[Toughcooki]

Well, some people care, but they actively hate me and have literally gone to great lengths to destroy me, including filing false reports, talking to supervisors, etc. That includes ex's as well as family members. The people I call 'friends' are all people I can trust to generally be nice and non-abusive, and they come to me when they need to talk about something, but if I am having a hard time with something they respond with something like, 'Gee that's terrible!" then... silence.. then... 'So, did I tell you about the guy that dinged my car at the grocery the other day? I was like, OMG!' and so on. Just changing the subject. Years ago we used to talk more, and they'd have more to say, but now, I feel like I've maybe had too many crappy things happen to me and they're tired of hearing about it.
My therapist is all, 'you should feel like you're getting something out of a friendship, like it's benefiting you in some way' and ----- I've never had a friendship that was more than this. I've never had a friend or family member I could go to in an emergency. Never. If I get a flat on the side of the road or run out of gas in a shady part of town, I'm on my own.
I'm almost 50 by the way. Some of my friends have been friends since high school.
I don't know if there's a way to resolve this, I just feel like relationships are so empty.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Toughcooki

Well, some people care, but they actively hate me and have literally gone to great lengths to destroy me, including filing false reports, talking to supervisors, etc. That includes ex's as well as family members.

Those are people of bad character.

The people I call 'friends' are all people I can trust to generally be nice and non-abusive, and they come to me when they need to talk about something, but if I am having a hard time with something they respond with something like, 'Gee that's terrible!" then... silence.. then... 'So, did I tell you about the guy that dinged my car at the grocery the other day? I was like, OMG!' and so on. Just changing the subject. Years ago we used to talk more, and they'd have more to say, but now, I feel like I've maybe had too many crappy things happen to me and they're tired of hearing about it.

^Some people always bring the conversation right back to themselves, or your thoughts on how you have spoken about too many negative things to them has turned them off.

My therapist is all, 'you should feel like you're getting something out of a friendship, like it's benefiting you in some way' and ----- I've never had a friendship that was more than this. I've never had a friend or family member I could go to in an emergency. Never. If I get a flat on the side of the road or run out of gas in a shady part of town, I'm on my own.
I'm almost 50 by the way. Some of my friends have been friends since high school.
I don't know if there's a way to resolve this, I just feel like relationships are so empty.

Friendships work best with very low expectations, mutually nurturing contact, and sharing nice times together.

[Toughcooki]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Friendships work best with very low expectations, mutually nurturing contact, and sharing nice times together.

I do have low expectations but sometimes when I'm absolutely crushed by something (loss of a pet, a bad medical diagnosis, etc) and I share how I'm feeling and it hurts when I'm rebuffed. I just feel sad that there's no one out there who cares about me, even though they say they do.

[TishaBuv]

Your feelings are spot on because those people’s reactions are definitely lacking from the events you mentioned. People who care have empathy and will even ask you how you are doing and follow up when things like that happen.

I'm sorry things are going this way for you, Toughcooki. I very much tend toward having acquaintances, not so much friends, so I know that no one really to call upon feeling. Do you happen to have the tendency to feel you're bothering people? This is a problem in my case, and I know it contributes to the issue. I'm trying. It's more challenging now with all that's going on, but I know there are meetup groups that are getting together online (zoom) and even some in person for hiking and such. Have you tried branching out to maybe find some new friends? The dynamic with the ones you mention is very unlikely to change. I don't know if it would help, but have you brought it up with them?

[MsLady]

Years ago we used to talk more, and they'd have more to say, but now, I feel like I've maybe had too many crappy things happen to me and they're tired of hearing about it.

This stood out to me. It's very likely a "cause and effect" that too many crappy things have happened and they're tired of hearing it.

I've known people like this. Conversations with them can be emotionally draining and they often don't see or understand how they could have prevented some of it. Sometimes it's really about making poor choices for oneself to the point they're forevee in this "poor me" state.

People want to be surrounded by positive and fun people. If we have long standing friends (from high school) it's hard to cut off those friendships, even if it's no longer serving a function. Some people simply can't cut people out.. so they carry on, making surface conversations and not investing in much more.

