Rough times, need support

I'm looking for support and compassionate replies to my plight in life and with my husband. This may be long, please bare with me.

Things had been pretty good between us over the last ten months since we got back together. We had separated over a year ago and were close to divorce due to his abuse towards me and fidelity issue on his part.

Before getting back together, he had promised me that he would do whatever it takes to keep the marriage together and to have me back in his arms, including individual and couples therapy.

Right now, individually we are facing enormous stress. He has a very stressful job, he lost his father within the last year, and his mother cries to him nearly every day about hating living with her daughter in-law.

I, myself, had to take an unpaid leave of absence from my new job due to mental health issues (ie, hearing voices). I am supposed to return to work next week, yet I do not know if I can actually handle the work itself, and it's very possible they could decide to let me go, after I've returned and IF I cannot perform.

My husband is very stressed about MY situation, about finances because I am not working and could be let go, about his mother, and about his own work.

Well, this morning it all came crashing down on us as a couple, and for the first time in months, I felt like I was back in a toxic dynamic with him all over again.

It started with him acting all stressed out after we had had a very nice and loving cuddling session in bed.

I commented that he seemed stressed, and he said, yes, you're very perceptive. I asked him why, since it's the weekend and he's NOT working, which should alleviate a LOT of his stress. He tells me he doesn't wish to talk about it, so I commented that he never wants to talk about it and how that's not healthy... all of which is true.

Well, that comment pushed him over the edge because he felt like I was forcing him to talk when he didn't want to. Suddenly, there was an outpour of all his stress, mainly financial, but then he tells me that I stress him out due to "all my problems".

I got really hurt by that comment, and the whole conversation downward spiraled from there.

He tells me that what I am going through is "not normal", and that I am not the same person he married. So, more hurtful comments from him towards me. I got even more hurt, and we began to argue back and forth, which went on for about an hour or so.

In the argument, he kept asking me if I wanted him to leave, and he kept commenting that it seemed like I didn't love him and that I wanted the marriage to end. I told him, no, it's the opposite - you're acting like YOU don't love ME, and as though YOU want the marriage to end, based on all your hurtful comments towards me. I felt he was projecting his feelings onto me. He even brought up possibly leaving and spending the night elsewhere for a couple nights. I told him, if you do that, then this is over.

That was this morning.

Fast forward to this afternoon, and we're hardly speaking. He is upstairs "not feeling well" and I am downstairs, all alone, writing on here.

He even said during this argument that we don't need couples therapy. I had suggested we stop arguing over it and talk about it when we see the therapist. So it seems he doesn't TRULY care to work on things in therapy together.

Rewind to over one year ago, and this is the dynamic of our marriage, but even worse, with yelling and screaming.

Again, it hasn't been this way since we got back together and all has been pretty much smooth sailing with no abuse and only. a few minor bumps that we quickly got over.

I feel seriously lost right now. I am even thinking that maybe I should leave him again, but I have no means to leave right now, and likely won't for a while to come. And I am not even sure that's what I truly want.

At the same time, I believe that once we get over this stressful period for both of us, that things will be far better. This is the first time in a very long time that I have felt this way.. it's the first time in a very long time that I have thought about leaving him again.

I don't know how to mend the fences between us right now. I am SO hurt by all he said, despite him apologizing for it all afterwards. It feels like there's a huge wall and gulf is between us now because we're not even speaking to each other, and he doesn't want to talk about it.

On top of this, I am still having symptoms, yet I have to go back to work to earn money again. I am seriously streeesssssed out.

Does anyone have any comforting words of support for me? Advice on how to mend the present wounds between us and advice on how to move forward?

I know he wants to just drop it and carry on as though nothing ever happened. That is not something i can easily do. What do I do????

EDITED TO SAY: I went upstairs to check on him, the conversation downward spiraled again, with him blaming me for our argument, and then he threatened to leave and never come back.

AND now we're both downstairs, not speaking to each other. We're sitting in silence watching TV.

He made me feel like CRAP about myself, as though I am some sort of leper by telling me that what I am going through is "not normal", and that I am "not the same person he married".

