[black-roses]

Not all of us get along with mum's and have nice mums, I don't get along with her at all. And I probably never will I think when she dies I'll be rejoicing the singing gods that I don't have someone putting me down anymore. It's true I be in the bath "oh your getting fatter, your tits are getting saggy". Ugh. Can't wait the day when I move far away and never have to talk to her again.

I don't miss mine

ever since she abandoned me to start a new life in africa, life's been a lot better. she was one abusive woman

sometimes I still sit here and think: what did I do to deserve such abuse?

and then I remember: some moms just don't deserve daughters. the end

I am sorry your mom is like that to you
hugs

[leomama]

Originally Posted by black-roses

Not all of us get along with mum's and have nice mums, I don't get along with her at all. And I probably never will I think when she dies I'll be rejoicing the singing gods that I don't have someone putting me down anymore. It's true I be in the bath "oh your getting fatter, your tits are getting saggy". Ugh. Can't wait the day when I move far away and never have to talk to her again.

May I ask your age? That’s verbal abuse she’s engaging in. I would lock the door.

[poshgirl]

Black-roses

My first thought was lock the door!

If you'd got perfect breasts, she would no doubt find something else to verbally/emotionally abuse you. I've recently thought about how I would cope when my mother is no longer around. Sadly, it will be great relief that I will no longer have to suffer the criticism/abuse that she considers normal behaviour. As we get older (I'm 65), we can become more aware of how unacceptable this is.

As daughters, we're expected to be caring, but sometimes it becomes too much. Thank you can be empty words when other actions are insincere. Okay, timing isn't great but I've recently distanced myself from my mother. Has she apologised for her poor behaviour, no. Instead it's all about her. Should have taken this action 30 years ago, not 3 months.

[MickeyCheeky]

So Sorry for what you're Going through. i think i would be crushed if my own mom were Gone but i understand that other people may not feel the Same towards theirs i suppose. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @black-roses, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[RDMercer]

Posh and black-roses,

That is simply terrible. I am so sorry.

Posh... 65, and you took it all those years.

RDMercer

[RoxanneToto]

I don’t feel quite as bad about my mum as you do yours, but she’s insulted me occasionally too. People who have that kind of attitude are often surprised, for some reason, if you leave and don’t look back, too. It’s like many of them are incapable of introspection.

[leomama]

I had a dream/nightmare about my mother because of this post. She would always make me go take a shower in my dad's bathroom downstairs that tiles falling off the wall. I dreamt that she broke into the bathroom, which she often did, and refused to allow me to take a shower. She even removed the shower curtains and the towels in my dream. She would let my brother use her shower but not me. My mother would also make fun of my "large" breasts, when I was like 12. Large according to her, she was so flat she looked androgynous and she was proud of it. I don't speak to my mother these days, not because I have her blocked or anything like that, but because I have nothing to say to her. The harder thing is when other people think its just a matter of fixing the relationship. I don't have time for people like that. So yes, I can relate.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

So Sorry for what you're Going through. i think i would be crushed if my own mom were Gone but i understand that other people may not feel the Same towards theirs i suppose. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @black-roses, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Hey Mickey, I've been meaning to ask you this, and since someone already accused me of asking invasive questions, may I ask what your angle on these forums is? I've never seen you talk about yourself.

I can tell you if this was my thread and you said "other people *may* not feel the same way towards theirs I *suppose*" I would get angry. I know you don't intend that to be invalidating, however there are so few places people can tell the truth about abusive mothers. I would find it more helpful if you would just listen if you couldn't relate.We know most people adore their mothers. Unfortunately we who have abusive mothers are in the minority and we need a safe space where we can speak our truth without question. That's why I rarely talk about my history.

[RoxanneToto]

I guess those people only know other people who are mutually willing to fix things. Or they think everything is fixable and it’s your fault for not trying hard enough (but really, it’s not. Relationships can go beyond the point of no return, doesn’t necessarily mean both people let it go that far).

[leomama]

Originally Posted by RoxanneToto

I guess those people only know other people who are mutually willing to fix things. Or they think everything is fixable and it’s your fault for not trying hard enough (but really, it’s not. Relationships can go beyond the point of no return, doesn’t necessarily mean both people let it go that far).

I think from now on when I meet new people (men) I’m going to be like “I don’t have a close relationship with my mother and it’s not fixable. Can you accept this?” They think that I’m electing not to spend time with her/them and if I just make time for her/them, everything will be great .

[poshgirl]

My mother's attitude is that if she keeps mentioning a problem, like the one with my sister-in-law, she will eventually make me relent. For something I didn't do, no! Instead of accepting my aunt's advice to let it go, it's made the situation worse. Culminating in my distancing recently.

