[AzulOscuro]

I suck in friendships relations, in my own partner-love relationship, I suck at any relation. Online or irl. Called it high expectations, need for approval or validation, call it sensitivity (even with anger and outbursts) in the end it’s me the one who doesn’t fit.
It’s my responsibility to change if I want good for others and develop as a person.
Blame others it’s only a way to throw balls out of the goal keep and it’s not a valid response to the problem.

[divine1966]

It’s good to take a responsibility for your part but be careful blaming yourself if you are mistreated and abused. I think it’s important to take a responsibility for selecting wrong partners but I’d be careful blaming yourself for how people treat you.

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

I suck in friendships relations, in my own partner-love relationship, I suck at any relation. Online or irl. Called it high expectations, need for approval or validation, call it sensitivity (even with anger and outbursts) in the end it’s me the one who doesn’t fit.
It’s my responsibility to change if I want good for others and develop as a person.
Blame others it’s only a way to throw balls out of the goal keep and it’s not a valid response to the problem.

It's impossible for us to help you in any way with what you have shared. It's too vague.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by divine1966

It’s good to take a responsibility for your part but be careful blaming yourself if you are mistreated and abused. I think it’s important to take a responsibility for selecting wrong partners but I’d be careful blaming yourself for how people treat you.

Divine, I understand what you mean ( you always put a nail on the head) but in my case, over the abuse, it’s my temper. I’m a very hard person to deal with.
When I was very young, people used to tell me that I did things in relationships badly, you know...that kind of things that can hurt people but I was so unaware, in the contrary, I would have done something to mend this situation. I’m following a technique a friend of mine taught me to stop any emotional involvement so I can have time to react more appropriately to the situation. I’m working at that moment on this technique.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by MisterPaul

It's impossible for us to help you in any way with what you have shared. It's too vague.

I’m sorry for not being more clear. I sometimes find hard to talk about me in an explicit way.

Let’s say that I’m very sensitive and let me drive by insecurities, it makes things hard for people. If I don’t have a strong connection with them, I went apart. If I have a strong connection or I care a lot, I pretty much go to the defensive. As trying to test them and if I see a tiny sign of rejection I feel very low. I guess it’s a passive aggressive attitude because I sometimes attack (verbally) to protect myself and sometimes it’s passive because I keep it to myself up to a point that in the end I feel resentment. Not the best state to be in.

[MickeyCheeky]

It is good to acknolwedge our own faults in my opinion! Perhaps seeing a therapist may even further help you in working about this. i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about not bringing yourself down. Of course you are wise and wonderful as Well. Please be kind to yourself. Feel free to post here or even to pm me if needed. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @AzulOscuro, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

Divine, I understand what you mean ( you always put a nail on the head) but in my case, over the abuse, it’s my temper. I’m a very hard person to deal with.
When I was very young, people used to tell me that I did things in relationships badly, you know...that kind of things that can hurt people but I was so unaware, in the contrary, I would have done something to mend this situation. I’m following a technique a friend of mine taught me to stop any emotional involvement so I can have time to react more appropriately to the situation. I’m working at that moment on this technique.

^I like this technique and will try this myself.

Do you have these struggles with all relationships or only very close ones? Do you feel your expectations are unreasonably high?

I ask because I have only had really bad struggles with some of my closest relationships, and I set my expectations as low as possible, but that wasn’t low enough.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

It is good to acknolwedge our own faults in my opinion! Perhaps seeing a therapist may even further help you in working about this. i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about not bringing yourself down. Of course you are wise and wonderful as Well. Please be kind to yourself. Feel free to post here or even to pm me if needed. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @AzulOscuro, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Thank you. I take note about this possibility to attend to a therapist again. And yes, I’m sure that I have also a positive side. Sometimes, I only value the negative.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

^I like this technique and will try this myself.

Do you have these struggles with all relationships or only very close ones? Do you feel your expectations are unreasonably high?

I ask because I have only had really bad struggles with some of my closest relationships, and I set my expectations as low as possible, but that wasn’t low enough.

