Need support through leaving my abusive husband, please

Yes - and like you said, it takes strength. And for me, it would take great strength.

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Originally Posted by Have Hope Yes - and like you said, it takes strength. And for me, it would take great strength.

Actually it is also about mind set. We make our choices based on our mindset & it can be mindfully changed when what we are doing is harmful to our self. That takes determination.

I do see your point!!! Thank you.

You can say that you have to go whenever he starts stupid talk. “I got to go.” End of story

He’ll not say or admit or validate or do what you want him to say or do. He’d not be soon to be ex if he said and did the right things. You still want him to be someone he is not. It’s not happening

I know - I keep expecting him to behave like a sane person, but he is not sane.

He's acting quite insane in fact. He doesn't listen to me anyways. He ignores everything i say and keeps trying to argue and convince me, regardless of what I tell him. He asked if I had feelings for him still the other day, so i told him, no, I only feel disgust, disdain and loathing towards you. Yet he STILL tries. He's not right in the head.

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I know - I keep expecting him to behave like a sane person, but he is not sane.

You do know the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over EXPECTING different results

I know. I haven't been doing this consciously. It's partially the cognitive dissonance at play. He can act like a rational adult human being at times, and then not at all at other times.

I also am curious how and why this female got fired from her job - the one he had a little affair with. Of course I cannot believe what HE tells me, but it's curious to me how she got herself fired. I may have even played a role in it given the message I left her at work once I discovered their affair.

I suppose I may feel SLIGHTLY guilty if I played a role in getting her fired, but it's THEY who broke the work policies.

On a far brighter note, the recruiter from a company I just interviewed with told me I am their top preferred candidate! And if I pass the next and final round of interviews, that they will extend an offer!

What's incredible to me is that they gave me a test exercise to complete. Now, in the past, I have failed all such tests during the interview process. I walked them through my findings, suggestions and conclusions and they liked what I had to say! They also liked my direct and forward manner. I was very direct. They too, are direct and so they appreciated my candor.

It's a large company (over 20,000 people) and an established company (over 30 years old). The salary is good and the company is based out of where I live, so eventually I would be able to commute to an office.

I'm excited!!!!

IF I get the job offer, I will LITERALLY break down in tears of gratitude and joy. It's been five months on the job search, I have prayed nearly every day for a job offer, and this will solve several major problems in my life right now.

If she was fired for an affair then he’d be fired too.

Plus if they are not in subordinate and boss situation it would likely be just a warning, she’d likely tell them she didn’t know he was still married and they didn’t to anything explicit, just texting. There is no actual evidence of affair (what he did is bad but he likely told his work that nothing happened and his wife is deranged and jealous of all women). Likely no one got in trouble. He was maybe told to make sure his wife doesn’t call his work place and leave messages.

He is a liar. She invited him for thanksgiving. No one invites married affair partner for family holidays. He told her he is going through divorce/separation and is all alone. Why else invite him for event that people always spend with family

It’s just a lay off as she is the newest hire and they were laying people off. I think. Or she left for a better job. For all you know she maybe went elsewhere so they can continue the affair. And he probably told his work that his wife is crazy and unstable and he is divorcing and she is calling around causing problems. I doubt she’d be fired for that

Good luck with job offer. It sounds exciting!!!!

Yeah- there's no way to know the real truth. Perhaps she truly was fired and it had nothing or little to do with the affair or me. He claims she did some other sleazy stuff - and that would get a person fired at his place of employment.

THANKS!!!

My a-hole narc abusive husband now claims I should have empathy for HIM. That's truly unbelievable. He hurts me, yet I should have empathy for him. WOW.

Double WOW. I am APPALLED.

Please don't ask why or chastise me but I told my husband that I just learned my ex fiance



And his reply was simply to accuse ME of not having any empathy for HIM, and of not having an ability to forgive. He couldn't even offer to me his sympathies about my ex fiance.

I told him in response that he is an absolute MONSTER. That his true colors are showing and that he doesn't deserve my forgiveness.

