Rough times, need support

Last night I confronted my husband with his behavior last weekend, and the result? He withdrew from me, barely cuddled with me all night and then barely kissed me goodbye this morning. Withholding is a form of emotional abuse, and that's exactly what he's doing right now. I am not allowed to tell him that what he did bothered me, apparently, or else I will lose his affection and love. I told him he cannot take his moods out on me. So this is what I get?

I am becoming very weary of this routine. As soon as he moved back in it seems, it's all started all over again. I feel SO foolish for having believed he could change. SO FOOLISH. The only thing he is NOT doing which HAS changed is he is not yelling at me in explosive anger. But his outburst towards me last weekend, "you're the most impatient person I've ever known!" may as well have been an explosion in my mind.

And now I am wondering if his mother is abusive, too. She keeps saying very hurtful things to both her sons, ie "you've abandoned me! My sons do nothing for me!", when one of her sons is taking care of her and has welcomed her into his home. My husband excuses her hurtful comments by saying she is still upset about losing her husband and about not having been there on the morning that he passed away in the hospital. She feels very guilty for staying home that day. But my husband excuses her hurtful words. And this is something that he does himself, to ME. He dumps all his upset out on me and says very hurtful, mean things, when really, he's upset about something else entirely different. Either way, t's NOT OK. This is unacceptable.

I am getting very sick of this, very quickly. My patience has worn thin.

I have a call set up with my abuse advocate on Tuesday - this appointment cannot come soon enough.

And once again, I am stuck in my relationship due to finances. If we weren't married and if we were not living together, I would have broken up with him over the fight he caused two weeks ago. This very well could be the beginning of the end - yet again.

WHY do I even bother posting on abuse forums for women on Facebook? Posters constantly assume that my husband is a narcisssist, and frankly, I am getting sick of that assumption and self diagnosis. I do not know if he is one. He may exhibit some traits, but I am not going to assume he is one unless I have tons of evidence.

I don’t think it matters if he is narcissist or not. And they can’t really know on online forum. He does sound like one possibly by what you described, but does it matter? I think the only thing matters is if you feel content in your marriage. If you are, then who who cares about online forums and diagnosed.

But if you aren’t, then it doesn’t matter if he is narcissist or simply a jerk or you are just a bad match. I also think women on that forum likely just want to help the best way they can in online forum.

They might also be hyper vigilant when it comes to abuse/bad relationships. They might see things differently as they’ve been there.

Take what’s useful for you and disregard the rest.

I personally think they're so mired in the abuse that THEY have experienced at the hand of a narcissist, that they assume all abusers are narcissists. Wrong.

It does matter because an abusive narcissist will not change. Therapy will not help, in this case. An abuser CAN change and therapy CAN help. So it DOES make a difference in my marriage what his diagnosis is. That being said, abusers rarely change that dramatically, statistically speaking. I knew this, but I believed his words and promises of change, instead.

Maybe some people change. I think it’s uncommon. I know personally I try to curb some of my behaviors but deep inside I am who I am so I think others might feel similar, they could curb some behaviors but you can’t change your core.

I believe when your husband says he changed. He thinks he did, maybe. But his core just comes through. Even in absence of abuse some relationships just are too difficult to sustain. My ex husband wasn’t abusive and neither was I but many years later he still tires me up and annoys the heck out of me, luckily I see him or talk to him infrequently and only in relationship to my daughter. But I need a nap every time I see him and he does absolutely nothing bad and neither do I. It’s just like I don’t know what it’s but it’s like chalk on glass. We manage to disagree all the time over things that are of not importance. Some things just don’t work and never would. We are in our mid 50s and even though we are very friendly on surface, we interact with each other the same way like when we were 20.

People just don’t change. In my opinion, people either figure out how to handle each other and manage it together or they end it and move on and find partners who they match better or stay single. I just don’t see any benefit in trying to change anyone. What you see is what you get. It’s either ok with you or it is not.

I feel you are wasting years of your life trying to change him. I’d either try to see if you can be ok with him or dump him.

When I worked in mental health with teenagers who had emotional problems and who were violent, we always focused on changing the behaviors. Behavior can change, but people may not change all that much in their character. There's a difference. My husband wants to do the right thing by people - all people, including family, friends, strangers and the homeless even. He saw a homeless family last weekend, went to the bank, withdrew $20 and gave it to them. He said it's the right thing to do. He has a sense of what's wrong and right. I know he's trying. Last night he told me he would work on it.

And like I said, even if I decide to leave him again, I cannot accomplish that for months from now. Between now and then, it's very possible that his behavior worsens or stays the same and continues. And with a good couples therapist, change may be possible, but I suppose setbacks are expected at times. OR, the behavior becomes intolerable for me again, in which case I will have no choice but to leave him.

