Mothers who weren't so "angelic"

Oh, I relate to this! There were people who thought my dad was charming/a gentleman, but he had a different side at home. Not overtly nasty, unless he couldn’t have his way, but he could be very entitled and had this nasty grin that he flashed when he knew he’d annoyed you. So much more I could say, too, but the gist is that, like with your stepfather, a lot of people have very different sides. We all have different aspects, of course, but most of us don’t have to go to great lengths to hide them.

My mum and I were actually pretty close when I was growing up and we still communicate daily through text. I'm sure she tried to raise me to the best of her ability- only her ability was lacking and I didn't turn out that great. Not all her fault.

Still, she's only human. No angel. Everyone has their flaws. Maybe it's also a cultural thing, we're quite down to earth and not that quick to call people angelic in my country

My mother was physically and verbally abusive; and I had no father around. I joined the army right out of high school; I was patriotic, but also I needed to escape from her. I grew up in poverty. The army (Womens' Army Corps) was the best decision I ever made.

I’m sorry a lot you had to go through it.
There are more cases than we think like this. Some people put on the nicest social mask and then, behind walls are true monsters.

Your friend wouldn’t ever comment on this personal issue without knowing more about what was happening and (s)he should support you in the best way possible, that is, in this case, listening with detail to what you had to say. 😘

Yes, I heard (because I don’t belong to any online social platform, other than this forum) and there’s a lot of fake or at least, not so marvellous as it may seem. Obviously, as it happens in face-to-face social life only that online it’s easier to pretend and there’s the incentive of receiving a like or lots of instant replies.

I forgot to add something. We are agree on both neglecting and overprotecting being harmful. And iI have just recalled my own personal case, I somehow had both, overprotection but at the same time, didn’t receive many care. I always was very confused with contradictory messages. Both equally harmful to built a good self-esteem. 😢

I do feel left out. Narcissists don't believe they need help, or that there is anything wrong with their behaviour

I experienced many contradictory messages. I was both over protected (in some ways) and neglected

I can relate to the over-protection and possibly neglect too.

The third degree about where I was going, who I was going with. Time to be home was always set before movie ended and often no negotiation allowed (even though it was a weekend). Lost friends because I couldn't join them.
Sat back and watched while my (younger) brother was allowed out with no questions, no strict deadlines.

The neglect came from her wish to never upset her new husband. No defence of her own children against his unreasonable attitude. Only since I've gone through thirties, forties, fifties and into sixties do I realise how much she wanted to manipulate me into being the same character. Closed mind, subservient but still expected to put up with her every mood and whim.

Well here in the U.S. we are getting images of smiling mothers and their kids shoved down our throats.....I don't think this is a day in other countries. Here it's a "weekend" and even the weather forecast will show hearts and flowers and "Mother's Day" in big, bold letters.

Seems there's no awareness of people whose mothers are deceased, are/were abusive or cold, or both in some cases.

I didn't know where to post this but thought this thread seems a good place.

Here in the UK, Mother's Day was in March. It's always before Easter. During the Covid lockdowns, one very well-known store mentioned in its e-mails that they were sorry if they offended anyone who had recently experienced illness/loss. It didn't appear this year. Adverts for chocolate didn't mention the day specifically.

Its origin is more interesting. Historically called Mothering Sunday, it was the day when staff (servants) were allowed time off to visit their mothers.

My mother chooses to go to my brother on that day. Not going to argue with her, I just welcome the opportunity to do what I want. She gets gift and card the day before, often with a cream cake!

Thanks for posting. I'm making it a point not to listen to my favorite radio station this weekend because ALL WEEKEND they are going to keep telling me about today.

COVID isn't even mentioned here, except as statisitics and an afterthought. Never occurs to florists or candy makers that maybe someone just lost their mom to COVID. We've had over a million deaths here, and people are acting like this is over and that we don't have a million people GRIEVING too.

Here they bring out the flowers and candy right after Easter, to remind you of the next "holiday." It's not a holiday but it is treated as one, in many ways. Like Super Bowl Sunday which I couldn't care less about.

Mother's day is very triggering for me.When I was a kid I used to believe all mothers behaved like my mom .Spiteful,hateful,raging,physically,mentally,verbally cruel and abusive.I used to go to my friend's place after school to avoid my mom's hostility.I thought it was weird that my friend's mom used to smile at her and asked her if she was hungry.I thought mothers were supposed to beat, yell and be mean .I was that naive, Hope all the abuse survivors are healing and doing better.

It’s all about consumerism. That’s all.

