Need support through leaving my abusive husband, please

You are doing the right thing because this is NOT how a good marriage or relationship looks at all. And you likely know it.

Actually there is no right or wrong thing. It just whatever works for people. Is this working for you? Not imagining how things will change. But how things are now?

Of course we can’t tell you not to get back with him but there will be more of the same

Yes.... these are all really valid points! I needed to hear this. I definitely do not like that he recorded me. That irks me to no end and bothers me immensely. It's like he's building a case against me.

He probably DOES have an agenda and ulterior motive - I can't imagine someone wanting to come back after all that I've unloaded on him.

Ugh - I do need to quit it. I can't seem to help myself sometimes.

It's not working for me. Not at all. Well, certain parts worked, and a lot did not work. I miss the certain parts that worked.

I’m bored. I’m lonely. This SUCKS.

COVID makes life hard even if you didn’t have this situation. It’s temporary. It will go to normal

It sure does. Ugh ugh ugh.

I need live music again. I need to be out and can’t. It’s making me nuts.

S, here it is. I am drinking more these days. A lot more. And after several drinks is when the texting starts on my part. I let him have it, after several days of silence. And it's getting me nowhere except to let out my anger and blow off steam.

Now he's saying that no other woman has told him he treats women poorly - BS. I once again told him he is abusive and an abuser, and he goes into denial, and says things like "and you are perfect?" It only just angers me more.

When I point out his "insane anger and rage" he turns it around on me and says I am behaving with insane anger and rage.

Then he points out that I am drinking more. And he says things like "who calls the police?" And you were inebriated - he recorded it. He has a comeback for everything I say, and it's all DEFLECTION.

It's a vicious cycle.

I wish I could tape my hands together whenever I feel like texting him after a few drinks. And now I am abusing alcohol in order to cope.

Some days I feel I am coping better than on other days. And the fact of the matter is I am in withdrawal from our relationship. I text him when it's been several days of silence. It's almost like I want that connection, even if it's a negative interaction and even if it's to give him more hell, which he deserves.

And I just LOVE how he admitted to all the abuse in July - and now he's backtracking. He's totally backtracking and is in denial of it all, which is infuriating to me.

I know that trying to get an abuser to own up is like trying to get blood from a rock. I KNOW THIS already, but I keep trying to get him to own up, regardless. It's a wasted effort. I must see this. What's the freaking point?

I did tell him that he hasn't lived up to what I expected in a husband or a marriage - and for that, I am glad.

What is it you need to hear from him, and what difference would it make in your decision to divorce him?

GOOD questions!!!!!

It makes no difference in my decision to divorce him. I suppose I just want him to take responsibility for his abuse. He acknowledged it back in July when I faced him with a divorce then. Now he's backpedaling and is deflecting all responsibility onto me again, which is infuriating.

I sent him a note this morning saying as much. I know it won't make a difference. But it felt good to say it to him, nonetheless.

Because you are divorcing he has no incentive to take responsibility for abuse and doing so would not be in his best interest for self protection during a divorce. But, considering the assets to be divided are minimal and no children, nothing really matters for what is said and won’t get anyone any more money or anything to legally battle over. You ended it. Try to control the alcohol as a bad coping mechanism and don’t text him anymore.

Thanks, @TishaBuv. I want to file for an uncontested no fault divorce since it's the quickest and cheapest way. In a contested fault divorce, then the abuse would matter.

He claims he is willing to go to therapy to make this work. He would have to acknowledge his abuse and problems in order for therapy to even work.

But it's a moot point. He replied and still will not acknowledge it. He waters it all down to "verbal disagreements". BS.

He isn’t going to take a responsibility or agree with your assessment of what was wrong. He isn’t going to. He admitted things in July to get you off his back. Going by what you shared he believes that you both at fault how things got off hand. You can’t make him think otherwise.

And it doesn’t really matter what he thinks. People don’t need to agree on why relationship is wrong. They don’t even have to both agree that it is wrong. I left people who didn’t think relationship was wrong at all. But it was not right for me.

If you two were able to agree on things, you’d not be apart now and sure wouldn’t have as many fights. You don’t see things the same. And I don’t see why it would change now when you aren’t together?

What does your therapist say? How could you shift your focus to getting things in your own life under control: job, file for divorce, healthier life style? How to take those steps?

I do get it how frustrated you are. But maybe, I don’t know, lock your phone in a car or something to keep yourself from texting. If you send texts under influence, you might say something you’ll regret. And he is likely saves them all to use for whatever he wants to use them for. Not sure for what but af the very least to humiliate you

There is zero reason to have contested divorce. There is nothing to contest here. Even if you can prove abuse, what is being contested with no property, no assets, no kids, no money and a marriage was very short lived? That’s the only thing that people contest: custody, property and assets. I am not really understanding why contested divorce was being brought up at all. Maybe there is something I am missing. I’d not stress myself about it and would just go for typical no fault divorce.

