Rough times, need support

THANK YOU!

Yeah, exactly. That's why we can never stop focusing on personal growth or the new habits for new behaviours cannot be implemented and maintained.

Actually, in the recent past, he has said things like "I'm not perfect" and "I will work on it", when I've pointed out the behaviors.

He seems to have been ramping up recently for a release of pent up emotions. And unfortunately, that all came down on ME.

I feel pretty discouraged right now about all of this. I had a dream last night where I told him I am not happy. Or, I told someone I am married to that I am not happy. It wasn't even him in the dream.

I am not happy about these recent incidents, that's for sure. And I feel like pulling back from him as a direct result.

I have been journaling the incidents, every time there's tension or a rough spot between us. I am cataloguing the incidents. My memory is poor, so this helps me to recall specific details. I am going to continue to document what's happening when it happens, to help myself. If another pattern is developing again, I will see it unfold in my journal. This will help me to decide what to do going forward, and whether I need to leave him again. It's possible that with a better therapist, these behaviors can be addressed through therapy. I am hoping that's the case. I still need to find a therapist.

I cannot just flip my emotions from one end of the spectrum to another. He's being all cutesy now and loving with me, and I feel like being standoffish. I am still processing his hurtful words and actions as of late and the unfair, false accusations he made that were all projections of his issues onto me. I feel like he took my happy bubble and burst it, and on purpose. I am angry that he did this to me.

AND, I am still processing what that awful female therapist said to me. She also blamed me for having a string of abusive relationships. She told me I chose to be in an abusive relationship! It's never CHOSEN.... it happens and we don't see it coming. Who the heck in their right mind actually chooses to be abused? No one! I am still upset over that meeting with her and cannot believe the words that came out of her mouth towards me.

I mean, what kind of therapist says "you've been choosing abusive relationships" in the very first meeting and without knowing my background/childhood and without knowing the context of any of those relationships? That's automatic victim blaming. I am astounded by this woman, after only one meeting! And then to also assume that I never stand up for myself with my husband, despite having left him a year ago?

Sometimes I cannot believe the words I am writing on here. That woman is a terrible therapist and does not deserve a license. She could actually do more harm than good. Thank goodness I had the wherewithal to withdraw from her.

She didn't build empathy, understanding or trust with you. She came in all guns blazing, and she was wrong. This is not the way to start a therapeutic relationship.

As for your husband
I do agree that a good therapist can make a heck of a difference... but primarily one needs to want to change and actively work on that. Just like you are working hard on yourself, he needs to want to change himself.. and not give up at the first hurdle.

With a better therapist, I am hoping that *you* get the support you need in this dynamic.

In a very first meeting she already knows what you do or don’t do or what you choose. Wow. She was clearly in a rush to make assumptions!

YES, she did!!! She was downright just awful. The more I think on it. the worse it is.

My husband has made some important changes, so that's good at least. But he still needs to work on the rest. And thank you, I hope so too!

Very much so! And I resent it!!

I reached out to my abuse advocate today to schedule a call. I am going to now follow up to receive support and help in navigating my circumstances and relationship. There's a number of logistical reasons why I cannot leave him right now, and largely it's financial. And I am wondering if this is the beginning of me going down that path again. I am not happy with how he has behaved lately and now he's being mr lovey dovey and I am just simply wary of him and feel standoffish. He got to explode on me, so to speak, and I am still reeling from the harsh criticisms, anger, projections and false accusations I received from him.

I am also in a position at work where I could lose my job. If I lose my job, then I definitely have no means to leave him anytime in the near future.

I have reached out to a couple more therapists as well. I had no luck with one I just spoke with the other day. So I am still seeking a strong individual therapist for myself and a good couples therapist for us.

I also re-joined an abuse forum on Facebook for women in abusive marriages. Several women falsely assumed he's a narcissist, simply because he exhibits some of those traits. He can empathize and so I don't believe he's truly a narcissist.

Right now I don't know how to feel. Yesterday, I was super down spirited, about work and about my relationship. I cannot really take any more. I don't feel strong enough to handle a lot of stress and upset.

And the thought of leaving him again brings up many different emotions. I don't know if I can go through another complete upheaval in my life. Separation and divorce is enormously stressful and difficult emotionally. I just don't know if I can face all that all over again.

Just spoke with mom. To top it off, my dad's health is not good. He hasn't recovered from having covid, his oxygen gets low whenever he tries to exercise, and he has persistent headaches. He should have been recovered from covid by now, it's been about three weeks since he was diagnosed, so the complications are with his condition.

I cannot handle losing my father and going through another separation or divorce process at the same time. My mother is worried about how long my dad can live, given his lung disease and now complications from covid. And, he's over 80 years old.

I'm really sorry to hear this news.

Thank you, @Bill3.

Also I realized how isolated I am and feel lately. We don't see our friends independent of one another nor do we see friends together, hardly. I am starting to feel suffocated and very isolated, which goes against my nature.

Last night I confronted my husband with his behavior last weekend, and the result? He withdrew from me, barely cuddled with me all night and then barely kissed me goodbye this morning. Withholding is a form of emotional abuse, and that's exactly what he's doing right now. I am not allowed to tell him that what he did bothered me, apparently, or else I will lose his affection and love. I told him he cannot take his moods out on me. So this is what I get?

I am becoming very weary of this routine. As soon as he moved back in it seems, it's all started all over again. I feel SO foolish for having believed he could change. SO FOOLISH. The only thing he is NOT doing which HAS changed is he is not yelling at me in explosive anger. But his outburst towards me last weekend, "you're the most impatient person I've ever known!" may as well have been an explosion in my mind.