Marriage. or any relationship, takes effort. No one gets to decide how much effort the other person puts into it. All anyone can do is give their best effort in any given moment. Some people's best effort may not match our own.
I've never regretted giving someone else more grace, kindness or understanding than they deserved. It's only been in the last year or 2 that I've been able to do this with the abusive ex I have. I understand how difficult it can be. My only suggestion is to not say words you can't take back. Discussing this while one or both of you has emotionally charged words swirling around isn't going to help. Agreeing to sit in silence until fears and anger are under control is still agreeing. A half step forward after a 3 step backwards stumble is still forward progress.
As for feeling bad about his comments, neither one of you married stones. You are people who grow and change everyday. It's logical to say neither one of you are exactly who you were when you got married. It isn't fair of him to use it as a weapon, so it makes sense that you are putting up a defense. I think a couples session may help you both. If he doesn't want to, an individual therapist chat may be beneficial so you can find a better defense than awkward silence and brewing stressful reactions.
I hope you find a way to resolve this conflict.

Hey HaveHope, I'm so sorry it's stressful like this for you now. Hope it will work out for you two. I have a couple of thoughts that might help:

- If he doesn't feel ready to talk about his feelings and thoughts, don't push him, because it could come out very negative then if he hasn't processed them yet, like it did in this case. It works like that for me too, I know that much from experience. I can only share when I am ready and have processed enough so it is not raw and overly negative emotions.

- What could he do for you to get to feel better about the insults? Some way to undo their effect? A deeper apology? Anything else? If you can figure this out, could you tell him what you'd like him to do?

- Maybe he also got hurt by the argument, but if he doesn't want to bring up hurt feelings on his own, you could still tell him you are sorry too about all of it. Especially if he's willing to try and do what you think would help for you to feel better about it. But of course you could say it anyway, because he did apologise too, even if it will need more repair for your hurt feelings. If you did already apologise, then forget this suggestion of course, I'm only saying it because it might help with moving forward for the both of you. He might be able to hear you better too then.

I really liked your whole post, very wise and spot on IMO.

I want to say, the part that I've quoted, I've regretted it before. Because I just got emotional abuse from the person, having spoilt that person by my being too kind and understanding with her. Going out of my way to be like that to her.

I don't think I would be able to do it with anyone anymore. I don't understand how it works for you. Does it help you or the ex in any way?

Thanks so much for your kind reply and for your wise advice.

We did run errands together today after all of this. I am still hurt and upset but at least we’re having some togetherness vs arguing and fighting. I don’t know how to get past his hurtful words even though he apologized. He said he’s hurt too, but I said nothing hurtful so it doesn’t make any sense.

Right now though I do feel like I’m walking on eggshells in an effort not to upset or trigger him. It hasn’t been that way for the last ten months. I don’t know how to feel right now.

Thanks so much…

We did both apologize but it still hurts. Our relationship needs repair right now. He’s being nicer now but I’m still hurt by his words. And you’re right, he said he got hurt too.

I just don’t know how to repair things. We’re ignoring the issues right now and we’re acting as though all is ok. But underneath it all, it’s not really ok given the harm that occurred earlier.

I just need him to be supportive and loving like he’s been the last ten months. And to not take his stress out on me. Maybe we’re on our way back towards that again but I’m not sure.

What I’m concerned about is him backtracking to old behaviors. This morning very much raised my alerts. I cannot have a repeat of what happened today. It was a regression on his part. I guess he’s going to slip and fall sometimes, but if he regresses fully, I’m going to have to leave him again, and I don’t want that to happen.

I want to say first, I don't intend to hurt you or judge you. I'm only getting your half of the conflict so I'm not picking a side or anything, I'm trying to be supportive and help you with perspective.

I think he has a right to feel hurt, even though you believe you said nothing hurtful. I don't think you said anything hurtful, but I wasn't the other person in the conversation. I also think you would be really offended if he thought your feelings were wrong or unwarranted. Be kind and let him identify his feelings as hurt. Be patient until he can better identify what hurt actually means to him. He may be walking on eggshells too, mixed with some fear and worry about your health and feelings, just like you. But he isn't you, so he has to deal with his stuff in the best way for him. It's OK to be different in how you process things. (My first thought though, when does anything a man does make sense? I think men often think that about women.)

I've had some success in taking smaller steps in healing from emotional trauma. It's not the easiest or fastest journey, but at least it's progress. I wish you the best.

We also have not been intimate given what’s going on with me. I’m very sad and upset about it.

Thank you for giving perspective.

I really don’t see how he could have been hurt by anything I said though. I didn’t sling any insults, like he did towards me. He’s even said who would deal with someone like me, given my condition. Very hurtful and I said nothing of the kind in return. I’m nothing but kind to him, and when he’s being hurtful, at this stage I refuse to sling insults back at him.

