Feeling numb. How did you know when to end a relationship?

Since your mother asked that only your father and you be mentioned, it shows me she intentionally did not want his name on it. Did she dislike him? She knew you were fighting. Do you think she wanted you to continue the relationship with him?

Do you feel you want to continue with him? Do you feel too stressed out from the way he treats you?

See how all of us here are so put off by his actions? How do you feel about it. Are you too much of a people pleaser that you got yourself caught in a toxic relationship?

When is the time to end a relationship?

*now* is the time to end this relationship. It seems everything is about him and you have to not only walk on eggshells but cater to him and only him. Where is the reciprocity in that?!

I don't really like telling people what to do but in this case, get rid of him. He is a grown man but acting like a petulant child.

@blubbbrabbel


I've reread your previous post and I think I put it together. So he wanted to go on a trip with you on Sunday and wanted to do the work in the evening on the day after you two going to see your mother. That trip was your idea originally and it was a nice idea, and he bought into it, right but then your mother's death interfered for you, and you wanted to focus on that all evening instead of doing work with him and going on that trip. That is how I interpreted the post. Let me know if that's off.

Edit: And I didn't add this but I really have to. (I'm adding this after I already wrote the posts below to you) That I understand that you would not want to do any of that when there is a sudden death. And I understand if it was upsetting that he did not register your feelings on that right away. That can come off very unfeeling and uncaring indeed. That is not due to being actually uncaring though, but it's that brain difference instead. He probably had the deep feelings of sadness but he likely expects himself to have discipline and just push the emotion down and do the work anyway and doesn't always realise it that sometimes that's not what's most beneficial even to himself, let alone for more emotional people who wouldn't want to push down emotions like that.

I'm sorry. I hope you two manage to get through these rough times without more loss of trust on either side (his or yours). I really think that is where couples counselling can help if it's done in time. My main input really here after coming back here and adding this.



All that sounds like you two have a very fundamental communication issue due to different personality styles and you two either figure that out or have to part ways.


I read some of the newer posts too (not all of them yet but I wanted to post this). To me it sounds like he cares about you and is attached to you very much but he is also rigid about emotional things while you are very fluid and spontaneous about your decisions on emotional matters. And that creates a fundamental communication issue and differences in lifestyle.

I'm also the type that's not always fluid, though I try hard. That is why I've been on this forum too and been into psychology for years though I have also had many disappointments with trying to do all this. Anyway... That is why I didn't realise at first that you did already write the answer to my question on why you did not want to do the work on that evening. You said you wanted to focus on family. Your boyfriend also took time to understand that you wanted to concentrate on family all day/evening. He clearly has good intentions and cares about you but he takes time to understand you about these emotional things. That's just how it will always be, even if he improves. Whenever there is a conflict, then he will also always be probably be annoyed with your spontaneity in decisions and some of your different priorities. Just differences though. I don't know how much they can be accepted eventually, because I think it requires much, much maturity that most people don't have time to grow into. Because of life's other demands too. The more demands and stresses external life has, the more conflicts like this will happen, too. That is another way how all that connects.



See above paragraph. I think it is great of him to have had the willingness to apologise like this even though the problem was only that he just does not have the same emotional brain as yours.


Again, differences are fine, you are fine the way you are with having an emotional brain and he is fine too the way he is with having a less emotional brain

My suggestion is simply to appreciate that he has had the willingness to apologise and adjust to you. Maybe that will help with rebuilding trust too and with your forgiveness of the past.




Let me guess, a conflict was already underway when he talked like that. I don't assume he would want to talk like that by default.

I'm not trying to defend him, but I just think it can help taking these things into account. I hope this helps. And one last note. I naturally understand his pov more easily than yours even if I do not agree with his rudeness - but I was very interested in your feelings too and I found it helpful to read your posts to understand more myself.

@blubbbrabbel


I'm very sorry about that. I am sure this temporarily makes the whole job of dealing with the relationship with your bf harder too. For both of you actually probably






Again this shows to me he cares a LOT about you.




