Don't like it when people are too polite to the point of being condescending

I like it when people are polite. Everyone does. But at what point do you start getting a heavy feeling or a sense of annoyance when someone appears to be forcing their politeness or being overly nice? For me, if someone starts talking in a baby like voice or treating someone like they are a two year old who doesn't know anything, that's when I start getting annoyed and feel like their politeness is forced. I start to think they are not really being polite even though others may not see it that way. In other words, other people may see someone as being very polite, but I will get the sense, due to their tone of voice and behavior, that they aren't being as polite as they are trying to portray. The worst part is when they are talking in a baby voice like you're some child who doesn't know any better.

I've had that happen where I get the sense that someone who is treating me or even someone else like they are stupid or treating them like some child is not actually being polite. Especially if someone is telling me how to do something I already know how to do. I've had coworkers tell me how to create boxes or other aspects of my job even though I know how to do my job I've been doing for over four years, treating me like I'm stupid and randomly assume I don't know how to do something or just can't do it. And then goes to tell everyone else that they had to teach me even though I already know how. I also had a friend's mother lecture me on how to use public transportation, even though she never used it herself and she also knows I've been using public transportation for over ten years. I didn't say anything, but she was wrong in many aspects of her lecture as well, obviously because she never used public transit. There are many other examples like this, and doesn't happen to just me, but I've seen it happen to others as well.

Another thing that annoys me, and I think this is more common, is when someone is so overly polite that they wind up doing things for others they don't actually want to do, resulting in resentment over time. I get this, I used to be this way myself but I stopped. And there are people I know that will offer to do things for others when they really don't want to and then they get mad about it later on. If they didn't want to do it, they shouldn't have offered or should have said no. It is better to say no than to go along with something and resent the person later on. Don't understand that because they offered a favor so they shouldn't be getting mad at the person. There has been times where I've told some people, if you didn't want to do it, you shouldn't have offered. I'm less likely to ask these kinds of people for help or and more likely to decline any offer of help from them.

It comes off as a mind game, as if to say, "Hey, I'm going to offer you a favor or help you out, but you better say no or I will get mad." I've seen many people offer a favor, someone says yes, and they lose their minds. In that case, I think it is on them. I get it, I used to be that way to an extent. I had trouble saying no. And it was completely on me. And I believe it's the same way with others even though they may pin the blame on someone else. Anyone have trouble saying no as well or know someone who is like this? Just wondered what you guys thought. In most cases, I obviously like it when people are polite, but it only goes so far. If it comes off as condescending or they are getting mad after offering a favor then I get the feeling their politeness is more out of obligation rather than them genuinely being nice.

Have you experienced the kind of people who play mind games about favors with many people? It sounds like you are surrounded by some people who are acting like this. IME IDK people who act manipulative in this way. Is it common?

I do not have trouble saying no and it has not worked well for me either vs being a people pleaser doesn’t work for others. I suppose we have to try to find a place somewhere in the middle and do our best.

Yep makes sense. Yeah I've been surrounded by people like this. Not everyone but some people just feel the need to offer favors while secretly hoping you say no and then get mad if you accept. Others just treat you like you're stupid, which is what my coworkers do to me.

I think you should be able to tell people that you already know these things as soon as they started their explanations.

Perhaps in your attempts to be agreeable and polite you come across as you really don’t know these things so they keep on going on with their explanation.

Is it possible they assume you don’t know things because you don’t tell people you do? If somebody starts showing me things at work that I already know how to do, Id stop them and said “I know how to do this and now I am busy. Bye.” Well maybe not that rude lol but you got the point, I am not wasting my time listening to things I know

I think some dose of assertiveness is due. Are you seeing a therapist? Some type of role playing would be good. Like how to respond in those situations

Some people like to pretend that they know things (they don’t, at the most they googled it lol) and then go on and on “teaching” it to others who neither asked for it or want to hear it or find any validity in that pretend “knowledge”.

Well they do it with “people pleasers” who might lack assertiveness. I wonder if you come across as extremely agreeable to the point of being a bit passive so these people use you to make themselves feel better. They’d not try it on people who’d shut them up quick

So I am convinced you’d need some assertiveness training. There is such thing is being TOO nice

Makes sense. I should be more assertive. They are way older than me so that's why I am not as assertive with them. I'm afraid they could twist that and make me look bad. But yeah, I should just tell them I know what I'm doing, even though I may already be doing something right and they still feel the need to lecture me. They do think I just don't know any better. They won't even ask for help even if they know I have experience. Like, once some of them were going to be taking a trip downtown and were using public transit. Most don't know how to use it. Well a couple of them know that I use public transportation practically every day.