To me it feels like it was his way of taking the attention away from HIS hurtful words and making ME the villain instead. That’s my own perception anyhow, and I just realized it right now.

That's very hurtful, yes. I think a simple apology would not be enough for me either to move on from that. What I would need (but I'm not you), would be: being told in a sincere way that they didn't actually mean that, that it was said only in anger in the moment, and then a lot of positive gestures to make up for it and a promise to never say that again (and actually keeping the promise).

As far as his side. Only he can know what felt hurtful to him, you can ask him about that though, I mean if he's prepared to talk about it.

I don't want to get off topic. As far as what I get from being kinder, more understanding, more gracious, etc, is the knowledge that I'm just a better person than my ex and everyone who witnesses me being kinder, more understanding, etc knows it too. My ex is abusive, hateful, cruel towards me even now 10 years after divorce. I have the mindset now that the opposite of love, hate, bitterness or any emotion is no emotion. Indifference means I control my actions and I choose to be a healthier, kinder person than he is. It ls like a shield that prevents his actions and words rom harming me. There's a bit of satisfaction in knowing it pushes his buttons that he can't harm me anymore too. But that's his reaction to his actions. Took me a long time to get here.

Thank you so much for validating my feelings. Yes, an apology does not fly entirely or fully resolve it. I will bring it up to him at another time, when the time is right. But yeah, that comment made me feel as though no other man would ever want me, which was his intention, I do believe. He used my condition as a weapon against me. Now that I’m focused on that, I’m even more hurt…. Insulted and livid.

All I want to do is cry right now and he’s having heart pains. He only has trouble like that when we’ve fought.

Isn’t it just a normal course of life, people could get sick and become incapacitated at any given time. Mentally or physically or both! No one plan for that but it could happen to anyone. When people get married, they have to kind of predict that their spouse might get sick at any time. If the person isn’t willing to put up with this, then they should probably not get married.

I’d discuss with him how he sees marriage? Just having fun? I think strength of marriage could be measured by how people deal with difficulties that might arise, in particular health problems . He is not being a strong partner at the moment.

Now what’s he saying “it’s not normal”. Duh. Well of course having auditory hallucinations is not in a norm! Does anyone think it is? He is full of it. You aren’t the same person, well no you aren’t! You got sick! He doesn’t know people get sick? And saying no one would put up with you, is he saying that all people dump their spouses when they get sick?

I’d not walk on egg shells. Nope. In fact I’d be direct and blunt with him about expectations of married life. Work, finances and health problems are all common stresses. If he can’t handle it, he might be better off single!

Now Id also sit down and talk with him about how you two can go forward so you don’t have to freak out every time one of you or both are sick and can’t work. There are steps people can and should take to avoid falling into a hole every time something goes sideways. As we get older we simply can’t afford to live care free with no safety net. It seems like your husband just wants to be care free.

I’d not avoid difficult conversations. Pretending things are great and avoiding upsetting him isn’t the way to go forward. Your goal now should be how to improve your health and how to manage job situations (new job, part time job, unemployment etc). You can’t afford focusing on how to keep your husband stress free. He is a grown man and he should manage his stress. Of course he could share with you that he is stressed but insulting you isn’t the way to go.

Oh of course he has heart pain now.

Oh yeah I want to add that everything I said was with the assumption that your husband does support you with actual actions, things he does for you to help you out and make your life more manageable, Have Hope. I don't know any background here but this was my default assumption

Thanks so much for your reply and input. I agree with you. He almost seems like a fair weather spouse, the way he’s behaving. I don’t know what to think. Is it his stress talking? Or is it really how he feels? I do have to talk about this, and I think In couples therapy with a third party.

Im so angry that I can’t see straight right now.

He actually has tried to help me a bunch in my plight and current situation. So there is that.

[QUOTE=Have Hope;7196239]

Hi Have Hope ……….I’ve edited your post to just comment on certain sentences that I feel , because of my own experience , are “ telling” .

“Things had been pretty good between us over the last ten months since we got back together. We had separated over a year ago and were close to divorce due to his abuse towards me and fidelity issue on his part.”

Right here your saying how things have been going well for awhile since you’ve “got back together “ . So your were separated and “close to a divorce “.due to his ”abuse towards you and infidelity “ So these are MAJOR issues right here that most likely have had a profound impact on your relationship that has yet to be worked out and communicated probably best in a therapeutic setting.

