Trying to help my nephew

Those are good insights. I see progress (in terms of detachment and options) from your earlier posts.

Slightly off topic, but @openeyes , tried this exercise you mentioned today, when I needed to "reset", and it really did dissipate some stress, so thanks for that. It's really important to have strategies like this, and that's something that can be done much quicker than other strategies I have
@seesaw , I hope your brother is open to your suggestions! It's horrible to feel resented by parents. Your brother and nephew are lucky to have their sister/auntie so determined to help. I hope things get better, and you get some peace, and receive some gratitude

I went over to pick up my dog this morning, but we didn't have enough time alone to broach any of the things I wanted to talk about. But I will see him this weekend, alone, so hopefully I can talk to him then. The boys had a good time with my dog, and my brother said he thinks it helped a bit. So that's good.

@KBMK it does work and it seems weird and simple but it geniunely releases that pent up negative energy. Stress can get us all balled up and frustrated and by doing this exercise we are taking a physical action and it releases and calms down that urge to do something buildup. Our bodies are designed to react so doing this exercise releases that need for action. It helps clear the mind too which is why many who problem solve do so while walking. This is especially good for ADHD because the physical need to move is stronger. And that's why those with ADHD tend to rant and rage more, it's how they relieve that built up stress in themselves.

Often because that urge is stronger in ADHD and they don't know what that means, thats when they slam doors, punch walls, and become active. The fight flight uges are stronger in them than the average individual.
My husband literally HATES it when he is immobilized, he drove the staff at the hospital crazy and they literally had to lock him in his room. When my husband has pent up frustration, he brings it home and slams the door and heads to the kitchen and makes noise with dishes and cleans, that's his way of calming himself down, much like that exercise.

I don't mean to turn this thread back into that focus but I think that part of her brother's problem is not understanding this and it's something he may get triggered by unknowingly. If his son can hear his therapy sessions, he is absorbing and he has no way to fix it so he is building up pent up frustrations. And that means he gets these urges to experience some kind of motion for a release and if he can't have that he gets worse. And with his son going back and forth from one upset parent to another, his frustrations keep building inside of him and he has no place to get active to relieve it.

This has affected her nephew's sense of well being, he is absorbing too much and then he gets punished in ways that only immobilize him even more. That doesn't work for this type of individual. And now the one place he escaped to and probably got comforting was his girlfriend and now that is being taken away from him as well. It's no wonder his grades are dropping. And what's the punishment? Immobalization and that's only going to make it worse for him. If her brother is worried about his son leaving at 18? It's most likely exactly what he will do. And her brother better PRAY his son doesn't gravitate to drinking with friends, that's going to become something that will become an even bigger problem.

It can be hard to stand outside and see the dysfunction, and even as seesaw mentioned having the urge to say "hey, this is what you signed up for when you became a parent". However, a lot of parents genuinely miss important things and they only think they are parenting but in reality they are not parenting the child that struggles with adhd or whatever correctly.

All my childhood and into my teen years I saw my older brother abused and punished and I KNEW he needed HELP and was not a bad child. I literally prayed constantly for someone to see what he needed and step in and help him. What I was praying for was an advocate however, at that time that did not exist for children like my brother who had severe adhd. He was treated like he was stupid, however, I know if he was tested by today's standards they would have discovered he actually had genuis level IQ.

Parenting isn't about getting children to obey and live according to what a parent decides. Parenting is paying attention to your child and parenting them according to how they best function and helping them learn about themselves so they can develop their own healthy identity.

seesaw is paying attention, noticed how her nephew responded to medication, how he got so frustrated he started to cut. That's a red flag that the medication is NOT working, but instead is probably working against him. The answer was definitely NOT to increase the medication, more than likely it's not helping and making it worse.

This pandemic is immobilizing and for children and teens like her nephew, that is going to have a very negative affect. There is NO or very little motion, no going from one classroom to the next, no walking the school halls, no socializing, no sports or other physical outlets. The campuses are being restricted, so there is no walking and interacting on campuses. There is only just so much our youth can handle remotely with no true way of being active. Add to that how they are often exposed to their parents having relationship problems? Parents that are too distracted by their own relationship issues that most social interactions are NEGATIVE?

Well, at least the dog helped a little because of it's motion and ability to be receptive. But that's not enough in this situation, these boys need a release that is being ignored.

That went downhill really fast. I just got a call that they are at the ER with my nephew because he threatened SI. I discussed with my brother putting him in a residential treatment facility - that can often be the best way for him to decompress, and the family to decompress. But what I'm hearing is just too volatile of a situation. I want to keep him out of the hospital psych ward, and out of the juvenile justice system. This is a better option than those two, and this is far beyond what Aunt Seesaw's peer support can do. Residential treatment is a bit like summer camp, so that could be a good environment for him. Ug.

So sorry to hear that Seesaw. I hope your brother takes your suggestion, and your nephew can get some time to process things in a safe space.