Size of my breasts has been subject of jokes from my mother and aunt (her sister). Stopped when I had the standard answer of "you're only jealous"! From my teens, I've tried to avoid undressing in her presence because she stares. Covers it by saying "we're all girls together". Maybe, but staring.....

Think my strong personality has emanated from her attitude. Thankfully, I have learned to "wind it in" when needed. Am not blaming any of this on pandemic.

[black-roses]

Originally Posted by leomama

May I ask your age? That’s verbal abuse she’s engaging in. I would lock the door.

25 but she's been abusing me verbally since we were kids often blaming us for **** life and trapping her in an abusive relationship. I don't expect anything from her she thinks it's funny. Yesterday I was singing outside and she said with a smile "now the neighbours have to put up with your loud **** singing". I just rolled my eyes whatever.

[black-roses]

Originally Posted by leomama

I had a dream/nightmare about my mother because of this post. She would always make me go take a shower in my dad's bathroom downstairs that tiles falling off the wall. I dreamt that she broke into the bathroom, which she often did, and refused to allow me to take a shower. She even removed the shower curtains and the towels in my dream. She would let my brother use her shower but not me. My mother would also make fun of my "large" breasts, when I was like 12. Large according to her, she was so flat she looked androgynous and she was proud of it. I don't speak to my mother these days, not because I have her blocked or anything like that, but because I have nothing to say to her. The harder thing is when other people think its just a matter of fixing the relationship. I don't have time for people like that. So yes, I can relate.

I'm sorry if this post triggered an old trauma in you.

[black-roses]

My sister when she was pregnant she would tell me it was a traumatic time she said she relived the verbal abuse from her mum. Then after she had Alana the relationship between her and mum worsened. Mum would say to me she thought it would improve ever since Daniela was gonna become a mother... I mean knowing me and Daniela's childhood since it was the same I don't really blame her for having resentment because even though I don't like to admit it, but I have low self esteem and would get in friendships with men who were just as insulting and emotionally abusive as her. Luckily I learnt the lesson fast and ****ed those assholes off. People like that aren't even worth your time. I learnt from my mum that some people don't change and just play the victim when you call them out on it. I say f**** that and just flip her off.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by black-roses

My sister when she was pregnant she would tell me it was a traumatic time she said she relived the verbal abuse from her mum. Then after she had Alana the relationship between her and mum worsened. Mum would say to me she thought it would improve ever since Daniela was gonna become a mother... I mean knowing me and Daniela's childhood since it was the same I don't really blame her for having resentment because even though I don't like to admit it, but I have low self esteem and would get in friendships with men who were just as insulting and emotionally abusive as her. Luckily I learnt the lesson fast and ****ed those assholes off. People like that aren't even worth your time. I learnt from my mum that some people don't change and just play the victim when you call them out on it. I say f**** that and just flip her off.

Your sister had resentment?

Yeah my mom was not involved in my daughters life at all, which added insult to injury. I remember one time when I found out this I’ll informed woman in my church had thought my parents had raised my daughter. I blame my ex husband for that one. That still angers me to this day .

When you say you learned from your mom, I assume you were being facetious?

[leomama]

Originally Posted by black-roses

25 but she's been abusing me verbally since we were kids often blaming us for **** life and trapping her in an abusive relationship. I don't expect anything from her she thinks it's funny. Yesterday I was singing outside and she said with a smile "now the neighbours have to put up with your loud **** singing". I just rolled my eyes whatever.

I left home when I was 18. I couldn’t imagine living with her when I was 25. I was already a wife and mother by then.

[bpforever1]

My mother is abusive too. But, I came to the conclusion long ago that she is mentally ill. This has helped me tremendously because I don't take her seriously. She is not all evil or all good either. She has some good qualities that I love, My mother says things to hurt me unintentionally. She is not all there in the head so I just say yes, yes and let it go. My mother is paranoid, abusive, and controlling. She has to have her way. So, I do what I want when I'm not with her. But while I'm with her, I entertain her and her emotional abuse by just letting her vent. I love her still so although she hurt me physically, emotionally, and mentally, I will always love her. Her flaws are huge but she is my mother and there is no escaping her. Yes, I have bad memories of her abusing me. But, she was nice enough to help me when I was psychotic and homeless by allowing me to return home while my father and brother wanted to kick me out. Not everything is black and white. So, I accept her and her flaws now. We get along fine now although she has never changed. I know this is not helpful for you. But, have you ever wondered if your mother is mentally ill? Also, you're still young while I am not. As we age, we mellow out a bit. May be your mother may mellow out too?

[poshgirl]

This is a very interesting discussion, proving we all have a different take on life events.