So, you're 50 years old. You've had a hard life (I'm assuming) and feel disconnected from the world. That's a tough place to be, and I can surely relate.

So what can you do? Appreciate the friendships that are worthy enough for you and cut out those who no longer seem like they have any interest in your life. I'd also take ownership to some of this, as a way to reflect and repair relationships, this day forward.

We can't change what's already happened. We can't also expect our friends to be our therapists, either. Find the balance.

[sarahsweets]

I think managing expectations with friends is important. You cant expect them to care about your problems because they have shown that they do not. The question is do you want that sort of one sided friendship or do you want more? If you want more you need different friends.

[Toughcooki]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

I'm sorry things are going this way for you, Toughcooki. I very much tend toward having acquaintances, not so much friends, so I know that no one really to call upon feeling. Do you happen to have the tendency to feel you're bothering people? This is a problem in my case, and I know it contributes to the issue. I'm trying. It's more challenging now with all that's going on, but I know there are meetup groups that are getting together online (zoom) and even some in person for hiking and such. Have you tried branching out to maybe find some new friends? The dynamic with the ones you mention is very unlikely to change. I don't know if it would help, but have you brought it up with them?

Yes, I do feel like I'm bothering people - but it's a feeling that grows over the time that I know someone because when I ask for help, or try to express a feeling or whatever, they ACT like I'm bothering them, lol!
I haven't brought it up, no. I've only ever brought this issue up with one person, which was my dad. I actually asked if I had done something to inadvertently offend him at some time without knowing it, bc he's this super sweet jolly person with EVERYONE else in the world, including all his other kids, but with me he's distant and cold.... -He responded angrily that he's busy and has a life and can't be expected to be on call for my personal issues. So I gave up on him - haven't spoken to him in probably 5 years. Not out of anger, but out of neglect - I just am not willing to keep trying to shoulder the burden of a relationship neither of us wants. I never asked my mom why she didn't like me - she told me constantly growing up all the reasons I was unlikeable. Haven't spoken to her in 20 years - again, not out of anger, but self-preservation. *sigh*

[Toughcooki]

Originally Posted by MsLady

This stood out to me. It's very likely a "cause and effect" that too many crappy things have happened and they're tired of hearing it.

I've known people like this. Conversations with them can be emotionally draining and they often don't see or understand how they could have prevented some of it. Sometimes it's really about making poor choices for oneself to the point they're forevee in this "poor me" state.

People want to be surrounded by positive and fun people. If we have long standing friends (from high school) it's hard to cut off those friendships, even if it's no longer serving a function. Some people simply can't cut people out.. so they carry on, making surface conversations and not investing in much more.

So, you're 50 years old. You've had a hard life (I'm assuming) and feel disconnected from the world. That's a tough place to be, and I can surely relate.

So what can you do? Appreciate the friendships that are worthy enough for you and cut out those who no longer seem like they have any interest in your life. I'd also take ownership to some of this, as a way to reflect and repair relationships, this day forward.

We can't change what's already happened. We can't also expect our friends to be our therapists, either. Find the balance.

Ironically I deal with things 99% of the time by making jokes about them. I am happy & upbeat. I sing in the car and strike up conversations with strangers. I am well liked by people who don't know me, lol. Everyone in town sees me coming and smiles and waves from cashiers/clerks to librarians etc. I laugh to stay sane, lol - finding happiness in life has been my goal since I was a kid. "What's the silver lining" was like my mantra. I've been chastised by previous therapists for wearing rose-colored-glasses and being too optimistic. (Which I felt was unfair bc everyone has a coping mechanism and I think that mine is less destructive than most, lol)
When something crappy happens I don't dwell on it, or want to chew on it for weeks. And these same friends I've known since high school don't know 1/10 of the stuff that's happened to me, lol. I only share stuff that a reasonable person could be expected to grasp. No one but my therapist knows my 1st husband tried to kill me when I was pregnant, etc. But my friends from high school know my mom hated me, bc they saw it every day. & they knew I got divorced when I was pregnant, and had no help or support. They just didn't know about the stalking and constant threats for years afterward. And so on. I don't go to my friends over every horrid thing that happens to me, and have never done so. We'd have nothing else to talk about, lol! I enjoy talking to people about other things - I listen to their lives, we talk about current events, and pets, and the weather, and as long as we're talking about them, or something we have in common, it's fine - we talk and laugh and have an enjoyable time. And that's the vast majority of our conversations. But if it's about me, there's simply no conversation.

