took out.

Now that I am not going to file right away for divorce (until I have a job - back to the original plan), I need to return the whole loan back to the bank.

I just hope in doing so, that I will be eligible for a new loan when it actually comes time for me to leave and move out. I am assuming I will need this money... just not now.

A line of credit might be more appropriate than a loan. You can use it when and as much as you need or want.
I have a $15000 line of credit that sits at a great big fat 0.00. Had it for about 6 months, but have never used it. Just nice to know it's there for me should I need it.
My bank had an online notice for me every time I did online banking that I was pre-approved for $15000, so one time I just selected it.

You can use it all, pay it off, and use it again down the road. It is just credit always there for you. You would basically never need to apply for a loan again, just use your line of credit when needed.

Probably only best for those who don't abuse credit. I've known people who only pay interest, and never bother paying down the principle because they don't have to. You must be disciplined to pay it off.
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  #329  
Old Nov 19, 2020, 06:37 AM
KBMK KBMK is offline
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
I'm now drinking every day in order to cope. I am really going downhill. Coping with an abusive marriage without being able to leave and without being empowered in any way right now is making me self destruct and downward spiral. I don't even care. It's my coping mechanism. It numbs me, and it's helping me to deal. Then I pass out as early as possible so that I don't have to converse much with my husband.

I need SOMETHING to give.... this is becoming impossible for me to sustain much longer.

I am praying every single day for a solution.. for a job.. for a speedy exit from my marriage.

I really cannot deal anymore with any of this.
Is there anywhere you could stay as a temporary measure? I know that staying put seems like the best option financially and for other reasons, but I do believe that any prolonged distance from your abuser will allow you to start feeling better, get your strength up ect.
You wouldn't even have to officiate your separation, as you might just need some space from your husband (though, I do think that the way he has acted shows his lack of commitment to your marriage, and I think abuser is a better word for him than husband).
Bearing in mind how much he has hindered you so far, is staying really is your only opinion?
I think as long as you stay you will have to work really hard on your relationship, in terms of boundaries and asserting yourself, to get anywhere. That's a load of painful difficult work. I hope that makes sense.
Either way, go really easy on yourself. It's a really crazy situation, really hard work, but you will get out of this situation. Everything changes
  #330  
Old Nov 19, 2020, 06:54 AM
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Originally Posted by RockyRoad007 View Post
A line of credit might be more appropriate than a loan. You can use it when and as much as you need or want.
I have a $15000 line of credit that sits at a great big fat 0.00. Had it for about 6 months, but have never used it. Just nice to know it's there for me should I need it.
My bank had an online notice for me every time I did online banking that I was pre-approved for $15000, so one time I just selected it.

You can use it all, pay it off, and use it again down the road. It is just credit always there for you. You would basically never need to apply for a loan again, just use your line of credit when needed.

Probably only best for those who don't abuse credit. I've known people who only pay interest, and never bother paying down the principle because they don't have to. You must be disciplined to pay it off.
Thanks, although I already took out a bank loan. Now I am trying to see if I can return it in full and apply again in a few months. The bank rep told me there may be a 90-day period where I cannot apply again. I truly hope not.
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  #331  
Old Nov 19, 2020, 06:58 AM
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Originally Posted by KBMK View Post
Is there anywhere you could stay as a temporary measure? I know that staying put seems like the best option financially and for other reasons, but I do believe that any prolonged distance from your abuser will allow you to start feeling better, get your strength up ect.
You wouldn't even have to officiate your separation, as you might just need some space from your husband (though, I do think that the way he has acted shows his lack of commitment to your marriage, and I think abuser is a better word for him than husband).
Bearing in mind how much he has hindered you so far, is staying really is your only opinion?
I think as long as you stay you will have to work really hard on your relationship, in terms of boundaries and asserting yourself, to get anywhere. That's a load of painful difficult work. I hope that makes sense.
Either way, go really easy on yourself. It's a really crazy situation, really hard work, but you will get out of this situation. Everything changes
I agree and I really wish there was somewhere I could go. The only option would be a women's domestic abuse shelter, and I cannot do that to myself. If I leave for a shelter, the abuse is out on the table, it's no longer an amicable divorce, and I lose everything I own that is valuable to me. Plus, who knows how long I could stay at a shelter.