No, relationships should not be this hard, but apparently both of you have lost some trust either now or in the past too, and that way it is very hard to be forgiving in the present.






Yes, I'm sure it is horrible for him too. I think the following could help with understanding the behaviours of him:

- He's more emotionally rigid than you (just his brain, this is NOT GOING to change beyond a level - emotionally new situations will always be a problem) so he has to take time to process.
- With that brain, he will get extra rigid under emotional stress such as the death now
- That then means that he will misinterpret things too quickly like he thinks that the fact he can't be included in the signatures means that you don't care anymore, despite plans to move in together. It is irrational for him to think that, yes. I hope in the meantime you two were able to sort it out. (?)
- To me it also means he is very attached to you if he takes the relationship of the two of you this seriously.
- But the past problems and trust issues on both sides (him, you) can mean that this relationship can't be saved and if you try too hard at it it could even become toxic.

I suggest you consider all these points and I hope it helps some.

I've read the rest of the posts finally...I found it all a lot about stuff that I've reflected on before because I've been thinking about similar issues recently. So I'll add more.





He said it was wrong for you to stay at your dad one more day? That would be the extreme rigidity under extreme emotional stress and it doesn't serve either of you. I agree with that, how it's not any good. But unfortunately he is just not going to be able to communicate with you in the emotionally refined manner when under such stress. It is your decision as to whether you want to put in time and effort to deal with that or leave the relationship instead. Or, alternatively, I think it could be time for couples counselling for you two again. In my personal opinion, based on the limited information I have, since he was responsive to such counselling before, it's the best option for you two to do right now.






Are you trying to say "able to pay less attention" rather than "egotistical"?

I'm not English but the definition of "egotistical" in the dictionary is as follows:

"excessively conceited or absorbed in oneself; self-centred"

Temporarily not being able to pay as much attention because of being very sad and exhausted isn't about that to me




I don't claim to know him at all and maybe he's very different from me. But, I had received that accusation before when it wasn't at all true. And I was just as hurt by the accusation as the person felt hurt by my actions. It was just an unfortunate outcome of a situation under very high stress for both of us (us: me and the other, more emotional type of person).

I only read the rest of the posts in the thread now. I feel like, having reflected on it, conflict resolution will not happen if we lack trust and consequently want to default to anger *with* negative assumptions and black and white, global characterisations of intent and the entire personality of the other person who we are in conflict with.

I feel like, getting past all that to truly try and resolve certain conflicts is incredibly hard though.






That sounds like generalising to me, saying "he is emotionally ignorant". He may have working and about average empathy under normal circumstances. (Or not, but since he was willing and able to change things after couples couunselling, it indicates to me an existing capacity for empathy and NOT a complete lack of emotional ignorance.)


Why would he not have real feelings for his girlfriend if he bothered as much as to give real support and change things in couples counselling before? Those are hard, concrete things he has done out of commitment for his girlfriend (thread OP).

I still think though that without more couples counselling this relationship could become too toxic because of extreme communication issues, resulting from mutual lack of trust and life stresses.



Again, why would it be just pretension, taking into account the above?

Here's a secret. People like that (many people, many guys, even some women) want to keep control of their emotions as much as possible. That's how their brain is wired. It is hard if not impossible for such people to be emotionally vulnerable in the midst of negatively charged emotional drama. To be able to be emotionally open and vulnerable enough to *communicate emotionally* (rather than "deal", "deal"), they need an extra safe environment emotionally. And if that's not present, well then it's going to look like there are no feelings behind that attempt to keep emotional control even if there may be many feelings in actuality. The miscommunication resulting from all that is just sad. Re: conflict resolution issues.

Alive99 - thanks for your thoughtful response to my post. I think the more i point my finger, 3 more fingers point back to me!

So Sorry for The Loss of your mother! Please do not give up! Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @blubbbrabbel, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!