[AliceKate]

So, my sister cried the other night. I feel like we are spending too much time together, she feels like it is not enough. I just need a lot of space in general. She said she is worried about me because I seem not to do anything with anyone anymore. So I told her that my capacity has been to do something with someone every 2 weeks and since she is demanding so much time from me, I don't have the energy to spend any time with friends. I would like to, but I'm completely depleted and I don't want to hurt her, but what choice do I have? I don't want to overexcert myself anymore. I am tired of this, tired of not being enough for her and tired of not getting to spend my time as I would like to.

Now she wants me to ask my T for Tipps to her how she could deal with this situation. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to spend my hour a week on her? I mean, it's not like I don't have my own stuff to work through, now I have to work through her stuff, too?

[divine1966]

Is she an adult? I understand spouses being sad if a partner doesn’t spend enough time with them. Or kids.

But sister? And crying? Is she getting any type of help? Therapy? I love my brother dearly and sometimes do wish we had more time together but I certainly wouldn’t be crying let alone complaining.

She needs her own therapy. You aren’t under obligation to discuss her issues in your therapy or spend any particular amount of time with her. It’s highly unusual

[divine1966]

Double post

[AliceKate]

Thanks Divine for validating my frustration Yes, she is an adult, older than me, actually, and I'm already in my mid-30s. How can I tell her that without crushing her?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by AliceKate

Thanks Divine for validating my frustration Yes, she is an adult, older than me, actually, and I'm already in my mid-30s. How can I tell her that without crushing her?

If a normal kind of thing is potentially crushing her, then she needs to seek help, you can’t fix it. You can’t help her. She needs to get busy, get a job, or volunteer or get a hobby and see a psychiatrist and a therapist. I don’t understand how and why she’d be crushed. Is there more to the story? Does she have a disability? Health problems? Is incapacitated?

[AliceKate]

Originally Posted by divine1966

If a normal kind of thing is potentially crushing her, then she needs to seek help, you can’t fix it. You can’t help her. She needs to get busy, get a job, or volunteer or get a hobby and see a psychiatrist and a therapist. I don’t understand how and why she’d be crushed. Is there more to the story? Does she have a disability? Health problems? Is incapacitated?

None of the above. She has a job and a 2 year old kid, who apparently has also cried in the past because I refused to see them during the exam phase of the degree I am pursuing, in case they get covid and I then cannot participate in the exams. They got covid soon after that phase was over, so it was like a total of 2 months that they didn't see me. But, I mean, it's not unreasonable, if I can't write the exams, I lose half a year... I hate that I have to justify these things.

She is a single mum though, but I'm not her babysitter, though sometimes I feel like it. Love the kid, btw, but there is a limit of how much time I want to spend with him, too. I'm studying, and working, it's not like I'm sitting around doing nothing.

[AliceKate]

I mean, I know she's stretching herself thin, too. Her place is a mess. Even though she has a cleaner once a week. She puts her kid to bed in the evening, rolls a joint and chills, because she needs it to unwind. She has a lot of responsibilities at work. It was her choice though, being a single mum, and I never promised her that I would even move to her area (which I have done) and help out (which I am doing, but not as much as she wants).

I feel like I am misportraying things a little. It's not like she's just using me, she is genuinly sad that she doesn't see me as much.

[Etcetera1]

IMO just tell her that she can find a therapist and ask for tips herself.

And no you aren't unreasonable, she's either completely clueless about how much time is going to be involved in asking your T....or she's the unreasonable one lol.

But yeah at best she's completely clueless about that. At least she's trying to figure out how to deal with the situation tho. So I dont think she's intentionally using you, either, yeah.

And it's OK for her to be sad, I wouldn't pathologise it. But yes she does need to see someone to get help in dealing with issues

[divine1966]

Does she have a personality disorder by chance? Not trying to diagnose but something is just off. She seems unusually attached to people (you in this case) and is afraid to be alone? Or is she just lonely? If she works and raises a child then she must not have that much free time to be sad about not seeing her sister.

And something else comes to mind. Is she crying after she rolls her joint? Is it “high” crying? In my sad experience with people who use substances, they cry or feel other extreme emotions when intoxicated or tend to come up with weird ideas.

Overall just live your life and see your sister when and if you have the time.

[Etcetera1]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Does she have a personality disorder by chance? Not trying to diagnose but something is just off. She seems unusually attached to people (you in this case) and is afraid to be alone? Or is she just lonely? If she works and raises a child then she must not have that much free time to be sad about not seeing her sister.

And something else comes to mind. Is she crying after she rolls her joint? Is it “high” crying? In my sad experience with people who use substances, they cry or feel other extreme emotions when intoxicated or tend to come up with weird ideas.

Overall just live your life and see your sister when and if you have the time.

Really imo its pointless to pathologise this from zero information

[divine1966]

Another thought… postpartum depression could go on for awhile. If the kid is only 2, she might be going through it. Was she the same way before birth of her child?

[AliceKate]

Thanks guys

I'm the one with the personality disorder - schizoid pd, recently diagnosed. I suspect I'm not the only one in my family with a pd, but as far as I know I'm the only one in my closer family with such a diagnosis (though come to think of it my mother dropped her therapists fairly quickly after they all did something unbearable, but that thing has never been specified, so maybe they diagnosed her with a pd and she hated it? Just guessing though).

It might've been high crying come to think of it. She was at my mother's when we had the phone conversation during which she cried, but left to go outside, so yeah, probably she smoked then.