I understand your confusion when you were a kid.
Sorry you went through that.

this mothers day hurt

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SO true. Even the founder was appalled at how commercialized it got and tried to abolish it. I wish they would. Let people celebrate or not...on any day they want. I read a few articles online that day about how hurtful it is for many people. It includes women who lost children, are struggling with adoption or fertility issues, regret being a mom, etc. Also women who are surrogate mothers, raising kids that are not their own, like stepmothers.

The article said we must be kinder in our "happy" greetings and be aware not all relationships are a Hallmark card. Those images are great but not the norm. It's fake and makes me people think this is how motherhood should be.

The forced or artificial cheerfulness is triggering to me. Father's Day doesn't have the same hype (or sales...) but it's still too much.


I thought all mothers were critical and didn't say "I love you" or hug their children. Guess I'm supposed to assume she loved me since she was expected to. I often wonder if she WANTED to be a mother or did it because, at that time, it was just expected of women of that generation.

Guess I have always taken the approach that if a Holiday doesn't apply to me or my situation that I just ignore it & don't let it bother me one way or the other. Saves a lot of personal grief. I feel good that others do have family to celebrate with but I also appreciate my own situation with a mom who died years ago & my daughter lives 1000 miles away and neither of us have money to waste on traveling. Life is what it is & we can be thankful for things we do have vs bemoaning what we don't have

I certainly was not an angel mom, I battled severe mental illness yet my daughter has forgiven me and we have an excellent relationship. My own mother never received help for her problems and was pretty selfish but all three of us have a good relationship with her. I think eskies suggestion is an excellent one. Bitterness doesn’t help one live a happy life.

It's hard to "just ignore" anything if you're constantly bombarded with reminders everywhere. Store displays, random people saying "Happy _____", TV commercials, billboards, signs on bustops, signs on buses, "well-meaning" friends, weather forecast, local headlines, calendar icons on my phone, etc. One would have to barricade inside and not to listen to or watch anything at all, except one's own music. And a "holiday" can last days or weeks now. There's no going out and "just ignoring" it. Other option is to not go out.

Don't call your dentist to make an appointment, don't order takeout to be delivered, don't pick up your package at the post office, etc. etc. You'll be greeted with "Happy____".

Yes life is what it is----which is unpredictable at best. Be "grateful" and then have that rug pulled out from under you too. It happened many times. Walk a mile in someone's shoes first.....walk that mile.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nonightowl It's hard to "just ignore" anything if you're constantly bombarded with reminders everywhere. Store displays, random people saying "Happy _____", TV commercials, billboards, signs on bustops, signs on buses, "well-meaning" friends, weather forecast, local headlines, calendar icons on my phone, etc. One would have to barricade inside and not to listen to or watch anything at all, except one's own music. And a "holiday" can last days or weeks now. There's no going out and "just ignoring" it. Other option is to not go out. Yes life is what it is----which is unpredictable at best. Be "grateful" and then have thatrug pulled out from under you too. It happened many times. Walk a mile in someone's shoes first.....walk that mile.

I have walked in those shoes but we each have a different way of dealing with the walk.

My point. That's what life is too: People who don't deal with things the same and maybe forced gratitude or positivity isn't for them. Glad you have family but no amount of gratitude or positivity is going to bring back anyone or change anything.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nonightowl My point. That's what life is too: People who don't deal with things the same and maybe forced gratitude or positivity isn't for them. Glad you have family but no amount of gratitude or positivity is going to bring back anyone or change anything.

No one said it will but I am not going to change my positive outlook or what I do to appease those who don't have it.

Same...on outlook.

I’m one of yours. Or even more radical. I celebrate when and what I feel like or have something to celebrate. I’m not bothered by people celebrating certain things on certain day but I can’t care less.
It was different when I was an adolescent and a young adult, I felt very bad because of I somehow felt forced to celebrate things when I had a social phobia I couldn’t handle it even a bit. It was a torture.
Now, I can’t care less.
Anyway, I can understand who and how other people may feel triggered.

I don’t want a day of the woman. I want equality of rights and go on the progress to change stereotypes. Day after day. Every single day in the year.

There is far too much commercialism.

We now seem to have grandparents day, teachers day, pets day. No one's come up with the idea of single persons day (yet!). All excuses to make money out of gullible people...

There's still much to be done for women's equality. Not only due to attitude but perception, cultural differences, ability. Yes, there are more and more women with careers in male dominated sectors (airline pilots, military, science, medicine), but there's still a long way to go. Sadly, we've had two female prime ministers here in the UK and neither did anything notable for women.

Unfortunately, it's sometimes too difficult for mothers to realise that their daughters do not want to be an instant replica of them. Although she's happier towards me now, because I've taken her clothes shopping, I know my mother is plotting the next put down where I'm concerned.