Hello,

I have been to this forum many times, but this is my first post. I need the advice or opinions of others because I no longer have anyone to confide in. Please forgive me if this post is too long and rambling...

I have been in a relationship since 2004. I have come to the realization that this relationship may be toxic to me. Although my fiance doesn't criticize me personally a lot, he constantly criticizes my opinions, my family and friends, my hobbies, my cooking, even down to the radio show that I listen to everyday. I have stopped giving him ideas on where to eat because we never go where I want to go and he will say how gross and terrible my restaurant idea is anyway. Because of the negative criticism, I have isolated myself from the people that love me to try to make my relationship hassle-free.

He is very disrespectful at times. Example: I get awful migraines some times and felt one coming on while we were in the car. I asked him to turn the radio down or off and instead, he turns it up really loud on a country station (I hate country music and he knows it). Whenever we go into a building, he never opens or holds the door open for me. He always walks in first. These may be trivial things but I am a southern girl and like someone to have manners and be sensitive when my head is pounding.

I have become a person that I don't even recognize. I have stopped doing all of the things that I use to love to do. I now get anxiety when I am in public places because I feel inferior to others. I don't talk much anymore and I am finding it hard to look people in the eyes. (My fiance has gotten mad if I talk to much to a random person...he has accused me of flirting when it is just idle chatter)

My siblings are happy that we are engaged even though I never see them anymore. Because my fiance is graduating with a law degree in May, he will be able to take care of a lot of family land dispute issues that we have with my aunt. I just don't think I can last any longer.

[sabby]

((((((( sweetpea )))))))))

Welcome to PC and good for you for making your first post. I'm sure you had some anxiety in doing so but you did good!

What you are explaining regarding your fiances behavior is screaming loud and clear that he is controlling and has no compassion whatsoever for you and probably anyone else.

Anyone who would turn up the music and put a kind of music you dislike when you felt a migraine coming on was cruel.....very cruel.

These things are NOT trivial. They are a sign of things to come....that they will get worse as the relationship progresses. If you are feeling isolated and vulnerable now, you will feel even worse down the road.

There are plenty of other attorneys out there that treat individuals with more respect than this guy can muster in his whole lifetime.

Whenever you find you loose yourself in a relationship...that is a HUGE wakeup call. In any relationship, each should be equal and it's obvious from your post, you are feeling far from equal.

You do have a couple of options here. One is to put your foot down and refuse to be treated like this anymore and see how he takes it. Two, you can tell him in no uncertain terms that your relationship is through or three, you can continue down this road you are on to a place I can guarentee you do not want to go.

There are many other things I could say about your situation...and I know I don't know much, but, I've lived where you are now and I know how hard it is to get away from it before you completely loose yourself and cannot even begin to see yourself again. Hon, it's all about HIM. Do you really want to live your life doing his bidding and completely ignoring yourself?

I'm sorry if my post has come off like I'm attacking your fiance. I'm not doing that. I'm trying to explain to you that his behaviors warrant some action on your part. And soon I hope, for your own sake.

The fact that you are questioning his actions is telling you something! Listen to your gut instinct...it will not steer you wrong!

I wish you well sweetpea.....take good care of YOU.


sabby

Thanks sabby, you made me feel much better.

I have tried to talk to him about the way I feel but he is so insensitive. I was crying last night and started to talk about my feelings and he asked why I was bringing this stuff up when he has so much on his plate for school. He said he didn't have time last night because he had an assignment for school due. Five minutes later, he was playing with his dog for an hour. So, you are right, it is all about him.

He is very unusual. I am a person that likes to have a support structure (as in family and friends). He hates his mother, never talks to his sister or nieces and nephews, and his feelings never get hurt. So, because words don't hurt him, he fails to realize that words can hurt others.

Thanks again, I am getting up the nerve to leave. I am worn out.

[Perna]

Hi, sweetpea, welcome!

I dated/lived with my husband 5 years before his divorce was final and one thing I did was watch very carefully how he treated his mother, my mother, his ex-wife, myself, women co-workers, etc. He passed with flying colors.

I don't see your boyfriend treating anyone well, much less yourself whom he should "cherish" (my husband's favorite word toward me). I know I'm only getting your side of the story but the whole time I was reading it I kept wondering, "and why is she engaged to this man?" I didn't see anything to endear him to anybody (except your siblings who want whom they think will be a free lawyer but I imagine he'll probably either wimp out on them or charge them an arm and a leg for his services). I would leave them and reclaim yourself.

[dkwynn]

I do not want to sound like I am being rude, I am not that way at all, however you deserve much much better. Without knowing either of you, I can tell you that you do not deserve to be treated this way by him or anybody else. We all deserve to be treated with respect. You need to respect yourself enough to get away from this guy. He apparently doesn't respect you or love you or he wouln't treat you the way he does. His family probably knows this already that is why things are the way they are between them. He is destroying your self esteem, your self confidence to the point you do not look people in the eyes, you have pushed everyone away, this is what happens to women then the husband has control of them totally because they think they are not worth any better and can not do any better so they stay. I can not see any reason that you would marry this guy, you don't need him to take care of you. As for your family you can not take care of them or their needs even if this guy is going to be a lawyer with lots of money, he doesn't sound like the type to help someone else, if that is what your family wants for you, that is very so and you should tell them that and they should move in with him and you will check back with them later and see how it is working out for them, that you are moving on with your life that you deserve better.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but if it helps stops another woman from being ABUSED then its all good.

[Rhapsody]

All I can say is............ Please move on with out this man in your life, so you may love and be loved in the manner you deserve as a human - a person.

[CJR520]

Sweetie, get another man and another attorney. Good Luck!!

[sabby]

(((( sweetpea ))))

I'm glad you are in the process of taking care of you. I know that process can take awhile, especially since right now you probably feel about one inch tall. He's managed to make you feel less than you are and I'm sorry that's happened.

When I was in that situation, it took me years to get out of it. Being the optomist that I am, made leaving so difficult for me. But, when I felt in my heart that I had done everything I possibly could, when I finally sat down and figured out I was fighting a loosing battle, I then found the courage and the strength to walk away. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but dang it...it wasn't any harder than dealing with the abuse day in and day out. Please don't let fear of the unknown stop you in your tracks. Take the steps you need to take to save yourself now....you will thank yourself in the long run for taking care of YOU! (obviously he isn't into helping anyone but himself right?)

YOU deserve to be cared for in a loving and gentle way. Is there anything loving and gentle in your relationship now??

Take good care hon....keep posting here for support and ideas when you feel you need them.


sabby

[StarPonysMama]

The minute you start loosing yourself - it's a wake up call. I just went through that. Realized after I left the man how much of "me" I had lost. I quit doing my YOGA which is so important, basically quit the gym, and started drinking again. When I left him it was hard but, now the tables are turning and I am realizing all the things I was that I lost............

He never criticized me the way this man is you but, just the same he made me lose myself. Put your foot down! Get back to YOU whatever way you have to -whether he likes it or not!!!!!!!

Sounds to me like he's pretty selfish. Time for you to be a little selfish too!

Take care of YOU and GOOD LUCK!

[50guy]

Hi Ya sweetpea;

Only two words.....dump him.

[youOme]

His criticism seems to be having a toll on your self esteem and how you feel about things. Maybe this is the "change" your talking about.

I can't give much advice because I live through something similar and put up with it. I've actually put a brick wall to his words and no longer even hear them. But I've been doing this since I was 16...2001.

All I can say is if you aren't obligated to this man and want more then you should leave him and get more...for yourself. Easier said then done...I know

Good luck hun