Need support through leaving my abusive husband, please

Well I wouldn’t put such a strict criteria that he must make more, you’ll deny yourself some wonderful caring nurturing men who might not work in a corporate world.

I don’t think the point is how much they make. Both i and my husband are educated professionals and we make reasonable wages and we live well but we don’t make 100k each. it’s ok to earn less. It’s all the other things that weren’t ok about your husband

Your husband makes very good money yet most of his salary go to drugs, video games and eating out. That’s why he is broke. Not because he doesn’t make enough. He makes more than enough. I’d focus on men’s moral and human qualities.

Your husband relies on women to get him through even though he makes more than other men who rely on themselves and hassle to improve themselves and their life and don't depend on others

It’s really not about money as much as about their character

So you've turned into a gold digger? I'm kidding but that's really weird criteria tbh.

I’ll keep my husband. Lol he doesn’t make 100k. Hahah

Just focus on men’s characters and you’ll be good. The issue with your husband isn’t how much he makes but his character

@divine1966, I agree 100% about character. However, since my last two serious relationships involved men who used and abused me and including financially, I don't see anything wrong with wanting someone who makes more than I do. I want to be treated out. I want someone who can pay for a full vacation. I actually want these things. I do not want to have to be the one to pay for every vacation and/or nice dinner out. I want to be treated. What's wrong with that scenario?

@MisterPaul, not weird. I make a lot of money now. I've had TWO abusers who used me financially within the last 6 years. I am DONE with that scenario. So what if I want someone who is ambitious, very successful and who makes a lot of money? I don't want to be the breadwinner anymore. I am not a gold digger. I am simply raising the standards in every single way. I'm ambitious and very successful. So I want the same in a man, and I want to be treated. What's WEIRD to ME is to be the breadwinner!!! I do NOT want that. In five years, I can be making over 200K. I need my equal.

AND.... I AIM to be making over 200K in five years. Why the HELL would I want anyone who makes like 50K? They would the gold digger.

In MY field, people with 15 years experience who consult they charge $400- 500 per hour! That's where I will be in five years and I want to own my own business.

SO, Yea, hell yeah I want someone very successful, ambitious, WITH STRONG CHARACTER who happens to also make a lot of money.

Totally agree with that, though of course you should look for a man that can provide for himself and then some. Nothing wrong with going to a fancy restaurant, but if you find a lovely man worth your time and he can't affored an expensive restaurant every week, then maybe you go to a less fancy place. If you feel that that is not up to par with your standards, then you might indeed have troubles finding someone new.

You know what they say, compromise!

You sound like you want to measure people by how much they make which is... disturbing. And about that...

It sounds REALLY bad.

To YOU maybe. Not to me. And you misread my message. I said that character also has to be there too.

I smell judgement. I have not judged you, why are you judging me?

I am unapologetic about what I want and about what my standards are.

I think he's just having "a bit of fun" @Have Hope. Nothing wrong with setting standards, but it might be hard for anyone to reach them. But you are hurting now, so that's ok.

@AliceKate.

I am hurting, but I believe I can find what I want and seek in a man.

Very well, it certainly can't hurt for you to start off with high standards. And if you find a match, I will happily concede

Agreed! I have had low standards so far, so why not have them be high?

So you’ll not date or marry a nurse or a teacher? They’ll never make 200k.

I think you go from one extreme to another. You are going from supporting total losers to wanting only rich men. I agree that you have to have high standards and not support men anymore but don’t dismiss good people if they are just living reasonably and not wealthy per se

It’s good to be ambitious but if you want somebody who makes that much money it has to be only corporate job, you’ll severely limit your options. We go on nice vacations and enjoy good things and I’d never support a man but we’ll never make 200k just because of what we chose for a profession.

I’ve been to many countries and all over the US and am not rich at all. Why do you think only rich people enjoy life?

I’d not want somebody who doesn’t have a career or doesn’t work hard or lives off others or sits around doing nothing hoping his parents die and leave him inheritance but expecting specific income is just not very reasonable. I mean it could happen but I’d focus on kindness and overall compatible life style rather than wealth.

I don't get it. Why are people protesting? I want someone who makes more than I do. And I want a high quality man. I really don't get it. I am FIFTY and I have ZERO retirement money. I have to save money from now on. I am NOT going to support some man for the rest of my life. I want someone who is well off, stable and who doesn't need to live off of me.

I think you might be making not entirely correct correlation between ambition and amount of money one makes. Certain careers don’t pay as high as others if it’s a public sector or other non corporate jobs. It doesn’t mean a person isn’t ambitious if they don’t make certain amount. Ton of people are very successful in their field and make big difference every day and are ambitious but they choose careers that will never pay 200k. Many jobs are not fairly compensated but doesn’t mean the person is not ambitious or career orientated

Nothing wrong with wanting quality. But many quality men will never make 200k because that is not what they do for a living. I don’t recommend you support men at all.

