One way to detect narcissism in someone you may wish to date

I'm deleting my post (it was ''off topic'')

I havent read everything so excuse me if I am repeating anything.

I find it interesting also that you can ask just one questions as well.
Everybody has narcissistic traits, and to be labelled a narcissist generally speaking you need to tick off a lot more boxes. I find a lot of people call others narcissists these days, very openly on social media.
For myself, I'm aware I have narcissistic traits, I'm aware my ex probably did too. We're human after all. It would be good to know more about our specific traits that we have though.

Personally I want to answer this question so many ways in that I would confuse myself. I'd be part thinking, why does anyone *feel* they "have" to change? Through therapy I've learned a lot about the need for self acceptance and while that is a way of changing in itself, it makes me wonder why this question is so relevant to narcissism.

The other side to me feels I have a lot to grow and change.

The other thing is that change is inevitable, it's an interesting topic but I duno..

I havent read everything so excuse me if I am repeating anything.

I find it interesting also that you can ask just one questions as well.
Everybody has narcissistic traits, and to be labelled a narcissist generally speaking you need to tick off a lot more boxes. I find a lot of people call others narcissists these days, very openly on social media.
For myself, I'm aware I have narcissistic traits, I'm aware my ex probably did too. We're human after all. It would be good to know more about our specific traits that we have though.

Personally I want to answer this question so many ways in that I would confuse myself. I'd be part thinking, why does anyone *feel* they "have" to change? Through therapy I've learned a lot about the need for self acceptance and while that is a way of changing in itself, it makes me wonder why this question is so relevant to narcissism.

The other side to me feels I have a lot to grow and change.

The other thing is that change is inevitable, it's an interesting topic but I duno..

@Catgotmytongue,

I agree with you - there's several boxes to check off before someone can truly be identified or labeled as a narcissist. As far as I understand it, narcissism exists on a spectrum, but to be diagnosed as NPD, someone needs to meet very specific criteria. I think we all have narcissistic tendencies, and you're right - the label is slapped on very readily and carelessly a lot on social media.

I was simply sharing something I learned from a podcast that I thought was very interesting. The one question may not be enough to truly identify narcissism, but if someone says they have nothing to work on within themselves, that to me would be a tip off that the person has no ability to introspect, has no interest in growing as a person, doesn't feel they need to improve anything about themselves and is not very self aware.

For me personally, I would be very turned off by such a person and wouldn't want to date them. I am personally very into introspection, self awareness,, self improvement and self development. I have been in therapy most of my life. I try to learn from my mistakes, and I try to improve myself as a person constantly.

My husband, for example, is a narcissist and feels he does nothing wrong. He is never wrong, and I am the one who always misinterprets or misunderstands him. He can do no wrong, and he has no real reason to go to therapy. He is extremely abusive as well and won't acknowledge at this point that he's been abusive in our marriage. Back in July when I faced him with a divorce then, he did acknowledge and admit to his abuse towards me. But he only just paid lip service to the abuse back then. He didn't REALLY mean it and he has completely backtracked saying now that our arguments were just normal arguments that occur between husband and wife, when in reality, he used to explode on me frequently in angry and abusive rages over nothing.

He only claims he will go to therapy now to salvage our marriage - but deep down, he doesn't feel he needs to change anything about how he behaves within a relationship. Now that is a classic NPD trait. So is lack of empathy, entitlement, and a superior attitude, all of which my husband exhibits.

If I asked him this one question posed in the podcast, I am sure he would say "I don't need or or want to change anything about myself. I am fine just as I am".

We all have something or many things we can improve about ourselves. I now am very wary of anyone who claims they have nothing to work on. So that's why I thought it was an interesting question to pose to someone.

I think if the person is smart enough, they’d know why you are asking and they’d give you the answer you want to hear. They’d figure out you aren’t asking for the sake of it but trying to figure them out as a person so they’d be smart enough to concoct attractive answer. These kind of questions only work if we assume everyone is honest and up front and straight forward. But then there will be no scammers and no manipulators but it’s just not the case

That's a very good point, divine. And I am very susceptible to scammers... GRRRRRRR.

