[ZenZeta]

Feel free to throw snowballs at me for this one, but...

I'm going out with a guy that wants to go OVERBOARD with the gift giving and it is putting my anxiety level on 5 million!!!

He's very stylish and loves to shop. I'm a simple gal. I work from home, so my wardrobe consists of versatile lounge wear for days I don't work out (jeggings, long sweaters and Uggs) to workout gear on the 4 days a week that I work out.

I will doll up if I have a REASON to (which involves a much dreaded shopping trip) and clean up pretty well, but my go-to is COMFORT. In contrast, he is always "put together" and has THREE closets full of clothes. He likes to stop by "store X" just to see what's out there and buys clothes just in case. NOT. MY. THING.

Anywho, he recently asked me (via text) for all of my sizes (shoes, clothing, jewelry, underwear, etc.) and I literally felt my skin crawl. I responded as politely as I could with a "I'm really simple" and suggested that he just get me a gift card, some workout gear or Uggs.

My concern is that he won't listen, and that he'll buy me all this fancy dancy stuff I really won't be comfortable wearing (he comments that my bra and panties don't match ALL THE TIME - I don't care!!!).

I struggle with people pleasing, so I would feel HORRIBLE if he bought me something I didn't want and most likely wouldn't give it back. I will go into my normal pattern of wearing it to make him happy while seething inside or feeling like I'm unacceptable the way I am.

I've shared with him that I don't think we're compatible (this is one of MANY reasons), and there are PLENTY of women out there that would find a guy that loves to shop and spend their disposable income on them a dream. Not me.

What should I do?

[rechu]

I guess all you can really do is keep stressing that you prefer simple clothes and making suggestions of gifts you would like. He sees how you dress regularly, which you think would give him a clue as far as your tastes. If he doesn't listen, I think you may want to consider if you two are are really compatible, in combination with the other reasons as you mention.


I am like you. I work from home so I dress very casually. I don't have many reasons to get all dressed up and don't particularly enjoy it. I'm not much for jewelry or lingerie either. Fortunately, my husband does understand this. If he buys me clothes it is things I wear regularly like t-shirts.

[Rive.]

What should I do?

Be honest with him. "I am not comfortable.... [and expand as need be]"

Or compromise - set a budget that you are comfortable with that you both agree to stick to.

Plus, it seems quite a bit intrusive that he wants to buy you things that HE thinks you ought to wear (fancy stuff, matching underwear etc.). Instead, he ought to learn to respect other people's boundaries and other people's likes and comfort levels instead of trying to change others according to HIS preferences. As is, 'check with me, before you buy me stuff that I don't/might not like'

[divine1966]

I love clothes and have lots of them and I do not work from home at all.
Having said that I’d not want anyone to buy me clothes because I have my own style and my own stores I prefer. Liking clothes and other stuff doesn’t mean I want men to buy me stuff. No thanks. I can but my own stiff

I’d tell the guy in no uncertain terms that I do not want him to buy me clothes. If he ends up still buying you clothes then he’s control freak. If he still buys it after you said no, he likely wants to buy it because he doesn’t like how you dress and wants you to change. I’d not tell him that you have simple tastes. I’d tell him that you simply do not want him to buy you clothes. End of story.

I love to shop but it doesn’t mean I want a guy buying me clothes. My husband pays attention to what I or other females in our family say or look at and then buys things in that category or he asks. He knows better not to buy me clothes (unless it’s a pair of yoga pants he sees in Costco grocery shopping).

I like nice bras (big chested so have to buy expensive bras), and like nice underwear but I don’t know why they must match? Like color? Jeez. It’s nice if they sometimes match but who cares? Ok now. I’ve been with quite a few men and no one ever mentioned that they don’t match. This guy is really vain. Is he a good boyfriend otherwise?

[Bill3]

I've shared with him that I don't think we're compatible (this is one of MANY reasons), and there are PLENTY of women out there that would find a guy that loves to shop and spend their disposable income on them a dream. Not me.

Why are you still with him?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Why are you still with him?

He might have other good qualities. Liking to shop and liking nice things or variety of clothes doesn’t make one a bad partner. People don’t need to like all the same things or all dress in the same manner. I am more concerned that he criticizes her underwear not matching and intends to buy her new ones. Something is offensive about it to me.

[Molinit]

Originally Posted by divine1966

He might have other good qualities. Liking to shop and liking nice things or variety of clothes doesn’t make one a bad partner. People don’t need to like all the same things or all dress in the same manner. I am more concerned that he criticizes her underwear not matching and intends to buy her new ones. Something is offensive about it to me.

It's too familiar for what seems like a person she happens to be not seriously dating.

[Bill3]

I've shared with him that I don't think we're compatible (this is one of MANY reasons)

There are "MANY" reasons that OP thinks they are not compatible.

Therefore I again ask OP: why are you with him?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Bill3

There are "MANY" reasons that OP thinks they are not compatible.

