[Clover1009]

Please be gentle and considerate in how you offer advice in response to this inquiry. We have so much tragedy in our family life, and I am seeking sincere and heartfelt feedback. Please just be kind.

I have suspected for a month or so that my partner of 11 years is involved with another woman. I have confronted him, but he has denied any wrong-doing. I have kept my radar finely tuned, and the circumstantial evidence continued to build. We have other issues relating to financial infidelity (detailed in another post), but this situation has been shocking for me. Still, I began to realize that our relationship is likely beyond repair, and started the mental exercise of imagining myself single, but still involved with my precious 13 year-old stepson. I share a very strong bond with him, as we have been together as a family since he was two years old. He has lived in our home full time for 2.5 years, after his mother (who suffers from mental health issues) moved to another state for a new relationship. The truth is, nobody has spent more time with this child in his life than I have. I am his "person," and I am his mother, despite not giving birth to him.

My dilemma is this - his birth mother died

Possible trigger:

by suicide on Sunday.

She was a notable figure in our community, and so the airwaves are abuzz. Of course, this brings another set of critical variables to this family equation - not only is my stepson relying almost solely on me for guidance, comfort, and reassurance, it also means that my partner and I have been called to a different level of accountability for the troubles in our relationship. We really HAVE to commit to working through our problems because our son, and his adult sisters, need us to be stable, strong and united. I have made this clear to my partner in the wake of his ex-wife's suicide, but he seems to be emotionally incapacitated and largely unavailable to his son because of it.

This morning I was advised by a trusted friend that there are a lot of conversations going on around town about this tragedy, and some of those conversations are detailing my husband's affair. Many people are wondering if he and I are still together, because he has been seen in town with this woman, and some people report seeing his car at her home. I am not shocked, but I am overwhelmed. I have asked him directly in the past if he was in a relationship with her, and he has denied and deflected. I still have no real proof other than "town talk," but someone went so far as to say "if she doesn't believe it, just drive to this address..."

I believe they have traveled together on several occasions, leaving our son home with me while he engages in whatever... This makes me even angrier, because it is not just a betrayal of our relationship, it is a betrayal of his relationship with his son. Now I am facing the real prospect of the dissolution of our relationship in the wake of this horrible tragedy, which has the potential to further traumatize our son. I am willing to go the distance as long as the affair is COMPLETELY terminated - totally no contact - and there is a commitment to counseling, but I won't make any promises beyond trying to repair what he has broken.

I understand that I have been played. I understand that I will likely never fully be able to trust my partner again, but I feel that our son is worth the effort.

What would you do?

[SprinkL3]

(((Clover1009)))

So sorry for all that you're going through, and for your losses - both with the death in the family and the possible infidelity (relational loss).

It sounds like you are hurting, given the betrayal traumas you're experiencing with all this - with both rumors from the town and with denials from your partner. It also sounds like you are concerned for your stepson's well-being.

Some suggestions in finding professional help:

1. Find a counselor who can see you individually.
2. Find a family systems therapist to help your entire family through this tragedy, and otherwise.
3. Find a marital counselor who can see both you and your partner regarding your concerns.
4. Or find a therapist who can do all the above, though it might be best to find at least one individual therapist on top of the marital counselor, since the marital counselor could serve also as the family systems therapist as well.

Some suggestions apart from the professional help:

1. Make a journal about all of your suspicions. List the rumors and who said what. List the times and dates if you need to. If you are married, this could help with divorce, should that be an option in the future. Also list any evidence that supports your claim that he is (a) cheating and (b) lying to you.

2. Make a separate journal with pros and cons about staying in this relationship. Along with the pros, what's your reasoning? To maintain a relationship with your stepson? To seek the overall wellbeing of your stepson (even though staying together might actually be harming your stepson's growth, though only a family systems therapist can really ascertain if that's the case)? To hope that your partner will fess up and change his ways (that's wishful thinking, or denial about the grief process concerning the loss of a faithful partnership, if he is not honest and willing to be honest about all this)? To avoid loneliness and being single during this time? To avoid feeling needed in the relationship? Also, what's the cons, and what's the reasoning behind the cons of staying? Will you be always hypervigilant about your partner's faithfulness, meaning that you become so involved in seeing if he's cheating that it affects your own mental health, as well as your stepson's? Will it affect your stepson in a negative way by staying together? If so, how? Will there be legal issues the longer you try to remain in the relationship (this could also be a pro in staying in the relationship)? What freedoms can you see (without feeling guilty) about leaving your partner?

