Issues with my brother again

Quick back story: Mother suffered from schizoaffective disorder and was in and out of psychiatric hospitals throughout our childhoods. Father was a bit hopeless on his own. I lived with family friends and was in a kids home on and off for at least 2 years of my life. My brother went to live with a family friend who lived a few houses away. He stayed there from age 1. I lived with my parents more than he did. I lived mostly with my father only. My brother is angry about it and has expressed in the past that i was the chosen one. He has said he views the people who brought him up as his parents. My parents are my mum and dad.
My brother hasn't spoken to his father for over 10 years.
He stopped speaking to me and his mother for 6 years then he suddenly out of the blue sent me a text message. He said he missed me and was sorry.
Last time we spoke he was abusive and threatened to punch me.
He said he and his partner were having a baby and we should be involved. We met up and things went well.
Baby was born and photos and videos came flooding in over whatsapp.
Then my mum got cancer. She travelled hundreds of miles away to live with me and my partner through treatment...she got the best treatment here.
After 5 months she went home. Chemo and surgery had gone well and she was in remission. But she has ovarian cancer and a recurrence is highly likely.
Throughout her treatment my brother and his partner face timed her with her little grandson and everything was fine.
They agreed to support her when she got home. Said she could come to their house for a meal everyday. They live 5 minutes away from her.
Anyway her mental health started to deteriorate and she was acting strange. She had a seizure in front of my brothers partner who called an ambulance. My mother was in hospital for a week and they thought the personality change was due to low magnesium and a reaction to steroids.
However my brothers partner decided they couldn't cope with her needs. My brother believed the seizure was a deliberate manipulative act.
The night after my mother got out of hospital
she fell out of bed and couldn't get back up. Lucikly she had a phone near her and had to call the police to break in and help her. The police called my brother to ask if he could sit with her until someone came to fix the lock. He refused because he believes she did it all on purpose for attention even though she had a broken arm.
Anyway the relationship between us all has deteriorated.
His partner sent a text to say he didn't think it was right to be expexted to help her. I replied saying why is it always left to me to deal with our mother. He replied to say when has she ever been a mother to him. She's not his mother.
So now i don't bother updating him about her as he never asks. He never sends a message or calls me to ask me how i am. He never did anyway since we got back in touch.
My mother is not seeing her grandson. They use covid restrictions as an excuse but could face time her if they wanted to.
All we get are photos and videos on the WhatsApp forum.
We have both replied saying nice things, but he never says anything back...just keeps sending photos or videos. No interest in how she is or how I'm doing.
How am i meant to respond to this?????

Unfortunately you are the favorite child. He has left mom to you.take care of mom. If your brother comes around he does. Keep trying to talk with him let him know that he's welcome there. I'm praying your brother comes around.

She doesn't have favourites. She loves us both equally. In my brother's eyes I am the favourite, and that's what causes the problems.
He expresses no interest in my life and family, but expects me to show interest in his.
It's like having a friend who is all about themselves and never asks you about yourself.

Your brother clearly has abandonment issues. He prefers to have control of his relationships and practices abandoning punishments because he clearly carries resentments. It won’t matter what you say. He can’t give caring to those he feels abandoned by.

You cannot fix this.

I want to validate your feelings that your parents do not have favorites. I have three kids with no favorites. But I am also a child of a mother who remarried and even though I know she does not have a favorite I still sometimes "feel less than". Its no one's fault and I certainly wouldnt blame my mother or half brother. Your brother may have zero grounds to feel this way but it seems he does. What you have to try and do is let it go, at least after speaking your truth. Tell him you do not agree, tell him the subject should not be brought up again and that if it is you wont contact him, and ask him to help with mom. If he denies your truth, rehashes the subject or refuses to help you with your mom, is that someone you want to be in a relationship with?

Thank you for your replies.

I know I can't fix it and I know he has abandonment issues. I'm trying to make sense of it.

My dad remarried and has step children and I sometimes feel 'less than' too, but I know he loves me and I'm happy for him. My mother loves my brother and I equally, but does know me better because I made the effort to 'know' her.

I guess the root of my problem is as sarahsweets says: Is that someone you want to be in a relationship with?

Ending the relationship with him means my mum won't see her grandson.

So I think the best I can do is just put up with it until my mother passes away and that's when I believe things will finally be over with my brother.