Yes, I encourage you to try the technique. It’s not easy, I’m at the beginning and I’m finding it more difficult than I thought but I also understood is the only way. T
I’m learning with my practise and the help from this friend, and if I can be of any insight for you in it or talk about our respective experiences, I’m here. Although, I’m at the beginning.

The same here. The closest I have or feel the other person, the worse. My emotional involvement is deeper and it’s more difficult to control.

I can’t reply to your question about if I have high expectations with people. I’m not sure.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

I’m sorry for not being more clear. I sometimes find hard to talk about me in an explicit way.

Let’s say that I’m very sensitive and let me drive by insecurities, it makes things hard for people. If I don’t have a strong connection with them, I went apart. If I have a strong connection or I care a lot, I pretty much go to the defensive. As trying to test them and if I see a tiny sign of rejection I feel very low. I guess it’s a passive aggressive attitude because I sometimes attack (verbally) to protect myself and sometimes it’s passive because I keep it to myself up to a point that in the end I feel resentment. Not the best state to be in.

I think it sounds as if you're open to change and have good self awareness. I think you also have many good qualities. Have you tried different sorts of journalling? I am not an expert on this but I think it could be helpful as you already have good self awareness. And keep posting here

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

Yes, I encourage you to try the technique. It’s not easy, I’m at the beginning and I’m finding it more difficult than I thought but I also understood is the only way. T
I’m learning with my practise and the help from this friend, and if I can be of any insight for you in it or talk about our respective experiences, I’m here. Although, I’m at the beginning.

The same here. The closest I have or feel the other person, the worse. My emotional involvement is deeper and it’s more difficult to control.

I can’t reply to your question about if I have high expectations with people. I’m not sure.

^I suppose it’s just opinions as to expectations being too high or too low or just right. I wish there was a chart somewhere that everyone agreed to.

[divine1966]

I don’t always understand when people say they have high expectations of people but then they choose bad partners to be with (and we all did that in life). I’d say it is probably rather low expectation of people.

You having bad tempter or being difficult doesn’t explain or excuse bad treatment of you. It could probably explain if people didn’t want to stick around but not why they would mistreat you. Your partner or maybe he is an ex, which would be good news, treated you badly. I suspect it’s nothing to do with your temper. If it was an issue it would be acceptable for him to leave, but not mistreat you. And if you had high expectations of people you’d not end up with him at all

You likely gravitate towards unhealthy patterns because they are subconsciously familiar to you because of your family of origin. But you could try to get out of this cycle. Have you tried looking for people with similar interests, hobbies? Join social groups (not during pandemics but some might be online), using some type of matchmaking? Are you seeing a therapist?

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

[/B]

^I suppose it’s just opinions as to expectations being too high or too low or just right. I wish there was a chart somewhere that everyone agreed to.

I guess it works according to how we perceive ourselves. And this is linked with what Divine mentioned about the patterns we learnt or are used to while growing up.
I expect always the best from people but I’m also get used to “cope” with abuse.
I saw my dad being abusive with my mum, I even intervened a couple of times. I have been verbally abused by my dad too, not only alone but in front of the clients in our coffee-shop. He didn’t realise but he did it.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I don’t always understand when people say they have high expectations of people but then they choose bad partners to be with (and we all did that in life). I’d say it is probably rather low expectation of people.

You having bad tempter or being difficult doesn’t explain or excuse bad treatment of you. It could probably explain if people didn’t want to stick around but not why they would mistreat you. Your partner or maybe he is an ex, which would be good news, treated you badly. I suspect it’s nothing to do with your temper. If it was an issue it would be acceptable for him to leave, but not mistreat you. And if you had high expectations of people you’d not end up with him at all

You likely gravitate towards unhealthy patterns because they are subconsciously familiar to you because of your family of origin. But you could try to get out of this cycle. Have you tried looking for people with similar interests, hobbies? Join social groups (not during pandemics but some might be online), using some type of matchmaking? Are you seeing a therapist?

