And I really need help.

Does anyone know what to do about a sibling who is giving the silent treatment? He also avoids me when I come over to my parents where I live. I have not seen him in over 2 months. I have to announce my presence 20 min before I come over so he can either leave or be in his room. Over 2 months ago we had a fight. I sincerely apologized for my part in it. But I can't deal with this. It feels controlling, punishing, and my mother helps him - he wants me to tell her when I'm coming over so she can tell him. it really hurts. I am hesitant to talk to him. I'm pretty ready to say goodbye to our relationship. It breaks my heart. Because I'm saying goodbye to my mother too. It really hurts.

I'm also really depressed. I've got my own **** happening in my life as well.

how can I cope with this?

[mssweatypalms]

I'm sorry that things are awful now. I don't know what happened between you and your brother, and I don't actually have any good advice. Just here to give you some hugs.

[Open Eyes]

His silence is his effort to gain power. He clearly doesn’t know how to talk conflict out

Thank you for the responses both Open Eyes and mssweatypalms. mssweatyplams, thank you for the hugs.


I don't have it in me to write much about this right now, but I will try to write more about it at a later time. I know that he is unhappy. And I know that I have hurt his feelings. And, I think he has some mental health issues of his own that he may not be getting help with.


I have thought about contacting him to see if we can reconcile in any way. Or maybe writing him a letter. But I want to make sure I'm not making things worse for either of us. And I'm not ready, I guess. I need to be ready and I need to want to write it. I am feeling more angry with him over this lately, because it really, I mean, it's controlling and it seems, to me, like punishing behavior.


I did write here, at one time, the whole thing that happened between us. I took it down because I am kind of sensitive about it, I mean, I certainly made mistakes. I'd also felt better after I'd written it all out. I could put it back up at some point maybe. For context.


Oh and just one more thing, yes, I think he does not know how to talk conflict out. He kind of blames everyone else for his misfortune and upset. He may have a tendency to ruminate, like I do. I'm not sure.

[Bill3]

What does your mother say to you about why she abets him in his stonewalling?

[RoxanneToto]

I’d think about asking your mother the question Bill3 posited - because, unfortunately, you’re right when you say it seems like a punishment. I found this article that might be useful to you. Based on what I read in it, your idea to write a letter to your brother is a good one: Identifying Stonewalling And How To Deal With It | Betterhelp

Originally Posted by Bill3

What does your mother say to you about why she abets him in his stonewalling?

I will hopefully be talking to her tomorrow and will ask.

She has said that it "breaks her heart, too, what is happening." She's cried. But she seems very easily swayed by him. He gets angry with her all the time and all she does is try to please him. He's never happy with her but that's another story. She does a lot for him. Again, another story.

If she continues this, she may lose me. Which will be hard bc we love each other so much. Maybe that's not love though. Maybe...its not love to accept that the person you think you love is helping someone else harm you.

I don't have it in me to write a letter. Mainly because I don't want to apologize to him again, and I don't feel like being nice to someone who is hurting me.

What would I say to him (civilly)?

I don't want a relationship with him. I want a relationship with my parents. Honestly they are dysfunctional too, but I love them.

Before our fight, he had stipulations about me coming over too. He has a head injury and when I was over I was too loud for him. Though I tried to be mindful. But he didn't want me over before 3pm, when he wakes up. He sleeps during the day. No idea why. He hasn't let me in on his life in years. I honestly have no idea if he works or what he does.

[divine1966]

I am sorry about your brother. It sounds like he has some issues.

I’d be devastated if my brother didn’t speak to me but then we are close. It sounds your relationship with your brother is extremely limited as it is, you don’t even know if he works (not saying it’s your fault relationship is as such). But if it’s already extremely limited, then him not talking might not be such a huge change.

Now I see the issue is that it’s hard to see your parents. But you still can if you give a heads up, which most people do anyways. How often do you go to their house? We are close knit family too but honestly we aren’t in each other houses that often. Could you ever meet in a neutral territory? Them visiting you? Your brother not speaking to you, although is hard, shouldn’t stop you from seeing your parents. I think? Maybe I am just not understanding the issue

[Bill3]

I will hopefully be talking to her tomorrow and will ask.

That sounds good. It sounds like she might be torn between wanting to do right by you yet feeling compelled to yield to him.

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am sorry about your brother. It sounds like he has some issues.

I’d be devastated if my brother didn’t speak to me but then we are close. It sounds your relationship with your brother is extremely limited as it is, you don’t even know if he works (not saying it’s your fault relationship is as such). But if it’s already extremely limited, then him not talking might not be such a huge change.

Now I see the issue is that it’s hard to see your parents. But you still can if you give a heads up, which most people do anyways. How often do you go to their house? We are close knit family too but honestly we aren’t in each other houses that often. Could you ever meet in a neutral territory? Them visiting you? Your brother not speaking to you, although is hard, shouldn’t stop you from seeing your parents. I think? Maybe I am just not understanding the issue

I really appreciate this response divine. You are right. I can see my parents still. My Mom and I go shopping on her lunch break. I'm also welcome at their house in the morning and after 6pm. I should not ends my relationship with my mom because of this. We love each other very much. And she visits me too at my apt. She's always welcome.