“Right now, individually we are facing enormous stress. He has a very stressful job, he lost his father within the last year, and his mother cries to him nearly every day about hating living with her daughter in-law. “

Here again we have MAJOR issues that need to be communicated in a therapeutic environment. Now I’ll say here that HIS issues should be worked on by himself.
YOUR issues should be worked on by yourself. And after some progress individually perhaps you’ll be ready to tackle the marriage issues. Only when you can talk to each other without playing the blame game and have honest conversation and open and calm communication would marriage counseling be helpful.

“I, myself, had to take an unpaid leave of absence from my new job due to mental health issues (ie, hearing voices). “

This sounds like a major mental health issue that needs to be addressed. You just need to take care of this FIRST and foremost and your husband may have great difficulty understanding what’s happening to you which can create an enormous frustration.

“My husband is very stressed about MY situation, about finances because I am not working and could be let go, about his mother, and about his own work. “

Again , issues that HE has to deal with.

“He tells me he doesn't wish to talk about it, so I commented that he never wants to talk about it and how that's not healthy... all of which is true. “

You are absolutely correct in stating that if he doesn’t communicate his feelings it will express itself in unhealthy ways not only for him but for the marriage.

“Well, that comment pushed him over the edge because he felt like I was forcing him to talk when he didn't want to. Suddenly, there was an outpour of all his stress, mainly financial, but then he tells me that I stress him out due to "all my problems".”

He is holding in all his true feelings and concerns. This can all be expressed in a neutral environment where he can feel comfortable in “letting it all out”.

“I got really hurt by that comment, and the whole conversation downward spiraled from there”.

Of course you got hurt by that comment and he says “ all your problems “ because he probably doesn’t understand what your going thru or how to fix it.

“He tells me that what I am going through is "not normal", and that I am not the same person he married. So, more hurtful comments from him towards me. I got even more hurt, and we began to argue back and forth, which went on for about an hour or so. “

His inability to understand what your going thru leads him to making hurtful comments which in turn immediately shut down any possibility of non-hurtful communication. Which leads to an hour of needless, worthless, argument.

“Again, it hasn't been this way since we got back together and all has been pretty much smooth sailing with no abuse and only. a few minor bumps that we quickly got over. “

Sure , things seem fine until all those old issues rear their ugly heads again.
You can get over the minor bumps but big potholes are lying ahead.

“ This is the first time in a very long time that I have felt this way.. it's the first time in a very long time that I have thought about leaving him again. “

Very long time ? This talk about leaving each other , isn’t only because you don’t understand each other ? Because you can’t talk to each other ? Now I know sometimes there are things that just “can’t be fixed”. Relationships doomed for failure. But are you sure you’ve tried everything possible ? Perhaps deep down you or he doesn’t really want to fix it. Honestly and truthfulness MUST be expressed .
Trustworthiness must be restored.

“On top of this, I am still having symptoms, yet I have to go back to work to earn money again. “

If your having “symptoms “ they must be addressed before you can go back to work or go back to anything !

“I know he wants to just drop it and carry on as though nothing ever happened. That is not something i can easily do. What do I do????”

This is what most people , who can’t or don’t want to talk about their issues say to
shut down the conversation. If you can’t do that then you have to let him know.
If you can do that , just to keep the peace then do it BUT insist that YOU come first ,
marriage comes second.

“EDITED TO SAY: I went upstairs to check on him, the conversation downward spiraled again, with him blaming me for our argument, and then he threatened to leave and never come back. /QUOTE]”

Of course the threats again. Obviously you can’t have any kind of a logical conversation with anyone who can only speak thru the emotional side of their brain. My final piece of advice to you based on personal experience , learn ,through whatever means , to strengthen yourself to the point where you can deal with life and whatever it throws at you , BY YOURSELF . If your relationship can work out , fine. If your relationship doesn’t work out , fine.
Best of luck to you..

I don't want to be unsupportive Have Hope and I can see how much he has hurt you. Again. But I think that sometimes, one has to move on. I have been refraining from posting because you clearly want to make things work and you say things have been good for the last 10 months.

To avoid any repeats in the future, I would be very clear re expectations and respect (boundaries). It is *not* okay for him to make you feel so... inferior, inadequate or unlovable and to 'attack' you at your weakest. It doesn't matter what his stress levels are, this is non-negotiable (or ought to be). This is life - we get stressed, we get sick, we struggle BUT you don't treat your partner this way. So, what is HE going to do about it.

