I don't know what to do with my marriage

AliceKate · Apr 04, 2021, 09:49 AM

I agree with the others, abusers do not change, but I do understand you needing support irl. My only wish for now is that you do not move back in with him (ever).

Have Hope · Apr 04, 2021, 04:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AliceKate

I agree with the others, abusers do not change, but I do understand you needing support irl. My only wish for now is that you do not move back in with him (ever).

Thanks.... I really do not know what I am going to do.

leomama · Apr 04, 2021, 10:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

We almost divorced. I was SO close - the divorce paperwork had been finalized and all we needed to do was file.

Then my husband's 85 year-old sick and elderly father was sent to the hospital with heart trouble. My husband called me devastated and in tears, and I supported him.

Then, I was bullied in my recent new job. I called my husband in tears and he supported me. We talked on the phone for an hour and he helped to calm me down immensely. He was very reassuring, and I needed him.

We began talking more and more. Soon enough, we were texting every day and becoming friends again.

The whole time we've been separated, he has repeated how much he loves me and how devastated he has been without me.

We've been living apart since the end of November. We're still living apart, and we're still not wearing our wedding rings.

However, we are together - but not fully. We slept together for the 1st time in months last weekend. We talk every day. He tells me how much he loves me, and sometimes, I tell him I love him back.

I have recently been hospitalized for serious mental health issues and I also had Covid. I was in the hospital for ten days.

I am not making any decisions about my marriage until I feel stable and sound again. I am not either right now, but I am confused.

Do I still love him? Can I trust him ever again? Do I even want this marriage or would I be far happier alone? These are the questions swirling in my head.

He agreed to go to couples counseling, but we are waiting until I start my new job. He isn't in individual counseling... I would prefer we go to a couples therapist.

I just don't know how I feel anymore. I have been through SO much lately, that my head is literally spinning.

There are many things about him that deter me away. Then there are several things that keep me feeling hooked and tied to him emotionally and romantically. I am still attracted to him physically.

I am posting this thread to help me figure out an answer to how I feel and what I want.

Can I be happy with him? That's my main issue. He has a lot of behaviors that need changing and improving. Then there are habits of his that I cannot stand living with.

On the flip side, he does take care of me in ways that I love, need and want.

It feels like a matter of "can't live with him, can't live without him" - UGH.

Wait you’re separated yet you had sex?

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Have Hope · 04:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by leomama

Wait you’re separated yet you had sex?

Yes. We're basically back together in an effort to see if the marriage can be salvaged, but we're still living apart.

Have Hope · Apr 05, 2021, 05:28 AM

A counselor I emailed about couples counseling services recommended an abusive men's therapy agency that is local to us. I am going to insist that my husband seek's help there, while I look for a couples counselor. I am in charge of finding a therapist because I want to be.... not because he asked me to be. I want to find the right counselor, but in the meantime, this will tell me if he is serious or not about seeking help. If he refuses or resists, it will be very telling.

Bill3 · Apr 05, 2021, 11:35 AM

Sounds good to me!

ArtleyWilkins · Apr 06, 2021, 12:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

A counselor I emailed about couples counseling services recommended an abusive men's therapy agency that is local to us. I am going to insist that my husband seek's help there, while I look for a couples counselor. I am in charge of finding a therapist because I want to be.... not because he asked me to be. I want to find the right counselor, but in the meantime, this will tell me if he is serious or not about seeking help. If he refuses or resists, it will be very telling.

If I was having to seek out a therapist from an abusive men's therapy agency, that would be a really huge red flag about allowing that man in my life.

I hope you start feeling better and can see your way through this current confusion. I know you've been going through the wars lately.

Have Hope · 02:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

If I was having to seek out a therapist from an abusive men's therapy agency, that would be a really huge red flag about allowing that man in my life.

I hope you start feeling better and can see your way through this current confusion. I know you've been going through the wars lately.

I don't see why that's a red flag anymore than the abuse itself. If we just go to couples counseling, it's similar... not the same of course, but similar. We may just go to couples counseling. Lately, he's been amazing and wonderful, but of course, I wonder if it's simply the love bombing phase of abuse and whether once he truly "has" me back, that he would revert back to abuse. Although he claims that he wants to devote himself to making me happy and to never losing me again. It could be just all talk though. His actions need to back up his words.

And thanks.... yes, I've been through many battles lately... far too many. Today I feel slightly better.

Bill3 · Apr 06, 2021, 10:16 PM

Quote:

Lately, he's been amazing and wonderful, but of course, I wonder if it's simply the love bombing phase of abuse and whether once he truly "has" me back, that he would revert back to abuse.

I am glad that you are being mindful of this. He has given you many reasons to be skeptical and ultra cautious....

