[pixiedust72]

I’m so angry. So I live with my grandma and without warning my mom came to move in with us. I don’t have a good relationship with my mom and never would have imagined living with her again. I wouldn’t have moved in with my grandma had I known my mom would be here but I’m currently saving up to move out.

I tried to just be civil but she’s been on my case about sleeping too much, “being depressed”, and has asked to pay for my therapy. When I refused, she got so angry saying the way I’m living is unhealthy and that I need to make a plan for my life. I’m good on all accounts. I have a plan for my life and can pay for my own therapy. I don’t want her to have the excuse of asking me what I talk about in therapy if she were to pay for it and besides I don’t need it. It drove me crazy how she would not accept this answer.

Then a week or so later, something happened (don’t want to share what) but she got hurt and then yelled at me for not helping her (my grandma was helping and I was too scared to leave my room). I’m angry because I would never in a million years would do this to her. I’m not a yeller. I feel like your true colors show when you’re in pain or traumatized so it bothers me that that’s who she is.

She has been so critical and rude. Telling me that I should have know to behave in certain ways and help her without her asking beforehand. If this were a romantic relationship or a friend, the relationship would be long over. This is my first time living with her since my 1 1/2 years of therapy and the problems are so much clearer to me. I don’t know what to do, just that I want to stop living together. I am trying to save up to move and then I don’t know if our relationship will continue. I love her but I don’t like how she treats me and I don’t want someone like that in my life.

Should I say something to help the relationship? How do I get over my anger (she’s very emotionally immature so it’s hard to have a conversation about what happened)?

[Yaowen]

So sorry this is happening to you. How awful.

I wrote something about dealing with abusive relatives in a post I made today called AN ABUSIVE RELATIVE. You might want to read that post for some ideas since pain in my hands prevents me from typing it out again for you.

Moving out seems like a good idea when you are able.

People often lack a sense of perspective. I know I do. It sounds as though your mother has lost perspective.

What I mean is this. Parents can exaggerate the goodness or badness of their children's behavior. Good and bad are not like positions on a light switch. Good and bad form a range of values.

There have been people who have done seriously bad things. Hitler and Stalin destroyed the lives of tens of millions of innocent men, women and children through genocide.

Now that is bad.

If there are things that bug your mother, they are not things you have done or do that cause the destruction of tens of millions of people, or millions of people, or hundreds of thousands of people, or tens of thousands of people, or thousands of people, or hundreds of people and so on.

So in the grand scheme of things anything you say or do that bugs your mother is something very minor. But it seems that in her mind she is falsely and unfairly making it seem HUGE when it is really very small.

Sometimes people with very low self-esteem project their self-hatred and self-loathing onto other people, especially relatives.

I am wondering whether deep down, your mother loathes herself and tries to free herself from this pain by projecting it on you. Do you think that might be the case here? Maybe I am wrong. I am often wrong about things.

[Fuzzybear]

I also think that maybe deep down your mother hates herself and she is projecting this onto you?
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I think I would move out as she is causing you so much pain.

[pixiedust72]

Originally Posted by Yaowen

I am wondering whether deep down, your mother loathes herself and tries to free herself from this pain by projecting it on you. Do you think that might be the case here? Maybe I am wrong. I am often wrong about things.

Possibly but she does not show it. She projects a very “has it all together” attitude. But I do think it’s projecting because she’ll sometimes assume my intentions and be completely wrong.

I think moving out is the best option for you when you can

[Mendingmysoul]

Does your grandma know that you don't have a good relationship with your mom?I wonder if she knew which side she would pick ?My granny chose her daughter's side and shushed me.

[Rive.]

If it's your grandma's house, I don't think you can ask your mom to leave as that is not your house. Does she have somewhere else to go? Her mom (your grandma?) would not kick her own daughter out. And it seems you can't talk to your mom.

So, I would bide my time until *you* can leave. In the meantime, try to disengage and have the least contact possible with your mom.

[Embracingtruth]

That's a tough situation to be in. Your grandmother obviously made a decision based on the fact your mom is her daughter, so I wouldn't hold any resentment towards her. In terms of your mom, this might be an ideal opportunity to reset the table with her where it comes to communication and how its delivered. The one thing parents and their kids have the hardest time doing (even under ideal circumstances) is knowing when to change the discussion from adult to child to adult and adult.