And now I am wondering if his mother is abusive, too. She keeps saying very hurtful things to both her sons, ie "you've abandoned me! My sons do nothing for me!", when one of her sons is taking care of her and has welcomed her into his home. My husband excuses her hurtful comments by saying she is still upset about losing her husband and about not having been there on the morning that he passed away in the hospital. She feels very guilty for staying home that day. But my husband excuses her hurtful words. And this is something that he does himself, to ME. He dumps all his upset out on me and says very hurtful, mean things, when really, he's upset about something else entirely different. Either way, t's NOT OK. This is unacceptable.

I am getting very sick of this, very quickly. My patience has worn thin.

I have a call set up with my abuse advocate on Tuesday - this appointment cannot come soon enough.

And once again, I am stuck in my relationship due to finances. If we weren't married and if we were not living together, I would have broken up with him over the fight he caused two weeks ago. This very well could be the beginning of the end - yet again.

WHY do I even bother posting on abuse forums for women on Facebook? Posters constantly assume that my husband is a narcisssist, and frankly, I am getting sick of that assumption and self diagnosis. I do not know if he is one. He may exhibit some traits, but I am not going to assume he is one unless I have tons of evidence.

I don’t think it matters if he is narcissist or not. And they can’t really know on online forum. He does sound like one possibly by what you described, but does it matter? I think the only thing matters is if you feel content in your marriage. If you are, then who who cares about online forums and diagnosed.

But if you aren’t, then it doesn’t matter if he is narcissist or simply a jerk or you are just a bad match. I also think women on that forum likely just want to help the best way they can in online forum.

They might also be hyper vigilant when it comes to abuse/bad relationships. They might see things differently as they’ve been there.

Take what’s useful for you and disregard the rest.

I personally think they're so mired in the abuse that THEY have experienced at the hand of a narcissist, that they assume all abusers are narcissists. Wrong.

It does matter because an abusive narcissist will not change. Therapy will not help, in this case. An abuser CAN change and therapy CAN help. So it DOES make a difference in my marriage what his diagnosis is. That being said, abusers rarely change that dramatically, statistically speaking. I knew this, but I believed his words and promises of change, instead.

Maybe some people change. I think it’s uncommon. I know personally I try to curb some of my behaviors but deep inside I am who I am so I think others might feel similar, they could curb some behaviors but you can’t change your core.

I believe when your husband says he changed. He thinks he did, maybe. But his core just comes through. Even in absence of abuse some relationships just are too difficult to sustain. My ex husband wasn’t abusive and neither was I but many years later he still tires me up and annoys the heck out of me, luckily I see him or talk to him infrequently and only in relationship to my daughter. But I need a nap every time I see him and he does absolutely nothing bad and neither do I. It’s just like I don’t know what it’s but it’s like chalk on glass. We manage to disagree all the time over things that are of not importance. Some things just don’t work and never would. We are in our mid 50s and even though we are very friendly on surface, we interact with each other the same way like when we were 20.

People just don’t change. In my opinion, people either figure out how to handle each other and manage it together or they end it and move on and find partners who they match better or stay single. I just don’t see any benefit in trying to change anyone. What you see is what you get. It’s either ok with you or it is not.

I feel you are wasting years of your life trying to change him. I’d either try to see if you can be ok with him or dump him.

When I worked in mental health with teenagers who had emotional problems and who were violent, we always focused on changing the behaviors. Behavior can change, but people may not change all that much in their character. There's a difference. My husband wants to do the right thing by people - all people, including family, friends, strangers and the homeless even. He saw a homeless family last weekend, went to the bank, withdrew $20 and gave it to them. He said it's the right thing to do. He has a sense of what's wrong and right. I know he's trying. Last night he told me he would work on it.

And like I said, even if I decide to leave him again, I cannot accomplish that for months from now. Between now and then, it's very possible that his behavior worsens or stays the same and continues. And with a good couples therapist, change may be possible, but I suppose setbacks are expected at times. OR, the behavior becomes intolerable for me again, in which case I will have no choice but to leave him.

I work with teenagers with mental health issues as well and I agree with you that behaviors could be modified and change and I have ton of evidence of that. Your husband is in his 50s though so it’s a bit different. I do not think your husband is a bad person. My point was that people might be great and all but things are still just too difficult. It sounds like an awful amount of work and struggle. I commend you for not giving up. It just sounds awfully tiring to me. It does not need to be that difficult. But I wish you the best. Hope for a positive outcome one way or the other

I see about your dad. I am sorry. It’s not easy

Thanks re: my dad. My mom wants to have lunch or coffee next weekend with my sister and I to talk about it. She struggles all alone with My dad’s issues so she needs support right now.

You’re correct in that it can be exhausting with regards to the difficulties in my marriage. Those difficulties only resurfaced a few weeks ago. Only time will tell if this becomes habitual, and a regular pattern of incidents.

I agree - what he is (and has been) doing is not okay and it is not acceptable.

Agreed, Rive.

Someone on an abuse forum told me that couples therapy only jeopardizes the abused woman’s position about the abuse because the counselor takes both people’s perceptions and behavior into account. She told me that when the woman’s behaviors are considered too, that it only makes the abuser feel justified, or like his own abusive behaviors can be explained away because he was “triggered” by his wife’s behavior. This came from quotes from a book about abuse.

I am hoping this is not true in all therapy cases. And I wonder if it is true or if that’s just select therapy cases. No statistics were offered to support this claim about couples therapy.