3. Make another separate journal about your own past traumas, your own trauma triggers (because relational loss is traumatic - due to the level of betrayal involved), your own fears of what this means for you, and how you're not feeling good about yourself, your life, your relationships, and other things you notice about yourself. This particular journal is about you - not about whether or not you will maintain a relationship with either your partner or your stepson, but rather about you and how this has impacted you. Have you spent more time worrying about this than actually enjoying life and the upcoming holidays? What about this semi-celebrity status or popularity in town has affected you, personally, during all this? Do you feel that rumors are affecting your reputation (reputational loss), identity (identity loss), wellbeing (health loss), etc.? Do you feel that this relationship, overall, has had too many ups and downs or one major honeymoon phase with a long line of growing apart, and thus affecting how you are living your life? What would you like to see for you? What were your dreams before and during your relationship with your partner? Have your dreams shifted or changed?

3. Do you have any close friends or social networks locally? Are they helping you to deal with the rumors, etc.? Can you find local support to deal with this, in addition to professional support?

4. What kind of relationship do you have with those in the community spreading such rumors? Are they your friends and thus trying to protect you, or are they his friends, or are they mere gossipers that are stirring the pot? Can you maybe set a boundary with some of them and kindly ask them why they are telling you this, and if they aren't sure, if they could keep their opinions to themselves or go directly to the source - meaning him and his so-called mistress - to address them in person? Why attack the victim (the cheated on), when someone sees something? Why not address the cheater instead? Wouldn't that alert the cheater to be more honest, rather than coming to the partner behind his back? Could you even mention this to the rumor-spreaders in town? That might help you win your own case, garnering some level of support in a different way, or seeing who your real friends are if they remain gossipers instead of going to the source.

5. Could you see about having a relationship with your stepson if you do break up with your partner? Could you perhaps ask your stepson (if he's of age) what your stepson has heard, and if he has in fact heard these rumors, what he thinks about all this, and how this has affected him? Communication is key, but it depends on the age. If your stepson has no clue what is going on (don't assume, but ask first), then perhaps your stepson needn't know at this time what is going on. But if you are planning to separate or break up, you will need to communicate that with both your partners and stepson. Staying in a relationship and hoping the other will change reminds me of those trying to stay in abusive relationships, domestic violence relationships, intimate partner violence relationships, and addiction-based relationships. You can't make the other person change for the better. You can only do what is best for you. And if your stepson is in his custody, you can be a support to him and suggest some tips, but it's really up to his legal guardian to deal with the mess he's created, as it's not your fault. You need to do what is best for you. The consequences of his actions, if he did, in fact, cheat, are his consequences - not yours. You are only protecting yourself. And even if he isn't cheating or even if you don't have proof, your relationship that remains stale at this point is key that something is wrong in your relationship regardless of whether he cheated or not. You have to figure out if you are willing to stay in this relationship that is causing you turmoil, or to free yourself from it and move forward, because you can't change his behaviors - whatever they may be. Also, if you do have joint custody of your stepson, then consider all that, too. Write those thoughts out. Truly seek what is best for your stepson - because staying might NOT be the best for him either. If need be, make as many separate journals about each relationship you have that might be affected by your breakup or staying together. This may help guide you into your proactive (versus reactive) steps in the future.

6. Take time to self-care. Take a break from worrying about relationships and spend time - at least an hour each day - just to yourself. Set a boundary to spend that special time with yourself. Take a bath. Go for a walk. Listen to music. Burn a candle. Give yourself a mani-pedi. Tell yourself positive affirmations. Do what you can to meditate on the positives about yourself, and what you deserve. Don't include your problems or relationships during this time; make it about your time. After refreshing yourself, then return to your day.

7. Additionally, set aside specific times to deal with your filial issues. Perhaps you want to work on your relationship issues on the weekends or when you both have a day off or during the work day. Do whatever you can to avoid filling up all your time with these issues. Set a limit on the time you will deal with them, such as maybe 2 hours on the weekend, but only during the daytime. Avoid getting upset right before bedtime, or right before a stressful meeting or appointment. Space your time out to self-care and prioritize your own health with the needs of the day and the needs of your relationships.