[Toughcooki]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I think managing expectations with friends is important. You cant expect them to care about your problems because they have shown that they do not. The question is do you want that sort of one sided friendship or do you want more? If you want more you need different friends.

That's a really good point, thank you. I think I should examine why I keep expecting people to care about me/my problems when they've shown that they don't.. And why I am still connected with people who keep showing that they don't care about me or my problems. I know I have an issue with ending relationships, I think that I'm just afraid that I've already ended relationships with so many people, what if I end up completely alone? Would that be worse or better? Something for me to think about I guess, lol.

[Rive.]

I feel like I've maybe had too many crappy things happen to me and they're tired of hearing about it.

Or maybe they're not true friends.

I agree with your T that friendships ought to be more... balanced and emotionally satisfying. Some people also just want you to be there for them and are not willing to reciprocate. That's what a good friend would do, even if you told them the same thing twenty thousand times.

[Toughcooki]

Originally Posted by Rive.

Or maybe they're not true friends.

I agree with your T that friendships ought to be more... balanced and emotionally satisfying. Some people also just want you to be there for them and are not willing to reciprocate. That's what a good friend would do, even if you told them the same thing twenty thousand times.

That's true!

[NatalieJastrow]

Originally Posted by Toughcooki

----- I've never had a friendship that was more than this. I've never had a friend or family member I could go to in an emergency. Never. If I get a flat on the side of the road or run out of gas in a shady part of town, I'm on my own.

I am also just 50. And I probably was going to write this post.

I have a pretty new boss and I am 3 years in and, it appears, to me, he has fallen out of "like" with me. You see the pained look on his face when I make a joke... my xmas gift comes late and is crap. We hardly talk anymore. I suppose I should be glad he keeps me as an employee.

I absolutely know how you feel about family. I cannot depend on them for anything and I would rather die than ask, but even if I did ask, they would make whatever difficult. One time I was stranded when the trains went down. Do you know what I did, I took a taxi. At a cost of $120.00. I make decisions now telegraphing if there will be protections in case of a flat tire etc. One reason I have stopped traveling as I don't know what would happen if I got sick or stranded.

When I was in my twenties I got stranded by a freak snow storm a few states away. I asked my parents to come get me when the storm was over as I had no shovel and No change of clothing - the answer... NO. Shocking but they were older at the time. Ok,. I will just ask the friend I had come down there to see if she could bring me a shovel -- the answer. NO!. I mean that is just decency right? I ended up getting back on the road due to the melting of snow and the kindness of strangers who saw me out with no shovel trying to clear off my car. I thought, if you were my friend, you wouldn't give me that.

I was in a hotel and I had to pay for three extra days due to the delay.

I make every decision carefully. I don't eat food that could cause a trip to the ER. I walk down the stairs carefully. I take zero chances on the ice. People have always felt free to say "no" to me -- even when I was sure that society rules demanded that they say ok.

Recently I had a colonoscopy and I am happy to say I asked a work friend who I thought would say yes and she did. She did what was necessary. I sent her a gift in appreciation.

But even still... when we retuned to my home I thought she might stay for a bit, nope, she dropped me off and was out in a flash.

I bought the place that I live with an eye toward people coming to visit me, staying over if necessary, but no one has ever done so. I have an extra room with a bed that has never been used. No one ever comes to see me. Ever. I know my neighbors notice this and I get excited when anyone comes that can be perceived as a visitor.

But no real people.

I feel like there are reasons, of course there are reasons, but I am not changing them. People don't worry about me because I never give them reason to. If I was a drama queen always ending up in jail or needing a toe or *expecting them to be there* they would be more involved. My boss probably doesn't like me because I do not want to "play the game" --ie, pretend people that I work with are close friends... and I stubbornly have tried to keep relationships professional, and that harshes his glow.

When you are strong and independent people just assume you are all set. You don't give them anything to care about... but still feels like a very lonely place to be.