Plus it’s extremely hard to prove abuse in absence of collected evidence. He is an ***** but that might not be enough for a proof

I suspect the fact of police being called might not be enough and he has recordings now that might play against you.

Honestly I’d just try to go for getting it over with so you can move on.

I know. You are correct. I have been talking to a brick wall for the last month.

I need to figure it out in therapy I suppose - what it is I truly seek and want at this point from him.

I am closer to hiring a lawyer now. I asked my ex to have his lawyer draft the divorce agreement and then I will have my own lawyer read it over and negotiate any points.

I know I will slow down on my drinking as soon as I am coping better. It's an unhealthy coping mechanism I lean on through the tough times... I am well aware of it being unhealthy. I am trying my best.

And yeah, I am sure he is saving my texts for whatever purpose and reason. But his family and friends do not matter to me, if he shares them with them. As long as he doesn't share them with anyone within our shared social circle - that's what matters to me.

He might share texts with friends if he finds out you told them about him being an abuser. I’d stop texting all together

I do not know the divorce process. I did not know what contested and uncontested divorce even means. I am learning.

Yes, but I have texts saved too - 40 of them!!! LOL.

I get it. I am just saying if you say anything questionable in these texts like calling him names or cussing at him and stuff he could say it “doesn’t look like I am an abuser” especially if texts are initiated by you.

I just want you to be careful

Thank you.

Unfortunately, it's too late - I've said it all. I've cursed him out and I've slammed him hard for what he's done. If he sends any of the texts iv'e sent to anyone, it will be obvious that he's been hurtful to me, though.

Online Divorce — File for Divorce Without a Lawyer Today (2020)

Lawyers aren’t necessarily even needed in some divorces. IDK anything about this company that I posted the link, but check it out. I like the idea, too, of his lawyer drawing up the papers, and yours approving it. There’s so little to negotiate; some furniture, debt?, the car will be put in his name and he will have to pay on it. Anything else to negotiate?

My mother used to say to me, “I’ll break your fingers off if you dial out”. This was when I was young and called boys, chasing them, ugh. She was only kidding about being violent, just the way she was. But, same idea for you. Tell yourself your fingers should fall off before you dial out again.

Also, no lawyer or judge will look at those texts. Only if they are threatening, police may intervene and Restraining Order. It doesn’t matter in your divorce. Maybe in one with custody issues, it may be used to show a parent’s instability. And, assume he will show those texts to your circle of friends... You’ll lose those friends if you and he draw them in to your issues.

Thanks, @TishaBuv.

He insists on having his lawyer, so that means I have to have one. He's got something up his sleeve.

The car he cannot place in his name - he is bankrupt with bad credit and has no one else who can co-sign for him. I could potentially take his car away once my car lease ends this coming summer. A lawyer advised me of doing so. I don't know yet - I need to get him to agree to pay for my health insurance, unless another stimulus package is passed and I get extra unemployment funds to cover it. Those are the two points for negotiation between the lawyers.

I will stop texting him. It's pointless now and I am only talking to a brick wall who continues to lie to me.

NO texts I sent were threatening. Just anger and rage. I don't think he will share them with our circle unless he is provoked to do so. No one I've told the truth to would tell him, oh she says you were abusive. That's not their style.

Yeah courts will not care about those especially if people are fighting after they already separated. It’s not uncommon to get nasty when emotions are raw.

Yeah, I am sure of that too. I haven't really said anything that's incriminating.

People CAN finance cars after bankruptcy. It’s harder but doable. Interest will be higher. Not every lender will go for it. But it’s not prohibitive. My husband had bankruptcy and he always leased a car. He was the only one working and had to commute so obviously he needed a car.

He could also buy used car. He could also look for other co-signers. He has family. He can live like other people live. I don’t buy his BS excuses. He doesn’t make enough so I have to cover for him. He can’t buy a car so I have to co sign. He can’t pay for things so I’ll pay for them. How do other people live? How do men live who don’t have a woman to carry him???

No more excuses. He is almost 50 years old, he needs to figure out his life like the rest of the world. He isn’t 22 right after college. If he is old enough to keep finding women he is old enough to live well without them carrying him. How he is getting a car shouldn’t be your concern. If he is in such a bad shape in life then he needs to fix his life first, not look for women. When I struggled, I worked two jobs and did bunch of side jobs and searched for better pay. I sure wasn’t dating or looking for a man. I had no time! He should devote his time to getting his act together. Not getting high or going to concerts or looking for women to screw. I can’t stand this guy and this kind of life style.

He’ll have to hustle like the rest of us. Don’t worry about how he will manage

One lawyer and my therapist think I should take his car once my car lease ends next summer. So I would simply take over his lease and take his car. Then he will have to figure out how to get a car on his own. I am leaning in this direction. I cannot carry two leases at once, but I can turn my car in once lease ends and take over his.

He can learn how to stand on his own two feet. OR find another woman to mooch off of. I don't care. He is a leech and a parasite.