Rough times, need support

You gave him half of the deposit back for him to move out but he never fully moved out and is now back in. I’d ask for that money to be put towards expenses while you cannot contribute monetarily. What do your parents say to all this? Your dad is a mental health professional, does he think you should go back to work right now?

He's not forcing me back to work - in fact, he said take another week. It's coming from ME that I want to return to work in order to earn money and to be able to afford my expenses.

My husband spent money moving back in. He paid the movers by himself and I didn't help with that. The deposit money from last year is long gone. I do not have control over my husband's spending or finances. This is why we have separate accounts and entirely separate finances. I have attempted at least 100 times to help him to save more and to spend less. He doesn't listen, so it's out of my hands. I am the frugal one, he is not. That's just the way it is. I will say that he has improved in this area by quite a bit since he looks for coupons, and I do not, in fact.

And yes, things erupt under great stress. I worry about the future for that reason. I mean, both my parents have COVID right now. My father is over 80 years old with a lung disease, so he is very vulnerable. With COVID, who knows what could have happened with his health. THANK GOODNESS he is actually Ok and is on the mend.... but WHAT IF his health had taken a serious downturn? Even worse, what if he had died because of COVID?!? How would my husband have behaved then?

One thing that encourages me is that when I was hospitalized last year, my husband was there for me through thick and thin. He called me every single day, and sometimes multiple times, and he supported me through the entire ordeal. And, this go around when my health went downhill again, he has been very supportive, doing anything and everything that may help. All was stable until yesterday.

And now, I am thrown right back into feeling uncertain.

Financial issues answered above.

My parents do not yet know about our fight yesterday. They are livid, however, over his inability to save and his ability to spend.

I don’t think they need to know about your fights, I meant what your dad thinks about your health and ability to work

I think it’s definitely something to address in therapy together. Why things that go smoothly but immediately go downhill after one fight? Why is he not in a better control over things he says? He must know he says very mean things. It’s so uncalled for. Is he sober when he says all that? He needs to think what he says. Stress is no excuse.

I think therapy could maybe help on how to handle stress better and how not to escalate an argument into divorce or break up talk. There got to be some strategies for him and you both as a couple. Everyone has arguments but why is it always so bad. I hope you can have an appointment soon

I am sorry your parents are sick! I am glad your dad is on a mend. Covid is still a threat to people especially elderly. Praying he recovers soon.

It’s an interesting but confusing question: how would your husband react if something happens to your dad? Hopefully like a supportive husband/son in law/brother in law would? How do you think he’d react? I hope your dad continues thriving but it sounds like your husband has to learn how to handle life events. Again good topic for therapy

Please, listen to this inner guidance. Communication is vital - he keeps shutting the door to any communication and going back on his word to do anything and everything to make it work. Were these just words or did he mean it? If so, he has to show up and follow through.

I hope your boss can accommodate.. But the concern is: what if something else happens down the line - to either you or him - will he go through the roof again? He needs to work on his communication skills (i.e. drop the abusive behaviour and language directed at you) and stress management.

He really needs to commit to you through thick and thin, through actions rather than mere words AND be willing to work on it with you, despite whatever bomb life drops...

I hear you that it is not easy as you are already having a hard time and it takes energy to keep fighting the same ol' battle. Plus, feelings are involved and logistics - it it not easy. I would encourage you to be strong, and firm. Don't give up! Never give up on you..

My dad said if I’m 75% better I can likely work. I am able to focus better, read articles all the way through and I am able to set an agenda for my day far better. He also suggested modified responsibilities which my doctor agreed to request of my CEO.

Yes, he’s sober when he says these things. and I agree with you about therapy and also his lack of control. I mean, really? Things escalated yesterday into an enormous fight simply because I asked about his stress and how he’s feeling?!?! Unacceptable.

Thanks so much re: my father. Thank God he’s ok.

I think my husband would actually be quite supportive if something happened to my parents. He lost his father this last year, so I think he’d have great empathy. What I meant more so is if more stress were piled on right now in that way, I’m not sure but it could break us.

Thanks, Riv. I will not give up on myself. I will also try to strengthen myself somehow. I especially need to bolster my self esteem.

And, all valid points about my husband. I will mention this in our next therapy session, whenever that will be. The way he acted yesterday, he came across as a fair weather spouse. I felt almost abandoned. Unacceptable. I also felt incredibly demeaned which I felt was on purpose. Also unacceptable. I will voice this in therapy. You don’t kick someone when they’re down, most especially your spouse.

I have a couple questions. These are what I would ask myself. Posting answers isn't necessary.

You said if I can get him to go to couples therapy... what is your plan if he refuses to go or downplays the the argument? What does that behavior tell you? What does his refusal to want to go tell you?

It's a shame that he hasn't changed very deeply and still relying on his abusive behaviors. And now, your gut reaction is telling you to run again. I think you deserve a happier and healthier relationship. Relationships aren't just 2 people. It's 2 people in a specific and unique set of circumstances that constantly changes. The people need to navigate those specific things as a team. Does his lack of deeper change tell you anything you need to know? Are you functioning as a team with mutual respect and goals?

