Need support through leaving my abusive husband, please

@MisterPaul, thank you. This is good advice. I hadn't thought of it from the perspective of me striking first. But you're right - he will take it as an insult and a slight if I unfriend him now.

Avoiding the battles - for some reason, I feel the need to stand up to his lies and BS and to confront him on all his BS. So I continue to engage in the battle. But I know it's futile. He just keeps lying more and more. He lies to cover up the first lie and so it's all one big web of lies.

ALL I have done since our separation is berate him and be mean to him. Yet he STILL pleads with me, declaring his "undying love", regardless of how mean I am to him.

Given how I've treated him over the last 2 months, I cannot imagine ANYONE wanting to come back to me. I have let loose and I have not held back. He was cruel to. me, so I am mean back in response. Eye for an eye.

So his so called words of love are BS. I know this. He simply wants control and power over me. He wants me back so he can be in control again and so that HE can be the one to leave, if he chooses. I know this for a fact.

He is an abusive narcissist and he must have all the power and control and be in charge of the decisions. He left his first marriage and he left the next woman after her too. I am sure that it drives him BANANAS that he is not the one choosing to leave our relationship and marriage. He's lost all control and I am sure that is making him insane.

What I also know: his love is NOT real. His love is ALL about power and control over me, just like every other abuser. So his words of so called love even cause pain for me. It's false love... sure, he may actually care for me in his own twisted, warped way... but all this pleading is about CONTROL.

It makes me grieve the loss of a love I never had.

He tells you he left them but you have no evidence of that. Pretty sure it’s not what happened. Even If he left, which I doubt, it could be cause they stopped doing what he wanted them to do like paying his debt or bills or who knows what. I am sure he’ll tell his next girlfriend he left you too and moved out because you were out of control crazy or something else of that nature. I’d not believe a word he says to anyone.

If you were married and filed jointly then return is not his. It’s both of yours. In addition why would he even get a return? You have no kids no student loans don’t pay alimony and do not own property and you both make loads of money. Why would you get a return? Well maybe this year because of unemployment, so it will be yours not even his. Weird.

True enough - who really knows who left whom. I have no doubt he will claim that he left me and that I am bat crazy. NO doubt.

I am filing married but separate, I decided. I want NO further contact with him, and filing jointly only just forces us to remain in touch. I told him to go ahead and file separately last night. I don't care if I have to pay OR if he gets some sort of refund I could have split with him. It's worth it to me to not have to see him or speak with him.

Abusers are emotional vampires; they need a steady supply.....that supply.....is you responding to his craziness. He can't argue with someone who refuses to engage. Next time you feel the urge to respond imagine a giant STOP sign in your head; that might work. You are using all of your precious energy for nothing....he NEEDS to be always right; you cannot fight that

I LOVE your suggestion of a STOP sign!!!!! Love it! I am going to use that!

And you're correct: I cannot fight someone who has to be right.

At first he tried to tell me that he couldn't get anyone to help him move the remainder of his belongings out on Sunday, like we have agreed upon and decided over two weeks ago. He claimed it's Superbowl Sunday, and that no one could help him. Initially, he had said that his lawyer friend can help him move the heavier items to the curb. That was the plan. Then he changed and that supposedly fell through.

I am SO sick of this!!!!!!!! Just get your crap out of my home and be done with moving already. For Christ's sakes. I am exasperated with him. He's just trying to anger me and to drag this out as long as he possibly can!

So I pushed him and pushed him on this and said your stuff MUST be out this weekend! PERIOD! I am SO DONE.

I really want to scream at him and throttle him. He has made this entire process torturous for me. IF he had only just hired movers he could have been out of here in a matter of days. Instead he drags it out for TWO FULL MONTHS, forcing ME to be in touch with him this entire time.

I am LIVID and am seething with hatred towards him.

Just GET OUT of my freaking life already!!!!!!!

Of course he's fallen down on black ice and hurt himself. So he cannot come tonight after work as planned. Of course!!!! Always an excuse!

I have a friend dying of terminal cancer, I just found out. I have a fly infestation problem in my apartment.