Have Hope · Apr 07, 2021, 06:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

I am glad that you are being mindful of this. He has given you many reasons to be skeptical and ultra cautious....

@Bill3, yes, I am skeptical and very cautious. However, I also see my vulnerabilities right now due to Covid, being so isolated from people and having had some major job difficulties and upheavals over the last 6 months. This has all made it very difficult for me to stay clear of him. I fell back in with him because I am so vulnerable and alone.

Have Hope · 07:34 AM

Finally, a couples therapist can see us. The therapist has dealt with emotional and verbal abuse. Perfect.

I have a sliver of hope.... a tiny sliver, but it's there. My husband is willing to do therapy, and that's one positive step.

Now, he just needs to be receptive to it when we start.... and receptive to changing his behavior.

I am not being unrealistic though.... I know the statistics and data. He needs to really commit to this and I would think we will need to see a counselor for a long time. And then individual therapy for him. We shall see.

Apr 07, 2021, 08:32 AM

So he's still "my husband"... you didn't file for divorce in the end?

Have Hope · Apr 07, 2021, 09:03 AM

No.. didn't file. But I will if I must.

Have Hope · 11:13 AM

This is going to sound ridiculous to some ppl on here, but in my life for real, starting over at 50 is not appealing in the least. True, lasting friendships are very hard to establish, especially as we get older, and the dating scene is NOT appealing in the least. I've dated for 3+ decades and I am just plain DONE. IF he and I do not work out, I will choose to be single for the remainder of my life. Starting over at my age, with very few CLOSE friends and a shared social music scene? FORGET IT - NOT appealing. I'd FAR rather try to work things out in therapy, and he seems very motivated to make changes. I could be deluding myself, but given what I've experienced through COVID, I don't want to be alone - period. I just do not. I want a life partner.

And please don't try to argue this point with me..... I cannot stand it when people do that and when people try to say being single can be fun, etc, at MY age. NO.... I don't want it. I've been single and it's far more fun when you're younger. Most men my age will want a younger woman... not someone equal in age. I don't want to face a dating scene ever again - not ever. And the bottom line is, I'd far rather have a partner than be alone.

RoxanneToto · Apr 07, 2021, 11:13 AM

I’m 38 and I don’t want to join the dating scene either, cos it sounds utterly awful now, so no criticism from me on that point.
While I admittedly have reservations about your husband, you are trying again with open eyes and are prepared to put yourself first if things don’t turn out as they should. Not everyone who decides to reconcile is able or willing to do that, so kudos to you, and good luck.

Have Hope · Apr 07, 2021, 11:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RoxanneToto

I’m 38 and I don’t want to join the dating scene either, cos it sounds utterly awful now, so no criticism from me on that point.
While I admittedly have reservations about your husband, you are trying again with open eyes and are prepared to put yourself first if things don’t turn out as they should. Not everyone who decides to reconcile is able or willing to do that, so kudos to you, and good luck.

@RoxanneToto, thanks so much.... and I have reservations about my husband too, trust me. They're there and they are all valid. I am prepared for sure to walk away if I must. I am also prepared to dial down on some of my own idealistic thinking... I am very idealistic, and that perfect man just does not exist. Nor does the perfect relationship. That being said, I know where the lines are drawn and I will never put up with any abuse ever again. He needs to prove to me that he won't venture in that direction.

RoxanneToto · Apr 07, 2021, 11:22 AM

Well, let’s hope he’s being genuine about wanting to change and put the necessary work in

Apr 07, 2021, 12:03 PM

Sorry for the off-topic question, but could you say a little bit more about reasons standing behind your opinions of the dating scene? Why is it so bad?

Have Hope · Apr 07, 2021, 12:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MisterPaul

Sorry for the off-topic question, but could you say a little bit more about reasons standing behind your opinions of the dating scene? Why is it so bad?

Nothing wrong with the dating scene when you're younger. But at my age? Forget it. Men my age typically want younger women in their thirties. Then younger men want children and only seek a thrill with an older woman. Then on the flip side, most men are married or divorced with kids. I don't want to deal with kids. Slim pickings!!!!!

divine1966 · Apr 07, 2021, 12:57 PM

Nothing wrong with giving it a chance. Good idea with couples therapy. Then you can always feel you tried it all.,

Have Hope · Apr 07, 2021, 02:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Nothing wrong with giving it a chance. Good idea with couples therapy. Then you can always feel you tried it all.,

Well, he was headstrong and I softened up as time went on. And I leaned on him and needed his support. Still do. I do feel therapy is worthwhile.

Apr 07, 2021, 03:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Men my age typically want younger women in their thirties. Then younger men want children and only seek a thrill with an older woman. Then on the flip side, most men are married or divorced with kids. I don't want to deal with kids. Slim pickings!!!!!

Christ...