Bad outlook on relationships due to two traumas.

I figured this out spontaneously..... I have had cPTSD from two traumatic relationships. Long story. But where it led me:



- With one of them I often feel like I cannot believe in the (any) meaning of romantic relationships. In their future. Cannot be like, commit to that feeling or even feel it.

- With the other one I feel like I cannot be open to anyone emotionally (except a bit with maybe 1-2 family members). Cannot be like, truly open spontaneously.


All this fluctuates of course, I mean the first issue. I am actually dating/in a relationship now so that just fluctuates. I keep telling myself, I'll figure it out. But I haven't really faced it, no.

The second one I am not sure about... it is the newer one, I realised it today. And then I remembered I didn't yet deal with the first one either though that one seems less deep emotionally to me.

So the new one, the second issue... I feel like, this helps me avoid some extremely, extremely bad triggers. But it means I cannot have another "emotionally intimate relationship". I don't know. It just feels like I would have so bad triggers even if I tried.

And I'd obviously want to avoid those triggers. So it makes me totally feel like I just cannot be open, no.

Has anyone else ever had beliefs like these, and how did you get past them?

I know it's common for "emotionally damaged people" to have these beliefs but it's just really strange for me to experience them so up close, being so aware of them and their effect.

I think I have the triggers mainly when they warn me that the other person may be fake in expressing or may be lying, etc. And maybe when people are real and not fake maybe I can sense that more easily and there need to not be triggers then. So maybe that is the answer to the 2nd issue. (Similar for the first issue)

It's like I'm regaining my emotional memory and learning about manipulation and fakeness like that too, and it helps me focus more on the overall situation to detect such behaviours.

When the fakeness is just socially appropriate pretension/behaviours, that's fine btw. My issue is if the context is supposed to be more emotionally intimate than superficial small talk or other superficial situation.

I am trying to read more hidden agendas than before, for these emotionally intimate contexts. The triggers seem to help for that actually.

I also am avoiding people who are emotionally too intense too fast. I think that will not change. In response, I will always be detached and disengaged internally from such people.

Also from people who overdo the social appropriateness and try to seem like a really good person. (When they are not actually genuine and act from motives that are less than pure. I am fine with just normal enough people, with a basic good character, I don't need people to be so special good, let alone pretend to be that.)

I believe that with all this I am processing a trigger from last Friday. Earlier, someone acted s**t before, misusing their position (yes in an emotionally intimate situation of course - they are training to be a therapist and were to interview me. And then, let's not even mention that their misuse of the position pushed a trigger for an earlier long-term trauma), and then when they responded in a really really extra nice way to something I noted last Friday, that was really nice at first but then when I remembered how they previously ignored my issue with their earlier behaviour was when I got the trigger coming up. It was really bad because it was linking to how I was earlier processing more memories (emotionally reliving them for the first time tbh) from a traumatic relationship. Oh yeah so I don't trust people like that. Them being really nice being a mask.

Thanks for letting me write this out here.

I understand how you feel I been there myself. Have you look for a trauma therapist or a relationship therapist?

I am trying to work through this myself. I have booked myself into therapy and told my therapist I need trauma-focused therapy and to discuss these experiences and relationships. It's okay to get help to work through these things. If you don't want to discuss them in talk therapy, there is EMDR.

I want to heal from the past too. But do I want to heal to have another relationship? Not really. I simply want peace.

I focus on being my own soulmate and living a life filled with a different kind of love from within myself and the things I love. I leave the drama and abuse out these days. I'm in a great relationship with myself. People try to pursue me but I won't give them the time of day. There's no amount of sweet-talking that will ever catch my interest. There is no way I am going to put myself in that situation again. I'm older and tired. I have no room for this in my life.

I did notice though. My intuition on fake, two-faced, manipulative people is spot on. I can literally feel when someone is lying to me. It sounds like you have this too, I think being able to do this is a gift. And it can help you navigate through life. I don't see a part of trauma, I see it as a form of intuition and empathy. May it serve you well.