As parents we always see our kids as our kids. They can be 6, 16, 26, 36, etc. They will always be our kids. But there comes a time when that delivery needs to change on BOTH sides regardless of the role that we have. Once the child becomes an adult and is out in the world making adult choices, then it becomes incumbent on the parents to cease the micro managing and start respecting the choices their kids make for themselves, whether it matches our personal choices or not. And I certainly understand that covers a large canvas of issues that make it hard to do.

The flip side of that though is the kids need to start looking at their parents as individual adults too. That means the child/parent dynamic must be replaced with a more measured response that illustrates you have reached adulthood, dictating you no longer talk to your mom as you did when you were younger. Throw out emotion and replace with reason. Leave out topics of the past that are sore spots and accentuate a culture of positive discord. If she asks about your therapy, just say, " Mom I really appreciate the fact you worry about me, but I've got this. It's going well. Please trust me to take care of this for myself. If I need to pull you in, rest assured I'll let you know. How are things going with you?" Keep it positive, but deflect it softly back to how she's doing, so she understands there's an investment here, and over time that message will resonate.

Moving out only keeps the conflict alive. This is a great opportunity for you to change that narrative and work on a new dialogue that might be helpful not only for you, but help her in her struggles as well. I wish you the very best in this situation. Its a tough hurdle, but a very common one between adult kids and their parents.

[pixiedust72]

Originally Posted by Embracingtruth

That's a tough situation to be in. Your grandmother obviously made a decision based on the fact your mom is her daughter, so I wouldn't hold any resentment towards her. In terms of your mom, this might be an ideal opportunity to reset the table with her where it comes to communication and how its delivered. The one thing parents and their kids have the hardest time doing (even under ideal circumstances) is knowing when to change the discussion from adult to child to adult and adult.

As parents we always see our kids as our kids. They can be 6, 16, 26, 36, etc. They will always be our kids. But there comes a time when that delivery needs to change on BOTH sides regardless of the role that we have. Once the child becomes an adult and is out in the world making adult choices, then it becomes incumbent on the parents to cease the micro managing and start respecting the choices their kids make for themselves, whether it matches our personal choices or not. And I certainly understand that covers a large canvas of issues that make it hard to do.

The flip side of that though is the kids need to start looking at their parents as individual adults too. That means the child/parent dynamic must be replaced with a more measured response that illustrates you have reached adulthood, dictating you no longer talk to your mom as you did when you were younger. Throw out emotion and replace with reason. Leave out topics of the past that are sore spots and accentuate a culture of positive discord. If she asks about your therapy, just say, " Mom I really appreciate the fact you worry about me, but I've got this. It's going well. Please trust me to take care of this for myself. If I need to pull you in, rest assured I'll let you know. How are things going with you?" Keep it positive, but deflect it softly back to how she's doing, so she understands there's an investment here, and over time that message will resonate.

Moving out only keeps the conflict alive. This is a great opportunity for you to change that narrative and work on a new dialogue that might be helpful not only for you, but help her in her struggles as well. I wish you the very best in this situation. Its a tough hurdle, but a very common one between adult kids and their parents.

This is similar to what I said to her. I’m not really interested in repairing the relationship but I do want to be civil. She’s not the best at communicating which makes repair hard.

[ArmorPlate108]

It's been my experience that people rarely change unless they do it on their own. You can't make someone else "see the light" because they're usually getting their needs met in the relationship with you, even if those needs seem very negative.

Take my husband for example. He often seems he's the happiest when he has something to be unhappy about. It's taken me years to realize that he likes being there, is most comfortable in that space where he's miserable, dramatic, and affecting other people around him. Honestly, I don't think he really understands that he does that, and if you point it out to him, then his misery is suddenly justified. It's a lifelong habit and not worth engaging.

To me, it sounds like you've handled yourself very well, and if you need physical distance between you and your mother, then making a plan to move out is a good move. If you talk to her, she may interpret it that you are asking her permission, or has some say in your actions. Personally, I think it sends a bigger more direct, and very independent message if you make the plan without any input or regard to her thoughts or feeling. I feel for you, because I could never imagine living with my mother again. It took me many years to realize that my life is my own and I don't owe her any explanation if it isn't something that affects her directly. And sometimes she doesn't get explanation if the greater interest is protecting myself, kwim?

At way too old of an age, I'm finally learning the power of detaching and living my own life. It's amazing how often other people fall into line when you do that. Maybe it makes sense? Suddenly they realize that your not under their thumb and thats when they begin to worry that they are losing something. Hopefully at that point, they start to behave more appropriately, or risk losing you.

Anyway, JMO. I hope you get it all figured out. It's hard.