Apologised to ex friend, I might be an idiot... (long post)

She went radio silent on me from April to November, I had felt like we were drifting apart and had been increasingly uncomfortable hanging out with her up to when we last met up (in January, I think). It seemed like all we did was watch tv or YouTube videos on her phone with not much real conversation going on. She frequently seemed annoyed when I tried to talk to her. I preferred doing more interactive stuff like board games; we did sometimes, but she usually didn’t feel playing anything. The friendship had also felt a bit superficial for a while. Just us cracking jokes and few really meaningful conversations.
I was trying to let it go, and I’ll be honest, while I missed her a bit - we’d known each other 15 years - I did feel a bit better not being around her.
I’ve had a lot of confusing thoughts about us and our now fractured friendship group lately - there is her and her mum, her best friend, and one of their former mutual friends who I’m friends with.

Former mutual friend is angry at how they’ve all treated her, saying she was basically being used as a free babysitter, hairdresser, cook etc - and when she describes the stuff that’s been going on between them, I have to agree it doesn’t sound like a proper reciprocal friendship, though a casual onlooker wouldn’t realise, and she’s pointed out similar stuff (me being a giver, them taking, that is)she’s seen going on between me and them which I hadn’t picked up on myself. She’s known them far longer than I have, so I trust her judgement.
She hasn’t said she’d think less of me for getting back in touch and I hadn’t intended to, until tonight, but in a way I wonder if I’m just betraying her. Former mutual friend says they don’t have (or want) a life outside the house, have more than they let on (money, friends, help etc) and don’t really respect other people’s time, among other things.

She arranged a birthday party for ex friend’s mum, wanted me to come, but ex friend told her I hadn’t responded to the invitation she agreed to send me. I didn’t get one! Ex friend also made her mum go home early from said party because she (ex friend, not her mum) was tired. So, they went home, even though mutual friend and ex friend’s mum would rather have stayed out.

But, while I thought it might be better to let the friendship slide, I felt bad just ignoring her, thinking while the former mutual friend is justifiably angry, there’s a chance I’ve sided with her too strongly and wondered whether there was still a place for ex friend in my life. Tonight she just dumped all her stuff in a trade to me on this game we both played, sending me a message saying she was leaving and about not understanding what had happened between us, she didn’t regret meeting me and if I ever wanted to talk, I could.
So, I sent an email to apologise for ignoring her, feeling like we’d just been drifting apart and I didn’t know how to fix things - because I was a coward but realised ignoring her recent messages was just a hurtful thing to do, and I wanted to be a better person than that. I should have just responded first time, guess I wasn’t ready to.
I don’t actually know if I want to reconnect with her, though. Maybe my friend is right and I should take her experience as a warning to keep away.

Dear RoxanneToto,

That sounds like a very conflicted and confusing situation. Those kinds of things are so hard to figure out and sort out. And I am the last person on earth to offer friendship advice. I do hope things work themselves out for you so that you reach the best possible outcome. You are a nice person.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

Thanks, Yaowen - writing down what was happening, and remembering things I haven’t included here, a lot of which I was unaware of and had to be filled in on by “mutual friend”, I do agree it feels like a confusing situation right now. There’s also the fact ex friend and her best friend are a sort of package deal. Best friend seems nice but has treated us (me and former mutual friend) poorly in various ways, even before we all started pulling away from this group thing we had going on.
I think you’re a nice person, too, Yaowen - thanks for replying

You don’t sound like an idiot. The honest communication between you was big of you both and good to do.

Thank you, Tishabuv, it’s much appreciated. I think this friendship is done, but if it does end completely, I’m glad I didn’t leave it unresolved like I was going to.

It sounds like a complicated situation. It's hard to give up on an old friendship, even when you realize it wasn't what you thought it was. I admire your direct communication with her.

Thank you, hvert! It felt a bit scary, but I’m glad I pushed through that. I emailed my therapist about it earlier and she was very helpful, as well.
I feel much better for talking about this.

It takes courage to be upfront and honest. Not sneaky behind one’s back kind of person.

Even if friendship must end, you spoke your truth and expressed things honestly. You also acknowledged that it was better to be upfront instead of ignoring a person. That’s admirable.

You aren’t an idiot. Idiots are the ones who end friendships but then talk sh...t behind ex friends backs spreading rumors and gossip about former friends in a sneaky (yet obvious to everyone) way. Stay true to yourself. Good job

So Sorry about your situation! You did good by Apologizing and explaining the situation to your ex-FriEnd. Please don't be hard on yourself as you clearly feel Sorry for what happened, and Hopefully she will change her mind. SEnding many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @RoxanneToto, your Family, your FriEnds and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

From what you shared you ended up doing what you feel is important for your own personal Mental Health.

Sometimes we don't get the resolve we want. Sometimes all one can do is walk away and detach as much as possible. Sometimes the effort to resolve simply leaves one exposed to getting hurt again so yes, it can be scary to make an attempt.

Thank you, everyone. I’m actually just writing my last email to her now - feels really uncomfortable but must be done. I’m being respectful and letting her down gently, especially since she did say she’d understand if I wanted to end things. She said she’d be sad but would be ok.

Good job. Very honorable behavior on your part

Thank you, divine!

First off, you are not an idiot.

And your relationship with her can be quite distinct from her relationship with that other friend or even from your relationship with that other friend. It is up to you whether you still want to 'fix' things with her.

You are also not to blame for keeping your distance when she reached out to you. You were doing the best at the time for your mental sanity (for want of a better word). I see that as good self-care. Frankly, she has not been consistent and has been rather disappointing as a supposed 'friend' to you. So, I don't think you should beat yourself up for not responding immediately when she decided to contact you.

She has to meet you half-way. This is what good friends do. Even if one messes up, it is all about give and take and sticking with the other. If she resents you for not contacting her immediately, I think that says a lot more about her than about you...

Thanks, Rive. I have finished things, thinking about how it made me feel to talk to her again (independent of my other friend’s opinions), I knew I couldn’t carry on. It’s sad but I know we will both be ok!

One of the scariest things is communicate our feelings to other people. Because we can’t control the outcome when we do that. That’s why it is so scary. Good for you for communicating your feelings to your friend. Friendships sometimes end but that’s because they no longer serve a good purpose. The friendships that withstand conflict, are the ones to hold on to.

Sorry that it didn't work out with her but it is important to recognise when a friendship has, sadly, run its course. At least you tried & I see that you treated her with care and consideration. Not many people do so..

I think you do (and did) what you need to do to be in line with what you stand for - your ethical values, what you think is acceptable, how you'd like to be treated. I know it's hard, and I think it's also admirable that you did what you felt was true to who you are and how you want to treat people.