It's a shame because I do care about him and I would like things to be different, but I have to accept he will never change. I've accepted my parents won't change, but I struggle to accept that about my brother.

He said he wanted to help and he was a great support through cancer treatment but as soon as the mental health issue came up....he shut down. I guess the root of that issue is whether or not my mother's behaviour is narcissistic or she can't help it 'cause of mental illness. That's important because if someone abandons you as a child it matters to you if they did it to hurt you be ause they didn't care or if they were genuinely so ill they couldn't help it.

My mother believes the past is in the past and it's not fair to resent her for something that happened due to serious illness. It would be like blaming her for getting cancer.

When someone shares their opinions with you thats when it's important to really listen. You may not think you were the favorite, perhaps you were not too, however, that is how HE felt and probably still feels about how things were and are. And often what that really means amco is more of how you managed to have a relationship better than he could. And, most likely when your mother began struggling mentally it really triggered him to the point where he just could not handle it and got angry. After all, it was the mental illness he witnessed when he was way too young to have the ability to comprehend it or know what to do about it too. Most likely it frightened him and caused him to feel very unsafe. The only place he felt safe was with the people he lived with who provided him with stability. A comparison would be like finding yourself in a place where people do not speak any english and then you come across someone who does and it genuinely brings you a sense of calm again. Finally someone can understand you and even explain things to you so you don't feel so lost and FEEL is significant in this statement.

There is a saying that really does ring true, "You may not remember exactly what a person says, but you never forget how that person makes you feel". So that said, in the example I gave about suddenly being in an environment where no one can speak your language and you can't understand them and they can't understand you, the one thing you will always remember is how that made you feel. And just as true is always remembering how finally finding someone who does understand you and also these others, is the feeling of great relief.

What you need to come to terms with is that your younger brother may never truely get past his deep feelings and may need to distance and do so with anger. And while he may say you were the favorite, it may not really mean what you feel it means, instead he is saying how you seem to handle things better than him, while you can deal, he just can't because it's much too emotionally stressful for him.

Now, your brother did try to reconnect with you and maybe even with your mother. He even apologized to you too. However, that doesn't mean he doesn't carry some very old and very deep emotional wounds. A lot of these very old emotional wounds happened because of his mother's mental instability. It's only natural that her displaying mental illness again can trigger him and cause him to distance, even completely. And it can seem cold, however, he is protecting this very fragile emotional discomfort he experiences.

The other thing that you are missing is that given that he has a very young child himself, he will be subconsciously affected with memories of himself at that age. This can bring very old traumas to the surface. Sometimes not in an overwhelming ptsd way, but, often a desire to prevent one's own child from the trauma they themselves experienced. Yet, it can be more subconscious than conscious.

At this point what is best is to respect his need for space and distance and try to understand what he says on a different level. HIS life experience is different than yours and he was younger and may have been affected on a deeper level than you.

Open Eyes...I hear what you are saying, but the message that comes from what you say is that what my brother went through had more of an impact on him than what I went through. You are trying to help me understand him and all of those things you've said I already understand about him. Therefore what I understand from what you've said is that my experiences don't matter and I should focus on understanding my brother.
This is the core issue. I would like him to understand my experiences and understand me.
My brother was mostly protected from the truama of our mother's illness and he had two other parents in his life (who both had alcohol problems).
I was exposed to the truama of our mother's illness from age 1.
Everything you say is about trying to understand him when I would like him to understand me.
The message I get from your words is leave him alone, the poor boy has been through a lot.
Thus...I feel invalidated.
I've been through a lot too and it's always me who helps our mother. He gives me no support. So who am I to him?
Siblings have parents as a common bond. He doesn't talk to his dad and considers his mother not to be his mother. So i guess I'm trying to figure out what I mean to him or what he means to me???
But in a nutshell I think it's too hard to understand anothers pain when they refuse to understand or acknowledge yours.
He thinks i was the chosen one, but i was abandoned on a doorstep at age 1. I was in a kids home at ages 6,7 and 14. I lived with neighbours at age 4 for 6 months. In between those times, i either lived with my mother or my father and from age 10 to 13 lived with them both which was a horrendous time.
My brother had the stability of the same people throughout his life.
And there is the root of the problem again.
I think I resent him for having it better than me and still not being able to understand his parents.
So i resent him for not understanding me or validating what i went through and showing no interest in my life, for judging our parents harshly in front of me, for being abusive because I speak to our father. And for not being able to move on and forgive them or understand them. How on earth can we possibly have a relationship with all that going on????