Yeah, he has agreed with me. I explained to him what the process would be like briefly last night.

Well, this is apparently a behavioral hospital, so he can be there longer and they do have some capacity for treatment. But I need to get my brother to stop trying to control my nephew's recovery.

Honestly, my brother is kind of being a jerk. He is just unloading and unloading and unloading on me. Like I'm some kind of emotional trashcan for him. When we talk, I try to help in the best way I know how, which is telling him what I know about this process. And he just always seems to want to yell at me about stuff. And there's nothing I can say. Honestly, I cannot do this anymore. This is why I avoid contact with most of my FOO because of this crappy way they treat each other. He got back in touch with me when he's going through a nasty divorce because he needs someone locally, family, on his side, for support. But it's all one-sided. He gets to just rip into me whenever he feels like it.

He has no clue what I go through on a daily basis with my psychiatric disabilities, and I try to help him in the best way I know how, and it's always just responding by yelling at me with all this defensiveness (when I haven't even said anything - like he says something then just starts yelling defending himself and I haven't said anything at all - and I have never said anything to at all suggest anything is his fault to be defensive over). It's all about him and his family and what they are going through. He doesn't have any clue, not one iota, of what I deal with daily.

I want to be there for him, but I cannot continue having one-sided conversations where it's all about him and his divorce and his kids. And I'm tired of being a punching bag when I'm trying to help.

Its weird how after we spend so much time in therapy, i kinda expected that my brother and i would speak the same language or somehow be able to acknowledge our shared experience, but it isnt like that at all. Its more like walking thru a mine field, which is so cliché, but... maybe like a bouncy house. No balancing. Every move sends you flying in an unexpected direction.

Some people progress in therapy, and others don't. I don't know how much therapy he's been going through, and I suspect it's not really anything more than having someone listen to him vent/rant.

I freaking swear. Well, I guess we're going back to being estranged. That makes me very sad that I won't be able to support my nephew because his father is too screwed up to care how others feel.

And of course I told him how I felt and he started attacking me. He says he "cautiously" let me back in...Dude, you called me for support. I didn't beg your *** for help or contact or anything. I was perfectly fine with no contact. And while I will be again, I'm upset at what this might do to my nephew. I don't want to abandon him.

At least I don't need to question anymore. My family is truly screwed up, and I'm not making this crap up.

I so hear you. You are not making this up, and i think this shows how much work you have put into resolving family issues, and he simply did not.

You are making resolution (by listening to all sides) your mission in life; his is just control: listen to ME.

Your brother is not ready to be receptive the way you would like. Right now he has too many anchors weighing him down and he is looking for a presence to dump some of them on. He may be in therapy but he isn't at a stage in therapy where he has gained any actual skills yet.

He isn't at a place where he is capable of seeing YOUR pain or challenges either. He has too many weights he is carrying of his own that he has no idea how to let go of. It's very much like trying to rescue a drowning person and when you get near them all they can do is pull you down instead of allowing you to save them.

Seriously the drowning person metaphor is spot on. But it's not just that. This isn't new stuff. He tried to bring stuff up from the past and say that I got angry out of nowhere and cut him off, and I was like that BS. Before I cut off contact entirely I had more than one conversation with you in which I confronted you for using me. When we reconnected he pretended not to know things that I had told him, and I'm just like, if you really didn't know these things or don't remember them then it's just proof that you didn't really care at all because I told you these things. We had intense conversations in which I told you these things.

And last night I said flat out to him, here are exactly the things that I specifically said to you before. I'm not going to let you pretend they didn't happen or I didn't say them directly to you anymore. When we reconnected and he pretended not to remember (or honestly didn't bc he's a self absorbed jerk) I let it slide because I thought "new day, that's in the past, fresh start). Then last night when I told him he was being hurtful and he starts attacking me, I just decided enough was enough. He doesn't get to make me into a villain or the bad guy.

It's 100% like before. No one has any problems but him. No one has feelings but him.

I didn't send nasty messages or anything. I just said here is what happened and here are the things you claim not to have known or remember. And since you don't care that you hurt me unless there is evidence, here are the things you are doing right now that are hurtful. And the thing is, even before I sent that I said to him that I struggle with severe mental illness on a daily basis, and he has never asked how I'm really doing or cared, and he didn't even acknowledge that. Just went on the attack.

He's not safe. I won't be around him. I gave it a shot. But I've sacrificed my life enough for this screwed up family, and I will not continue to do so.

The hard part of this challenge for you is your nephew. That's always been what challenged me the most and can trigger me is how I want to help the individual who is struggling and doesn't deserve it. Be it an animal, a child or another individual who is being abused and doesn't deserve it.

The more narcissistic a person is, the more they tend to blame everyone else. They often see things in a very distorted way. It's all about how THEY feel, and they tend to take up space and have everything be about THEM.

When they are angry they don't see beyond their own feelings, they rage and look for anyone they can rage to, even if it's someone weak or struggling, doesn't matter. They are very much like someone drowning and they will pull anyone down with them.