8. Make a vision board of the things you want in life - from past on the left (maybe from childhood or young adulthood) to the present on the right (things you want now). See how they've changed. Make this board about you. Use art supplies, magazine cutouts, etc. Be creative. Write a poem, anything. Keep this for you to reflect on when you are faced with any challenges in life - especially as you age. See how you can find meaning and purpose in your life over and over again, because your life is yours - even if you are in partnership with someone else. Make sure that your partnership is a true partnership that doesn't detract from your goals and dreams, but rather embraces them and helps you both to move forward together.

9. If you are still in a close relationship with your partner, make a vision board for both of you - which will differ from your own vision board in step #8. This is a project you work on together. You both have dreams and goals that you want to share and be supported in together, and you pick which side (right or left) you each start on. Then you meet in the middle and create a vision that both of you share together. You typically would discuss this with a marital counselor or family systems counselor.

10. You can also repeat step #9 with your stepson and both you and your partner, or have a separate one with just you and your stepson and then your partner and your stepson. This could be great talking points in family meetings on the weekends and/or with a family systems/marital counselor.

11. If your partner or stepson don't agree to those things, find out what they would compromise on. Communication is key here, even if it winds up in a mutual or needed breakup. See what works for you all. And if you are all at an impasse, see then what works best for you.

12. The advice you might receive from others will differ. Take what works, leave what doesn't, and ignore the judgments or the misunderstandings. Not everyone knows the ins and outs of your relationship, so they might say some harsh stuff or some unintentional insensitive stuff. Be sensitive with the people who want to help, too, as this is tough asking for someone on the outside of your relationship to offer help in an area that could make or break your relationship.

Hope these tips help.

[Have Hope]

I'm very sorry you find yourself in such a mess.

I will be kind, but very honest. In light of the affair on top of financial issues, I think it would be wisest to separate from your partner. You can still have a relationship with your step son, even if you separate.

You're putting up with an awful lot of crap and bs to try and maintain your relationship with the step son. All I see is more heartache and pain ahead for you. If he cannot even admit to the affair, how will you get him to go to counseling and cut off the relationship? He won't admit to it and therefore, there's no point in trying to get him to cut it off and go to counseling. The affair will continue and you will deteriorate.

You've already dealt with disgusting and despicable financial abuse from him.... what are you getting out of this other than a relationship with the step son? I imagine not much except for pain, heartache, and stress.

This man is abusing your trust in him in a couple of different ways. He is NOT worth it. He is a dirt bag and is incredibly toxic. You're wanting to sacrifice yourself for the sake of your step son, and in the meantime, you're getting used and abused and mistreated to an awful degree. He's galavanting around town, sleeping with another woman, while using YOUR money and financial support. Do you see what a dirt bag this man truly is? If I ever met him, I would sock him one in the nuts and drop him like a hot potato. His behavior and treatment of you is APPALLING.

Please reconsider your stance on this, for your own mental health and sense of self respect. If you're not in therapy already, I suggest finding a counselor to help you get out of this mess. I hope you find a way. Being single and free from toxicity will feel amazing for you.

[SprinkL3]

[Rive.]

What would I do?

In light of all you have written above, I would leave him but I would still keep my relationship with the step-son.

Leaving your partner doesn't mean you need to leave, or 'abandon' the child. It is a fallacy to believe that children are better off with parents who stay together, no matter what the cost.. It is better to make a clean break and leave so as to model a healthy, emotionally supportive, relationship. Staying together for the sake of staying together can cause more harm and be more detrimental to children, in many different arenas of their development.

[divine1966]

So sorry to hear. Wow. I had a feeling something more is going on. Usually men who use women financially are up to no good in other areas of life as well.

While you lavish him with extravagant amounts of money, babysit and let him live in your house, he enjoys sleeping around traveling with other women and isn’t even hiding it in the community. Why would he admit to anything? It would mean his cushy life style might end. This other lady might not be willing to support him financially.

Please see a doctor and check for STDs. I knew a lady who contracted HIV from a partner who slept around. Not worth it.