Of course, noone deserves to be mistreat. This is exactly what I’m trying to avoid myself. The fact that I can mistreat others (even when it may be not on purpose, it’s not an excuse for me). I would hate myself if I hurt another person. But, I do it and I have done it.
Feel like if it was a counterattack. I feel attacked, in my mind, because most of the time, it’s only in my mind - there’s no such an attack, maybe it’s a neutral remark and there’re insecurities and fears inside that trigger a bad interpretation, and I react, as defending myself.
I saw them as giants when there are only windmills.

I don’t want to look at the past. Only want to focus on the present and what I can do to better my interaction with people. Of course, I’m not gonna cope with abuse. I only want to do what it’s in my hands to be a better person, eventually, a happier person.

And yes, apart from working on my own, I’m thinking about giving to therapy another go. And in spite of my social anxiety, I’m more open than ever to look for like-minded people.
I’m working on the STOP technique 24/7 now and I have the support in this sense from a good online friend.

Yesterday I failed badly in the technique but today I got to score a goal and still I’m attentive to any red light that could make me undone the path I already walked.

I do agree completely with you about what you said about abuse. I’m very much concerned about this situation and perhaps, it’s one of these few big topics that makes me even forget about my social anxiety and I play an active role in.

P.S.: Having higher expectations wouldn’t suit bad to me, either. At this point in time.

[Fuzzybear]

I have some good online friends who I find are very supportive (and they find me supportive and insightful too...)

(more so than a therapist I have found thus far.....)

I am sorry you are having these issues.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I think it sounds as if you're open to change and have good self awareness. I think you also have many good qualities. Have you tried different sorts of journalling? I am not an expert on this but I think it could be helpful as you already have good self awareness. And keep posting here

Yes, Fuzzy. I also write on a journal these experiences.
Thank you for your support

[sarcgeo]

You are not alone in this arena. Every relationship I have had has been burned and by me. My temper and my past continue to haunt me and I have attempted therapy. Yet, somehow I don't get mean with people online. So, I guess there is some positive there. I don't like people getting close to me, because I am afraid of them seeing the real monster within me. The monster that protects me when I feel violated. It was this same monster that has destroyed everything in this life. This bitterness I will take with me to my grave and I cannot state how much I resent it.

There is a golden nature in my heart, but I can't trust people enough to let things go...

yours in isolation,

--sarc

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by sarcgeo

You are not alone in this arena. Every relationship I have had has been burned and by me. My temper and my past continue to haunt me and I have attempted therapy. Yet, somehow I don't get mean with people online. So, I guess there is some positive there. I don't like people getting close to me, because I am afraid of them seeing the real monster within me. The monster that protects me when I feel violated. It was this same monster that has destroyed everything in this life. This bitterness I will take with me to my grave and I cannot state how much I resent it.

There is a golden nature in my heart, but I can't trust people enough to let things go...

yours in isolation,

--sarc

You don’t get close to people because you’re afraid of them seeing the monster inside you.
I can reflect with you on this. But, have you considered, I tell you because I’m at this point now, have you considered that this you call monster may be a great energy you have inside you, only that you need to learn some kind of strategy to use it in a control way.
I think you can control and use this strength for good.
What do you think about what I have told you? If you don’t mind to share.

[sarcgeo]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

You don’t get close to people because you’re afraid of them seeing the monster inside you.
I can reflect with you on this. But, have you considered, I tell you because I’m at this point now, have you considered that this you call monster may be a great energy you have inside you, only that you need to learn some kind of strategy to use it in a control way.
I think you can control and use this strength for good.
What do you think about what I have told you? If you don’t mind to share.

I have never learned how to harness this for "good". This ugly part of me only appears when I am angry and have not learned how to control it.

But, you're right, I keep people away because I know of this reality within me.

--sarc

[AzulOscuro]

I’m trying to learn it, sarc. You can also do it.
I didn’t do it alone. Luckily I have the encouragement and support from an online friend. Not being alone helps.
A therapist would be the ideal way because they know a lot about how to handle frustration and anger. Because there are normally reasons behind it and you deserve to be a happy person.

As soon as you experience the changes in yourself, your daughter will be benefit, too. She’s gonna perceive it.