I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

Nightmare. "I'm not hearing it" is just the right thing to say though. Can only control your own actions, and he clearly has 0 respect. Crocodile tears. Careful, because once he knows he can't have you, I would bet he'll go "sour grapes" then really try and devalue you.
Remember it's just sour grapes

Yes, I am now far more under control. My rage has subsided, and I don't feel the need to continue to berate him. I did for four days, and I've exhausted myself. There is nothing more I can say and I've pretty much said it all.

Now I don't wish to converse any longer because I will continue to hear either his weak BS excuses, his begging and pleading, or his deflections and blame on ME for this... equating to more abuse. I'm done.

I am anticipating this will get worse before it gets better.

So I hid all the jewelry he gave me and the receipts deep in my closet. I probably have 3K worth of jewelry I can sell, including the Tiffany necklace. And I plan on selling it ALL in order to help myself financially.

And last night I started to wonder if his cheating was MY fault somehow - was I not interesting or exciting enough? Lately, I was going to bed very early, and not too long after he would come home from work and after dinner. I had faced him with a divorce again just a couple weeks ago too. Then I backed down. So is it my fault?

I also know that I really cannot and should not blame myself. It's HIS doing. HE chose this. He knew 100% that it was the ONE thing that I would unequivocally divorce over.

He had his chance. I gave him a second chance in July when I was going to divorce him then. Yes, I backed down from divorcing him a couple weeks ago, but we were supposedly working on the relationship. So it's still all on HIM.

I think he was simply lining up the next victim out of desperation because he felt the relationship was ending and was over. He sought attn elsewhere, because he sensed me pulling away and being less interested in him.

He still did me wrong. It's his fault, not mine.

For all you know he was maybe talking to other women all along or at least way before October 15th. That’s maybe why you had to fight trying to grab his phone. If he had nothing to hide he’d give his phone freely.

I don’t see how you can force someone to cheat. If he was unhappy he could leave or say so. At the very least if he considered relationship with you was over and he was now free to pursue other women, he shouldn’t have slept with you. Even if he started it only on October 15, still how many times he still slept with you after starting this with a woman at work and wgat kind of lies he told her?

If I felt my relationship is falling apart to the point that I want to seek other men I sure wouldn’t be intimate with the one I am with! I don’t see how you caused it

Words are cheap. Of course he says he won’t cheat. Who says they will cheat? Every cheater says they won’t. His actions were always of a dishonest man with sneaky agendas so you have to go by actions, not words.

If he stays in someone spare room he likely will pay a minuscule rent so he’d need to continue contributing to the rent of your apartment until lease end.

Yes. If he had been unhappy, he should have ended it with me and he should have communicated this to me before cheating.

He probably was hiding something from me when I tried to grab his phone that night I called the police.

Honest men do not need to say repeatedly that they are honest. They show it through their actions, like you said. Actions speak far louder than words.

He probably has been talking to other women ever since I faced him with a divorce in July.. for all I know. I don't really even care. All that matters is that I busted him now at least with one, and it's over. He's weak and needy and it shows. That's why he did this. Pure weakness and neediness. It's pathetic.

He even told me that he had broken off communications with her last Monday morning because it was no longer "necessary". So why was it necessary to begin with? Because he needed an ego boost because he felt rejected by ME. That's was this was. He used her too, for his own ego and selfish purposes.

What an a-hole. I have no feelings towards him anymore and all I feel is hatred and disdain for him. He's a pathetic, weak and needy loser, and I was unfortunate enough to fall for his charms in the beginning.

IF he is required to pay TWO full rents, he could default on the $370 a month car lease, and then I AM responsible for paying the car lease myself, and I cannot afford it.

I will have to ask what his new rent amount is and IF he can contribute anything towards our current rent and also afford the car lease.

I do feel guilty about causing his mother to have a panic attack. I feel really guilty now for having texted her and for facing her with the truth about her son. I did not threaten her like he tried to accuse me of yesterday. Not at all. I simply told her that I will get a restraining order on him if necessary. She now has been on meds to help sedate her, and she's elderly. I feel awful. At the same time, I wanted her to know the full truth about what has gone down between us. Perhaps it was a mistake.

Not saying two full rents. It’s not going to be full tent staying in someone’s spare bedroom. He could contribute to your lease. Renting a room in someone’s place likely won’t cost him much or maybe nothing at all.

He might need to take his car to the dealership and talk to them about switching to a cheaper model.

What’s on the planet is he driving cars that cost 370 a months??? What’s he driving? I pay 300 for a Chevy Trax and I pay extra for 15 000 miles a year, it would be less if normal 12 000 miles. My husband pays the same for his Honda, last model, and we never put anything down.

Why is he driving expensive cars if he can’t afford things? I don’t get it. Is it large SUV that’s why? I live in a snowy and cold state and I make do. And I suspect we make way more than your husband. Why is he living this lavish life style if he can’t afford anything and why is he allowed to live this way??? Why nice large apartments and expensive cars?? Jewelry and concerts?

Do not ask him if he can contribute. He is on the lease. He must contribute!!!!