The one question I've asked myself since last contribution is do I love my mother? Sadly, I don't think so. Admire her, for some things yes. To be widowed at 25 with two children under 5, before remarrying 6 years later is definitely a positive to acknowledge. By her own admission, second marriage was a poor decision, He had poor parenting skills and thought physical abuse solved everything. Suppose as a teen and into mid-20s, I wanted to be protective. Now she's in her mid-80s, physical health is failing. What does she do? Alienate me and my aunt who've done a lot for her. My brother always the golden child. Only does what his wife allows him to do.

What really brings this home to me is her attitude. Always had low self-esteem; she claims it's from how her mother treated her (favouring younger sister). Laid-back father who never challenged his wife about anything. My mother has been a widow for over 30 years. Had two man friends during this time, the last one a disaster.

So, why has this come to the fore? After all, there have been many opportunities over the past 40 years (underestimated in earlier post) for me to challenge and walk away. Despite making her life as easy as possible, both before and during pandemic, she can't seem to resist finding fault. If I breathe too loudly, she takes it as disagreeing with what she's saying, so I get pulled up for that. Fortunately or not, I can often sense an outcome before it happens. When she doesn't like the response, the comment is "you're not always right". This is then used like a mantra every few weeks, often having no link to what's being discussed. Oh and don't appear to be happy with life, there's always an attempt to "pop your balloon". Conversely, if you appear unhappy then just accept the figurative kick to ensure you stay down there!

The latest unacceptable comment was "if I was younger I would have taken revenge for what you've done to me". I just can't talk to her at the moment after that statement. Not forgetting the greatest let-down, her disappointment that I never produced a grandchild. Sorry to repeat a lot of what I've already posted in another thread.

[black-roses]

Me and mum argued today I confronted her about her verbally abuse of coz she didn't like if she huffed and puffed like I was making it all up. Honestly I knew it was stupid to confront her narcissists don't even see there own faults and always makes out that there the victim. When my sister wanted minimal to do with mum after Alana born she played it out like my sister was a monster and even told family in Madeira what my sister "was doing to her" leaving the a massive part of the story that when Daniela was depressed mum was always saying she was a **** mother etc. My mother is a narcissist and I know that fighting with her wasn't wise but at least now I know what I truly want. I'm gonna try and get government housing because I don't think I'll ever recover emotionally as long as I stay there. I honestly don't have much anger anymore I got it all out today, all I see is a sad desperate person wanting to be loved by doing it the wrong way. It's not her fault she's toxic she doesn't even see it. As for this I think the best way if there even is gonna be a relationship with mum is at arms length that's the only way I don't get bit by her venom.

[Britedark]

Oh my God! I can so relate to each and every post. I have a horrible relationship with both my parents. My mother never visited a psychiatrist or got herself tested but she exhibits many Cluster B behaviours. She has effectively ruined my life. I am not trying to avoid my own responsibility. I was a fool for years. I believed that my mother had my best interest in her heart and so I followed her advice blindly. I never realised that she was only manipulating me for her own end. She needed a slave to cater to her every need who would also earn a high salary and lay it all down at her feet. When I opened my eyes I found that I was in the wrong career, wrong relationship and the stress of everything combined had ruined my health. I had to go through years to therapy to undo the effect my mother had on me - the crippling psychological damage that she had inflicted since my childhood (which at that time I believed to be normal). I had to literally break myself apart and rebuild me piece by piece. I am still in touch with her and look after her but there is no emotional connection. My health is gone permanently. So congratulations to each and every one of you who have successfully managed to extricate yourselves from your abusive mothers at an early age. Congratulations to whoever managed to escape lasting physical and psychological damage. You guys are all heroes to me.

[leomama]

It’s true the only way to stop the abuse is to leave. I think government housing is a great idea and I hope you pursue it, start today.

[sarcgeo]

black-roses,

I lost my mother 11 years ago, due to incurable illness. Like your mother, my mother was emotionally abusive and made my life an absolute living hell. I loathed being near her and when we near to each other, we were like cat and dog. I felt that my own mother never taught me "healthy" love and to this day, at 45 years of age, find myself wondering what healthy love consists of. There were moments in my life where I didn't talk to my mother for years, yet for some reason I always went back. A few therapists stated that this was Stockholm Syndrome. I don't know what to call it, but I always had a deep voice inside of me wanting to understand her. I also had a hope that one day she might "change".

This hope died when my mother died. There are moments when I think about my mother and I wish one thing. I wish she were still alive to see my daughter. I may have a different expectation than others on this piece, but she was and always will be my mother. No matter what she did to me, I always went back to her. I wanted her to love me, but I guess that was one huge pit of naivete.

--Sarc