I agree with this. At the root, he's a victim, too. I fully empathize how he feels even though how he's managing those feelings are not only unhealthy for him, but also unsafe for those around him.. including his baby.

I'd suggest taking that responsibility off his hands. It's clearly affecting him in a very negative way and he has a wife and child that are likely affected by this. Keep the peace.

His feelings are valid. He needs a lot of therapy to work through this before he'll be of any help to anyone so there's not a lot you can do to change this.

You sound like a strong person and perhaps developed a better relationship with your mother than he did. If you're able to take care of her, great. If not, try and tap into other resources.

Quote:

Originally Posted by amco open eyes...i hear what you are saying, but the message that comes from what you say is that what my brother went through had more of an impact on him than what i went through. You are trying to help me understand him and all of those things you've said i already understand about him. Therefore what i understand from what you've said is that my experiences don't matter and i should focus on understanding my brother. This is the core issue. I would like him to understand my experiences and understand me. My brother was mostly protected from the truama of our mother's illness and he had two other parents in his life (who both had alcohol problems). I was exposed to the truama of our mother's illness from age 1. Everything you say is about trying to understand him when i would like him to understand me. The message i get from your words is leave him alone, the poor boy has been through a lot. Thus...i feel invalidated. I've been through a lot too and it's always me who helps our mother. He gives me no support. So who am i to him? Siblings have parents as a common bond. He doesn't talk to his dad and considers his mother not to be his mother. So i guess i'm trying to figure out what i mean to him or what he means to me??? But in a nutshell i think it's too hard to understand anothers pain when they refuse to understand or acknowledge yours. He thinks i was the chosen one, but i was abandoned on a doorstep at age 1. I was in a kids home at ages 6,7 and 14. I lived with neighbours at age 4 for 6 months. In between those times, i either lived with my mother or my father and from age 10 to 13 lived with them both which was a horrendous time. My brother had the stability of the same people throughout his life. And there is the root of the problem again. I think i resent him for having it better than me and still not being able to understand his parents. So i resent him for not understanding me or validating what i went through and showing no interest in my life, for judging our parents harshly in front of me, for being abusive because i speak to our father. And for not being able to move on and forgive them or understand them. How on earth can we possibly have a relationship with all that going on????

#thetruth

Unfortunately, you can't force him to understand you, your feelings, or how your childhood has impacted you.

What you're showing is that you're more capable than he is in caring for your mother.. at least at this point.

She needs medical help. If it becomes too much for you, would a care home be an option for her?

What you just shared here amco is important, not so much for me but for yourself. It was important to let YOUR feelings out in this challenge you are experiencing. As for me, I did not have all that you shared in this post I am now replying to. It was not my intention to invalidate you at all. And I am not really telling you to help your brother either. I am not invalidating your own challenges either, until you shared what you did here I did not know your story. You are a fairly new member so I genuinely do not know you.

Maybe you are jealous of him due to what he did not see or experience the way you did. Maybe it's not so much jealousy but resentment in perhaps he had more safety than you did. You BOTH faced huge challenges from what you share here. Early childhood abandonment is very traumatic for a child. It can definitely have an affect on someone the rest of their lives.

It just sounds to me that his resentment has more to do with how you are able to handle things more than he can. Sometimes people say things that don't mean what you think. When someone states "you were the favorite" it can definitely have more than one reason. It really depends on the entire picture and individuals involved. It's possible that what he means is that you can handle your mother's mental illness better than he can. You can manage where he cannot. Also, interesting in how he said that "you" are the chosen one. Often that comes from a childhood feeling of how you got to live with your parents, perhaps even your father when he was just left with those other people. He carries that feeling deeply even still. Feelings are not always facts even though they feel like facts.