Therefore I again ask OP: why are you with him?

Good point. I missed where she said “many reasons”.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Molinit

It's too familiar for what seems like a person she happens to be not seriously dating.

Honestly even if it was serious dating.., heck I am married and my husband better not be making comments about my underwear not matching

I dated a controlling guy years ago snd he criticized my clothes. I like bright colors. He was doing it jokingly but it didn’t feel like a joke. I promised myself to not ever date such guys. And I wear whatever colors I want

Teasing each other is fine. But this doesn’t sound like teasing

[TishaBuv]

I agree I find the comments about the bra and panties not matching a red flag. I’m not sure what that might indicate about him, though. Someone who is too rigid about appearances, too objectifying of women?

Have you seen the movie 9 1/2 Weeks? (Kim Basinger and Mickey Rourke). This feels a bit like that to me. He buys her sexy clothes and they get into a kinky sexual relationship. Of course it ends badly. Very hot movie, though…

I agree with the suggestions about telling him you don’t want him to buy you clothes and you like how you dress.

[*Beth*]

I'm going to be lazy, because I second everything @divine1966has posted and I won't bother to re-word it all.

I will add that I was gifted with my own personal control freak 42 years ago and married him. While I do love him in certain ways, it has been not an easy nor fun nor pleasant marriage. Far from it - and 90% of the dis-ease is due to his controlling behavior/OCD/OCD Personality Disorder. To my husband I have never been and can never be perfect enough. No human woman could be, not to a true control freak. They need programmed AI's.

Maybe your guy is simply trying to smother you with adoration. But maybe not.

[Rose76]

I also think @divine1966 made good points. Especially, the idea that he may be a control freak is very concerning - like he wants to make you over as he thinks you should be.

Maybe set a dollar limit on his Christmas shopping. Maybe tell him to save receipts, so you can return anything you really don't care for.

Lastly don't reinforce the behavior. Keep dressing in the clothing you like. Let the unwanted stuff sit in the drawer and closet. Then he'll be less likely to do this next year.

@Bill3 made a very important point. Why did you tell this guy that the two of you were incompatible? Were you hoping that he would initiate breaking off with you? Why put it on him? Are you wanting him to change to be more compatible? That probably won't happen. It sounds like you're unhappy in this relationship, and you want him to do something about that.

[ArmorPlate108]

I agree with what the others have said and that if there's something about it that feels creepy, it is.

To me, it kind of seems like he's not seeing you as you are, but you as he thinks you could be. He's not seeing the real you, he's imagining potential.

Good luck and hugs.

[Angry Fairy]

Are you sure this is the guy for you? Sounds like there are some pretty fundemental differences between the two of you that would make it very stressful for you in the long run.

[Open Eyes]

I think if your gut feeling about this guy is that he isn’t a good match for you then you need to back away from the relationship.

Some women don’t mind having a guy buy clothes for them. Others prefer to shop for themselves.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by ZenZeta

Feel free to throw snowballs at me for this one, but...

I'm going out with a guy that wants to go OVERBOARD with the gift giving and it is putting my anxiety level on 5 million!!!

He's very stylish and loves to shop. I'm a simple gal. I work from home, so my wardrobe consists of versatile lounge wear for days I don't work out (jeggings, long sweaters and Uggs) to workout gear on the 4 days a week that I work out.

I will doll up if I have a REASON to (which involves a much dreaded shopping trip) and clean up pretty well, but my go-to is COMFORT. In contrast, he is always "put together" and has THREE closets full of clothes. He likes to stop by "store X" just to see what's out there and buys clothes just in case. NOT. MY. THING.

Anywho, he recently asked me (via text) for all of my sizes (shoes, clothing, jewelry, underwear, etc.) and I literally felt my skin crawl. I responded as politely as I could with a "I'm really simple" and suggested that he just get me a gift card, some workout gear or Uggs.

My concern is that he won't listen, and that he'll buy me all this fancy dancy stuff I really won't be comfortable wearing (he comments that my bra and panties don't match ALL THE TIME - I don't care!!!).

I struggle with people pleasing, so I would feel HORRIBLE if he bought me something I didn't want and most likely wouldn't give it back. I will go into my normal pattern of wearing it to make him happy while seething inside or feeling like I'm unacceptable the way I am.

I've shared with him that I don't think we're compatible (this is one of MANY reasons), and there are PLENTY of women out there that would find a guy that loves to shop and spend their disposable income on them a dream. Not me.

What should I do?

Be firm with him, tell him you want nothing fancy whatsoever. I'm the same way, I like casual comfortable clothes even if they are dressier for work and I'm very firm with people when they want to buy expensive stuff for me and I politely but firmly say no thanks and I stick to it. The fact that he's increasing your stress level is unwarranted, there's no need to go overboard during the holidays. See this is what I'm talking about, people pressuring others to buy expensive things during the holidays which is a huge turn off for me and I'm sorry he's doing that to you.