[RoxanneToto]

Or certainly not as nice as he initially seemed, I guess.
Not sure if this is the right forum, it doesn’t have much purpose other than to get things off my chest. I feel a little disturbed, even though it’s been over 4 years since I split with him, so at the same time I feel a bit stupid to feel like this. I feel like I need to write it down, though.
It wasn’t huge things, but stuff I remember him doing and not liking at the time, but because of my emotional/psychological state (depressed, confused, tired, verging on panic attacks... sometimes happy but overall really anxious. I tried to fight these feelings thinking I might “calm down” and things would feel clearer eventually. I just got worse, though, until I ended things) I never really challenged it.
He would sometimes try and hold me in place when we hugged on the bed, even when I said I wanted the toilet.
Kept badgering me to do a certain thing (that would be painful for me) in sex. Was also difficult to pull his hands away when he was hurting me; he always had to carry on a few seconds longer. On top of that, asked me to use a “code word” instead of just “stop” during arousal. I had already said, sometimes it just got too intense for me and I’d prefer to stop or slow down for a bit. Maybe he was using that to his advantage, as it was then harder for me to get the words out, but I had trusted him. More fool me.
Said he’d go to the doctors with me for a therapy appt if I booked one, but when I asked later if he’d still come, he just looked at me like I’d sprouted another head.

Possible trigger:

1. Not sure if this is really triggering but it could be? Not directly against me, but claimed he was a feminist, then got mad at a woman on tv one morning who thought her drink got spiked on a night out, basically blaming her for what happened. 2. Def a trigger - when I was breaking up with him he suddenly said he’d start self harming again. It was half hearted, like he didn’t think I’d believe him, but it was still said. I said you can’t do that, it’s not worth it. As far as I know he didn’t do it. I think shortly after that we hugged and he left.

Easy to annoy and would sulk at what I thought were minor things, including asking him to put his phone away for a bit while we were waiting for lunch in a pub. Think this was 3rd or 4th date.
Trying to look at stuff I was doing on my phone.
Always had to be right.
Openly showing attraction to another young lady who briefly joined our art group. Like, he literally threw himself across the room to get a closer look. Maybe thought he was Superman going to save Lois Lane! Later he was also hovering in doorways she happened to be near I was jealous at that time but laugh at how stupid it was, now.
He wasn’t all bad, but looking back and reading what I’ve written I’m glad we didn’t stay together. I do honestly know not all of this is abusive stuff, it just bothers me that I was in too much of a fog to really do what was best for me at the time until I’d had enough of feeling batpoop crazy because of the anxiety etc.

[divine1966]

Yup, abusive stuff in my books. I am glad you are done with him and don’t allow men to treat you this way anymore. Good for you leaving him. Hugs

[RoxanneToto]

Thanks for the confirmation, divine. I never really talked about it at the time, guess it didn’t really register with me until recently. Been reading about other people’s experiences and some of it was recognisable to me, coming to realise I dodged a bullet, although I wished I’d felt different at the time because I hated that I’d hurt him by splitting. I tried staying friends afterwards but it was a silly no hard feelings type thing on my part, felt startled when he started conversations on Facebook messenger with me. It was weird.

I'm sorry you went through this, RoxanneToto. Wanted to let you know that I understand that feeling of not doing anything at the time out of psychological state, just so tired and upside down in a sense. I know at least one book on abuse calls it FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). Can you relate to that? I remember just being exhausted of it all and saw no point to it almost(!) I find it shocking now, but it was all tied up with the mental state I'd been conditioned to at that point. Ugh. If you are beating yourself up about it (?), don't.

I hope you are getting a chance to bolster your self-esteem and re-discover YOU. I don't know if you're finding the need of that (but I sure did).

Are you all rid of him now?

[RoxanneToto]

Thank you very much, Innerzone! I’ve nearly always been anxious in relationships, most of them were long or semi long distance and this one was very much in person, so it was much more ramped up, so to speak.
I realised most of my feelings of attraction (the initial crush) had disappeared soon after we started dating, but did feel it come back in short lived moments. I definitely felt that obligation and fear. Not of dumping him and being alone, I felt guilty about wanting to but I’m not afraid of being single. It was more, I don’t know what I’m doing, I was afraid of committing myself too but didn’t realise it then. He said I can see you for a whole week when I had annual leave once, I just recoiled inside lol.

I do relate to the conditioning, even if I don’t always “obey” if that makes sense. I know my mum was annoyed when I hinted I was going to split with him (as she had been when I decided I was done seeing another guy of the same name a few years before - never dated but he was starting to show he wasn’t a nice person either by then). It shouldn’t be up to her, but it still helped keep me with him longer than I should have. I just let her have her say when it was over but didn’t absorb it.
I’m totally free of him, yes! We spoke for a few months after but I faded out of his life as quickly as I could.
I still need to work on self esteem, but I did very quickly start doing better after I split up with him. Still lots of work to do, but I’m starting to see more clearly what I need from a therapist now.
Thanks again, glad I found this site 😊

[Prycejosh1987]

I get the feelings your ex has been worked in his mind by negative situations. I would be the same, because women have done a lot of evil things towards me, but i am calm, relaxed and think of every person as different, both women and men of all ages.

You may need to support him and rescue him if possible. The death of anyone certainly to suicide or self harming is a problem. Just help as much as you can if possible. Just learn better for next time, and next sure it doesnt happen in your next relationship. All the best.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Prycejosh1987

I get the feelings your ex has been worked in his mind by negative situations. I would be the same, because women have done a lot of evil things towards me, but i am calm, relaxed and think of every person as different, both women and men of all ages.

You may need to support him and rescue him if possible. The death of anyone certainly to suicide or self harming is a problem. Just help as much as you can if possible. Just learn better for next time, and next sure it doesnt happen in your next relationship. All the best.

He was abusing her. And they aren’t even together. He is her ex partner. Why are you suggesting she supports him , rescues him and helps him? Why is that?

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by Prycejosh1987

I get the feelings your ex has been worked in his mind by negative situations. I would be the same, because women have done a lot of evil things towards me, but i am calm, relaxed and think of every person as different, both women and men of all ages.

You may need to support him and rescue him if possible. The death of anyone certainly to suicide or self harming is a problem. Just help as much as you can if possible. Just learn better for next time, and next sure it doesnt happen in your next relationship. All the best.

If women have done "evil" things to you, that is your issue. This woman is in an abusive relationship. She doesnt need to learn better for next time or support and rescue him,

[Rive.]

There is no need to feel stupid for feeling the way you do.

He was highly manipulative and yes, in my books, abusive. That would scar anyone, so don't be hard on yourself.

I'm glad you got out of that situation.