I just struggle with the fact that she helps him avoid me. Everyday, she texts him "she's coming over in about 20." Something like that. She has mistakenly sent a couple of these texts to me. Once I came over, and took a shower. He "snuck out" and left while I was in the shower. It really hurts. He is sending a message to me that hurts. And he's involving her, which also hurts. Whether or not he knows he's sending this message, I don't know. And I think its important for me to remember: my parents. I have a relationship with them. Not him (anymore). Which is true, it never was really that solid.

My level of closeness with him before this, varied. We used to sometimes have very intellectual deep conversations that lasted hours.Other times, he'd just ignore me when he came out of his room and sound flat or annoyed if I spoke to him. Despite this, its been painful to have this happen. And its been hard "letting him go" so to speak. But I'm doing better with that lately.
And this is likely for the best..

I DO think...that him living his life this way, is pretty...sad. Whether meant to hurt someone else (me) and send a message, or whether he is just avoiding...that in and of itself...revolving your life around someone else.....and your behaviors, is pretty sad. Maybe he actually goes somewhere when he leaves. I don't know. I hope so.

I can't control him. But I can control me. Especially my own internal experience / mood, etc. To a certain degree. I was really depressed over the weekend due to a number of triggers. And the way I was thinking about some things was a bit intense and probably distorted. It makes sense to me why it hurts and why I'm hurt over this. But I also can do my best to live a happy life. I'm not sure my brother knows how to do this. Also, I take full responsibility for my part in our fight. Its not how I want to be and that night I really didn't live up to who I wish to be in the world. But if I let go of this, he doesn't have much to punish me with. He did mention, that night, that there should be consequences to my actions. Which leads me to think this is his "punishment." Maybe its a gift, in a sense. I think letting go of this / self forgiveness and continuing to be mindful of how I show up in conflicts is the way to go. I wish I was not reactive and sometimes impulsive! I'm working on this, I care, and don't want to harm. I think the right ppl will understand. Some people aren't for us. And we aren't for some people. Even our siblings.

Edit: I went on kind of a tangent at the end and I want to express that when I said "the right ppl will understand," I was not talking about you, divine, and how you said you may not be understanding my issue fully. Its a separate context that I was using that wording.

[Bill3]

I just struggle with the fact that she helps him avoid me.

In my view your feelings are completely understandable and valid. I wonder if you could (further) discuss this with her and perhaps help her understand how her actions affect you.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by WovenGalaxy

I really appreciate this response divine. You are right. I can see my parents still. My Mom and I go shopping on her lunch break. I'm also welcome at their house in the morning and after 6pm. I should not ends my relationship with my mom because of this. We love each other very much. And she visits me too at my apt. She's always welcome.

I just struggle with the fact that she helps him avoid me. Everyday, she texts him "she's coming over in about 20." Something like that. She has mistakenly sent a couple of these texts to me. Once I came over, and took a shower. He "snuck out" and left while I was in the shower. It really hurts. He is sending a message to me that hurts. And he's involving her, which also hurts. Whether or not he knows he's sending this message, I don't know. And I think its important for me to remember: my parents. I have a relationship with them. Not him (anymore). Which is true, it never was really that solid.

My level of closeness with him before this, varied. We used to sometimes have very intellectual deep conversations that lasted hours.Other times, he'd just ignore me when he came out of his room and sound flat or annoyed if I spoke to him. Despite this, its been painful to have this happen. And its been hard "letting him go" so to speak. But I'm doing better with that lately.
And this is likely for the best..

I DO think...that him living his life this way, is pretty...sad. Whether meant to hurt someone else (me) and send a message, or whether he is just avoiding...that in and of itself...revolving your life around someone else.....and your behaviors, is pretty sad. Maybe he actually goes somewhere when he leaves. I don't know. I hope so.

I can't control him. But I can control me. Especially my own internal experience / mood, etc. To a certain degree. I was really depressed over the weekend due to a number of triggers. And the way I was thinking about some things was a bit intense and probably distorted. It makes sense to me why it hurts and why I'm hurt over this. But I also can do my best to live a happy life. I'm not sure my brother knows how to do this. Also, I take full responsibility for my part in our fight. Its not how I want to be and that night I really didn't live up to who I wish to be in the world. But if I let go of this, he doesn't have much to punish me with. He did mention, that night, that there should be consequences to my actions. Which leads me to think this is his "punishment." Maybe its a gift, in a sense. I think letting go of this / self forgiveness and continuing to be mindful of how I show up in conflicts is the way to go. I wish I was not reactive and sometimes impulsive! I'm working on this, I care, and don't want to harm. I think the right ppl will understand. Some people aren't for us. And we aren't for some people. Even our siblings.

Edit: I went on kind of a tangent at the end and I want to express that when I said "the right ppl will understand," I was not talking about you, divine, and how you said you may not be understanding my issue fully. Its a separate context that I was using that wording.

I didn’t think you mean me. I didn’t see that comment. I think I understand a little better but still not fully. Like taking showers at moms. Why not in your place. I am just not sure on the dynamics. I hope things work out. I will bow out.

[MickeyCheeky]

So Sorry for what you're going through! Please do not give up! :8 i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about talking this through with your mother if possible. Unfortunately i am not sure if there is much you can do about your sibiling if he isn't willing to rebuild things between you guys. i do think that you can at least let your mother know that this is huritng you if you haven't already. Of course decide by yourself. i think i would feel pretty hurt in this situation as well. i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters that your feelings are valid. i Hope things will improve and that a solution will be found for everyone. Please do keep us updated if you want to. Stay Safe. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @WovenGalaxy, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!