It's none of my business and I don't know your recent mental health issue beyond hearing voices. That certainly is an unusual stressor for a relationship. I can understand financial concerns and job worries having an impact on going back to work. It sounds like you are forcing yourself to go back though. Returning to work will eleviate stress for your husband. Will returning be what's best for your health and wellbeing? If your health doesn't improve beyond the point you are at now, your relationship will stay affected by the stress. How would you cope knowing your husband may stay stuck in unchanged behaviors he's refusing to discuss at the moment? What is your expectation and is it realistic?

I don't need answers to these questions. I know from personal experience that women who are or have been abused get tunnel vision and we forget to look around a little. I hope you look around a little and put your entire self first. You deserve a happy and healthy relationship.

Hello and thanks so much for your reply. You ask very good, valid questions. Up until Saturday, I felt things were generally very good. In previous couples therapy sessions he’s been open to my feedback and has made adjustments in his behavior. I believe he WILL attend therapy with me. In the heat of the moment he often says a lot of things that he doesn’t truly mean. He’s blowing off steam. Still…. He needs work and more improvement in the way he does this.

I’m going to think on your questions. I cannot answer them but I will definitely ponder on them.

Thanks again.

We've had a good day today, overall. It feels like we've gotten past the big argument and toxicity of yesterday, though I am still reeling underneath it all and deep down when I think about it. I am enjoying for now the pleasantness of this today, however, which is very nice in comparison.

Great that things are nice today!

YES. 💯 %.

However, I am very concerned about the chain of events that occurred on Saturday. His old behaviors resurfaced, and I didn't like what I experienced from him. Will this keep happening? Is he slipping backwards now? Or will he try to be better? These are questions no one can answer for me, and only time will tell with regards to how things unfold from here.

I need to discuss this with my therapist, however, I don't particularly love my therapist, who I think is on my husband's side of things. He's typically pointing out how my husband may feel and seems to downplay any abusive behaviors from him. I don't have the energy to look for another therapist right now. I feel a bit stuck.

What I think is your therapist's attitude would only work if your husband also went to a therapist that pointed out your side of things to him. lol
But yeah I'm serious.

Agreed! And I hope he does. We both have the same individual therapist, who is also our couples therapist.

I return to work on Wed. My CEO is willing to step down my responsibilities for a month and said we will reassess in one month whether I am still a good fit for them and vice versa.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to have same individual and couples therapist. It doesn’t seem right but who knows. Your t maybe defends your husband because of whatever he tells t in private. Maybe things about you

I think the issue isn’t if he is always going to behave nicely but lack of foundation in the marriage. Like it shouldn’t be falling apart and cause such turmoil after every argument. Something is amiss. Maybe some issues are not being addressed so they keep resurfacing. Plus why is it so hard all the time. You’ve been married less than three years and separated part of it. It’s unusually hard and it’s not due to stress, everyone has ton of stress ( it’s easier to blame on stress). What does your couples t think about the future of this?

I don't know yet what my couples therapist thinks. We haven't had a couples therapy session in a while.

And it's not always so hard. Like I wrote in my OP, the last ten months had been fine between us. It's only when major life stress comes up that things go awry in an argument. And this is the first major argument we've had in ten months.

Have your emotions leveled off a bit? You expressed how angry you were after the argument and how things have gone back to a little bit more normal. A return to work with some accommodations is positive forward progress too.

I think your point of view and concern about how your husband reacts and treats you in difficult times is very valid. From an outside perspective and not seeing the whole picture, I would hope you made an individual appointment to discuss your feelings. Life isn't always smooth and easy like it was in your 10 month reunited honeymoon phase. How people navigate the rough times is far more important than how the roll along with the easy times. If your husband insists on ignoring the rough times, you are 100% correct that he is a fair weather spouse.

There have been an enormous number of exceedingly stressful events in the last ten months, during all of which, except last Saturday, I gather that he endured the stress and treated you well. If that is correct, then I myself would not call him a fair weather spouse.

Hi, yes, my emotions have leveled off. Even though I am nervous about my performance level at work, I am happy to be returning and at a less stressful level for now.

I do have my own therapy tonight, during which I plan to address Saturday's events.

I don't really think he's a fair weather spouse. I think it's more so that when the pressure builds, and if I seemingly force him to talk about his stress, then he can implode under all the stress, which is what occurred. Of course, there is a very small part of me that wonders if he would leave during or after all the stress is over, based on his comments last Sat in which he said he would leave and not come back.

Bill, you are correct. He endured my hospitalization, my return to work, and all the stress I endured during my last job, which all came to a breaking point practically for me. At one point, I told him I was feeling suicidal, and we got through that. We've gone through a lot together.

Honestly, I learned that HIS trigger is me forcing him, or seemingly forcing him, to talk about issues when he's not ready or willing to. That's the straw that broke the camel's back on Saturday, but it had not been like that at all for the last many months.