You really need to look into roots of your willingness to be disrespected like this. My husbands ex died the same tragic death as your boyfriends ex. It’s tragic but isn’t a sign for me to become a doormat. There is zero need to allow men to walk all over you regardless of circumstances

You could stay in his kids’ lives of course if all parties agree to it. You could even adopt this child (later not right away) if he and his father agree to that. But please respect yourself

[divine1966]

I also wonder if you are telling yourself that you must stay with this man no matter how badly he treats you for the sake of his kids. But it’s simply not the case. Ton on people co parent just fine and raise wonderful healthy children and they don’t put up with nonsense. Being a good parent or a stepparent or any other involved adult doesn’t equate to being mistreated by partners. I don’t know why you feel you must allow this abuse to continue

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by divine1966

While you lavish him with extravagant amounts of money, babysit and let him live in your house, he enjoys sleeping around traveling with other women and isn’t even hiding it in the community.

You really need to look into roots of your willingness to be disrespected like this.

YES. This. You have to look at yourself and be honest with yourself. Are you afraid of being alone? I understand this fear, but at the same time, maintaining or reviving your own sense of self respect is far more important for your self esteem.

What we allow with others is how they will continue to treat us. If you stay, you are allowing the disrespect. Often, the only way to truly put a stop to disrespectful behavior is to leave the person.

[SprinkL3]

I agree with all of the suggestions listed after my initial response.

Staying in a harmful, neglectful, and abusive relationship does no good for either party, including the children involved. The children witness these pains, or at least suspect something is going on. The children often learn from the adults' behaviors and choices in life. Staying sends a message to the children that it's okay for people to be cheated on, for gender roles to be okay and acceptable (e.g., it's okay for men to cheat on women, as long as the women are silent, soft-spoken, and obedient to their male partners), and for lying, rumors, and a lack of boundaries to be tolerated or accepted - at the expense of a miserable relationship that affects all in the immediate household.

Conversely, setting boundaries, having some self-respect to leave abuse, and prioritizing children's health through examples of setting boundaries and leaving when abuse happens will be healthier for everyone involved. The abuser might not like it, and the breakup might be painful for all, but those things are necessary for both individual and widespread change in these areas. It's not okay for popular people to get away with cheating and lying, and it's not okay for women to have to bow down to the man, and it's not okay for people to spread rumors instead of going to the source and confronting what they saw (if they truly care about the partner/woman who is being cheated on), and it's not okay for children to have to suffer from constant fights and seeing the victim constantly hurt and taking all the abuse without leaving (even if it is emotional abuse, and not physical), because that, too, affects development. Children's brains form all the way to age 25. Adolescents, too, need parents to be good role models. When one of the parents fail, another guardian can demonstrate what is right by setting an example. It's a sticky situation here, but doing the right thing will help everyone.

Wanting only feel-good responses in cases like this is unrealistic because (a) one or more people are constantly being abused and neglected, and (b) a child is involved. Unfortunately, you can't tell a victim that it's okay to stay in an abusive, harmful relationship and then just comfort the victim when the victim does, in fact, have choices that are healthier. That would be enabling and condoning such behaviors to continue.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by SprinkL3

Wanting only feel-good responses in cases like this is unrealistic because (a) one or more people are constantly being abused and neglected, and (b) a child is involved. Unfortunately, you can't tell a victim that it's okay to stay in an abusive, harmful relationship and then just comfort the victim when the victim does, in fact, have choices that are healthier. That would be enabling and condoning such behaviors to continue.

I agree with these statements (and the rest of what you wrote).

I think people here are trying to encourage you (the OP) to make a healthy choice here.

Also, twice in two different threads you (the OP) have stated that the relationship is "beyond repair". Since you feel that way, what is there left to try and salvage?

I agree that staying for the sake of the child can be even more damaging for the child to witness a toxic relationship and/or affairs.

[Open Eyes]

I think the fact that you want to navigate these challenges in away that is not abandoning this 13 year old that has bonded with you on such a deep level. Thirteen is a very vulnerable age where he is not a baby but also not an adult and is not very skilled.

He is going to be watching you as you navigate through this challenge with his father. Sadly both his parents have not considered his welfare. The important thing to focus on is the failure is in the father and has nothing to do with this child’s worth. (Or your worth).

We can hope someone we care about is respectful and honest but there are times the person is just not what we hoped. It never means we don’t deserve the honesty and respect.