[SweetSunshine]

I am going to see my dad at the nursing home for the first time since my brothers funeral. Please keep me in your thoughs/ prayers. I am feeling panicky about this. My husband will be going with me. I just dont want to end up running into any of the siblings. I talked to a good irl friend of mine tonight and she said she would go with me to. I have nothing to feel bad about no matter what anyone else says. She told me that she knows everything I did for my dad... she saw it every day how I put myself out for that man in spite of my health problems. And non of my siblings ever appreciated it. Never offered a hand. They've just made me feel so terrrible about myself. And mostly out of their insecuriites with their relationship with their father. Everything that has gone wrong in their relationship with them has been my fault from the very moment I was brought into this world. I will not bear this anymore for anyone! I never deserved to be treated the way I was by them. I know this more than ever... because I know I have my friends who believe in me. They validated my actions , my feelings , me as a person. Thank God I have them and you guys here!!

Thanks for listening to my needs and to my rant lol. Sometimes I get going on a feeling here and just let it go just to get it out. Hope you didnt mind my rant lol

(((((((sweet))))))))

I will keep you in my thoughts and say a prayer for you ... no you didn't deserve any of it..... you be strong and dont let anyone spoil the moments with you father.......

I'll be with you holding your hand in spirit, be thinking of you all day.....love you sweetie, be YOU and you will be fine....

Don't let the b*ggers get you down Take care ..... hugs

Kerry xxxxxxxxxx

[bebop]

beth honey I am very proud of you! you stand your ground even if they do come in! He is your dad too and you took care of him for a long long time! you go girl!

[sabby]

((((((((( Bethy ))))))))

Hold your head high....know in your heart and mind that you did the best you could do under very trying circumstances and you have nothing to feel ashamed about.


sabby

[SeptemberMorn]

You go, girl!! You KNOW you did the best you could. You KNOW you always had your dad's best interest at heart. You KNOW what you sacrificed for your dad. Don't listen to them other guys!

My heart is with you today, Sweety.

[nothemama8]

dang Beth, you know you did sooooooooooooooo much, it's there quilt, not you, don't let them get to ya
if needed I'll send Marie to straighten them out okay?
Angie

[SweetSunshine]

I'm sorry.. I appreciate you guys' support on this.. I just couldnt do it today. Just too much fear of rejection and confrontation . Maybe I can get calmed down tomorrow to do it.. I hope. Sorry I failed you guys.

Just keep your focus on your dad there sweetsunshine. Don't let your thoughts go to your siblings and any past drama. Focus on spending time with your dad. Visualize yourself there. Just you and your dad and who ever else you want to be there. Keep that picture in your head and maybe it will help you keep the panic thoughts away.

Trust yourself to dance through any drama that could happened. Don't project it into your vision just accept that if it happens you will survive. Don't give it a seconds thought. Or give it over to someone else to keep your siblings away if that's what you need to have happen.

Focus on you spending time with your dad. No other cares. Just see it and move towards it.

Blessings to you and your dad...... no need to feel you failed anyone. There is no failure in trying. Only in quiting. You will have your heart's desire in perfect time and in perfect harmony with your needs.

Be well

[bebop]

hon you did not fail us! never ever think that hon. you do what you have to for you!

[Timgt5]

all the best to you sweet, all the best

TJ

[Perna]

You didn't fail us and don't feel badly yourself! Don't do this just to be doing it. It's hard visiting people in hospitals, nursing homes, assisted living! The whole experience with that person and one's life seems to want to come along at the same time.

My stepmother was hospitalized in the same hospital, the same wing, the same dates as my mother who had died there 50 years earlier. It was heck making myself walk through those hallways and try to ignore the ghosts of my past lives thick around me.

Talk it out with a T or good friend first for a bit? I was so relieved when I went to visit my stepmother (with pictures to show her and "props" so there would be something to talk about) that my nephew's wife and children were there. My mother wasn't very lucid but my nephew's wife and I could "share" the discomfort of that.

[sabby]

(((((((( Bethy ))))))))

In no way did you fail us....or yourself or anyone else. You are going through a process...and in that process, things will be difficult and it may take some time to work through them. And you will work through them my friend. And we'll be here to help you when you need it


sabby

((((((sweet)))))

You could never fail anyone .... your heart is too big and your soul too beautiful ..... hugging you Jinny xxxxx

[nothemama8]

nope you didn't fail anyone what you did was kept yourself safe

[SweetSunshine]

I went.. just got back a little bit ago. Not sure how i feel right now.

[bebop]

was it just you and dad today?

[sabby]

bethy....as soon as you feel up to it...let us know how you are ok?


sabby

[SweetSunshine]

I talked to my T about it today. And because I was so fearful of rejection and confrontation .. I only remember walking in the building and walking out. I dont know whether I cut my dads hair..or not... or if its half cut or what if anything was said. Nothing. And I am scared to tell my husband about it . But T told me I need to find out what happened. My husband was there. I mean I know he walked into the building with me. And I know he walked out with me. I cannot tell you how scarey this is . Why cant I just remember?

((((((((sweet)))))

many hugs.... you were very brave, nervous .... sometimes that is how our brains work .... you will remember....

Jinny xxxxx

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Bethy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[bebop]

hon I think stress will do that. I know if I am really stressed I can't remember stuff either. (((hugs)))

[nothemama8]

You did fine, just stop , breathe , and rest
Angie

[sabby]

(((((((((( Bethy )))))))))

What angie said is right.....stop, breathe and rest. You done good...I just know it. You faced a fear and you walked through it.

How are you doing today hon??


sabby

[SweetSunshine]

I'd breath better if my nose wasnt stuff and my throat wasnt raw right now lol.

But seriously... its hard for me to think of the other night as anything other than a failure. What good does it do me or anyone if I cant remember what happened? Thats a thought that has been constantly goign thru my mind . And I dont know what the hell to do about it now. I know I am not ready to go back out anytime soon.. not if this is going to happen again. And the dreams of my dad being carried out and being put into a herse are still happening. I dont know if this is cause of February being a peak time for things to happen to him. He's had TIA's and a couple full strokes and a heart attack all around the week of the 20th of Feb. That is a significant date that has meaning to us. I dont know what this dream means .. and I am scared that it will come true. I guess to sum it up.. i feel a mess.. I feel sick emotionally and physically, I feel betrayed by my mind , and I feel angry and hurt that my so called family have made me the scapegoat for their insecurities with their relationship with our dad. I'm so sick of being treated like I dont count.

(((((((((((((sweetsunshine)))))))))))) hope you feel better soon.

Some loving self-care sounds like it could be in order. Treat yourself to some loving kindness today. Just some sweet tender loving kindness.

You are perfect just the way you are..... singing in the sunshine..... think only sunshine thoughts for a while and see if it can't lighten up your load just a little.

Take good care of you sweetsunshine........