My family mess

So here is the story. Since my parents passing I have spent every xmas and holiday with my brother, SIL and SIL's mom who was always very nice (to my face.)

The last time I saw them all was xmas 2019. The entire xmas 2019 my SIL and my brother fought like cats and dogs. My brother had been alluding to the idea that I would let him come live with me at my townhome. Absolutely not. I told him in no uncertain terms no. I really assumed nothing of it other than I did live in paranoia that he might just show up with all his belongings.

Now as to why, it is because he is abusive. He smokes dope all day (medical) has no job and has suggested he would hurt my cat. But beyond all that he needs to shut up and get along with his wife. Who he is lucky to have.

I really thought nothing of it, until, thanksgiving of 2020 came along and I didn't hear from him, I thought maybe covid?

Then thanksgiving 2021, nothing.

Ghosted. I assumed it was just my brother throwing a hissy fit and who knows what he told his wife and son. But I assumed it was covid related.

But today I found out her mom died. Months ago! That very nice lady who was always nice to me I didn't even get to say thank you to or go to her funeral. I cannot believe it but it appears I am really ghosted for life. By all of them. What the HECK was my sin? Really ? Was it really telling him he wasn't going to come live with me after destroying is marriage? Wow. And since he couldn't tell them that, what did he tell them that they wouldn't even notify me?

I immediately in a fit of anger unfriended him and her off my facebook page.

Here is the thing... I have a cousin who I never talk to... she is another user, but she has never respected my bounderies so much so that after nicely declining a lot of her invitations and her not getting the message I just stopped answering. She is very inappropriately pushy -- once asking me what my salary was so she could go back and tell my brother and the family. But I am dying to know what happened? Should I facebook her and ask what happened ?

Here is the danger... I always suspected that this would be the time my brother's wife might leave him. Not only would she have an extra house (in the area she wanted to live) but the estate she would get from her mom would leave her well off. The house itself is worth 800K. Her son is about 16 so, he isn't exactly a little kid anymore and, marrying my brother (and staying with him) is something that mom and her parents really wanted. So she can now do what she wants. So at this particular time, I don't want to connect in anyway with my brother that might open the door.

So asking my cousin who is actively posting about the death on their social media is obviously putting the connection out there.

I am just shocked. I mean I always suspected that my brother and I would never be friends as adults but it still is shocking.

That is very shocking.

Shocking is the word. My brother didnt tell me about my SIL passing until 6 months later, when - at the urging of a cousin - i called him to inform him of another cousin's passing. I am still dumbfounded.

Honestly, i think they expect us to bow to their inherent male superiority. We should be grateful - another time we would have been burned for witches.

Bizarre. Totally makes no sense. I don’t even think it’s male superiority.

My SIL (husband’s sister) treats my husband in totally bizarre manner. They are not estranged or anything but there’ve been times she wouldn’t tell him someone died, she didn’t tell us she travelled to our state, she puts him down, makes disparaging comments and in general just doesn’t treat him right. She also loves to bring up some childhood grievances that he can’t do nothing about!

Her latest stint was getting mad at him for DNA results. They’ve been talking about doing 23 and me or one of those. So he went ahead and did and was reading the results to her and she literally told him it’s wrong and he’s not understanding it right. He was on speaker phone (I hate when they do this but that’s how they talk) and she was arguing that he is wrong and that their uncle so and so told her they XYZ and my husband is all wrong. I first thought she was joking but she literally didn’t.

Reading this makes me feel less alone. I recently found out from a cousin on social media that my uncle/godfather died a year ago! No one told me or my brother. My father and sister both knew.

Interestingly, I probably had been in most frequent contact with him. We used to message back and forth, sharing pictures and what was going on in our lives. Then, suddenly the messages stopped. I didn't think to ask my dad if something had happened to him, since I figured he would have said something. My sister doesn't want me to bring it up with my dad for some reason.

I am taking a break from contact with both of them, I am so mad. I will speak to my brother since he was also left in the dark.

Anyways, I don't blame you for being mad. They should have told you about her mom, especially since it sounds like you had a good relationship with her.

Oh my gosh! Thats shocking.

Im sorry that has happened but if I were you I would stay clear and not bother asking just yet. I understand you may really want to know, but is it worth the risk of becoming involved in the drama and potentially being used again by your family?

Yes so you must know my brother. The worst part is that he is a liar to fit his world view and who knows what he tells his family about things.

I am a little ambivilent today after getting over the shock. He isn't good for me and, in fact, most of the people in my family aren't. So, though painful, to know you have a family like this, I should be greatful I am away from them. In particular him.

Though her mom was always nice to my face, I don't know for sure if she was nice behind my back. I feel like that was their M/O. She got my bath products every year for christmas.. I always thought that was some sort of dig.

It is a shocking situation.

If they thought they were being smart by not telling you immediately, then no, they've made themselves look very silly.

In a similar situation (thankfully no deaths), I can relate to what you are saying. My brother lives in a fantasy world. His wife governs his life, except when he's at work. We are estranged because of her unacceptable behaviour towards me and our mother's poor influence. I know lies have been told about what I'm doing but eventually it filters out. This has happened to me recently, months after a particular incident. I put the record straight; a defining moment for some.

I'm being ghosted by some members of my family. It's their problem not mine. Be true to yourself

So I ended up telling my last remaining friend in the world... her reaction? My fault. ''

Seriously what is it with everyone? Apparently it is my job to immediately make a woman feel better who didn't bother to tell me anything. Because that is the "right thing to do"... um.. no.

My friend says "Your brother could have told them something like he told you but you didn't respond."

Right, and so one else in the family would say anything at all? That doesn't happen unless they have been asked not to.

She goes you have nothing to lose, but, apparently has a stubborn learning block when I told her that I do have something to lose... if my SIL chooses to divorce my brother (and this would be the time) and we are still in "contact" he could show up here with all his stuff and push his way in. Forcing me to have a nasty scene calling the cops OR just let him live with me for the rest of my days... now that he has cut off contact and I presumably have no idea... he will likely not choose here first.

He does not respect bounderies so why would I try to reestablish contact when I am going to get nothing out of it and only could end up being used?

Advice is so bad lately. When people show you who they are, believe them.

I’m so sorry, Natalie. No, it’s not your fault at all and I can’t blame you for feeling shocked and possibly confused. I don’t have a clue what they think they’re doing, but none of it’s fair to you (granted, your brother doesn’t sound fair/rational anyway). Your friend is out of line, too. I don’t understand why we get told to forgive others for choosing to hurt us? If there’s an apology, remorse and steps taken to prevent it happening again, sure, but even then it’s a privilege, not a given.
Above all, you have the right to not be responsible for where your brother lives if/when his wife divorces him. He’s an adult, he should work it out for himself.

I would not contact the cousin.

They did not notify you when about her death etc. Although painful, I don't see how reaching out to know what happened, or satisfying this curiosity, would be beneficial to you. Quite the opposite. I see it as opening the door to further aggravation.

The person who was nice to you is gone. I would leave it at that. Even if you were to know what happened, it would not change a thing - she will remain gone.

Let sleeping dogs lie.

Thank you all. I completely agree with all of you... glad to have a agreement.

Ironically my "friend" lives with her husband -- she is divorced from him -- because he won't leave.