I don't see when she would have the time to see a T. I mean, she could leave the kid in kindergarden longer, but she seems completely resistant to the idea. Like, she wants to do sport at least once a week, so she wants me and my father to take him. I told her I wouldn't be able to generally, and recommended she just let him stay longer in Kindergarden, but she hates the thought. Says it's also about him seeing me. But I just don't want to start working that early and I can't tell my boss "sorry, I'll only work to 3pm" once a week.

She's fine being alone. She's a bit like me, really, just now that she has a kid, being alone isn't really fun anymore, so she hangs out with people more. And demands of people to hang out with her more. Not sure if she is lonely. She has a best friend with several kids of her own, so they spend a lot of time together. I think she just wants us to recreate the bubble we had when we were kids. After the divorce of our parents we were kind of co-dependent for a while. But we're not kids anymore. It's time to find our own paths.

Telling her to see a T seems a bit harsh, right? Or maybe I could phrase it like I can see she is struggeling and maybe it would help? I think I'll just give her my diagnosis and she can research it...? Not a lot on SZPD out there, though. Espacially for relatives of someone with that disorder

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by AliceKate

Thanks guys

I'm the one with the personality disorder - schizoid pd, recently diagnosed. I suspect I'm not the only one in my family with a pd, but as far as I know I'm the only one in my closer family with such a diagnosis (though come to think of it my mother dropped her therapists fairly quickly after they all did something unbearable, but that thing has never been specified, so maybe they diagnosed her with a pd and she hated it? Just guessing though).

It might've been high crying come to think of it. She was at my mother's when we had the phone conversation during which she cried, but left to go outside, so yeah, probably she smoked then.

I don't see when she would have the time to see a T. I mean, she could leave the kid in kindergarden longer, but she seems completely resistant to the idea. Like, she wants to do sport at least once a week, so she wants me and my father to take him. I told her I wouldn't be able to generally, and recommended she just let him stay longer in Kindergarden, but she hates the thought. Says it's also about him seeing me. But I just don't want to start working that early and I can't tell my boss "sorry, I'll only work to 3pm" once a week.

She's fine being alone. She's a bit like me, really, just now that she has a kid, being alone isn't really fun anymore, so she hangs out with people more. And demands of people to hang out with her more. Not sure if she is lonely. She has a best friend with several kids of her own, so they spend a lot of time together. I think she just wants us to recreate the bubble we had when we were kids. After the divorce of our parents we were kind of co-dependent for a while. But we're not kids anymore. It's time to find our own paths.

Telling her to see a T seems a bit harsh, right? Or maybe I could phrase it like I can see she is struggeling and maybe it would help? I think I'll just give her my diagnosis and she can research it...? Not a lot on SZPD out there, though. Espacially for relatives of someone with that disorder

I don’t think recommending therapy is harsh. I think saying “you are crazy and need therapy” would be terrible and harsh. But if you suggest that maybe because she has so much on her plate, and is under stress it might help to talk to a neutral party.

I think it is not a bad idea to share your own diagnosis with her so she could understand that you have to spend time in therapy working on your own things, not dealing with how to help her.

Also it’s typically difficult with people with SZPD to socialize excessively. It’s too much. It’s understandable you want to minimize interactions. If your sister reads up about it or even listens to you about your struggle, she might understand that it’s unreasonable to demand you socialize more than you can.

[AliceKate]

She understands partly, to a point she was also like this before the kid came along. But she wants to find a compromise and it just means we are both unhappy. The new equillibrium we found is that from now on, I will take over scheduling our time together instead of her constantly asking to see me. I said I would attempt to make it so we see each other every 2 weeks (which breaks her heart, really...)

[Etcetera1]

Originally Posted by AliceKate

She understands partly, to a point she was also like this before the kid came along. But she wants to find a compromise and it just means we are both unhappy. The new equillibrium we found is that from now on, I will take over scheduling our time together instead of her constantly asking to see me. I said I would attempt to make it so we see each other every 2 weeks (which breaks her heart, really...)

Every 2 weeks sounds pretty fine really, a lot of really good close friends nowadays don't have time to see each other every 2 weeks. My sister has several kids and I maybe see her once a year now, we've both had a lot on our plates

Maybe you two could talk about it and figure out a way that these meetings every 2nd week are really really satisfying quality time for both of you

[AliceKate]

Originally Posted by Etcetera1

... figure out a way that these meetings every 2nd week are really really satisfying quality time for both of you

Thank makes me tired just reading, to be honest. On the one hand, he kid will be there, so having quality time just the 2 of us seems out of the picture. On the other hand, we don't really share the same interests. I'd like us to go to a museum, she'd rather watch a movie.

We could go for dinner though... yeah, actually, that's a good idea. We wanted to go out and have ramen a while back, we never did it. I'll suggest that. Thanks

[Rive.]

I don't think any therapist would be doing therapy by proxy. Not to mention it is a breach of ethics first and foremost!

Tell your sister to seek her own therapy. This way she would get ongoing support.

[AliceKate]

I think my sister assumes it would take me 5min to ask and get an answer, maybe 10. Would it take so long?

[Rive.]

A therapist is not supposed to provide 'services' (tips and/or guidance equal assessment and/or treatment) for people who aren't their clients. They could get in trouble with their licensing body and/or the law IF they did do so. It is your therapy, it is not anyone else's therapy.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by AliceKate

I think my sister assumes it would take me 5min to ask and get an answer, maybe 10. Would it take so long?

Professional therapist isn’t going to give you advice re what other people need to be doing. She’ll only advice you what strategies you should use to manage your relationship with your sister. It doesn’t matter 5 or 10 minutes or half an hour. It’s your therapy not your sister’s. If you want to have family therapy with both of you attending, then it’s different.

[AliceKate]

Thanks guys, that actually makes it easier to say no

[Bill3]

No, you are not being unreasonable.