I’ve been watching dating shows, the Bachelorette for one. . It seems like the buzz word of today is ‘vulnerable’. So, I would think most all people dating, especially now, would say something like ‘sure I’m not perfect and have things to work on to improve’. With the vulnerable thing on the bachelorette, they all tell these really personal, sad things in order to be ‘vulnerable’, which is the desired necessity for the bachelorette to hear, or it is a deal breaker and they are sent away.

It’s incredibly cocky for someone to say they have nothing to improve. If someone said that, anyone would be turned off immediately.

I used to watch the Bachelor/Bachelorette all the time! I used to love that show. It's funny you mention it, but yeah, they do reinforce vulnerability on that show. But in reality in dating, people don't want to let their guard down right away, most typically. It's all about putting your best foot forward initially, being the fun person to date and the interesting person to date. I'm usually making myself vulnerable from the get go - bad idea, I know. I have had weak boundaries and let people into my world far too quickly and I give them my trust far too soon. I am the opposite of what people who date should do - lol. I should be in a video for how not to behave while dating new people.

I know, I am getting off topic, but the whole world of dating is actually very daunting to me at this stage. I have a broken picker, as my best friend tells me. And I do everything backwards and wrong.

Maybe this is off topic as well, but it’s my take on dating. I think it pays to be really discerning, patient enough to play the long game of getting to know someone properly and be willing to walk away if you see red flags/deal breakers, even if they seem nice (because “nice” can be a good act and genuine niceness should be a basic requirement anyway). Of course these things don’t guarantee a great relationship but they can help weed people out you might not be a good match with.

@RoxanneToto, I totally agree with you! My problem is I've never been discerning - not enough. My picker is broken and needs adjustment and fixing. I've always picked the wrong men. Well, in my earlier adult years I had some good men; then it went downhill from there as I got older.

I think when you take is slow, it really helps to figure things out. For example a man who isn’t seriously inclined would never wait for months before getting intimate, the one who is really into you on a deep level and looking for depth will wait. But if you jump into it right away you don’t even know if he is serious. Don’t know him on a deep level but you already got hooked. Bottom line you sometimes have to act against your nature. If your nature is to get physically close real quick then you force yourself not to. If you normally go for one type of men, force yourself to go for a different kind. We all gravitate towards familiar but to break the pattern you have to stop yourself and stir yourself opposite direction and you might be surprised what you’ll find.

Your suggestions remind me of Opposite George day in Seinfeld, if you have ever watched that show? Opposite George is where George decides that he will do everything opposite of his natural inclinations. It's a funny episode.

I agree about not sleeping with someone right away. I made that mistake with my husband. We slept together on like the fifth or sixth date.

I am a huge fan of Seinfeld! Oh yeah do the opposite haha

@divine1966 That depends. I’m one of the subjects 😊 and I wouldn’t give you the answer you want to hear to score some points because that would make you superior to me in my mind. And I’d rather let our date go down in flames than accept such dynamic. There are so many “types” of narcissists. Some individuals go for achievements (getting you to praise him, no matter what), others are more interested in power and superiority and, surprisingly, they can be completely fine with you despising them.

Good points

I'm sorry that you have had to deal with this in life. Maybe it is a question you could ask him despite you knowing the answer? Maybe it will help in some way. Maybe not, who knows. Sometimes I think I know how someone will act and they dont.

When I reflect on my ex relationship, I feel that there was a lot of things that come up about not listening to each other, having our guard up etc. But i went into a dark place of thinking i was a terrible person because of it, even questioning if I was a narcissist lol.

I have no one to ask that question of - I am not dating and I am in the midst of a divorce process right now.

Many people don't implement what is called active listening - which is truly being present while another person is speaking. We all have to work at this, I do believe. And you're only a terrible person if you deliberately want to hurt other people and do so knowingly. That's a terrible person. Otherwise, we all have faults and weaknesses - no one is perfect. And we all have our strengths and positive attributes.