It's OK. Let's get back to the main topic. We're sidetracking, and I don't really want to discuss it further on this thread.

Indeed, the main thing is that you don't go back to where you've been, because haven can turn to hell in a heart beat and you don't want a man that is using you.

@AliceKate, thank you! And you said it sista!!!

Oh, I don't judge. Why would I? What you do is what you do. I was very surprised, though. I've been following your threads for quite some time because of your NPD husband “arc” , and your values and principles were very admirable throughout the way. As much as you have cleared some things out, I'd still say that I didn't expect that money thing. I hope it's temporary, though.

@divine1966; made a great point about some men doing wonderful job, but making much less money (teachers, EMTs, police officers). Some of them are truly very ambitious individuals and they’re much better people than some rich CEOs (who, by the way, very often do have personality disorders such as NPD - that's why they're successful).

I didn't mean to sound offensive, I'm sorry. I come from a below average income family and I've met many wonderful people who were simply poor. I thought about them when I was replying to your text. If you meet an individual who is able to secure himself without your help and gives you what you truly need as a person, I would say f*** the income and stick with him. We have enough of very rich couples who are miserable.

@MisterPaul, thank you. I think I ruffled some feathers with that one.

Just so you know, character comes first.

But like I wrote above, we were getting off topic and I decided I don't want to discuss a new man on this thread. As it is, it will be a long time before I even venture towards dating again and my ideas may change by then.

At the very least, I will reiterate the fact that I don't want to be the breadwinner, and I cannot have another mooch, user or gold digger. Been there done that. Won't do it again!

My texts to him last night - I cannot help myself it seems. He keeps using the police as his excuse, and he keeps saying he was not himself after that.

So I texted him this:

If you were not yourself as you so claim after I called the police then why on earth did you act as though everything was great there on afterwards, and why on earth were you showering me with love if you were so hurt and angry? And why on earth if everything was not great did you make love to me that night and have a great time with me? Like I said, you’re full of s-h-i-t and you are lying. You just want to make me partially responsible, which does not fly with me. I call BS on all of it.

You always promised me you would let me know if there was a problem. You did not. You went behind my back instead and did something that you knew would hurt me the very most and cause me to leave you. I think you use the police as a nice excuse and a way to make me partially responsible for YOUR choice to be unfaithful. I am NOT responsible. And you acted as though everything was fine. It's all a load of bull crap - all of it.

No need to reply to this in the morning. I do not want a reply except for when you are arriving and leaving. Thank you.

So we fought again this morning, and I honestly just feel defeated. He refuses to take full ownership of his actions and it's infuriating. I blame him for the failure of our marriage and he blames me. We keep fighting about the same things over and over again.

In one week he will be fully moved out and then I won't have any reason to continue the argument and no reason to be in touch.

But it's seriously infuriating for me and I just cannot win. You cannot win with a narcissist who has to win at all costs.

I told him I am not buying his version of what happened.

He had promised that he would let me know if there were a problem between us. He did not inform me that there was a problem at all - instead he love bombed me and showered me with love and affection after I called the police. So IF he WERE SO UPSET about my calling the police, one would think that he would have acted distant and angry with me, but he did not! I am NOT buying it. And IF he were so angry and hurt like he claims, why did he just not talk to me about it and bring it up as he promised he would? He's completely lying. He's leaning on the police as a way to make ME partially responsible for HIS decision to cheat.

NO - instead he chose to have a little affair with his coworker. And instead he claims "you have NO idea what you calling the police did to me".

So I told him he has broken many promises, he's lied and he's betrayed me.

He tried to be friends recently and even offered me half of his tax refund. I said NO. He's still trying to offer me his help in any way he can. He offered to pay for my cable bill this month. He offered half his refund, and he took my trash barrels to the curb yesterday. He had bought me fly tape for the fly problem in my apartment and put it up throughout my home. I did not ask him for help. NOT once.

So, when do I unfriend him on Facebook? I am only friends with him now to make sure he doesn't post anything nasty about me or about the divorce. At some point, I will need to unfriend him and disconnect - do I wait until the divorce is over? I am not ready to unfriend him just yet - but soon.

Don't unfriend him, don't do anything that may trigger him. It's SO POINTLESS. He will strike if you throw the first punch (even when it's not a punch). You can unfollow him and he won't know. Try to ignore him as much as you can and make this transition as smooth as possible. Avoid the battles.