I don't know what to do with my marriage

That's my worry and concern.. that he won't want to do the actual work. Moving back in with him is not something I am even willing to consider.... and not for a very long time. He needs therapy and long-term before I would ever consider it. Maybe 5-6 months from now. Perhaps.

To be honest, I would file for divorce and then, see what happens.

Um... no. Why on earth would I do that when we’re already together and we’re going into counseling? That kind of advice does not apply here.

I tell you my opinion. What I would do? My opinion is so valid as anybody else’s. It’s up to you to take it or not.

I mean, you are not gonna tell me what to reply to a thread in a public board. You exposed a problem and I feel free to give my insight.

Anyway, I already took that you don’t want to hear my insight. It’s fine.

This is my thread and I have every right to shoot down your opinion and advice when it’s not even remotely applicable or helpful to me.

Guess I was in a mood yesterday.

I had a very candid conversation with him last night. I told him I don't know if I can ever trust him again. A very real reality. I am curious to see how therapy goes.

How do you think therapy might change your trust issue? Trust & change takes time to prove.

When I left my now EX 14 years ago, I told him even from 2100 miles away I would KNOW if he changed. He never did & now I finally have a good lawyer to wrap up the mess he made in my life over those 14 years before I could get my divorce. Pathetic people never change any more than leapords change their spots. Giving them time only gives them more time to mess up your life & keep the drama going.

Yes we all make our own decisions for our life & then we deal with the consequences of OUR choices.

I know what you're saying. I need his actions to always back up his words, and I've told him this. I don't know yet how therapy will help - it may not, so we'll have to see. It's possible that I may decide I cannot trust him, regardless of what happens in therapy. He does have to prove himself, over time. Right now, I don't know how things will unfold. I feel too weakened by life to walk away.

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Right now, I don't know how things will unfold. I feel too weakened by life to walk away.

Just make sure this doesn't add to your weakened state. Sometimes walking away gives strength.

Agreed. The last thing I need right now is more stress or trauma. That's what landed me in the hospital recently. I am very much all about taking care of myself right now, and about taking care of my needs first. I cannot go back to the hospital and never want to experience that ever again.

My husband asked if I will divulge to our couples therapist my recent spiritual problems. I told him how is that relevant to what happened in our relationship during the last 3 years? My spiritual issues were never a problem before..... not until now.

And I don't want to tell this therapist that I have channeled, that I hear voices and have been in the hospital for an episode recently. Why is that even relevant? It may invalidate my experience of my husband's abuse if I am seen and viewed as having severe mental health or spiritual issues. I certainly don't want the attention turned onto ME instead.

My husband tried to bring up my drinking as an issue and a problem towards the end before we broke up - again he's trying to turn the spotlight away from him - I told him that I drank MORE during the last 6 months because he was abusing me, because I wasn't happy in the marriage and because of HIM.

What bothers me is that he'll say these things, but on the other hand, he'll be as sweet as pie to me. He asked me if therapy will. be all about pointing out HIS issues. I need to address this further with him... HIS issues are the reason why we broke up.. or why I left him!

On one hand it’s a valid point that therapy can’t be only about one person’s faults. Therapist might ask what bothers him too and won’t just ask what bothers you.

On the other hand it’s curious that your husband focuses on your substance abuse and your mental health issue rather than in general what you might do wrong too behavior wise.

It sounds like he wants a therapist to see that you are not in touch with reality. It’s not the same as “are you telling a therapist about depression and anxiety?”. He wants therapist to know that you are specifically aren’t fully there so to speak, not just that you have mundane mental health issue.

Interesting he didn’t say if you are sharing you have auditory hallucinations. He wants you to share that you channel some dark forces or demons speaking to you or some other similar stuff. He wants therapist to think you aren’t in touch with reality plus you are often intoxicated. Pretty much he might admit he has been acting badly but it’s because he is married to a crazy person. That will be his defense

And he likely will bring it all up in therapy even if you won’t.

