I don't know what to do with my marriage

Marriage therapy is about two people learning how to communicate with each other. Each person in a relationship has to be able to understand how the dynamics of their personality, behaviors, history, feelings, communication interact with the others person’s personality, behaviors, history, feelings, communication. In order to have real positive change and be able to move forward, both parties have to make adjustments. It isn’t about blame; it’s about awareness and adjustment.

If therapy is only about your blaming of him, and he is the only person who needs to change, then that really isn’t marriage therapy.

You have valid reasons to mistrust him, and you will also have to work on how to effectively and respectfully communicate your fears and anger with your husband because your responses are also part of your marriage dynamic WHIlLE at the same time your husband has valid concerns about the relationship and will also have to work on how to effectively and respectfully communicate his own fears, needs, etc. because his responses and actions are also part of the marriage dynamic.

It’s a sort of “dance” a relationship gets into where both people have to understand how they play off of each other; only in exploring that push-pull together will they be able to truly change the dance. If only one partner is making the adjustments, they’ll just end up tripping over each other.

I hope you will be able to both be completely open about your concerns and needs and both be willing to hear each other and make the changes the relationship needs in order to move forward into a healthy one.

ETA: I wrote this before I saw your last post but I am leaving my post here. I’ve tried to frame what I wrote positively and supportively. Marriage is work. I hope the best for you.

Thank you. Your post made me reflect. I do get super angry and react strongly when he disrespects me. I think that’s only natural. But yeah, I could probably learn different ways of communicating as well. I appreciate your post and the way you worded it.

He took me out for a very nice expensive meal last night. As we were eating, the tears welled up inside me. I couldn't mask my emotions anymore. The last four days I have spent time with him and he's spent the night at my apartment. I have inwardly held inside my hurt over his infidelity. I didn't bring it up over the last four days, so it came out during our dinner. We couldn't finish our dinner and it ended abruptly. We were silent on the ride home. I told him how hurt I am still.

During our time apart, towards the end, I felt like I could forgive him. And now? It's still very present with me. His reasoning that it was unlike him and that he was out of sorts is not good enough for me. While he was flirtatiously texting with another woman, he was also showering ME with love, affection and attention, telling me how much he loves me.

Last night I told him it doesn't add up, and that it was VERY deceptive behavior - WHY shower me with so much love when he's doing something so secretive and deceptive behind my back?

IF he were truly angry with me, wouldn't he have been far more distant with me during that time period? I am not asking people here these questions... I am asking myself these questions.

And IF he loves me SO much, how could he possibly have gone behind my back the way he did?

At present, he claims to love me sooooooo much and tells me he doesn't want to ever live without me again. I don't even know why he feels this way, after ALL the horrible things I've called him.

So last night it all came out of me, how hurt I am still by his actions and how hard it is for me to trust him at his word at this point. If you truly love someone, then how can you hurt them as much as he's hurt me? He's broken SO many promises, how can I possibly trust him ever again?

We have our 1st therapy appt tonight. I am looking forward to this. I don't know how to get past my feelings of mistrust, IF we are to remain together. I really don't. He has hurt me more than he even knows... not just with the infidelity, but with all the abuse. How can I trust that he won't continue to break promises and revert back to old behaviors?

He tells me he doesn't have it within him to be the way he was before - he tells me it's his mission to make me happy and to always show his love for me.

Time will only tell. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I feel I need him in my life, but a part of me doesn't even want him there. A part of me does, and a part of me doesn't.

I need him to spend time at his apartment. I need space from him now.

@eskielover and @divine1966, my apologies - I now see your points about couples therapy being a two-way street, with both people working on their own issues, independently and together. I was SO focused on HIM and ALL that HE'S done WRONG, Iv'e been blinded by that and couldn't see how I may have contributed to certain things going awry in our relationship.

When I drink too much and bring up issues that are between us, it triggers him.... or, it has in the past .And I don't have strong coping skills in times of great stress. My anxieties and fears also can get the best of me, as well as my mistrust. These are all weaknesses of mine. I can fully admit this to our therapist... I need stronger and healthier coping skills, and I need to learn how to not let my fears take over.

So I know I have more to work on... probably a LOT. We BOTH do.

Anyways, I'm sorry for my reaction to your posts.. .I know you were just trying to help me see things from another perspective other than my own. Thank you for that.

We saw the couples therapist last night and I felt my husband was trying to manipulate conversations and charm the therapist. I kept interjecting because he wasn't providing the full picture every time he spoke. I am really not sure about how long this will last. I came out of the session feeling upset and angry.

I am sorry to hear that. Did therapist provide any insight or gave any suggestions? When do you see them next time?

That is always how I came home from our therapy sessions also. One time our therapist actually told my now EX that he had the emotional maturity of a 13 year old. Sometimes therapy ends up reinforcing what we probably already knew before we got married rather than solving the marriage problem.

Don't let it upset you emotionally. Just file your experiences in your mind & let them cumulatively & calmy make your decision of what you really want to do. It is always good to have a professionally led environment reinforce whatever decision we make

No insights this session.... mainly it was a getting to know you session. He asked us a lot of questions. Our next session is next wed.

I hope I'm not upset after each session! Good Lord.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope I hope I'm not upset after each session! Good Lord.

If you are, then it's telling you something you need to know.

If you aren't then that is telling you what you need to know.

Either way, therapy will be giving you the information you need to know for whatever your future plans need to be.

