Giving condolences to someone while they are grieving

Does anyone find it difficult to bring up the passing of someone or give condolences to someone else who is grieving for fear of upsetting them or making them angry? I tend to have this problem especially if I am not close with them. If it is a close friend, it is easier for me to try to console them or at least give condolences. But with anyone else who I may not be as close to, like acquaintances or even coworkers, I usually don't say anything unless they bring it up first. Not because I don't care, but I just don't want to upset them or make them angry.

I've actually had that experience where someone didn't like the fact that I gave my condolences. That was a while back, but I do remember telling someone that I was sorry for their loss. They said thanks but then told me to never bring it up again. It was said in an angry tone as well. The person was a friend a long time ago. I get it, it was in a moment of grief so no one is going to be particularly happy at that moment, but I do believe there is a risk with bringing up someone's loss. I've seen similar reactions from other people as well where someone brings up a loss and the grieving person either gets upset or angry.

I am especially careful when I hear a coworker has lost someone. I never bring up their loss since i don't want to upset them or make them angry at work. Despite other people finding out, they may not like the idea of discussing the matter at work. I just wait until the person brings it up first. The most I'll do is just ask how they're doing, just like a regular greeting. And if they say they are pretty good, despite the obvious, then I take that as a sign they don't want to discuss the matter which is totally understandable. I wouldn't want to discuss it either. In fact, for me, unless I absolutely had to, I wouldn't tell anyone at work that I lost someone. I've held stuff like that from them before.

Now one thing I would never do though is avoid them. I've had people do that to me, which is another reason I don't like telling others about someone who passed away. I think that is rude and makes the person feel even worse. How do you feel when someone brings up a loss you have experienced? Like I've said, it's not because I don't care, and I would never avoid the person. That's just rude, I've had that happen to me and I regretted ever saying anything. But sometimes I think there is a time and a place for bringing up that stuff and maybe even waiting for the person to take the initiative would be the best approach, especially if you are not close with them, like an acquaintance or coworker.

Dear rdgrad15,

What you describe is such a difficult situation. So many unknowns. It is surely a fact that people can be hurt by what we say even when we have the best intentions. We often have no way of knowing what people's reactions will be.

And I think this applies to all kinds of situations and not just the one you mentioned, although that one is especially thorny. Despite our best intentions, we often rub people the wrong way or worse, we cause them pain. Even this reply to your post which I am typing right now . . . I have no idea how it will affect you.

Regarding the offering or withholding of condolences . . . I think it must be quite a universal problem since I recall reading many letters addressed to that concern in the American newspaper advice columns like "Dear Abbey" or "Ask Ann Landers" and others. Hopefully others here will have some really insightful and solid advice for you. Sorry that am at such at loss for helpful words to you!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

Yep I agree. You just never know how people will react and it is very common for people to withhold condolences, at least until the grieving person brings it up first. It is a very awkward situation that can make you feel like you're walking on eggshells.

A very difficult subject and with no definitive answers. Everyone behaves differently.

A simple "how are you doing" will solicit a simple okay thank you, or they may perceive it that you are inviting them to talk more. There are so many comments that people make that are inappropriate. I remember my late neighbour saying when her son died, she received lots of cards with the printed message "when one door closes, another opens". Now that is inappropriate, as it's usually associated with a person getting a new job or moving to a new city, not a death.

How they respond is their coping mechanism. Don't feel slighted by their behaviour. The event may have also stirred lots of unhappy memories.

So Sorry that this happens. Yes, like the other wise and wonderful posters have said, everyone reacts differently and Griefing can be really hard so try not to take it too personally if someone appears irritated/angry. i think waiting until the other person brings that up or seems a bit more comfortable with it may be a good course of action although of course it most likely won't work with everyone. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @rdgrad15, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Expressing brief condolences is appropriate.

I believe the following expressions are wildly inappropriate: assuming things about diseased and yours relationships, criticize the diseased, make assumptions about your grief, telling you why you feel certain way or how you should be grieving, prying for details, going on and on about your loss despite being asked to stop, sending inappropriate cards, making your loss about them (“I know how you feel because I lost insert... dog, squirrel, random person”) etc etc

Briefly stating sorry for your loss is perfectly fine

It had happened to me too when I offered condolences or sympathy,it actually angered the grieving person.In that scenario, my advice is to not to take it to heart.When somebody is in loss and grief,he or she may behave in an unexpected way.I offer brief condolences.Sometimes I offer it through a text or send a card first. Later visit personally depending on the depth of our relationship.We can't always prepare in advance regarding such situations.

Wow, people saying when one door closes, another opens is definitely inappropriate for a death. Yes, that has to do with getting a new job or even the ending of a toxic friendship or relationship. Not a death. Yeah everyone behaves differently.

Yeah I agree that waiting for them to take the initiative is best. At most, maybe just ask how they are and if they say they are pretty good and they don’t say anything else, then I leave it at that.

Yeah I agree, all of those examples are inappropriate. I think the most common one is saying that you know what it is like since you lost someone too. I think most people do that with the intent to mean well and provide comfort but it can backfire.

Yep exactly. Sometimes giving them some space is the best course of action and taking it slow, letting them take the wheel.

It’s a difficult subject as it really depends on the relationship you have with the other person. If it’s a work colleague that you don’t know very well it may be best not to say anything. Some people need to share and some prefer to be private.

You are right! There is no comfort in that as grief is very subjective and individual. And comparing what someone else felt has zero benefit as it’s never even close to that. “I know how you feel”. “No you don’t”.