And then I apologized to him for my hurtful words. I have been hurling hurtful words at him all this time since our separation and it IS hurting him. In the face of my grief over my ex fiance's death, I am now very remorseful over being hurtful towards people in response to them hurting me.

My emotions are all over the place. I am at my wits end, all around. The tragic news of my ex fiance hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday. Amidst my sheer grief, I was fighting with my husband who was being a d-i-c-k. Then he turned nice and wanted to comfort me.

I cannot take anything anymore - this is far too much for me to handle at once.

Everything for me feels upside down. I am trying to remain right side up, but I feel upside down myself. I need grounding. The news shattered me yesterday. It's very close to home because I have felt just like he did at different points in my life, but I didn't act on it.

I continue to talk to my husband when I know I need far greater distance. He continues to try and convince me to stay with him. This week, I hope to do better with communicating less. It's my goal at least - and my husband has requested we stick to just divorce details, yet he keeps violating his own wishes by continuing to text me about us. And I respond.

This is a mad pattern I must exit from. I know this.

I still feel quite devastated over the news. I spoke with my ex fiance's grandmother yesterday who is shattered and still in shock. She found him. We messaged for a little while yesterday. I hadn't spoken to her in four years. I feel so badly for his grandparents. They are good people who truly cared for him like a son.

Death always has a profound influence on me and makes me deeply reflect on life. Life is SO very precious and short.

If I gained one thing from this tragic experience, it's a good reminder to me about being happy in life. I refuse to be in unhappy situations or circumstances and always have.

And there is always a way out, other than suicide. It's SO sad to me that he felt he had no option BUT. I fell in love with his potential and all that I saw in him that I thought was good, positive and amazing. I always thought he had great potential, yet he just couldn't get himself off the ground - and apparently never did, which saddens me immensely. In the beginning, I only saw the good in him and I believed in him. When we broke up, he said to me thank you for believing in me when I couldn't.

I am now completely numb. I have crossed over to another place. This is all too much for me to bare and shoulder. I'm so done.

He’s playing sad sausage/victim again, though, making your grief about him (when he’s the “author of his own despair”, so to speak, so doesn’t really deserve your sympathy at all). I’m not going to ask why you told him, you obviously have your reasons, but I will say (in the gentlest way I can), that your husband’s feelings are irrelevant to your feelings about your news (and I’m sorry it happened; even without the divorce, processing your ex fiancées death would have been tough anyway).
You’re obviously an empathetic person, but I think you should keep in mind your husband doesn’t think the same way. This was his version of “and what am I, chopped liver?”

Thank you about my ex fiance @RoxanneToto.

And thank you for pointing these things out. You're 100% correct. He made my grief all about him, which points to his narcissism. Even in my sheer and utter sadness, it had to be about him. Incredible. I wish I hadn't told him - there was no rhyme or reason. It wasn't a rational thought. I didn't think and it was a mistake.

His pleading is wearing on me. I’m not changing my mind... but it is wearing me down.

If you get offered a job, do not inform him because his pleading will intensify. If he really wanted to work on himself, he’d not beg to move back in. He’d be ok living separated and working on it. He’d respect the distance

He pleads to move back to save a buck. If you must inform him don’t tell him your salary. I hate being jaded but he can’t make it on his own and can’t find a replacement that fast so he must move back in to make it through and be able to feed his addictions

He already asking you for money and he didn’t leave that long ago. If he’d be so remorseful and so willing to improve he’d not ask you for money! What are you sugar momma, you don’t even work now

He already blew through 900 you gave him and he still didn’t hire a truck to move his stuff. He is out of money already. Don’t buy anything he is saying please and ignore the pleading

I’m definitely ignoring his pleading. I wouldn’t ever tell him my new salary. But if I get this job I must tell him so he can take me off his health insurance. I know... he seems desperate. But he wraps it all up in statements of love and missing me dearly etc etc.

Of course he does. Of course he says things he knows will work on you. I believe if he was sincere he’d be ok to seek help and do things slowly. He is asking to move back in. And that’s very telling. Nog saying he has no feelings but his urgent pleading mixed with begging you for money reveals his true agenda