Look at that as a positive, not a negative thing either way & put the emotions into logical terms

Absolutely agreed!!!

We’ve been in therapy for a year with a therapist we like. Every session is about how we both have a lot of work to do. He had us read Codependent No More. It comes down to a simple choice; to take each other as is and make the best of it or to end it. Some improvement is being made, but it is what it is.

You have been independent, so you are more likely to choose to go it alone while I go running right back. It’s a toxic push/pull that is definitely part of a disorder (for me).

I’m sorry you’ve had dinners in nice restaurants ruined. When we’ve been at odds, I chose to not go out to dinner. I enjoy a nice meal out and would hate to ruin it. Tbh, he never plans the date unless it’s a big occasion. He asks me, “What’s for dinner?” I’m the one who is the ‘Social Director’.

I was the one who ruined our dinner - but I could not hold my feelings in any longer, and it came out.

I am very much in a push/pull type of relationship with him. I cannot seem to break it off entirely.

It’s still better that you let it out if it gets too much to hold in (though I’m sorry about your dinner!). These feelings need to be acknowledged, preferably as they come up but I know it doesn’t always seem like a good time or you don’t always have a good outlet for them.
And even if your intention was to just leave, without considering reconciliation, it can still take several attempts for most people in similar situations.

True - very true. It's a shame though since he wanted to treat me to a nice dinner.

Honestly, I'm perturbed that for the last month, he's showered me with HIS feelings (ie I can't live without you, I love you soooo much, etc etc) yet not ONCE asked me how I feel. I told him this too. So then at dinner ,when I DID tell him how I feel (Ie I am not sure whether this can work out), he got sick to his stomach all the next day.

So I showed up at our couples therapy appt pissed off at him. He doesn't take my feelings into account. He expects that I will simply just trust him again, now that he's made all these promises to never hurt me again.

He's broken promises time and time again. How can I possibly trust him? And he says he's changed already? He hasn't even had therapy yet!

And what happens IF we moved back in together, and a year or months later he blows up in a rage at me again?!? I've already laid down the law and have said many times: ONE more time, and we're done.

I just don' t trust that he will never blow up at me again.

I don't know how we can possibly move forward given how I feel. But I am not ready to let go yet either. I feel SO alone, and I know I am clinging to the relationship out of sheer loneliness and after having gone through many insanely hard times recently.

Hence, being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

This SUCKS.

That "change" thing was an issue in my marriage too. The fascinating thing at the end, I stated that he NEVER made the changes that would be necessary to make the marriage work. I chuckled at his comment when he said "I did change but it happens slowly". My reply was that I didn't see any change at all. Turns out sometimes what they perceive they have changed to meet our requirements is ONLY IN THEIR MIND but not in reality. My trust issues were totally financial issues. From all the legal issues I am still having, it is obvious that over the last 14 years & divorce, he NEVER changed.

Sometimes you need to use your intuition about a relationship & not your emotions if you ever truly want to be happy & not living from one crisis to another. That is called "using your WiseMind"

I am new to here, hope you will deal with the affair soon.

I couldn't find the exact quote, but what I was looking for goes something like this:

There is nothing so alone as living with someone you don't want to be living with.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3 I couldn't find the exact quote, but what I was looking for goes something like this: There is nothing so alone as living with someone you don't want to be living with.

So true. I have never felt alone after leaving my H when I did. Several months after I left, I stopped & realized I never even thought about him then thought about the saying:" absence makes the heart grow fonder" & realized it definitely WAS NOT TRUE in my case which reinforced that leaving was the right thing to do for me because I was happy for the first time in my life.

Sometimes we really don't get it until reality hits us. Also when we make our life about SOMEONE ELSE making us happy, we will ALWAYS be disappointed.

I understand why you feel so conflicted. There are arguments on both sides of every decision, it can be dizzying. If he was only a bf, would you be having as difficult a decision?

thanks @eskielover, @Bill3 and @TishaBuv.

Yeah, I don't believe he's truly changed - not without therapy. If he were just a boyfriend, I probably would have walked away.

I feel really stuck.

So the point that you married him, thus feeling invested in him/ committed to him, is a factor weighing in your decision for you. He is only a husband of a short while, and during that time, it was a struggle. There are no kids or assets.

You really don’t have to make any decision at all. Right now, you live apart. You can see each other if you want to. There really isn’t any reason for you to get a divorce as long as neither are hurting the other financially or otherwise. Maybe as this is now is best for you right now. He seems fine with it the way it is and seeing a t together. You’ve got this in a good place for yourself, Hope.

You're right - I really don't have to, although couples therapy may force a decision upon me. I just feel very weakened still by all the trauma I've been through lately. I'm worried about him completely manipulating our therapist and worsening my mental health though. I am very concerned about that given this is what abusers typically do in couples therapy. He already was trying to downplay his lies and deceptions in our first meeting by making each sound very minor or trivial.

Does this therapist provide any opportunity for both people to speak individually with them? If so, you could express your concerns about couples therapy with him at that time.

Also, a good, experienced couples therapist will be aware of, and deal appropriately with, efforts to manipulate.

Note that if your husband consistently acts like an abuser in therapy, that shows you that, well, he acts like one because he still is one. In that case, he hasn't changed.

Yes, after session 2 we will each meet with the therapist individually. I will def. express all my concerns then.

I know that you're right....