[MsLady]

Originally Posted by Toughcooki

Ironically I deal with things 99% of the time by making jokes about them. I am happy & upbeat. I sing in the car and strike up conversations with strangers. I am well liked by people who don't know me, lol. Everyone in town sees me coming and smiles and waves from cashiers/clerks to librarians etc. I laugh to stay sane, lol - finding happiness in life has been my goal since I was a kid. "What's the silver lining" was like my mantra. I've been chastised by previous therapists for wearing rose-colored-glasses and being too optimistic. (Which I felt was unfair bc everyone has a coping mechanism and I think that mine is less destructive than most, lol)
When something crappy happens I don't dwell on it, or want to chew on it for weeks. And these same friends I've known since high school don't know 1/10 of the stuff that's happened to me, lol. I only share stuff that a reasonable person could be expected to grasp. No one but my therapist knows my 1st husband tried to kill me when I was pregnant, etc. But my friends from high school know my mom hated me, bc they saw it every day. & they knew I got divorced when I was pregnant, and had no help or support. They just didn't know about the stalking and constant threats for years afterward. And so on. I don't go to my friends over every horrid thing that happens to me, and have never done so. We'd have nothing else to talk about, lol! I enjoy talking to people about other things - I listen to their lives, we talk about current events, and pets, and the weather, and as long as we're talking about them, or something we have in common, it's fine - we talk and laugh and have an enjoyable time. And that's the vast majority of our conversations. But if it's about me, there's simply no conversation.

Interesting.. I feel like I could have written this, myself. I can be a bit pessimistic though when it comes to other people. I find they're often more interested in talking about themselves than they are at listening to others. It's like we live in a (dare I say it) very narcissistic-like society.. and I just don't blend well with that.

I do think, as a whole, we're becoming more disconnected from each other. People are out for themselves.. social media is all about fame and attention.. etc. Yes, friendships can definitely be shallow. I had wondered if covid19 would actually help us improve on this or makes us more isolated.

I don't know about you.. but I rarely talk on the phone, anymore. Conversations are mainly via text or social media.. and people skim through conversations because they're also multi tasking. Am I being negative again? Lol

[Toughcooki]

Originally Posted by NatalieJastrow

I am also just 50. And I probably was going to write this post.

I have a pretty new boss and I am 3 years in and, it appears, to me, he has fallen out of "like" with me. You see the pained look on his face when I make a joke... my xmas gift comes late and is crap. We hardly talk anymore. I suppose I should be glad he keeps me as an employee.

I absolutely know how you feel about family. I cannot depend on them for anything and I would rather die than ask, but even if I did ask, they would make whatever difficult. One time I was stranded when the trains went down. Do you know what I did, I took a taxi. At a cost of $120.00. I make decisions now telegraphing if there will be protections in case of a flat tire etc. One reason I have stopped traveling as I don't know what would happen if I got sick or stranded.

When I was in my twenties I got stranded by a freak snow storm a few states away. I asked my parents to come get me when the storm was over as I had no shovel and No change of clothing - the answer... NO. Shocking but they were older at the time. Ok,. I will just ask the friend I had come down there to see if she could bring me a shovel -- the answer. NO!. I mean that is just decency right? I ended up getting back on the road due to the melting of snow and the kindness of strangers who saw me out with no shovel trying to clear off my car. I thought, if you were my friend, you wouldn't give me that.

I was in a hotel and I had to pay for three extra days due to the delay.

I make every decision carefully. I don't eat food that could cause a trip to the ER. I walk down the stairs carefully. I take zero chances on the ice. People have always felt free to say "no" to me -- even when I was sure that society rules demanded that they say ok.

Recently I had a colonoscopy and I am happy to say I asked a work friend who I thought would say yes and she did. She did what was necessary. I sent her a gift in appreciation.

But even still... when we retuned to my home I thought she might stay for a bit, nope, she dropped me off and was out in a flash.

I bought the place that I live with an eye toward people coming to visit me, staying over if necessary, but no one has ever done so. I have an extra room with a bed that has never been used. No one ever comes to see me. Ever. I know my neighbors notice this and I get excited when anyone comes that can be perceived as a visitor.

But no real people.