Yes, that's it. I always remember he had security. He had a nice bedroom, lots of clothes and got to go on school holidays - paid for by my father. My father gave the people looking after him money which meant I went without. I rarely got new clothes and never went on school holidays (not enough money). My brother visited us every day and knew who we were. He lived just 2 minutes walk away.
My parents were on their best behaviour when he visited.
He is 3 years younger and got to go to discos and stay out later than me.
He was in my opinion the apple of their eye. The child they wanted but for some reason couldn't have. It was actually better for him not to be brought up with his parents.
How bizarre is that?
And all the time he was resenting me for the time I spent with them.
I know I can't blame him for how I was treated as a child and vice versa, but how do you move past that?
When I was 16 I left home and moved in with my mother until I was 22 and got my own place.
When my brother was 17, my father helped him build a new house. And allowed him to move into it with his 15-year-old girlfriend. That relationship ended because he was abusive to her. He later attempted suicide because of the relationship ending. One of the reasons he stopped talking to our father was because the house developed lots of problems and he claimed our father's building company was a cowboy company.
However, the house still stands with new owners and has no problems.
I was driving a second-hand car and my brother's first car was brand new (he later crashed it into a tree).
I guess what I'm saying here is I went without so he could have things and this was due to my parents' guilt over the fact he was being brought up by different people.
So I saw how they were hurt by it and I saw that they felt bad about it and guilty and that they did love him. So I guess I don't think how he behaves towards them is right.
Both my parents are victims of their own childhoods too. I can forgive them because we have talked and they understand me and I understand them and they have apologised.
Why can't I forgive my brother? He isn't responsible for how I was treated by our parents? I'm not responsible for how he was treated by them? Am I blaming him in some way and what am I blaming him for? I just don't understand what the issue is between us. Is it really just resentment and jealousy?

Best case scenario would be to agree to disagree over our parents, but he won't even try to understand my point of view. I'm not forcing it on him, just asking him to understand me.

But I guess he does not want that. So I have to let him go. There is no way of improving this relationship. I was obviously a fool for giving him another chance after agreeing to talk to him after 6 years of silence. My partner actually said that I was at my happiest during the 6 years my brother wasn't talking to me.

I really see no way of repairing our relationship, but for my mother's sake, I will pretend everything is fine. I won't end the relationship. The door will always be open for him. I just won't make the effort anymore or have expectations for a lovely, close sibling relationship.

Our mother was in the hospital with sepsis the other week. She made a full recovery. I didn't bother telling him. I'm not going to feel guilty about that because he is capable of calling her and finding out for himself how she is. She is just as capable of telling him how she is. I think I've been the go-between for too long and need to get out of it. He asks me how she is and I tell her to call him. That stops now.

I don't hate him. I genuinely wish him well in his life, but I feel he resents me and always makes snarky abusive comments and never congratulates me on anything. He just isn't interested in my life at all.

Big thank you to you all for replying to me and helping me with this

It sounds like you have tried, with your parents and even with your brother. Unfortunately sometimes another person simply isn't capable, has their own demons and ways of thinking about things you can't change. You are just more open to healing than he is, sometimes that happens.

Also, I believe you when you share that often you went without so he could have things due to how your parents carried guilt about not having it together enough to raise him. A new car can't replace loving and caring or fix what has been hurt or broken between your father and your brother. Not even building him a house can fix or replace or fill the hole and anger your brother carried.

Somehow you have to find it within yourself to let go of what you had hoped for and focus on your own needs. I know that's not easy as I have been working on that myself. Often it's better to let go as it can bring up old hurts that interfere with things you need to focus more on in the now.

One thing I have learned by living life (I just turned 64) is that we come across many things we just don't know how to navigate. That can bring up some significant challenges someone faced when they were young and did not know how to navigate challenges then either.

You are all a family, work on your communication with him, and confess feelings. You have to be the driving force of these attitudes in family members. Family time is important and support of family and love for them is also important.

I disagree with many here. I do not think the OP is obligated to mend the relationship, tolerate the relationship or even forgive him at this point. Sure the op may not tell their parents which is very considerate aside from the fact that they might not care or worse intervene and take sides. The brother is selfish with no concern for his mother or else he would call once and awhile. Instead he waits until he is called only to reject his sibling and manipulate himself out of helping. Just because they are related doesnt matter. The op felt these things and is expected to play those feelings down and somehow understand the brother better? learning to understand is a two way street. Healing a relationship takes two. Of course the OP should get to a point of acceptance but confusing acceptance with forgiveness is a common thing. No one has to forgive but you have to accept the circumstances. I support the op's plan of action.