[cookiepie234]

I didn’t know what emotional manipulation was but I think I might be doing this to one of my close friends.

There are times where we talk often over the course of a few days and have a great conversation, but then often she’ll take like 3 days to text back and it does hurt I’ll be honest. When this happens I feel myself just shut down emotionally out of sadness and I end up giving responses to her texts that are civil but a little bit cold /-: I’m pretty sure she picks up on this though she doesn’t say anything - it either ends up that she replies quickly the next time we text which makes me feel crap like I’ve pressured and manipulated her, or we don’t speak for a while. I think this is usually because of awkwardness, caused by my behaviour. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just be appreciative of the times she does reply and we converse, rather than fixating on when she takes days? Maybe it hurts more because we haven’t seen each other in a year because of COVID.

We’ve never argued and we can usually discuss our issues and work them out (we haven’t had many issues though). Both of us will end up feeling guilty and we both apologize.

I once brought up how I felt distant from her but it wasn’t entirely addressed in my opinion. Like, now if she takes a few days to text back she will sometimes apologize and say she was busy whereas before she would just text back as if nothing happened which is why I think it hurt /: (especially because other friends did this to her and she would vent to me about it) but she never really offered her perspective on the situation so I left it. I know I’m not entitled to anything from her though, I need to just get over it and stop being so clingy.

I think I’m also still holding onto hurt from when she bailed on hangout plans a few months ago and didn’t offer to reschedule, so I didn’t either. I know that’s stupid and petty and I need to get over that as well.

I’m sure this is stemming from deeper insecurities and I want to stop being like this because I’m pretty sure I’m pushing my friend away. Please be honest in the replies about whether or not I am being emotionally manipulative because I want to fix my behaviour.

[AliceKate]

I have a friend that is constantly needing my help and is emotionally manipulative. I mean she does things such as say "I need space for 2 weeks before my new job" and then when I call 2-3 weeks later she says "finally, I thought you'd never call".
This is very annoying behaviour and certainly does not help our relationship and does not make me prone to answer in a timely manner. Sometimes I wonder if I am a true person to her, or wether she just needs more emotional support than I can currently give, because I also have issues I need to talk about and it's about her 80% of the time (same recurring issues).

Not sure if your situation is the same, but I recommend you make an effort to aim for a more balanced approach and forgive her not answering 3 days in a row. Maybe she has stuff going on and just doesn't talk about it as much.

[cookiepie234]

I see, thanks for sharing your perspective.

As for my friend and I, she normally does this in the middle of just casual conversations. I go to her if I need help because she tells me to, but I definitely don’t constantly talk about my issues. I’ve
even straight up asked her if I did too much and she said no and that I’m allowed to share my feelings. She has also spoken to me a lot about her issues in the past and I know I’ve given her a lot of emotional support. Even just in the last few weeks I’ve asked how she’s doing, wished her well on exams and things. She’ll mention she’s stressed and I’ll ask if she’d like to get anything off her chest but she sort of just changes the subject so I don’t know.

I will try and be more forgiving though because I know I should be a better friend.

[MickeyCheeky]

i am not sure if i'd go as far as to call it manipulative behavior but it is good that you're acknowledging it at least. i'd suggest to try your best to control it and perhaps writit yourself down if you're afraid to forget it or if you feel like you did something "wrong. Please do not give up. i think it is fair to talk to your Friends abotu the doubts you're having. Hopefully she will support you. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @cookiepie234, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[RoxanneToto]

I think how you feel/reacted is understandable in some ways, but in any case it’s good that you’re thinking about your behaviour and how you can try and be a better friend.
When you said you felt distant from her, maybe she felt worried about where the conversation could end up and didn’t know how to address it properly, because that’s always going to be a difficult subject. Neither of you are in the wrong here; it is better to bring it up than ignore it, but on the other hand most people are going to think the worst, maybe panic a bit and not know how to fix it. You’re entitled to want close, secure feeling friendships, though. Do you feel like people have let you down in the past?

[cookiepie234]

Yes true I’ve been so hung up on every little thing I feel I’ve done wrong that I never really considered the fact that maybe neither of us are necessarily *wrong* but we seem to have different views of the friendship. Maybe because of how close we were it’s difficult for me to grasp the idea that us simply growing up apart and just not knowing how to address that is a very real possibility.

A couple of years ago, one of my best friends and I kind of went through a similar thing. We’re really close again now and everything is great, but it was similar in that we also no longer lived near each other and the distance hit me and our communication dwindled. I would see her constantly posting videos on Snapchat but couldn’t talk to me and would say she’s tired. I initiated a lot with not much back. I mentioned I felt hurt she wasn’t putting much effort in and again, not much came of that conversation. When I stopped initiating we didn’t talk for a couple of years and she recently reached out. She had been struggling with her me mental health and had pushed me away because of it, though I thought I had pushed her away.

So yeah I’ve been through something like this before I suppose

[hvert]

I think it's hard when friends have different communication frequency preferences. I have a friend I like a lot, but she often takes months to respond to messages. It feels personal, but it's the way she is. I have another friend who replies to messages so quickly that I feel like I can't keep up and I hope she isn't offended when I take a day or two to get back to her sometimes. What you described didn't sound particularly manipulative to me - the civil, cool messages are because you are hurt and a bit angry, not because you are trying to get her to respond in a particular way (I think?).

[cookiepie234]

Yeah my intention is never to make her reply quickly, I think that just ends up being her response because she can see her distance has hurt.

I know what you mean, it’s just hard to take it personally when I’ve seen first hand how she is with others so it’s not like she’s someone who generally takes days to reply /:

[Discombobulated]

Originally Posted by cookiepie234

Yeah my intention is never to make her reply quickly, I think that just ends up being her response because she can see her distance has hurt.

I know what you mean, it’s just hard to take it personally when I’ve seen first hand how she is with others so it’s not like she’s someone who generally takes days to reply /:

How would you feel about being more direct about this with her? Like saying you feel hurt when she takes several days to reply?

[cookiepie234]

I actually said exactly this to her as I was hoping it would open a conversation about it and maybe let me know her perspective and why she sometimes becomes distant out of the blue. Unfortunately, even while trying to have this conversation with her about our friendship she took days to reply and it would be a couple of days of me left on read before she would then text me saying she was busy and would reply later :/ I feel like it would have been nice if she at least offered a call or dedicated time to text and have this conversation but it seemed very half hearted on her part so I don’t feel comfortable bringing it up again. It hurt even more because this was after we had gone like a month without speaking and it took a lot of courage on my part to reach out and ask to have such a vulnerable conversation but I didn’t really feel heard and also don’t think she saw a problem with how she responded.

Sometimes I beat myself over it and think I should have just left it and it was a petty thing to bring up but then again, I wasn’t aggressive or accusatory at all and you should never feel guilty about addressing your feelings to a friend you thought you could trust.