Now if someone specifically wants your suggestion on how to deal with grief or asks you how you do certain things or if you have a specific resource to help with grief, then it’s entirely different story. Then it’s appropriate. Otherwise prying or comparing or expressing unwarranted opinions or giving unsolicited advice is making someone else’s grief all about yourself. It’s never ok.

Yep, I agree. It all depends on the relationship as well. Yeah I never bring up the loss of someone a coworker has lost since I'm not really close to them. If they come out and say they have to attend a funeral or that someone they know passed away, then I'll give condolences. But other than that, I don't say anything. The way I see it, if you ask someone how they are and they say pretty good despite the obvious, then I take that as a sign that they prefer to keep it private which is totally understandable.

I'm the same way. In some cases, the only reason I found out a coworker lost someone is because they told someone else and that person spread it to others in an email or text. So I would think, well, maybe this person doesn't actually want me or others to know so I'm not going to say anything. Just because they told one person doesn't mean they wanted everyone else to know. Or that they only wanted a few people to know. It would be awkward to give condolences only for them to say, how did you know, I didn't tell you.

Yep I absolutely agree! I hate it when people do that, and honestly, it could be about anything, not just death. I've had people come to me saying, if you're having a bad day, just wait until you hear about mine. It will make you feel much better. And of course I would not be in the mood to hear about it. Hate that, it just comes off as selfish.

Yup. Now putting things in perspective is not a bad idea. But don’t compare yourself to me!

I find it very difficult to express condolences, for the same reasons given in the OP. I still have to bite the bullet occasionally, as I work in a nursing home. I keep things brief and be as kind/professional as possible; I’m not in a role where I’d be directly supporting family members who have just lost someone, but my manager is. I’ve seen a few different reactions, too. Never anything really negative or angry but if it did happen, I know it’s about the other person’s pain, not me.
As said, it does depend on the relationship you have with the individual(s) and how they deal with that grief, which you can’t really know for certain either. Some people appear to be handling it well in public but can be falling apart in private, after all.

Yep I agree!

Yep I totally agree. And yeah I can see how your profession may force you to give condolences at times. Yeah I've seen various reactions too. Another reaction I've observed is someone first being okay with others giving condolences or bringing it up, but then after awhile, they start getting sick of it which is totally understandable. Like someone may say, "Okay, I really appreciate all the love and support, but I'm getting sick of hearing it now." Basically they just want to move on which is totally understandable.

And yeah, it all depends on how close you were. I would never have known some people, even coworkers, had lost someone if I didn't hear about it through text or email due to how well they were handling it on the outside. I'm sure they were devastated on the inside but wanted to keep it private. I'm that way too. I've found out someone has died while I'm at work and I would continue on like nothing had happened, no one suspected a thing.

Loss is the one thing that lets everyone know on a personal level something major happens we have no control over. So it's that loss everyone grieves and some people like to at least have a sense of control when it comes to their own need to grieve. Yet, for others EVERYONE has to know as though it's part of their need to announce every challenge they experience.

Yeah exactly. Everyone reacts differently. Some keep it private while others are more open about it.

I had to really sit and think on this one rdgrad15 because what has been trending for a while now is how so many people post their lives on facebook and use twitter etc. This has led to people sharing so much about themselves as more a norm and I don't do that myself. I am a more private person and have no desire to post my private life where others can view tbh. My daughter's piers and younger post a lot on facebook and my daughter has a rather sizable following of facebook friends. Tons of horse people follow my daughter from all over. Many people that have benefited from horses she trained too.

My generation is different, although some in my generation have joined in having facebook. So I had to think about how people tend to share more publicly now. I have my business but my private life is just that, "private". I don't share my private life with customers or when I am conducting business. I don't particularly care for people being able to see what I am doing in my private life. And when it comes to experiencing a death, I keep that private too, just family and a few friends. I guess some prefer to talk about a loss in a more public way. Some need lots of attention, to be all over, I am not like that. And I respect other's privacy as well. The loss of someone is something that I consider private and it's not something I engage discussing unless someone suffering the loss brings it up which tells me they need to talk about it.

Some people prefer to mourn privately. I have noticed though how an important loss I suffered did not stop someone from having me focus on their needs even though my losses were hard on me. Idk, perhaps that's something that some people do without consideration due to this new more public form of socializing.

Yeah that is true. People overshare all the time. I'll be honest, there has been some things I shared way back when I started Facebook in 2009, including deaths. I think deaths are very common to share. But now I keep all that private. Some are more open, others are not. One thing I've noticed is that it appears people are more willing to talk about someone they lost through text or messenger as opposed to face to face conversation.

I've had people go into detail about their grief through text with me but then in person, they don't want to talk about it which is perfectly fine. At least from my observations, that seems to be very common as well. And yeah, I'm like you where I don't bring up someone else's loss unless they bring it up first. Grief is very powerful and if someone desperately needs to talk about it, then they will. Even if it is very brief. So that's why I always let them take the initiative.

I can understand how it would be easier to write about it than share in person. Perhaps it's better to write things out where your throughts are not interupted by don't feel comments or even having a person in front of you that may not present you with a physical presence you need to have. Or perhaps it's just too rushed or awkward when it's just better having the time to write out the feelings as they are experienced.

That’s a good point. If grief is still fresh people might feel too emotional to speak about it, get chocked up, cry etc When it’s shared in a text or email it’s easier to handle it being behind the screen.

Good point about letting others express what they need in grief. You strike me as a polite person who’d let others to initiate. I can’t imagine you being the kind of person who goes on and on demanding attention to themselves, being intrusive about other people’s grief. Sadly some people are this way, they try to make absolutely everything about themselves, even other people’s grief! Luckily usually people catch on on their “me me me” game and distance themselves.