I'm a scumbag

I spent so much time trying to fix myself, theraphy after theraphy.. and now I have all my problems and past figured out and I'm still antisocial douchebag.

Goals over people. Power over love and friendship. Surrounding myself with useful people who mean nothing to me once they stop being useful. My head wrapped around power and admiration and being NO. 1. Rules and law mean nothing. I cant go through single day without lies and manipulation. Regrets hit only when I get caught.

And I like it. My 3rd theraphy is over and its not much more I can do about my problems and traumas. I'm a narc with strong sociopathic traits and I'm gonna die alone. Even though I really want to be the good guy. Its crazy. I guess some people are just bad and thats it. Thanks for reading.

Recognizing behaviors and traits is the most important first step. What have your therapists told you about your diagnoses? Do you feel like you cannot change any of your antisocial behaviors? Do you want to change, or do you prefer status quo?

I struggled with my mom and I gave up on socializing when I was 5-6 years old because of her toxic influence. I withdrew. Instead of being with people I developed narcissism and then it grew bigger and bigger, turning into very agressive antisocial behavior. The conflict between me and my mum is gone, but I spent nearly 20 years in isolation, living in very "destructive" mode. Thats just my way now. The only way I know.

Very much so.

I'd like to manage it better so somebody could stand being in the same room with me in the long term.

What (if anything) did the therapists give for practical advice/suggestions?

Have therapists so far been of any help? I have found it's difficult to find a TRULY effective and helpful therapist who makes a difference. Have you found the same?

It takes a lot of effort and work to change conditioned behaviors but you sound very self aware which is another important aspect to actually changing.

I feel similar about having all my problems figured out but still being f'd up. I think we're just constantly fed a lie that therapy will somehow cure us or at least change our ways but not from my experience it just helped me cope with my crap but it all still exists.

I think therapy is worth it for the self-reflection but I wish they would stop putting it on a pedestal and admit it loud and proud that we'll all still have symptoms afterward. We just need to accept ourselves as we are after therapy and try not to hurt others or ourselves.

This is only a guess. Do you suppose that you always feel like you have to be in control (and not let anyone see who you are inside), because if they did they might not like you and it is safer to live like that and not take any chances? I don't think you are bad, but I think you are in such terrible pain.

Why do you want to be a good person? I want to be one, too, and I try to be one and I think I'm mostly successful in this, but I honestly don't get why I want to develop to become a truly empathetic and mindful person. It may be mostly theory, the knowledge that your own freedom ends where another's begins. Plus a general understanding of pain and what it does to you, and thus can do to others. "Avoiding pain" might the most basic principle.

So I guess I have an inclination of why I want to be a good person. Why do you want that?

I feel like I'm missing out on real connections with people and I'm gonna regret it the moment my life comes to an end.

That's a good reason, it's partly mine, too. But it's a painful road to increase your emotionality. So I wouldn't recommend it unless you're at least half-way masochistic.

Living without it is not life. I can feel it. I'm doing really well on every freaking surface of my life and I can tell I'm losing, big time.

So dive, then. Accept the pain as a neccessary evil, accept the insecurities and the judgement, the anger and fear of others. Instead of putting your head through a wall when confronted with these feelings, you must learn to let them pass through you. It is a bumpy road and you may never reach the end (noone ever will, there is no end, unless you count death), but you may sometimes feel the good in addition to the bed.

There is no need to feel insecure or in fear of judgement from others - not when one is secure within themself and when one feels good about oneself. That's a negative spin on allowing yourself to be close to other people, and to allow yourself to be vulnerable to emotions and to be authentic. There's something very powerful and positive involved in authenticity and in just being a real human with other human beings. We all share emotions and vulnerability in life. But what's the point of living if you can't feel, be authentic and if you can't truly experience all that life brings?

I feel you, Have Hope, though I think the road would be a burden Big Bubba would have to face without the training you may have aquired in your lifetime. As children, we are short-term thinkers, we can shrug of pain more easily and thus learn to deal with it in a constructive fashion. Perhaps I am projecting my experience on BigBubba, but I very much assume that he has not (as I have not) aquired those skills, so I think taking that path would be very disruptive, but that is not to say it wouldn't be worth it. It is after all the path I chose for myself many years ago, but it was and is not at all an easy path to take. I am willing to concede if proven otherwise

Actually I've learnt quite a lot about socializing with people. I'm scared about my antisocial habits when I'm in distress. I tend to intimidate people. And when I feel attacked, I become hostile towards literally everyone.

Do you think you're able to ever stop having antisocial habits while in distress or is this something that's here to stay? Were those habits part of the therapy goals you were saying you worked on?

And maybe this is a stupid suggestion because I don't know much about antisocial habits but I'm a really direct person so I usually tell people that if they don't leave me alone / stop talking to me I'm going to flip out and to please give me space.

What if you just told the person that you're in distress and you're going to intimidate them because you feel attacked so give you space? And then go take your space to bring it down to a manageable level.

Exactly.

So I would persume, if I may, the following phases:
1) What ThunderGoddess said
2) Learn to endure it without reacting
3) Learn to endure it with constructive reactions

Good luck

How's that working for you? What are the reactions you get? How do you voice your requests, exactly?