I have a home, I am home alone during the daytime hours while he works, and it's very comfortable for me in that regard. I can search for and apply for jobs at my leisure.

I understand the desire to see me get out of this ASAP, but I just don't see how without a job.

It truly is a crazy situation that I cannot escape just yet.

Now, IF he were violent towards me and hit me ever, I would leave for a shelter in a heartbeat. I would have to take the risk of losing everything for the sake of my safety.
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  #332  
Old Nov 19, 2020, 07:05 AM
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I didn't snuggle with him before we slept because of the lie I discovered about his ex wife. I just couldn't bring myself to cuddle with him. I made up the excuse that I felt depressed, but he was puzzled and hurt. I couldn't help myself.

And now things are awkward between us. He knows something is wrong, but I am not being upfront. I will not let him know that I found out he secretly communicated with his ex on Monday.

And when I think about it, it truly was very innocent on his part (his portion of the texts). He was brief, and didn't seem very interested in conversing with her. He simply wished her well.

I am tending to think he didn't tell me simply so as not to upset me. Then again, he could have lied outright to me about allegedly telling her NOT to text him, in which case, he's an even bigger liar than I even knew.
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Last edited by Have Hope; Nov 19, 2020 at 07:33 AM.
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  #333  
Old Nov 19, 2020, 07:44 AM
KBMK KBMK is offline
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Take it easy I really hope you don't suffer any physical injury! I do think it's important to recognise how injurious his behaviour is in other ways, though. It's the impact it's had on you and your relationship that is so significant. I get you wanting to know whether your distrust is appropriate, with these messages, but has he actually given you good reasons to trust him (other than sweet talk)? If he kept giving you reasons to trust him, I don't think you'd be wanting out.
I'm not saying he's cheating, at all! Just that he has given you lots of actual reasons to believe that he is happy to deceive and exploit. And it's not just you. You made the point about the price switch thing. It's my experience that people who are happy to deceive and exploit others...if they think they've got you, and only then, they'll test whether they can make you complicit in their deception and exploitation of others, too. It's good that you have some comfort during the daytime
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  #334  
Old Nov 19, 2020, 07:46 AM
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What also bothers me about this lie I caught him in?

Not too long ago, he ranted and raved at me for minutes on end, raising his voice and defending his so-called "integrity". His stance is that I should trust him, and that the few instances of dishonesty occurred far in the past... that he has learned from his mistakes and promises to be honest.

And here he is again, being dishonest!! I can't trust him as far as I can throw him!

So it bothers me to no end that he gets SO angry and defends himself, going into a rage over it, when in fact, he continues to be dishonest with me. It's SO disconcerting.
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  #335  
Old Nov 19, 2020, 07:49 AM
Marie123 Marie123 is offline
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Abuse is about control, and he is angry because he is losing control over you.
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  #336  
Old Nov 19, 2020, 07:50 AM
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Originally Posted by KBMK View Post
Take it easy I really hope you don't suffer any physical injury! I do think it's important to recognise how injurious his behaviour is in other ways, though. It's the impact it's had on you and your relationship that is so significant. I get you wanting to know whether your distrust is appropriate, with these messages, but has he actually given you good reasons to trust him (other than sweet talk)? If he kept giving you reasons to trust him, I don't think you'd be wanting out.
I'm not saying he's cheating, at all! Just that he has given you lots of actual reasons to believe that he is happy to deceive and exploit. And it's not just you. You made the point about the price switch thing. It's my experience that people who are happy to deceive and exploit others...if they think they've got you, and only then, they'll test whether they can make you complicit in their deception and exploitation of others, too. It's good that you have some comfort during the daytime
He has given me very few reasons to trust him. He has been dishonest about more things than I have confronted him on.

He is just plain dishonest.

And yes, he tries to manipulate and sweet talk me into trusting him... even worse, he goes into an angry rage whenever I do not trust him.