It’s just my thought on the matter. I hope I am wrong on this

For therapy to really work both sides need to be fully transparent about EVERYTHING because it ALL ties together in the relationship that is supposed to be working on. It isn't about leaving this or that out because you or he don't see the validity of something. Everything that each of you do is ALL part of the relationship & is a part of each individuals perspective of what is going on in the marriage

Thank you both.... I told my husband that I would inform the therapist of what's going on with me, if I felt like it. Divine, I see. your points.... I won't allow him to do that to me in therapy. IF he does, I am stopping therapy, I am stopping seeing him and the marriage is most certainly over.

I just spoke with him about therapy - he said he will take ownership of everything and that he won't blame me or any of my issues for his poor behaviors. We shall see.

That is not working therapy. Each does things that do create responses from the other & if those issues aren't dealt with.....why bother?

Even in my bad marriage there were things I did that made things worse not better & IF I HAD TRULY WANTED to save the marriage my issues would have needed to have been addressed too, not just ALL the bad stuff my H was doing.

Yeah? And the ONLY thing I ever did wrong was to abuse alcohol during the last 1.5 months of our marriage. And even then, I wasn't starting fights with him OR causing problems! I was nothing but loving and supportive of him throughout our entire marriage. So, no, I am not going to view it the way you are.

We are in therapy to address HIS abuse towards ME for 2.5 years. Not to address ME. I have my own individual therapist for that.

These therapy sessions are all about HIS abuse.

I think your husband should be able to bring up whatever issues. My concern was that he might bring it up in a light of placing blame and making you look crazy and unstable. That’s not right. Therapy will not work if it becomes about blame

If however he brings it up without blaming, then I think he should be able to.

You can’t really have successful therapy if certain topics are taboo. Like if he can’t bring up drinking, then he can say you can’t bring up XYZ issues either. I understand if the only issue is that he is an abuser, then I can’t imagine how therapy would work. You want a neutral party tell him that he is an abuser and he is going to stop because some therapist tells him. That’s why couples therapy with abusers isn’t even recommended. How would it work? How would a stranger make your abusive husband stop abusing you?

If however you approach it with the idea that this marriage isn’t working and you want help in making it work, then it’s a different story. But then some things might need to be disclosed to show a full picture.

Hope if you want couples therapy be only about his abuse then why have couples therapy? He already admitted he is an abuser. You told him he is an abuser. What could couples therapist do? I could see if he disagreed but I thought he is an agreement. So do you want couples therapist to tell him to stop abusing you?

IF this becomes about ME in ANY way, he WILL find ways to BLAME ME for HIS ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR.

I will let the therapist guide the sessions. But I am not making it about me. Of course, my husband has every right to bring up any issues that bother him, but I am in therapy to address his abuse AND my current mistrust of him. That's the only reason for the therapy.

We are there as a couple to help HIM learn better ways to communicate with me.

I hope it works the way you see it.

I will let the professional guide us.

That’s a good idea

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Originally Posted by Have Hope I will let the professional guide us.

Will you accept the T's guidance if they don't make it ALL about his abuse?

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I am in therapy to address his abuse. That's the only reason for the therapy.

Marriage therapists don't see it that way. They are being paid to address ALL issues that are making the marriage unsuccessful. Sometimes they need to see the other person's blaming to KNOW it is not JUST your opinion.

I can only live my life the way I see fit. I can only follow and do what I think is right and best. I appreciate all the support and insights - however, I am only pursuing couples therapy for the reasons I outlined.

Sure, relationships are a two-way street, but as I've already stated, I have been NOTHING but LOVING, SUPPORTIVE and GIVING in this relationship. The spotlight is on HIM and HIM ONLY. HE is the one who has F'ed up this relationship- NOT ME.

Otherwise, I will DROP therapy and I will LEAVE my marriage IF this becomes about ME in ANY way.

I don't care to discuss this any further.