He tells you about his mother. Likely lying. Who really knows, he isn’t to be trusted

Yeah maybe you shouldn’t have written to her but I don’t see the end of the world. Her son cheated, you got upset. People do all kind of things when in distress.

I'm going to ask my sister, who is a lawyer, to look over our apartment lease terms.

I've already mentioned that he is a formerly very wealthy spoiled brat. He lives a lavish lifestyle beyond his means because he is spoiled and has to have the finer things in life, even if it means going into debt. He insisted on having a nicer car. It is a 2019 Honda SUV. I did not pay for the downpayment - he did. I did not pay a cent for it. It's in my name though and my credit.

A lawyer told me that we cannot share any debt through the divorce and that the divorce agreement will naturally include me getting out of the lease. I am not sure how that works though.

I hope - truly hope - i can get free legal services. I find out late next week if I am eligible.

Yes my husband had two cars when they were divorcing. Well one was his ex’s but he was the one paying for both. Judge split the lease by giving her one of the cars. It was a cheaper one because she wouldn’t be able to pay for a nicer one.

So divorce agreement does include the cars if finances and leases are intermingled. You can’t be expected to be responsible for his car post divorce. It’s his business if he can afford it or not. He could take Uber or buy a cheaper car

If he is the only one working maybe he could be made to pay for your lawyer. My husband was made to pay for his ex’s lawyer because she had no job. He had to take a loan because he could afford his lawyer but not both lawyers. Just a thought

True. Very true. He's just looking for anything so he can accuse ME and take the heat off of HIM.

Yeah. This piece will get resolved through the divorce agreement.

Possibly, though I highly doubt he will have the means to pay for my lawyer.

I am waiting to hear back next week from my abuse advocate on whether I qualify for free legal services. if not, then we take it from there, and maybe I will qualify for reduced fee or sliding scale.

Today I feel sadness, but not over the loss of HIM. But at least my rage has dissipated and I can now think more clearly through the logistics and details of the divorce.

This is a lot to overcome. It's great that you are managing as well as you are. I do hope you don't feel like you have to give up your dreams. I spent a lot of time being sad over the failure of my marriage, and it's helped me to remember that I made that commitment in good faith, and couldn't have known then what I know now.
I'm sure it will take a long time to process, but you're on the way out of this now, and that will open doors to all kinds of possibilities

Thank you.

Why would I ever give up my dreams? NOOOOOOO... my life is going to start over again after this with a brand new chapter or book even! I would never give up my dreams. But I WIL be a single for at least one year before I even consider or approach dating again. I aim to heal myself and to be in therapy working on myself. I aim to nurture my life and new friendships. I aim to be happy alone first. I am very much looking forward to this.

This marriage never should have even happened, and I knew it before we married. So it's a long time coming. I know it's not my fault or my failure. He is very damaged goods. He may even be sociopathic. He's certainly a pathological liar with no conscience and a narcissist. So it's not failing at all. He's damaged.

I just read that I could file for a fault divorce in my state of residence under these conditions:

Adultery
Desertion
Gross and confirmed habits of intoxication
Cruel and abusive treatment
Non-support
Impotency
A prison sentence of 5 or more years

Abuse and adultery is what he has committed. And i have screenshot proof saved. Plus I called the police, scared of him.

I could be eligible legally for alimony from him. In the case he refuses to pay any of our rent after he leaves, he may legally be forced to pay me alimony because I am unemployed.

This is good to know.

I think this is the more appropriate way of doing it. You could surely give enough examples about those points, and about intoxication and non-support (I know he didn't outright refuse, but did he find ways of putting off marriage counseling?).
He hasn't actually taken any positive steps in making things work, right?
I don't know how the law is there, but you would probably need to find out what examples of behaviour would be accepted as evidence.
I am guessing you would need to provide evidence rather than outright proof.
That's something worth checking.

I think it's usual that you should give evidence that "it could not be reasonably expected for you to stay in the marriage."

I'm sure you can give plenty of evidence to that effect

He doesn't drink, so intoxication is not a factor. It's a factor for ME since I was inebriated the night I called the police. BUT their record shows that I called because he was yelling at me, and I got scared. They called me the next day asking if I wanted a restraining order. So I have that evidence.

I also have about 20 screenshots of our texts saved showing evidence of his abuse towards me... meaning, me confronting him on all the abusive tactics.. the yelling, the berating, the control, the insults, and his mean so called jokes. It should be enough to show proof. I would think. I will find out though.

Ah, I thought there was some issue of addiction. I don't know where I got that impression from.

My point was that you probably don't need any proof.
You probably only need to make statements that will be used as evidence.
I can't be totally sure, but that is usually the case, that your word is taken as evidence

He has a pot addiction, yes, but not drinking. He doesn't drink.

I would imagine that the law would require some sort of documented proof. Then again, in order to get a restraining order, you just have to list the incidents and state that you are scared of the person in order to get one. Maybe abuse works similarly through divorce.

I mean, I have called the abuse hotline many times, and I now have an officially assigned advocate too. Maybe that's enough proof all by itself.

Not to mention the fact that it's in police records that I was scared of him one night when he was yelling and raging at me.