[DoroMona]

I'm under a lot of stress at work. I guess that's in part what's going on. I have a lot of semi-hopeless tasks that I'm responsible for that I just don't know how to do. I have training in computer science, but computer science is broad and for instance, I'm not prepared to be a Linux administrator of multiple workstations. And so on... That's just one thing I have to do for my current job that I'm just not qualified or trained to do, yet it's a small start-up where I just have no choice because there's no one else. In addition, the team is dysfunctional, with people for instance preferring to only talk to me and not each other, trusting me to pass on the relevant information. Sometimes I start feeling really angry.

So I'm having these big ups and downs. Some days when some progress was made or nothing terrible happened, I feel calm and hopeful and come home in a reasonable mood and hang out with my SO. But it's very common, let's say 2-3 evenings a week, when I come home pretty depressed or worried or shaken by something.

This evening I logged into an employee's workstation to copy over some executables for another employee to test. I used something called SFTP to transfer the data. Halfway through, I had a total panic attack that I had used the wrong command and was transferring in the wrong direction and wiping out the data. I killed it and then in my panic closed the terminal and then had to dig around and make sure everything looked intact. Then I checked the destination machine and saw the files had been transferred successfully and was totally baffled as to how that could be when I'd used the wrong command. After a few minutes, I realized I'd used the right command and my panic had just totally come out of nowhere for no reason. It was especially weird because I'd already copied something else using the right command without any worry. Then I'd tried to copy a second file and that's when I freaked out.

I came home feeling pretty exhausted but also disturbed, like maybe I really need to see a doctor, maybe I'm having a more serious issue with anxiety or stress than I thought. I'm not on any medications or seeing a therapist at the moment.

Finally to the main topic... My SO has no tolerance for my negative moods when I come home. When I come home in an OK normal mood, we hang out and have nice evenings. But the moment he detects that I'm in one of my "weird" moods, he gets really impatient. He starts talking to me in this sharp, snappy voice and complains that we're going to have "another one of those evenings." From my side, I feel really angry, that I have to be scared of coming home after a bad day because he doesn't like my "moods." And this evening, I was feeling really disturbed that maybe I need to see a doctor, but when I tried to broach it, he just snapped at me to go take a shower and that my problem is that I "think too much". I get that he's sick of my moods, but I'm also sick of his reactions to me when I'm going through any mental issue.

[lizardlady]

On days when the stress at work has gotten to you would it be possible for you to take some time to do something to lower your stress? Maybe go to the gym, take a walk around a park, wandering through a store just looking at stuff works for me.

[mssweatypalms]

I'm sorry things are not going well. My ex-boyfriend was the same. At first, he said he was okay with my disorder. After few months, he started getting upset whenever I'm not in a good mood. It's like I had to act happy when I was with him. I was like a child he scolded and punished if I didn't "behave" well. We were at a restaurant once and he caught me spacing out. He stared at me angrily and it made me feel a bit scared. After that, he told me that I was miserable because I chose to be miserable. Then, he became more and more emotionally abusive. He then did something I'd rather not say since it triggers bad memories. Eventually, I broke up with him because I couldn't take it anymore.


I honestly don't have any good advice. I just hope your partner would be more understanding.

[RoxanneToto]

So sorry you’re struggling. One small thing, do you feel you lack confidence at doing parts of your job? I’m referring to the things you said you weren’t qualified to do. I think some people see someone with a degree like yours and assume they know computers inside out and can fix anything. Not saying you don’t have a lot of knowledge but as you said, it’s a broad field.
I’m not sure what to suggest regarding the team (though if I were the boss, I’d be prescribing some intensive team building exercises ), but it’s understandable you’d get stressed and angry at having to be a go between for them. They don’t sound very mature if they can’t just talk to each other. They’re at work, after all, not school.
I think lizardlady made a good suggestion; you and your partner would, ideally, both be responsible for your own emotional well-being. That is to say, it sounds like he needs to find a way of dealing with his anger at your feelings in a more constructive way. As I said, neither of you can be responsible for the other’s feelings but his reactions to your stress are not helpful.
I will apologise in advance if you’re already trying, it’s not applicable to you or you don’t have time outside work etc, but is there anything you do, or could do that would help you alleviate/manage your work stress? I’m not saying you need to destress to placate your partner, this is about you taking care of your health. I would go to the doctor as you were thinking of doing and see if they could do something, at least.