I feel like there are reasons, of course there are reasons, but I am not changing them. People don't worry about me because I never give them reason to. If I was a drama queen always ending up in jail or needing a toe or *expecting them to be there* they would be more involved. My boss probably doesn't like me because I do not want to "play the game" --ie, pretend people that I work with are close friends... and I stubbornly have tried to keep relationships professional, and that harshes his glow.

When you are strong and independent people just assume you are all set. You don't give them anything to care about... but still feels like a very lonely place to be.

Wow, that sounds just like me - except I'm not really excited to see people, haha. I actually dread it quite a lot.
I also have difficulty walking the line between 'don't be a drama queen' and 'don't share yourself' - it's like... if you don't share, people can't feel close to you, and so you end up with only superficial relationships! But if you do share (if you've had or are having a terrible life) people freak out and distance themselves. So either we pretend everything's fine, and only share the most minor things - and as a result never feel truly close to anyone, or we share.... and then lose friendships, and as a result never feel truly close to anyone.
Truly a quandry.

[Toughcooki]

Originally Posted by MsLady

Interesting.. I feel like I could have written this, myself. I can be a bit pessimistic though when it comes to other people. I find they're often more interested in talking about themselves than they are at listening to others. It's like we live in a (dare I say it) very narcissistic-like society.. and I just don't blend well with that.

I do think, as a whole, we're becoming more disconnected from each other. People are out for themselves.. social media is all about fame and attention.. etc. Yes, friendships can definitely be shallow. I had wondered if covid19 would actually help us improve on this or makes us more isolated.

I don't know about you.. but I rarely talk on the phone, anymore. Conversations are mainly via text or social media.. and people skim through conversations because they're also multi tasking. Am I being negative again? Lol

That's true for sure - the text/type conversations. I pretty much only talk on the phone when I have to (making dr appts, etc) - otherwise, it's all texting. Which does cause problems for sure.
And yes - we are in a very self-oriented society now. I think we've lost some of that willingness to sacrifice that was there in earlier generations. Some have it obviously - the military, the police officers, the firefighters - people still willing to put their lives on the line...
I worry that covid *is* making people more isolated. I hope that it's not a long-lasting situation.

[NatalieJastrow]

Originally Posted by Toughcooki

But if you do share (if you've had or are having a terrible life) people freak out and distance themselves. So either we pretend everything's fine, and only share the most minor things - and as a result never feel truly close to anyone, or we share.... and then lose friendships, and as a result never feel truly close to anyone.
Truly a quandry.

I definitely feel like that. I feel like if I say "I need help" no one hears it. So I have to scream and be overly emotional to get people to pay attention and yet, they then act like I am being overly emotional.

When my brother doesn't respect my wishes... I often have to get to a point of screaming and acting hysterical. He always acts like that means I am weird. I have told him before it is because when I say the word no... there is no respect for that. They only thing he listens to is screeching of my voice.

I have several serious illnesses but because they aren't deadly right now... no one cares. IMHO not even my doctors. They want to wait until they are serious. Um, no I want them nipped in the bud right now. So as with everything, I am on my own.

[Toughcooki]

Originally Posted by NatalieJastrow

I definitely feel like that. I feel like if I say "I need help" no one hears it. So I have to scream and be overly emotional to get people to pay attention and yet, they then act like I am being overly emotional.

When my brother doesn't respect my wishes... I often have to get to a point of screaming and acting hysterical. He always acts like that means I am weird. I have told him before it is because when I say the word no... there is no respect for that. They only thing he listens to is screeching of my voice.

I have several serious illnesses but because they aren't deadly right now... no one cares. IMHO not even my doctors. They want to wait until they are serious. Um, no I want them nipped in the bud right now. So as with everything, I am on my own.

I'm so sorry. I really work to stay away from people who don't respect boundaries. I am not good at putting them up, so it's important for me to avoid people who trample the little ones I try to put up! Good for you, for standing up for yourself. You're not being weird, you're trying to be heard. I've been married to people like that, lol. Ignore you until you're literally frantic. Ugh, bad memories!

I feel like - if we can all connect on here, and say, 'I am alone' - I bet there are people closer who we can connect with as well. I have hope for all of us.