I work with teenagers with mental health issues as well and I agree with you that behaviors could be modified and change and I have ton of evidence of that. Your husband is in his 50s though so it’s a bit different. I do not think your husband is a bad person. My point was that people might be great and all but things are still just too difficult. It sounds like an awful amount of work and struggle. I commend you for not giving up. It just sounds awfully tiring to me. It does not need to be that difficult. But I wish you the best. Hope for a positive outcome one way or the other

I see about your dad. I am sorry. It’s not easy

Thanks re: my dad. My mom wants to have lunch or coffee next weekend with my sister and I to talk about it. She struggles all alone with My dad’s issues so she needs support right now.

You’re correct in that it can be exhausting with regards to the difficulties in my marriage. Those difficulties only resurfaced a few weeks ago. Only time will tell if this becomes habitual, and a regular pattern of incidents.

I agree - what he is (and has been) doing is not okay and it is not acceptable.

Agreed, Rive.

Someone on an abuse forum told me that couples therapy only jeopardizes the abused woman’s position about the abuse because the counselor takes both people’s perceptions and behavior into account. She told me that when the woman’s behaviors are considered too, that it only makes the abuser feel justified, or like his own abusive behaviors can be explained away because he was “triggered” by his wife’s behavior. This came from quotes from a book about abuse.

I am hoping this is not true in all therapy cases. And I wonder if it is true or if that’s just select therapy cases. No statistics were offered to support this claim about couples therapy.

Yes generally couples therapy isn’t recommended for couples in abusive marriage. I don’t know if there could be any statistics on it though. Of course there are exceptions too

Well, I just read that the national domestic violence hotline does not recommend couples therapy. But I wonder if that's in physical abuse cases mostly? I mean, CAN it work in situations such as my own? I don't know this answer yet. I'm going to continue researching it.

Things have been really great between us over the last couple of months. He's also been very supportive of me through the recent loss of my father over the last several days.

However, today, he made it all about him and his issues, on Father's Day when I just lost my father only a few days ago. His brother lost their cat, or their cat escaped somehow, and my husband was so distraught that it became the focal point of our day today (Father's Day). I got so upset that he couldn't just focus on me and what's been happening, that I said I was going to go to my sister's house (alone) with my mother. Well, my mother didn't reply to my text, so I didn't go. But I am super irked by this with my husband. Now he's napping and I am downstairs, alone, dealing with it on my own. Doesn't he realize how hard today really is for me? Doesn't he know he should be by my side, comforting me? Apparently not, since he made it about HIM.

I could be overreacting. I mean, the cat will likely die or be killed in the wild, and that's what my husband is upset about. He's also worried about the repercussions for his mother who lives with his brother, because it was likely she who accidentally let the cat get out. So, I DO get it, but I am hurting and need comforting, and today, I am not getting it so much.

You father just died. Worrying about other people’s cats is likely not a priority. I’d have some choice of words if people wanted me to talk about somebody’s cats few days after losing a loved one (I don’t wish harm on anyones pets of course). Is your mother ok being alone these days? Does she not need help with funeral? Call your sister. How about your nephews? Your husband is an adult. He could worry about cats on his own.

Was he really upset about something else? Losing his father too? But he just made it about cats?

Grief is a lonely feeling. No one can truly share it no matter how much people support each other.

Grief is a very lonely feeling. You nailed it with what you said.

And yes, it's possible he was also upset about his own father, who passed away exactly one year ago on the same exact day as my father. I wish if that were true, that he would just come out with it and tell me so instead of making it about the cat.

My mother is coping, but she said she will be very lonely. She's trying to come up with different things that will help, ie, joining clubs, etc. She does have a lot of arrangements to make, and I've offered my help. The service won't be until Sept.

There are widows/widowers support groups. Grief or just social. A friend of mine is a widow and she met other widows through grief support group. My daughter used to rely on support group specifically for young widow/widowers, it was a blessing, really helped through. Also I don’t know if at the end your dad was under the hospice care, if yes they provide a year long free grief support for families. Usually group sessions. Finding like minded people might help

When my mom died I had a horrible time the first year, not just because of mom but my brother and I had to deal with our dad literally going nuts, we couldn’t even grieve as we had to deal with him , I didn’t find therapy helpful, i didn’t find talking helpful, but I was recommended a book about grief. If you want I’ll send you a link. It’s a book where you read a passage a day.

It’s called Grief One Day at a Time by Alan Wolfelt

I am having trouble with my spouse which is similar to your own. Mine has been 7 months. We unofficially were separated and unofficially have gotten back together so we are never far from "full conflict."

I would say trying to be under affected by your spouse is what you should strive for. If you have separated and are back together you need to maybe consider it like a transplanted organ. Rejection rate is probably very high in the times after a transplant. You haven't transplanted your spouse with a different person but the process seems to be about the same.

I don't have anything else to offer you but luck!

Thanks so much, divine.

I will mention this if she's really having a hard time. She has her friends & family, her entire church community, her book group and her town "Neighbors" group, so she has a lot of support around her to help right now, which is great. But I am sure no matter what that she will deal with the loneliness and the heartache.

Thank you!!!