If you observe this happening, it can get VERY TRIGGERING.

It's really sad your brother's treating you that way @seesaw . I agree with your points about narcissistic blaming @openeyes . It does sound narcissistic, and very painful. I hope you can connect to your nephew somehow, but if you're being divided because of his dad, that really isn't the same as you abandoning him

I don't know that my brother is a narcissist. I don't want to use labels. Regardless of labels it is abusive behavior, or user behavior. I only exist to him to provide him whatever he needs. And he gets mad like, oh I have kids and a family and I have to put them first. No, sorry, if you want relationships with people then you have to work on them. So he was willing to sacrifice our relationship, then acted like he wanted to reconcile, when all he really wanted was for me to be a blank person without needs for him to lean on. I want to help and support him, but I'm not putting myself at risk or letting it be detrimental to my own well being. When we first got back in contact and had this serious conversation, he blamed his ex wife for alienating him from his family. I just stayed silent because while she may have done that, he let her, and he still didn't apologize for his behavior. Just blamed it on her. So like my feelings don't matter because his wife made him do it.

No, he alienated himself. He is choosing to be how he is right now. Choosing to lash out at people who try to help. I didn't come back in his life begging for attention. I was surprised when he texted me and a little hopeful to see my nephews. His words to me were that he was going through a divorce and wanted support. At least I've learned that lesson. I should have called that out when he said it, and said something to the effect of, I'm not here to be your therapist, but I am here for a two way relationship. But if you're just looking for one-sided support then you need to talk to your therapist and not me.

It's so ****ed up, and yet I'm still so used to the abuse that I still have to ask others if I'm being unreasonable. And when I tell them what happened, they are like, no way that's wrong.

OE, could you please focus on giving me support instead of trying to analyze and make it okay for my brother to be an abusive person? "Let me speculate all the reasons your brother acts like this so you can understand him" is not helpful right now. His behavior, regardless of what triggers it, are HIS responsibility and he has to own them.

I'm trying to get support for myself and when you focus in on the person hurting me and giving all these excuses for why they hurt me, it's really triggering and does not help. So can we please refocus this to be about supporting me and not excusing him?

Thanks

I don't think there was any labeling... it seemed like useful observations to me. It's a shame there is so much confusion about narcissism, as it isn't intrinsically unhealthy! It's actually a problem if someone's healthy narcissism is wounded, so they are confused about their healthy entitlement etc. We do ALL have needs, and it's not so easy getting them met.
Sorry you are getting triggered @seesaw . This thread is about you, and your nephew. It's not clear to me how anyone can best support you with this. I really think you have done him lots of good, especially in getting him more appropriate treatment. Sorry that your brother isn't on the same page, and understanding where you're coming from. It does sound very upsetting.

Well, support and validation that it's okay to protect myself are what I need. But there is this tendency to try and psychoanalyze the person doing their harm and list out all the excuses for their behavior. I really don't care why he is being hurtful or abusive or a user. I cannot fix him, so the reasons why are of no use to me. What is of use to me is figuring out how to set my boundaries and protect myself.

It's not OK, that he is being abusive. I am not defending how he is behaving. I am actually agreeing with you about how you have a right to distance from him, that you can't be his punching bag. You are absolutely right in that your brother has to be responsible for his own behaviors.

Thanks, OE. I appreciate that. He hasn't responded to my last texts from last night in which I reminded him of the "specifics" he quite conveniently forgot and the "specifics" of what he has done recently. I don't care if he does reply or not, but I'm trying to figure out what to say if he does respond. I figure that it will likely be more escalating and blame and deflection or misdirection, and honestly I just want it to stop. I don't really want to have any more communication with him unless he is willing to take ownership of his behaviors and his past actions. So do I just say that and leave it be?

I do not have the strength to dive into this crap with him right now either. And I'm certainly not dropping everything so that we can have a conversation that will almost certainly have a massive impact on my mental state.

So if there is a response, how do I respond?

Of course, it is good, and very important to protect yourself. You can't fix him, and can only help him, if he wants to be helped.
It's a tough one figuring out boundaries. I still want to help my brother. Even though he has been very volatile and unstable. I understand how our upbringing has wounded him.
We are pretty estranged at the minute. Sometimes I pop round to see how he is, and if he's non-responsive I go off, and sometimes we have a laugh (not for a little while). It's not like walking on eggshells, or a minefield, or anything anymore. That bouncy castle (bounce house ?) description is pretty fitting (thanks @unaluna if it was you who said that).
It might help to decide on some ultimatums...like what you will have to do, if he behaves in a certain way.

I think it's good to decide what you are willing to respond to. If you can't respond to blame, deflection etc. And want to respond if it's about other things (your nephew, his progress, asking how you are etc.) That's totally fine. If he's doing the things that trigger you, maybe you could tell him "I can't talk with you, when you are like this." Or something?