Rough times, need support

Yes generally couples therapy isn’t recommended for couples in abusive marriage. I don’t know if there could be any statistics on it though. Of course there are exceptions too

Well, I just read that the national domestic violence hotline does not recommend couples therapy. But I wonder if that's in physical abuse cases mostly? I mean, CAN it work in situations such as my own? I don't know this answer yet. I'm going to continue researching it.

Things have been really great between us over the last couple of months. He's also been very supportive of me through the recent loss of my father over the last several days.

However, today, he made it all about him and his issues, on Father's Day when I just lost my father only a few days ago. His brother lost their cat, or their cat escaped somehow, and my husband was so distraught that it became the focal point of our day today (Father's Day). I got so upset that he couldn't just focus on me and what's been happening, that I said I was going to go to my sister's house (alone) with my mother. Well, my mother didn't reply to my text, so I didn't go. But I am super irked by this with my husband. Now he's napping and I am downstairs, alone, dealing with it on my own. Doesn't he realize how hard today really is for me? Doesn't he know he should be by my side, comforting me? Apparently not, since he made it about HIM.

I could be overreacting. I mean, the cat will likely die or be killed in the wild, and that's what my husband is upset about. He's also worried about the repercussions for his mother who lives with his brother, because it was likely she who accidentally let the cat get out. So, I DO get it, but I am hurting and need comforting, and today, I am not getting it so much.

You father just died. Worrying about other people’s cats is likely not a priority. I’d have some choice of words if people wanted me to talk about somebody’s cats few days after losing a loved one (I don’t wish harm on anyones pets of course). Is your mother ok being alone these days? Does she not need help with funeral? Call your sister. How about your nephews? Your husband is an adult. He could worry about cats on his own.

Was he really upset about something else? Losing his father too? But he just made it about cats?

Grief is a lonely feeling. No one can truly share it no matter how much people support each other.

Grief is a very lonely feeling. You nailed it with what you said.

And yes, it's possible he was also upset about his own father, who passed away exactly one year ago on the same exact day as my father. I wish if that were true, that he would just come out with it and tell me so instead of making it about the cat.

My mother is coping, but she said she will be very lonely. She's trying to come up with different things that will help, ie, joining clubs, etc. She does have a lot of arrangements to make, and I've offered my help. The service won't be until Sept.

There are widows/widowers support groups. Grief or just social. A friend of mine is a widow and she met other widows through grief support group. My daughter used to rely on support group specifically for young widow/widowers, it was a blessing, really helped through. Also I don’t know if at the end your dad was under the hospice care, if yes they provide a year long free grief support for families. Usually group sessions. Finding like minded people might help

When my mom died I had a horrible time the first year, not just because of mom but my brother and I had to deal with our dad literally going nuts, we couldn’t even grieve as we had to deal with him , I didn’t find therapy helpful, i didn’t find talking helpful, but I was recommended a book about grief. If you want I’ll send you a link. It’s a book where you read a passage a day.

It’s called Grief One Day at a Time by Alan Wolfelt

I am having trouble with my spouse which is similar to your own. Mine has been 7 months. We unofficially were separated and unofficially have gotten back together so we are never far from "full conflict."

I would say trying to be under affected by your spouse is what you should strive for. If you have separated and are back together you need to maybe consider it like a transplanted organ. Rejection rate is probably very high in the times after a transplant. You haven't transplanted your spouse with a different person but the process seems to be about the same.

I don't have anything else to offer you but luck!

Thanks so much, divine.

I will mention this if she's really having a hard time. She has her friends & family, her entire church community, her book group and her town "Neighbors" group, so she has a lot of support around her to help right now, which is great. But I am sure no matter what that she will deal with the loneliness and the heartache.

Thank you!!!

Sorry, I missed this post of yours when I posted a few days ago.

Things with my husband have been drastically different than during our first two years of marriage. He has made great strides in changing the behaviors that were abusive, toxic and harmful. I feel like I have a very different person now that I am married too. We had a very bad day a couple of months ago and that blew things up for me, causing me to question the relationship all over again, but it's calmed down since then and it's been smooth sailing. A part of me is still wondering when the other shoe will drop, though.

My husband's mother is visiting us, and has been in town since the day my father died. I feel that my mother also needs my company, and I am torn between the two. I did not join my husband and his mom for dinner last night because his mother wasn't feeling well, so my husband brought her dinner to the hotel and ate dinner with her there while I stayed at home.

This morning I announced to my husband that I will be joining my own mother for dinner this eve after work. He seemed surprised as well as dismayed and asked, "so you're not going to come with us to Bernard's?" Bernard's is his mother's favorite local Chinese restaurant. I said no, and almost felt guilty for it. But I should not feel guilty for needing time as well with my own family, even while my husband's mother is visiting. My father just died and I am grieving. I cannot spend every night with my husband's mom, when my own mother needs me too. And, I need my family around me as well right now. My husband should be able to understand this.

These are difficult times for sure.

I think it’s ok to let them have time alone and have your own thing going. No need to spend all your time with his mom especially since your mom needs you now. But why wouldn’t you have both mothers at dinner? Meaning having family dinner together? Or invite both mothers over to your house, then no one feels excluded? Not sure of your family dynamics though. Sometimes such things are a disaster.

My mother is very concerned about getting covid again given her age bracket (she's 80). My father still had covid in his body when he died, so he had long-term covid and never recovered. My mother is worried about going to public restaurants, and she doesn't want to take the risk.

It's my husband's 50th bday on Monday, and we're going out to a very nice restaurant with his mom, former nanny and best male friend. My mother was also invited, but she has declined because of her covid concerns.

So, I just need to spend time with mom at her home, or doing something else that does not involve a public restaurant.

You are right. Your mom (and you) are the priority. Your husband ought to understand that.

He does get it. I explained it to him afterwards this morning.

That makes total sense