Well I over heard one of my coworkers who knows I am experienced with transit tell another coworker who doesn't know how to use it to ask me. I overheard the other coworker say, "No, I'm not asking him." And proceeded to ask someone else who also doesn't know how to use public transit. I give credit for the couple of coworkers who do realize I know stuff. Most of them think I'm stupid. I don't see a therapist, but I would like to know how to be assertive with coworkers who are way older and could easily make you look bad since they are the gossipy type. I am actually better at being assertive with people closer to my age.

Yeah true. It is possible they think I am so passive that they can do what they want to make themselves feel better. Another reason I am not as assertive, especially with those who are way older, is the possibility I may embarrass them and cause them to get mad. For example, with the mother telling me how to use public transit, she was doing that in front of other family members and she is extremely quick to anger especially if embarrassed or in a way, told she is wrong. So I just kept my mouth shut even though mentally I was thinking, nope, absolutely wrong. That's not how you use public transit. I agree, people pretend to know something very well when they most likely just googled it.

Well if you never told people that you already know these things, then you can’t blame them here.

I don’t think assertiveness needs to be rude, you can tell them politely

In a professional world age does not matter, well it doesn’t matter in many other instances either. I’ve met plenty of 20 year olds way smarter than some 65 year olds. Age doesn’t always equate knowledge or wisdom. Many young people know more than me on many subjects and I have no problem them teaching me. Age doesn’t matter here

Of course there are instances when you can just let them talk. Like at a dinner party I see how you don’t want to start telling them they are wrong.

Yeah true.

Rdgrad, your comments bring to mind a saying we have in the south "Well bless your heart." It sounds sweet and polite, but the real meaning is F you.

I hate fake politeness.

Oh yes I have heard that. Yeah sayings like that don’t sound genuine to me. I hate fake politeness too.

I also dislike fake politeness. It is often trite, boring and more. I have known several ''older'' people who ''should'' know better who made ..... Ugh. Another poster summed it up I think.

I think that you probably come across as a bit ''passive''' and some personality types might attempt to take advantage of this to make themselves feel better. They have more ''issues'' than you do... Assertiveness would probably help, you do not have to be rude (usually )

Yeah true. Oh I would like to read what that poster wrote. And yeah I do agree that certain personality types can try to take advantage of those who are passive in order to make themselves look and feel better.

Fuzzy maybe meant me when I said that older doesn’t automatically means wiser or better. Not at all. I have ton of examples. Many people live long life but accomplish and learn so very little and their growth as a person sadly is often minimal or none existent. So there is no crime to politely and compassionately to let people know that you already know how to do XYZ, especially if it’s obvious you know more on the subject

Oh okay I see. And yeah makes sense, I agree.

With regards to your job, it may be your colleagues just don't trust you. If you're struggling with assertiveness, confidence, and codependency, it may spill over to how others feel about your job performance. Whether or not you "know" your job, it doesn't sound like you've proven yourself to the influential (key) people in the room. There may be something you're doing or not doing that has them believe they can't rely on you on something so simple as, taking transit.

This is an example of codependency.

I thought this may help. I'm not saying you have codependency issues. Some of what you've written suggests that you may.

I’ve had people explain to me something I know and I’ve inserted myself when they take a breath that I already understand it. But they plow over me and keep on explaining anyway. It’s condescending and I think they do it because they are boors and like to feel like they are smart. It might have nothing to do with you.

the gal at work that relays over walkie talkie &/or intercom drives me up a wall with her sugar-sweet whiny tone to her voice... in person shes wears a fake smile and treats you like shes dealing with a child. ask her any question and she looks at you like you how dare you bother her then snaps out of it, doesnt answer you and carries on like you arent still standing there waiting for and answer.
THEN 10 minutes later she comes back at you telling you there is a matter at hand that needs your attention ... which is EXACTLY the reason you asked her your question for.
ie... m - does that blah blah blah need to go here or there or what needs to be done with it?
and 10 minutes later she all about telling you you that you need to come & take care of doing xyz with it!
her "thank you" grates on my nerves like finger nails on a chalk board!
condescending, sarcastic phoney waste of the space she takes up!
whew ... that felt good to vent that out! thanks for letting me get that off my chest!

Yeah it's possible. I do my job well but yeah it seems like they don't trust me with other stuff for some reason.

Yeah it would be a good idea to speak up. It is possible they got the wrong assumption that I am way more independent than I really am. Because, yeah, I don't speak up to a coworker. Mainly because they are all 30-40 years older than me and I have a fear that they could use that against me and try to get me in trouble. But yeah I should just say something to them politely but assertively.

Yeah that is annoying. Yeah I agree, they could be just trying to make themselves feel better. It could even be a combination of the two, not being assertive enough which results in them taking the opportunity to make themselves feel better when it's not necessary.

Wow that sounds so annoying! Honestly it sounds like she likes making herself being on top. Almost like she wants to be the one in charge. That sounds so condescending and obnoxious. And no problem, I'm glad you were able to vent!