Giving condolences to someone while they are grieving

Does anyone find it difficult to bring up the passing of someone or give condolences to someone else who is grieving for fear of upsetting them or making them angry? I tend to have this problem especially if I am not close with them. If it is a close friend, it is easier for me to try to console them or at least give condolences. But with anyone else who I may not be as close to, like acquaintances or even coworkers, I usually don't say anything unless they bring it up first. Not because I don't care, but I just don't want to upset them or make them angry.

I've actually had that experience where someone didn't like the fact that I gave my condolences. That was a while back, but I do remember telling someone that I was sorry for their loss. They said thanks but then told me to never bring it up again. It was said in an angry tone as well. The person was a friend a long time ago. I get it, it was in a moment of grief so no one is going to be particularly happy at that moment, but I do believe there is a risk with bringing up someone's loss. I've seen similar reactions from other people as well where someone brings up a loss and the grieving person either gets upset or angry.

I am especially careful when I hear a coworker has lost someone. I never bring up their loss since i don't want to upset them or make them angry at work. Despite other people finding out, they may not like the idea of discussing the matter at work. I just wait until the person brings it up first. The most I'll do is just ask how they're doing, just like a regular greeting. And if they say they are pretty good, despite the obvious, then I take that as a sign they don't want to discuss the matter which is totally understandable. I wouldn't want to discuss it either. In fact, for me, unless I absolutely had to, I wouldn't tell anyone at work that I lost someone. I've held stuff like that from them before.

Now one thing I would never do though is avoid them. I've had people do that to me, which is another reason I don't like telling others about someone who passed away. I think that is rude and makes the person feel even worse. How do you feel when someone brings up a loss you have experienced? Like I've said, it's not because I don't care, and I would never avoid the person. That's just rude, I've had that happen to me and I regretted ever saying anything. But sometimes I think there is a time and a place for bringing up that stuff and maybe even waiting for the person to take the initiative would be the best approach, especially if you are not close with them, like an acquaintance or coworker.

I can understand how it would be easier to write about it than share in person. Perhaps it's better to write things out where your throughts are not interupted by don't feel comments or even having a person in front of you that may not present you with a physical presence you need to have. Or perhaps it's just too rushed or awkward when it's just better having the time to write out the feelings as they are experienced.

That’s a good point. If grief is still fresh people might feel too emotional to speak about it, get chocked up, cry etc When it’s shared in a text or email it’s easier to handle it being behind the screen.

Good point about letting others express what they need in grief. You strike me as a polite person who’d let others to initiate. I can’t imagine you being the kind of person who goes on and on demanding attention to themselves, being intrusive about other people’s grief. Sadly some people are this way, they try to make absolutely everything about themselves, even other people’s grief! Luckily usually people catch on on their “me me me” game and distance themselves.

These are very tough moments and most of people find very hard to talk or even mention or listen to the fact that they lost someone. I didn’t want to find anybody in the street because I was not ready even to listen or people asking me about my dad’s passing away. It took me a big effort and a very long time.
What I usually do at these moments with friends and with acquaintances is to use words as less as possible and let my face expression and presence talk for me.
Sometimes a gesture, a kiss (when we could kiss each other) a tap on the back, hold the person a hand. No need to words and you will know after that what the person really needs at these moments.

I had a coworker whose kid died of brain cancer. I knew, he was sick leave because of depression. When he came back to school, I only gave him a kiss. Some tears get out of his eyes and I understood it was enough. He didn’t need anymore. And I noticed he was grateful that I didn’t say anything.

Sometimes, the person needs to talk and you will know. The person will make you know. But, at the beginning I only let the person know subtle that I’m there and they will show me.

Usually less is more.

I think we are all so different and prefer different things. I prefer people express generic condolences and further on we can talk more about actual feeling if I open up a discussion. I’d rather they didn’t say anything that might be incorrect, triggering, upsetting, intrusive, they don’t know if I am in pain etc

And I don’t want to assume that I know what they feel or know what condolences feels better to them when I express them. I still believe it’s better to say less but then have further discussion if the person opens up.

I attended a funeral once.I usually observe a lot before I say something.It struck me odd that the widow((husband died)),seemed happy.I was almost feeling guilty at my analysis. I was there a couple of days and observed that the widow was not grieving. I was baffled.She literally was enjoying the attention of people,smiling and laughing and all that.Later I found out she was abused by her husband and she was actually relieved that finally it ended.A lot of visitors knew of it.I was glad that I actually did not say any thing to her like I am sorry for your loss or I know you wish him tobe alive....I just hugged her quietly. Sometimes ,in certain situations a loss is not grieved. It may not be a common thing.But happens.Just wanted to share this.

I attended a funeral once.I usually observe a lot before I say something.It struck me odd that the widow((husband died)),seemed happy.I was almost feeling guilty at my analysis. I was there a couple of days and observed that the widow was not grieving. I was baffled.She literally was enjoying the attention of people,smiling and laughing and all that.Later I found out she was abused by her husband and she was actually relieved that finally it ended.A lot of visitors knew of it.I was glad that I actually did not say any thing to her like I am sorry for your loss or I know you wish him tobe alive....I just hugged her quietly. Sometimes ,in certain situations a loss is not grieved. It may not be a common thing.But happens.Just wanted to share this.

That could totally happen. Definitely. Plenty of times

The other thing could happen that some funerals are handled as celebration of life. Celebration of memory of the loved one. Remembering good times. Perhaps that’s how the person wanted it.

Also people smiling and not visibly grieving doesn’t mean they don’t grieve. Sometimes weird things happen, I didn’t cry at moms funeral because I was so frozen in grief plus I was physically tired and stressed with a lot of stuff to deal with during her illness and organizing funeral just a day after her death plus I had to be there for my dad who was an utter mess. I cried before and after but then I was in a fog

@divine1966,
Yep,I agree with you.Sometimes the shock or denial at a sudden loss.may lead to a frozen state of disbelief that later slowly translates into grief.And like you said if a person dies after a long illness ,it seems like we are just going through the motions in a confused state.Eventually at a later time grief may emerge. We have to process the emotions as they appear.

I was emotionally unseated about a year and a half or so ago dealing with 5 deaths in a span of only about 7 months. The void was so tremendous, I just did not know what to say or think. I just wanted to be in quiet little corner safe to be able to say whatever surfaced. Significant individuals I would reach out to were gone. Sometimes part of the challenge when someone is grieving is not knowing what to say back when someone acknowledges your loss.

I was emotionally unseated about a year and a half or so ago dealing with 5 deaths in a span of only about 7 months. The void was so tremendous, I just did not know what to say or think. I just wanted to be in quiet little corner safe to be able to say whatever surfaced. Significant individuals I would reach out to were gone. Sometimes part of the challenge when someone is grieving is not knowing what to say back when someone acknowledges your loss.

This is very hard, I do understand you felt totally disconnected, until little by little you were able to process so many loss.