Rough times, need support

I agree that this is a very disturbing comment for a therapist to make.

Where to begin? The whole point of therapy is for a client to come to a better place than (s)he is at right now. The therapist's job is to help you do that, if that is what you decide you want, rather than complain about where she perceives you to be now--and she shouldn't be invalidating/insulting about where she thinks you are now. She shouldn't issue threats. She shouldn't be trying to push you to where she thinks you should be.

I agree with Bill. It’s one thing to suggest strategies to you and empower you but it’s a different story if she insists you must stand up to him or she will not see you. She’s met you once and she acts like she knows it all what you can or cannot do.

I agree, this is a disturbing comment for a therapist to make. Issuing threats like that - a massive red flag. It sounds like it's about HER, not you... she is trying to push you to where SHE thinks you ''should'' be.

Thank you all for saying as much. It IS disturbing. I think I will cancel the second appt and will say something to her about this. I feel the need to point it out. It’s just plain wrong.

This is what I just wrote to her - I kind of let her have it… it may be a bit harsh, but whatever. I’m paying her and for what?

Hi Janet. I’d like to cancel our 2nd appt that is scheduled in a couple weeks. I’ve processed our first session and have determined it’s not a good match for me. Your thought process is far too black and white for me, and I don’t like that you said you can’t work with me if I’m unwilling to stand up to my husband. I felt you jumped to false conclusions based on very little info and when you’re missing the whole picture. You also jumped to false conclusions about me, again, with not enough info. Frankly, I’m very put off by your tone overall and by your approach. I need someone who can help strengthen me and sit with me through the murkiness, regardless. That doesn’t seem to be you. Therefore, I don’t wish to proceed further. Thank you.

I'm sad to learn about a new bad chapter of your relationship with your husband since I was aware that you struggled with his narccisism back in a day. Its a shame.

Thank you. It is a shame. That’s how I feel.

Do you guys think I was too harsh?

No. You don’t owe her anything.

You don't owe her anything (I agree)

Perfect. Thanks!

Thanks Fuzzy!

You know what's odd? Is that this therapist tells me to stand up to my husband. and I felt like I had to stand up to her!!! WOW, unreal.

Divine is right - a 180 degree turnaround in one year is not realistic or even feasible.

My husband is showing old behaviors - yet again. Yesterday he went on the attack against me, when it turns out he was actually upset about it being a holiday without his father around.

He accused me of not being able to take ANY feedback whatsoever, when in fact, he's the one who gets defensive whenever I point out a behavior of his that I don't like. He also told me I am the "most impatient person he's ever known" (hurtful), when in fact, I show more patience than most people would have when it comes to him.

There are other things he said and insinuated (all projections), but I am realizing that the changes he has made do not extend to all of his old bad behaviors.

I am disappointed and discouraged that our therapy is not helping and that his individual therapy is not helping much.

He hasn't yelled or anything, but he did bring up breaking up again, in the heat of a dispute yesterday. This is something he does - threatens a breakup whenever there's a disagreement, which does not lend to a stable relationship. It lends to instability and insecurity within the relationship.

I don't know what to do.

I feel like after that and after the fight a couple weeks ago that he doesn’t really care to be with me. I wonder why he is with me then. I’m not getting warm fuzzy feelings right now.

My self esteem has taken a beating lately and that’s why I feel so weakened. My last job did me no favors in this regard - I got beaten up by my CEO for not having enough confidence. Then I got sick and had to take medical leave from a new job. My husband tells me what man would deal with my problems. As though I’m a leper.

I’m not feeling great and my husband decided to verbally attack me yesterday, cutting me down further.

And today, this morning, I’m like - I don’t deserve any of this. I don’t need to be his punching bag simply because he’s missing his deceased father.

This morning I bought flowers and my husband had to criticize my choice because a few are broken or dead.

If he doesn’t shape up I’m going to want to leave again. But I don’t feel safe or supported in couples therapy so that’s a joke.

Argh.

I would ask what he doing with you then? Because according to his words, it is a burden or a sacrifice to be with you because nobody else on earth could possibly put up with you?!

Unbelievable.

I know, right? If deep down his goal is to make me feel insecure in this relationship, or insecure in general, it's somewhat working. I have to tell myself opposite scenarios to combat his words.

My gut is telling me that he has been venting on me about other things that are bothering him, but his words do not help me to feel like he is just venting.

Absolutely, I think your sense of him maybe venting (read: taking it out on you) hits the marks. It is okay to vent but not to take it out on one's partner. His communication skills are undermining, belittling and frankly insulting.

I agree with you, Riv. And we need a good couples counselor who can point these things out to him, vs. me always pointing them out. I am on the hunt. Emailed two yesterday, and I plan on calling a third today.

I'm really sorry.

I think your gut feeling makes sense, like he was being impulsive, saying things in anger that he doesn't actually mean.

I personally am trying to deal both with difficulties like you (probably not the same diagnosis but it's still a lot of stress and difficulties) and with the fact lately that everyone I've known and cared about, and who also seem to have cared about me, is going to say things in anger like that. It just seems inevitable....human beings - us included - really are fallible. I just want to find strategies for stopping bad drama before it goes too far like that.

Also I want to do that because, due to my extra stress and current difficulties, I do find it harder to let go of and forget what was said in anger, I think in the past I dealt with it more easily, pushed back more easily before drama would escalate too much, and ironically enough, it all somehow didn't escalate as much, or if it did, I was more able to get over it faster. I may have been forgetting about it all too easily too, I don't know, but now it's like the negativity from it lingers around a long time. So I want to avoid such issues in future with people. And I want to not have to stay with the negative memory for so long, it does make my stress even worse.

I think the fact that your husband did apologise afterwards is already something. The people I have in mind did not try to apologise or not easily....even people who are otherwise religious.

I'm going to open a thread on this topic though, I think if I said more here it would end up hijacking your thread. Don't know how much of what I've said is relatable, I just felt like I could relate to you about people getting nasty after trying to help and give support.

I really hope you two can work it out to not escalate things between you two while the stress is so high for both of you. I understand he was doing bad behaviours before but also that he's worked on it a lot, and that's great and he should of course continue that work.

How much is an apology worth if the same behaviour keeps happening over and over again.

An apology ought to imply: 'I messed up, I am sorry, I will work on it so it does not happen again' not 'I may have messed up, I am saying sorry but hey, I have no intention of changing'

What is even the point of an apology otherwise if there is no change of behaviour whatsoever.

Best of luck Have Hope! I hope you get someone truthful but supportive of you. Keep trying..

Thank you.

This is what I am dealing with myself. The negative things said have stuck with me, causing me pain and conflicted feelings towards him. I get why he said these things, yet the apology did not change the behavior, as Rive points out. That's bothersome.

100% agree!