I would be very clear about how he intends to change his behaviour and I would not put up with it again. You have given him so many chances. And life is so unpredictable, crap happens. So what? Is this how he will react when things gets tough? Honeymoon period over because he is feeling stress? Not acceptable.

[QUOTE=moodyblue83;7196521]Thank you so much for your reply and insights.

In response, we ARE in couples and individual therapy, each of us. However, he made it clear yesterday that he doesn't want to discuss what happened in a couples therapy session. He's shutting down communication and working on things together, and he's going against his word that he would do "whatever it takes" to keep our marriage together, including couples therapy.

You're correct in that he shuts down all communication over important issues, which makes it impossible to resolve the issues together. This is NOT healthy for either one of us, or for the marriage.

I am extremely frustrated at this point that he has regressed back to old behaviors, and over the fact that in order to keep the peace between us, I have to avoid conversation about stressful matters. I feel I am right back in an unhealthy dynamic again, and it's making me beyond uncomfortable. My entire soul is screaming out to me that this is NOT OK and is unacceptable.

And, the reason why all of this reared its ugly head again is due to such a high level of stress. He does not handle stress well, and I've noticed that he DOES regress when stress escalates to an unbearable level for him.

And yes, we are facing large issues. Over the last ten months, I have felt mainly very encouraged by his change in behavior. He seemed to have turned a new leaf and was embracing therapy and new behaviors that involved only being loving, respectful and supportive towards me. But now that we're under such enormous stress, he's changed.

I am working on resolving my own issues in order to return to work and be a contributing member of my household. I am on meds, I am in therapy, I have a pdoc, and I have used multiple energy workers to help me with the voices.... I am working very hard at healing myself right now. I am due back to work this week, and I am praying that I can keep my job and be somewhat back to normal again.

IF I can keep my job, the stress will die down considerably. IF I cannot, the stress will only worsen because then I will be on unemployment benefits and earning barely enough to scrape by. So, that's not preferable. The ideal scenario is I return to work, and my CEO allows me to ease into my job, with modified responsibilities due to my current condition.

So, in my longwinded way, I know he has unhealthy behaviors and that it's effecting our marriage, yet again. I also have an incredible itch to leave my marriage again, when my circumstances allow for that. I feel I've tried everything at this point - therapy included.

But right now I don't know which way things will go.

Oh Riv, I know..... You've always been supportive yet also very honest and forthcoming about the unhealthy dynamic between us, and about my own well-being. I've always appreciated your posts and replies.

IF I can get him to go to couples therapy either this week or next, I will definitely express that his comments and treatment of me were unacceptable. I would like to put my foot down, yet again, but since I am feeling more weakened right now generally speaking, I need to muster up the strength and courage to do so.

And yes, I hear you loud and clear about moving on. I know I have given him many chances. Since I did see massive changes and improvements in his behavior over the last ten months, I am hoping we can return to that place again. But it may be too difficult to return to that and he may be too far gone again due to all the recent stress. I just don't know.

Maybe I'm being foolish. Maybe I'm being a hopeless romantic. However, at the same time, I do have the desire to leave him again, as mentioned above a few times. I just don't know what will happen at this juncture. Things could improve, or they could worsen. I just pray that I can keep my job since we really do not need any more additional stress, which will put both of us over the edge and which will make things between us unbearable. I cannot go through something like that again with him. I do not have the strength this go around.

I’d demand he makes serious adjustments to his spendings in order for you take longer leave or eventually take lower paid jobs or work part time. It’s supposed to be in sickness and health.

I’d not tolerate my spouse being lazy or not following proper treatment ( by licensed MDs). But I’d not force him to hurry up back to work in this condition. Well my husband wouldn’t be able to work his job hearing voices anyways. But that’s besides the point

. “Contributing household member” doesn’t mean sick people must hurry up to work when sick. There are other ways to contribute.

What if you were physically seriously unwell or needed surgery? Would you have to hurry up back to work?

Now no one can be expected to be loving at all times or never have an argument. But it seems that this marriage falls apart every time something goes wrong. But things go wrong all the time. Everyone has work and life stress and have family members sick and dying or getting in trouble. He is unprepared for life then if he expects things to go smoothly at all times. One can wish for the kind of life. I don’t know anyone who has no stress or family and health problems.