He's a sick and disturbed individual. I really think he may be NPD. Something is not right with him. This is NOT normal behavior. I already knew this, but it feels like a personality disorder.
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  #337  
Old Nov 19, 2020, 07:51 AM
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Originally Posted by Marie123 View Post
Abuse is about control, and he is angry because he is losing control over you.
Yes, you are 100% correct.
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  #338  
Old Nov 19, 2020, 08:08 AM
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The more I sit with this recent lie, the more furious I become.

I really want to SLAP him HARD across the face and kick him HARD in the groin. And I am NOT a violent person...

How dare he defend himself SO adamantly, while continuing to LIE to me and DECEIVE me.

I truly hate him right now.

And I bet this is all because he is enjoying the attention he is getting from his ex, who clearly does still have the hots for him.
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  #339  
Old Nov 19, 2020, 08:20 AM
KBMK KBMK is offline
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He has given me very few reasons to trust him. He has been dishonest about more things than I have confronted him on.

He is just plain dishonest.

And yes, he tries to manipulate and sweet talk me into trusting him... even worse, he goes into an angry rage whenever I do not trust him.

He's a sick and disturbed individual. I really think he may be NPD. Something is not right with him. This is NOT normal behavior. I already knew this, but it feels like a personality disorder.
Yeah, it's definitely messed up! And I suppose the thing with NPD is that that's something that the affected person isn't going to accept or work on unless it's gets them into something really bad, and is totally unavoidable.
I talked to my ex about codependency at one point, and got an email (after our separation) about how he wished he had listened to me, because he'd got in trouble at work, and he realised it was because he was codependent, but all the other staff members were codependent too, and they had been bullying him...bla bla bla
It really was a "feel sorry for me...I'm using your words all mixed up load of nonesense"
Just much less convincing in writing and when you've heard it all before. Nightmare.
I do feel sorry for these people, cause they really don't get any satisfaction living like that. It makes a person ill. I do think they just missed out badly when they were kids too, but you can't help someone that doesn't want help
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  #340  
Old Nov 19, 2020, 08:21 AM
KBMK KBMK is offline
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The more I sit with this recent lie, the more furious I become.

I really want to SLAP him HARD across the face and kick him HARD in the groin. And I am NOT a violent person...

How dare he defend himself SO adamantly, while continuing to LIE to me and DECEIVE me.

I truly hate him right now.

And I bet this is all because he is enjoying the attention he is getting from his ex, who clearly does still have the hots for him.
That's quite a probable reason for it imo yuk
  #341  
Old Nov 19, 2020, 08:27 AM
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Yeah, it's definitely messed up! And I suppose the thing with NPD is that that's something that the affected person isn't going to accept or work on unless it's gets them into something really bad, and is totally unavoidable.
I talked to my ex about codependency at one point, and got an email (after our separation) about how he wished he had listened to me, because he'd got in trouble at work, and he realised it was because he was codependent, but all the other staff members were codependent too, and they had been bullying him...bla bla bla
It really was a "feel sorry for me...I'm using your words all mixed up load of nonesense"
Just much less convincing in writing and when you've heard it all before. Nightmare.
I do feel sorry for these people, cause they really don't get any satisfaction living like that. It makes a person ill. I do think they just missed out badly when they were kids too, but you can't help someone that doesn't want help
Once I divorce him, separate myself physically and emotionally from him, and heal myself from the damage he has caused? Perhaps then I will feel sorry for this malignant f-ing abusive man-child who continues to lie to me and deceive me.

But right now? NO WAY..... I am SEETHING with anger and rage towards him. I hate him with every fibre in my being right now. I want to kick him to the curb, with a suitcase in hand and nothing else.

My anger is deep. He has been doing this for a long time now, ie, trying to pull the wool over my eyes about what a "great" guy he is. He is a SCUM.

I have got to figure out a solution.

I emailed a recruiter last night about possible contract work.
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  #342  
Old Nov 19, 2020, 08:40 AM
KBMK KBMK is offline
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Once I divorce him, separate myself physically and emotionally from him, and heal myself from the damage he has caused? Perhaps then I will feel sorry for this malignant f-ing abusive man-child who continues to lie to me and deceive me.