I am going freaking nuts at this stage. I really cannot deal with life any more. I want to disappear. This must end.

Then he asked me to place all his laundry from the basement into garbage bags for him. Once again asking ME to do HIS dirty work and to help him with moving out. That's HIS job - NOT MINE. I am SO fed up with him.

I have ZERO patience left. I am premenstrual and want to scream and throw things. I am done with this crap and this life. I want out.

Why is his laundry in your basement if he hasn’t lived there for two months? That was rhetorical question. This man....smh

It's been down there for a year or more. He never cleaned it up or washed it.

I don’t even pretend to understand. So it’s not clean laundry? Why is he storing dirty laundry in the basement? Like his clothes? So weird....

I don't even know. It's a box of clothing in the basement where our laundry is. He is a slob and he is not responsible. I had to remind him to do his laundry and push him to clean up after himself. He is a child! Don't even try to understand - all you need to know is that he never grew up and wants a mommy.

When is he coming one last time? Praying that it’s soon.

NO to putting his stuff in bags

I definitely said NO to helping him. He can move on his own. He is coming tomorrow after work, then maybe on Sat and definitely on Sunday. That SHOULD be the end of it.

I think delaying getting his stuff out is all part of his game, sadly. If he really wanted to cut ties he’d have either taken it or abandoned it in your apartment by now. Do you know where he’s currently living? If so you might want to look into arranging getting it shifted to the new place and be DONE! Apologies if this idea isn’t an option, though, but I know other people in your shoes have got so fed up they did it. Hell, if I lived anywhere nearby I’d be hiring a van and moving his crap for you. I might not even care if I didn’t have an address to dump it lol.

The deadline I gave him is Sunday, and it looks like he should have everything out by then. I cannot afford to ship anything or move anything myself. I am still on unemployment benefits and must rely on him to move it all out. It should be done soon though. And yes, if I hadn't pushed him HARD to get it all out by the deadline, he would have dragged it out further.

It’s simply rude not to pick one’s stuff right away. What if the lease was closing up? Would he be going back and forth for 2 months? Landlord wouldn’t let him. You move out and turn the key in regardless if it’s rental or the house you sell or you end a relationship. It’s unheard of to invade someone’s place like this showing up like that. Such violation of privacy. I am in my sweats now chilling, Id be livid if I had to have people over or had to leave my house, no way, it’s not ok for anyone showing up in my place tonight after work, then Saturday, then Sunday. Despicable.

It just tells you what kind of person he is. Jerk. I hope this is the last relationship when you are that unreasonably nice to someone. F...this

I don’t think it’s that I’ve been too nice. I did not have a choice. I’ve said many times that I can’t force him to do anything.

I meant all through marriage. I don’t mean it as a bad thing per se. But I think you were way too nice and accommodating all along since you’ve met him. You are just a very nice person, not a bad thing but I hate people taking advantage of you. Sadly that’s what people like your husband do. He knows you can’t force him. That’s why he does whatever he wants. So that’s why I said don’t be too nice from day one. Not saying be nasty, just not “too nice” and “too accommodating”. Don’t bend backwards. It’s not worth it in a long run

I agree but only to an extent. The threat of him exploding in anger and rage kept me at bay and accommodating. You have to understand the abusive dynamic which creates an atmosphere of fear and intimidation.

Oh I get it. I don’t suggest you stand up to him at all. Not right now. I meant from the very beginning try not to be too nice and accommodating with people before you even know them and get tied up with them, friendships and relationships.

I hear you!!! And agreed!

If there's anything I learned from my mother, never run back to an abuser. He may have done nice things for you during your marriage. But, staying with him will just make you miserable. My mom was with my ex stepfather for seven miserable years. She was supposed to have filed for divorce back in 2003 (but only got a limited divorce which is a separation here in MD). She never did. Stayed at his new place for about 8 months after we lost the home we all lived in and it was a disaster. The same arguing and bickering that took place at our old place started happening at his house. It was awful.

What I am now afraid of is missing him once we truly go silent. Once he gets the rest of his stuff out, there will be very little reason to contact one another. It's something I've been really looking forward to, but also dreading. I pray I don't miss having the connection with him.