[MickeyCheeky]

So Sorry for what you're going through! Please do not give up! i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about finding some methods to relieve your stress if you aren't trying that already. It does seem like your boyfriend isn't being really supportive. i feel like this may need some discussion with him although i think i understand if you don't feel like it. Are you currently seeing a therapist? Perhaps that may Help a bit as well. So Sorry if this post isn't really helpful. i Hope things will Improve soon for everyone. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @DoroMona, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[divine1966]

I admit not being very tolerant when my husband obsessing about work. He doesn’t have moods per se and is generally easy going but he does have disorders that cause him obsessing and agonizing excessively etc

He always thinks he did something wrong at work and he is about to be fired, lose his license and most importantly his patient will die. It’s not based in reality. I admit I am not always sympathetic. Nature of my job requires me to be patient, I don’t have much patience left when I get home so I don’t want doom and gloom at home. I admit I am not the most patient partner.

Having said that my husband does things to elevate work related anxiety and help himself so to speak: therapy-his therapist is really good, working out, gym, hobbies, breathing exercises, he is also on mild dose of medication- he has to be etc

Do you do anything to elevate your anxiety? Also if this job causes such distress, is this the right job for you?

[Rive.]

What strikes me is how unempathetic your SO is and his inability to listen and/or extend emotional support, even when you spoke about getting help.

I think getting it checked out is a good idea (e.g. therapy) but I also wonder about your SO. Is this how this is going to be from now on? Each time you struggle or if life throws you (either just you or the both of you) a curveball, he will disengage, snap and accuse you of thinking too much?? He comes across as cold and unsupportive.

[Have Hope]

It’s so hard not to let inordinate stress from work poison the rest of your life, including one’s mental health.

It sounds like this job is not the right fit for you. Startups are demanding and exhausting, I’ve found, and require you to wear many hats and perform the impossible. Some people thrive in startups and others get squashed, like you or me.

Going to your doctor is a good and wise decision. Your SO should be more supportive, but on the flip side, it can be hard for him too. Can you talk to your SO about his reactions to your moods? Can you ask him to be more supportive of you? Do you talk to him about all the stress you’re facing at work?

Perhaps you do need an hour of alone time after work to unwind and collect yourself. People here have good ideas. I also suggest following through on speaking with your doctor.

[DoroMona]

I want to thank everyone for the responses and support. It was a big help to me and I apologize for taking so long to say so. On those days when I'm feeling really low, I'll go somewhere else after work--like the mall or the bookstore or a cafe--to unwind a little. That was a really great tip and it never occurred to me because I'm cheap and try to avoid all temptation to spend money. But wandering around the mall in the evening after a bad day sounds like a perfect de-stressor. I'm also making sure to get more sleep and more exercise which seems to be helping.

Thank you everyone!!!

[DoroMona]

Originally Posted by lizardlady

On days when the stress at work has gotten to you would it be possible for you to take some time to do something to lower your stress? Maybe go to the gym, take a walk around a park, wandering through a store just looking at stuff works for me.

Thank you for this idea. This is a huge help to me and never occurred to me.

[DoroMona]

I'll just add--everyone suggests this is not the right job for me. That's probably right, but I can't leave. I convinced various friends to join the venture telling them what a great group and technology it was--I believed it at the time, oops. I can't just abandon them now. I feel really trapped as a result which probably isn't helping my mental state.
Regarding my SO...I guess he also has his stress. He was apologetic later and has sort of tried to do a little more around the apartment lately, I think sensing that I'm overworked and overwhelmed.

[divine1966]

Walking in the mall might not be the best if you don’t want to be tempted to spend money.

My husband sometimes sits in his car on a hospital parking lot listening to fun podcasts or music for a bit before going home, we only live 10 minutes drive from his work so he unwinds this way. Not long or he’d fall asleep, but even 15 minutes help

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by DoroMona

I'll just add--everyone suggests this is not the right job for me. That's probably right, but I can't leave. I convinced various friends to join the venture telling them what a great group and technology it was--I believed it at the time, oops. I can't just abandon them now. I feel really trapped as a result which probably isn't helping my mental state.
Regarding my SO...I guess he also has his stress. He was apologetic later and has sort of tried to do a little more around the apartment lately, I think sensing that I'm overworked and overwhelmed.

@DoroMona, you don't owe your friends your entire life. Just because you brought them to the company doesn't mean that it's now a requirement for you to stay and put up with sheer misery. In business, you have to look out for #1 always, and that's YOU. If you're miserable, overworked and overwhelmed, you owe it to yourself to make a change and that means looking for a job that is not in a startup. You didn't force your friends to go there - they decided that all on their own. You're responsible for yourself and yourself alone - not for your friends. That's my two cents! Feeling stuck out of perceived obligation is no way to live! I would look for another job ASAP and I would try to leave this job ASAP.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by DoroMona

I'll just add--everyone suggests this is not the right job for me. That's probably right, but I can't leave. I convinced various friends to join the venture telling them what a great group and technology it was--I believed it at the time, oops. I can't just abandon them now. I feel really trapped as a result which probably isn't helping my mental state.
Regarding my SO...I guess he also has his stress. He was apologetic later and has sort of tried to do a little more around the apartment lately, I think sensing that I'm overworked and overwhelmed.