But right now? NO WAY..... I am SEETHING with anger and rage towards him. I hate him with every fibre in my being right now. I want to kick him to the curb, with a suitcase in hand and nothing else.

My anger is deep. He has been doing this for a long time now, ie, trying to pull the wool over my eyes about what a "great" guy he is. He is a SCUM.

I have got to figure out a solution.

I emailed a recruiter last night about possible contract work.
Yeah, totally get that. It's only right you're fired up about it! Massive luck with the job search!
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  #343  
Old Nov 19, 2020, 09:53 AM
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Yeah, totally get that. It's only right you're fired up about it! Massive luck with the job search!
Thank you.

I just applied for one more. If I can apply for three jobs this week, I will be happy with that.
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  #344  
Old Nov 19, 2020, 09:54 AM
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I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve
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  #345  
Old Nov 19, 2020, 11:04 AM
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I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve
That will be me, walking alone on my own away from him.

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  #346  
Old Nov 19, 2020, 11:43 AM
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I spent 8 months once suicidally depressed because my greatest dream had crashed and burned... it blew up into a gazillion pieces. I thought THAT experience was very painful and very difficult. I also was unemployed for three years once due to a work related wrist injury. I had to battle the insurance company for a year and a half. It finally ended in a financial settlement in my favor, but I thought THAT experience was very painful and very difficult.

This experience I believe tops both of those life challenges by far.

I am depressed, beyond anxious and a total wreck. I cannot think straight. All I want to do is scream and run out of this freaking home with all my belongings. I am a freedom loving person, so being jailed like this is truly my worst nightmare, not to mention, being jailed with a narcissistic lying abuser to boot.
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  #347  
Old Nov 19, 2020, 05:07 PM
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So my husband cannot enforce boundaries with his ex wife because he enjoys the attention she gives, and the fact that she still has the hots for him.

It really irks me. He cannot show ME proper respect because of HIS need for ego stroking and attention from a female.

I am trying HARD not to take this so personally. He is abusive: he is disrespectful towards me in numerous ways, he crosses boundaries, he is explosive, and he craves attention because he's needy and needs constant ego stroking. None of this has to do with ME at all. It's all HIM and who he is.

The more I can distance myself emotionally, the better.
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Last edited by Have Hope; Nov 19, 2020 at 05:24 PM.
  #348  
Old Nov 19, 2020, 05:28 PM
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So my husband cannot enforce boundaries with his ex wife because he enjoys the attention she gives, and the fact that she still has the hots for him.

It really irks me. He cannot show ME proper respect because of HIS need for ego stroking and attention from a female.

I am trying HARD not to take this so personally. He is abusive: he is disrespectful towards me in numerous ways, he crosses boundaries, he is explosive, and he craves attention because he's needy and needs constant ego stroking. None of this has to do with ME at all. It's all HIM and who he is.

The more I can distance myself emotionally, the better.
Isn't it a good thing? I mean the situation with his ex. You want him gone, right? It's the fastest way, finding a new supply. Why in the world do you care?

He cannot show you proper respect? I honestly doubt it's something new for you.
  #349  
Old Nov 19, 2020, 05:31 PM
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Isn't it a good thing? I mean the situation with his ex. You want him gone, right? It's the fastest way, finding a new supply. Why in the world do you care?

He cannot show you proper respect? I honestly doubt it's something new for you.
When I want respect and cannot receive respect, it still hurts and causes emotional turmoil and pain. The emotional repercussions of disrespect still exist. It's terrible to live with.

So, no it's not a good thing, because it's yet another assault on me.. the one who still has to suffer through it and deal with it.
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  #350  
Old Nov 19, 2020, 05:38 PM
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When I want respect and cannot receive respect, it still hurts and causes emotional turmoil and pain. The emotional repercussions of disrespect still exist. It's terrible to live with.

So, no it's not a good thing, because it's yet another assault on me.. the one who still has to suffer through it and deal with it.
I think you're forgetting that you're not dealing with a decent person here.

You expect narc to behave like a normal, healthy person. You end up hurting yourself with these expectations. The sooner you drop them, the sooner you feel better, I believe.
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